Unhappy with who I am

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Jessiekerr
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 8:07 am

Unhappy with who I am

Postby Jessiekerr » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:39 am

Just looking for some support. I'm really struggling to cope. I'm really hurting and I don't know where to go from here. I am only 30 years old but was in a 14 year abusive relationship. Mental.. emotional... sexual ... physical .. financial ... I managed to leave about 1.5 year ago but the effects seem to worsen with time as I'd blocked out a lot of past memories. I am now 7 months pregnant with a new partner and I thought he was my world but now I'm seeing things that I didn't see in the beginning. He is not abusive at all but I have uncovered a lot of lying and there's a lot of promises which are never met. I've also let myself down by doing stupid stuff. I feel lost and alone but am ttrying to be strong for my baby. I think he has a sex addiction problem and I really can't stand been hurt anymore. I don't deserve it. Please someone send me some love and some advice. I'm scared of myself and my dark thoughts

Helloraspberries1
Posts: 260
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: Unhappy with who I am

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Wed Dec 07, 2016 3:19 am

Hi, welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear what you going through. Relationships are hard and very difficult at times but your not on your own.

Being in a abusive relationship is a no answer. No one should treat you in any physical or mentally way as they would like to be treated. It's about respect and loyalty. If they can't give you that then you don't need them in your life.

I understand you feel alone and afraid by it all. It's difficult what to do or where to go. By talking about it is a first step into opening up. That's a really good thing you have done.

I don't know if you have thought about counselling at all but someone who can listen to you and be there for you might be what you need right now.

Also therapy groups are another way of opening up and meeting new people. There all in the same boat and it can help with your confidence over time.

I think the best thing to do is keep talking and getting reaching for help. You have made the first step in talking.

Please keep reaching out x

Katjie
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:20 am

Re: Unhappy with who I am

Postby Katjie » Fri Dec 09, 2016 4:49 am

Hi Jessykerr

I was in toxic relationships my whole adult life! It started with meeting an intelligent guy 3 years older than me when I was in matric. I was abused in every way a woman could be, I know the feeling...he was eventually certified as a psychopath and he has almost kill me, long story.

Every relationship after that I choose was out of desperation to be loved, I went in too much in a hurry and committed wholly because if you were hurt, you want to make it better in your next relationship. It does not work that way actually, because if you don't love yourself you seem to attract (in MY case) guys who are also insecure with chips on their shoulders...it is a dependent relationship, each one of you want to want the other person to heal you. I can relate, because I seem to involve myself with "like minded" people, but in a bad toxic way...because both of you was hurt you want the "perfect" partner...NOT.

You can read on the internet (or in books) that men tend to use a lot of sex to cope with depression, because they want a quick fix, and as all of us women know - men think of sex all the time and it is the only outlet for them as they struggle overall with communication...

I am AGAIN currently in such a relationship, long story again, but he has also complained that I do not give as much sex as before, but he forgets (and I DID talked about it with him nicely) that he abuse me mentally and emotionally and forget that for women foreplay begins in the brain.

It will keep being a unhealthy cycle, because me and you don't know how to change that. Now my relationship is almost over, because he threatens that he will move out next year to live near his teenage daughter because "she needs him" (yea he does not realize she is manipulating him because he spoils her, but none of my business). I think it is the only "woman" he was able to control because all the women so far in his history tends to "run" because he is so selfish and has a lot of emotional problems. I love him still, but you know what?

I have made peach with his decision and as soon as I have a job again next year and he moves out, I want to keep this lovely rent-house we live in currently and get myself an interesting house mate (I will have strict interviews until I find a suited person) with who I can drink a glass of wine and have a barbecue with now and then and maybe meet interesting other people again. I am 42 and had my wild days, I just need good old acquaintances who will appreciate me for myself. I don't bother about sex, a woman knows how to please herself. I would rather be only "friends" with like-minded people, relationships are too complicated for me because I don't seem to find a man who are mentally grownup and emotionally healthy. I never had children, but I do have a great love for animals and have enough pets to get unconditional love from.

All I basically want to say here is that you are NOT alone, it happens with A LOT of women, BEAUTIFUL women as well and there are a lot of beautiful women who are celibate because of fear. YOU, GIRL, ARE NOT A FREAK, YOU ARE JUST HURT.

Feel free to talk about it, because a problem shared is a problem halved. I do have my own off days as well, but my sense of humor saves me and when I hurt inside I tell myself that it could have been worst and no matter how much I try, you can't change OTHER people. Don't EVER go back to your exes as well, they just want to use you as a tourniquet again.

Good luck with having your baby and concentrate rather on him/her to make your little one grow up a healthy well balanced person.

I feel for you

Lift up your chin!


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