Medical nightmare

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Emzikle
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:03 pm
Location: South West England

Medical nightmare

Postby Emzikle » Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:37 pm

Sorry for the length, I've had to condense the events or a very full year.

I'm Emily and I'm 17. This time last year I was diagnosed with osteosarcoma (bone cancer) in my left knee. I started chemo 7th Dec and after only a few weeks tried to drown myself and once, lacking any kind of sharp implement and being pretty desperate, scratch through the veins in my wrists.

I had surgery in Feb to remove my knee and part of my femur and replace it with a metal prosthesis. I finished chemo in July and thought that was it. I worked really hard on my physio (which was depressing in itself as I used to be really sporty and now will never run again, jump etc) and got my leg strong enough to go to dance camp in the summer. That was really hard because all of the other girls were better as my knee wouldn't bend far enough, allow me to push off or land on it blah blah blah. I put in hours of practise when everyone else was having a break or eating so I could get through the routine as well as the rest of them. Then just before the performance I collapsed and lost all feeling in my left side as well as memory. I managed to get on stage and stumble through it but I didn't know what was going on or what moves came when.

I found out later that I'd had a stroke because there was a clot in my heart that a bit had broken off and gone into my brain.

I went to France straight after for 3/4 days but felt really ill the whole time; breathless, palpataions, dizziness and upset stomach. When I got back to England I went to my local hospital where I was diagnosed with heart failure. I was rushed to Southampton hospital in an ambulance and sent straight to intensive care.

I was in hospital 3 weeks in which time not much happened except sorting out medication, I didn't really improve although they managed to get rid of the clot in my heart.

I was offered the choice of tablets or injections and when I said I didn't want either they told me if I didn't take one then I could have another stroke and end up paralized which scared me more than anything.

In one of my check ups a few weeks ago I was told to consider a heart transplant but there is no way I will have one and I think if there is a heart available it should be given to someone grateful rather than me.
I also refused any kind of surgery to do with my heart. Once was enough, they didn't say how much pain my leg would put me in and I can't see that heart surgery would hurt less although I'm sure it couldn't hurt more!

The percentage from my echocardiogram result before chemo started was 45% (32% is average) and really healthy. During chemo it dropped to 28% and after my heart failure went down to 12-14%. Last time time they checked (wednesday) it had dropped to 7%.

I've had no support from friends (with the exception of one) none of them are very bothered, some haven't visited at all or even got in contact and a couple have visited me a max of twice in a year.

I think I'm going to die and my family seems to agree, my mum gets all sad when she talks to me and when I mentioned writing a will she cried and got me some paper whereas before she would have told me not to be silly and have hope. The doctors always say they are worried after they have seen me and never give good news.

I can't go out or do anything I like doing. All I can do is stay in bed. I'm off college, have been since end of last November. So don't really see anyone. I went out yesterday to the fireworks but the people I was with made me walk about 3 miles even though I'm not meant to excercise and said "theres no point getting a bus" which really hurt and by the end I wanted to collapse.

I also got stupidly addicted to those inhalers you get for asthma and I was told if I can't stop using them unnescessarily then the muscles in my lungs will collapse and I'll get lung failure too but I can't stop.

If that isn't enough my mum got knocked off her bike by a car and then my dad was rushed into hospital with chest pains; they think he has a heart problem too but he won't rest at home because he can't stand doing nothing and I'm scared he'll push himself too far and his heart won't take it.

I don't know what to do or who to talk to or if I'm going to die. No one is being honest with me and I feel like my whole life has gone down the drain.

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