Eat the Red Skittles first

[Ghostbusters]

It's been a really hard last couple of years...I don't really know how to start things like this, infact I barely have the patience to figure out how this site even works..But let's see...
Sometimes I can't shake this underlying feeling that I'm going to die. I feel like some days everything is so great or like these things that make a good day, are the last time. Like if I see all my friends in a week and we have an amazing time I catch myself thinking "what if it's the last time" . Or even coocoo-er I picture how people I've met in my life would react upon hearing that I've passed away...Bare with me
In 2014 of September I dropped of sudden cardiac arrest, I was 20 at the time. And through the will of God himself ,I woke up in the hospital (literally with wires everywhere), not remembering any pain just confusion. Since then it's been a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least. The pills that I'm on give me crazy symptoms and the worst of it is anxiety..It especially doesn't help when the reason for my arrest is still a mystery, I'm considered a "rare" study and the best of it all I've fainted multiple times out of nowhere (Christmas Infront of my little cousins). It's caused me so much emotional trauma, that I actually feel like something is so wrong with me , and that I'm going to die.

Most days I can control it and just tell myself "listen it's anxiety being a dick to you" and I force myself to smile and it tends to be okay. But I can't shake the thought that "maybe my time will come sooner than I think" ..Here's what I discovered about myself. I am an extremely sensitive and empathetic person. I believe heavily in good vibrations and karma . Among other things I also believe that the things you put into the universe will always come back to you. So of course if I'm open minded enough to believe that the cosmos are going to get back the psycho driver that cut me off, then of course my mind is completely open to possibly anything. And it is. My THEORY of this whole thing is..

We are SURROUNDED by constant death ! And rightfully so I mean it's a part of life. But I'm talking about the ones we see everyday that are caused by destruction , so life being taken away from someone. It is backed up on all forms of media , and whether you read it or not it's there and you're aware of it. Everyday we hear about someone who has "suddenly passed away" due to something usually out of their control( cardiac arrest ,murder etc) . I feel like all of these things that we see had become so normalized that we pack it all away into our subconscious in a way to deal with it. I know I for one some days just "don't want to see any negativity" so I scroll past alot of things. But it's still there in the back of my head. To me it's simple, I think about it merely because it's always there. So my brain, knowing all of these things, tries so hard to figure out how to cope,but in my eyes it just pieces together things I see as making too much sense not to be true. I am the over thinking queen at this point.

It's not that I'm dying, it's that our brains are so smart and so adaptable to circumstances that sometimes in trying to make sense of things, it draws any little thing it can grab and uses that (our subconscious) . Which leaves us feeling overwhelmed with feeling like our untimely doom is near. When it's not YOU. It's the things you're surrounded by.

In knowing this it has helped change my way of thinking, and it's not like I'm lying to myself it's fact. Let's be honest with the amount of ER trips we've taken and it wasn't an emergency. The times we've scheduled Drs appts for him to tell us that infact there is something, but it's a belly ache. Or the things in our Google search that freaked us all the way out but Everytime you get checked, everything is normal. See how smart your brains are. You're so smart that your brain pieces together literally everything and told you that you're dying or something is wrong. And you believed it so much that you went out of your way to get checked. You're a smart cookie. That's just the way I see it. Maintain a healthy lifestyle , try new things, get into something super random , sing songs, meet people, pick up crochet, do your hair, wear your favorite shirt. Not because "you're gonna die soon so you might as well" (actual thought I have allllll the time) . But do it because you need to absolutely love life and do what makes you happy. Eat ALL the red Skittles first from now on. (Red is the best) . Because you deserve any little bit of happy, that you can muster out of your day.

Now obviously I am no Dr. (Clearly by all the things I self diagnose lol) , and I have no credentials to tell people what they think is no what they think. It's just my way of understanding things. .Also I talk way too much so this thread is probably super long. whoops. But I'm interested in what you all have to say. I believe the best support is through positivity and understanding. But thanks for listening guys !!

Ghostbusters out lol

[leidid]

Hello Ghostbusters,
To start off, what a crazy experience you had in your 20's. That's a traumatic experience to go through and happy that you're ok. I understand that an event like that can cause anxiety. When I read the line of eating the red skittles first I nearly teared up. All of us here are struggling from something and trying to find positivity where we can. At times I wonder if the day I have today or tomorrow will be my last. However, it's not the thought of the mystery of when I'll die rather the fact that I want this day to be the last. I hope that you can comfort here from us.

[Helloraspberries1]

I understand your thoughts and feelings for this. Your story is true and alot of people can relate on here.

You got to find what works for you. Keep strong and don't let anything get to you. Things help different people.

You can get help and support but maybe others don't need that.

Maybe you just need someone there.