unmotivated, venting, depressed maybe..

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Rolla107
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:33 pm

unmotivated, venting, depressed maybe..

Postby Rolla107 » Sat Nov 26, 2016 12:27 am

*** heads up I'm kind of venting about a lot of stuff i refuse to talk to anyone i know about, so this may be long***


anyone else ever feel excluded from society? anxious every time you leave the house? its pretty new to me and it started about two months ago after a competition i had, training for it made me feel great mentally, i felt important and for once i found the validity ive always seeked from others, since it ended ive had trouble staying motivated first it started with my training and then it snowballed into depression, anxiety and sometimes thinking to myself I'm pathetic i should kill myself or someone should just do it for me, but i seriously wouldn't do this, i have my mom to take care of and id hate to think of what that would do to her, so I'm not seriously suicidal but the thoughts are there. and i cant get up to do anything i need to do, i feel like ive lost myself as well as my sense of hope. nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me sad, I'm dead inside. I'm also and EMT/Firefighter so that hasn't helped, I'm constantly hoping to myself that i die young and hopefully quick and painless. life has lost its excitement, my generation is hopeless, trustful relationships seem like a thing of the passed. recently ive stopped caring about myself. i have zero motivation to even get up, training is the only thing i love to do and i feel like I'm not good enough to even do that yet, until i fix whatever has gotten me this depressed. by the way the competition i did all began with a bad break up, i dated the same girl for over 4 years and it all ended one night during a phone call, now prior to this phone call everything had been perfect like seriously though even the me and my ex girlfriend were young it was like we were married and things ended over something so stupid and till today she has never answered another call or text, this goes without saying she hasn't tried contacting me either, like man it sucks, i almost took a bullet for this girl believe it if you want or not but when we were like 15-16 i got into a fight on the street one day when a grown man pulled a gun on us after saying something disrespectful to her and i thought about what my dad would do, so i pushed her behind me, she was screaming, it was broad daylight in the middle of a road in front of our school and the guy was yelling, i yelled back and i told him to shoot me. i made a commitment to my action that i knew i was definitely going to die but this is how i wanted to die if i had to. only other option was to run which i thought would be disgraceful or beg him not to shoot which would be even worse. and even now i remember we were separated by cities in the end and every time she came to visit shed cry when she had to leave, i loved her so much so when it ended i had to get her attention and show her i could do better without her. so i kicked ass in the gym literally transformed within 3 months and a year later entered a bodybulding competition and i looked sculpted, not in gross way either, and funny thing is that i remember getting so much attention from girls but i wasn't interested in any of them, unless they reminded me of her which also made me stay away from them. so ive realized that i done all this to get back at my ex, which is funny because she wont talk to me anyways so she probably doesn't know i exist anymore, or does she? i always wonder if she still thinks about me, if she gets sad, does she cry, does she miss me or could she care less, what did she tell her family? even better has she seriously been dictating my life this long its like the thought of her still controls me. i remember one day going to work in uniform the day after our relationship ended and i was breaking inside, we together planned on pursing our careers as part of our master plan together and now that there was no plan what made me still want to pursue a career in ems? crazy thing was that same day before work i stopped at a store to get a redbull and while i was in line a nice lady behind me said "i want to pay for this mans drink" i laughed awkwardly, like was she trying to mess with me, is this some kind of joke haha.. i probably said something dumb like "what?" and she continued to say she was going to pay for my drink and i said no "thank you", but she said "please". i then asked why so she explained to me that when her daughter was 6 she went into anaphylactic shock and nearly died but the paramedics that responded saved her. this blew me away, i went to my car and almost cried, like i was just questioning my career but she reminded me i wasn't doing it for a girl i was doing it to save people, this meant so much to me because it gave me a new sense of purpose, on the down side i learned very quickly that saving people is almost unheard of, bottom line is that reversing death is nothing short of an actual miracle. ive yet to see it, ive seen more people die than i could count. i still have hope i cant become proficient in my skills to still save as many people as i can. another thing is i grew up wanting to be the hero, every cartoon or movie i ever saw, i saw myself as the hero, and growing up ive always saved people from something, whether i had to fight the bullies picking on other kids or talking to others when they needed someone i was always there, i don't believe in a religion or anything but strangely enough i believe i was meant to be a hero even if i die because of this, its the only sense of hope i have, to live and die a hero, and i never knew this would be so hard, my first call a shooting, someone shot in the head and someone else my age shot and dead on the floor, i told myself i could save him.. and i didn't. later i was cleaning the back of the ambulance of the bloody mess and i could see his mom waiting outside when they told her he couldn't be saved, how bad i just wanted to tell her i tried my best. for the first 6 months i thought about this call minimum of 3 times a day, id see his face when i saw other people that looked like him it messed with me but I'm able to shake it off. but yeah not much in my life gives that excitement i want anymore, i wanna date again and really live my life and just have fun, if theres anything my job has taught me its that we're all living on borrowed time, we might not have tomorrow, but i cant shake some of the feelings ive had lately, i miss my family and friends from home I'm alone now and it sucks, i just want to get my career aligned so i could go back everyone has moved on, and this place isn't home either i feel trapped in another dimension, i talked to my dad for like an hour or two today which has never happened and it brought me so many memories i had of good times when i was happy, i had the girl i wanted, friends and family. how i wish i could go back in time.. i miss it all so damn much.. well if anyone reads this or not i actually feel better just venting, but thank you to anyone who chooses to read this

---- I also wanted some opinions on what i should do, so ive done my best to moved on from my passed relationship, now i stopped trying to contact my ex after the first week or two that she started ignoring me, (believe me i want to move on) but without any closure, even a year later and I'm still thinking about it, it bothers the hell out of me that she never tried talking to me, but should i try to contact her? if not how do i get passed this? like I'm not sad or mad about it anymore but i cant not think about it but i really want to. like what if she wants to but shes afraid to?

Helloraspberries1
Posts: 260
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: unmotivated, venting, depressed maybe..

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Sat Nov 26, 2016 1:52 pm

Hi there, welcome to the forums.

Sounds likes you have gone through alot and it's made you feel like there's no hope in life no more which you kind of explained.

We never know why things happen. It's life and how life can be cruel and confusing at the same time.

I know your asking yourself what if I did this or what if I did that and would it be different? You don't know whether things would be or not. Life has taken you on a path to get you to realise what's right and what's wrong. Trying to learn the right way.

I'm not sure what's happened in your life and what you been through but all I can say is that you survived it and commit out on top.

You shouldn't let nothing hold you back. You need do this for you and no one else. Think what will make you happy. Would contacting there girl again and being in this same situation make you happy? Will she be friends with you again? Cuz if if don't and you want to move on then you need to move on.

It will come at some point that your find someone you really like and they like you back.

Don't give up.

I hope that helps

Ihatelifealways
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2016 7:13 pm

Re: unmotivated, venting, depressed maybe..

Postby Ihatelifealways » Sat Nov 26, 2016 7:30 pm

I can so relate...as depression is A beast!!!

I am sorry I cannot offer much advice beyond that, as I am here for help too...heck...I cannot even help myself...LOL!

Feelings
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Dec 03, 2016 3:22 pm

Re: unmotivated, venting, depressed maybe..

Postby Feelings » Sat Dec 03, 2016 5:23 pm

I had same thing happen to me. Ems/firefighter and lost it all.......wife, job and my medic lic. I went down wrong road and wife turned me in. Now im.a felon lost everything. And then had very traumatic event happen. You still have a job and there is another out there for you. Believe me just remember that u are a hero and the job u do is very important. You have to love yourself before you can love another. When you least expect it.....it will happen. Dont compare them to last and let them know how special you are. Be safe and keep on doing your best cuz in no time that special person will walk into your life. Much respect

Katjie
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:20 am

Re: unmotivated, venting, depressed maybe..

Postby Katjie » Sun Dec 11, 2016 6:09 am

Hi Rolla107

If you go find my various comments to others on this site (Katjie), you will find that I and others also had a hard life. Yes there is no quick-fix, we still struggle and try to make peace.

Rolla, I have had a few serious relationships in my life as well. Mostly toxic....Off course it is normal to miss a person after who have went your separate was, it is normal...especially if you have had a sexual relationship.

But I can only speak of experience, no matter of all your years together or a deep friendship you have had with a person....if they DON'T feel the same or don't want to invest in you as a potential lover/boyfriend or in a marriage, there is a reason for it, it is about THEMSELVES and what THEY want and you just happen to be the unlucky person, it could have happened to ANYONE, but it was YOUR turn.

Rather brake all kinds of communication and stop following these persons on social media because life is more then just other people. Make a clean brake, there is no such thing as being friends afterwards, it does not work.

Life is good and make friends and stop being desperate for love...the right person will find you but it is not the end of the world, your pals can make your life fun as well. I take my mobile phone and take pictures of everything beautiful and even pictures of my pets and share it with everyone in my life...I am NOT on social media because I believe in a selected few in my life and they are all that I need.

You know that you are a superhero (like you have told us and I have branded you as such haha), unfortunately like in the movies, superheros operate mostly alone....

You are special, because you wanted to save the world, but sometimes the world does NOT want to be saved....rather save YOURSELF....

Life is truly beautiful, but it is up to YOU, no-one can live life on your behalf....

Nothing wrong with you man, look forward and forget the drag of the past.

xox

Katjie
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:20 am

Re: unmotivated, venting, depressed maybe..

Postby Katjie » Mon Dec 12, 2016 3:51 am

Hi all

I am feeling sad again, well, for a while at least.

This "ending of my relationship" does not have a real ending, no conclusion....

He is friendlier as ever, he kisses my goodbye and goodnight and hello again if he is coming home. He says constantly he is moving out soon because his teenage daughter needs him near, she apparently said so...which I know it is not really her saying that, because I know her, she is spoiled....but he coaches her into making promises and statements and she does say "yes and huh" and she is NOT the person saying directly that she needs him....now he tells me that SHE said in full sentences she wants him to move nearer (just 40km away from me????).

He is confusing me, because when I become sad and in a sad mood (I am NOT trying to manipulate him), he picks it up and wants to know why I am sad...then he explains his plans all over again, instead of being sympathetic....then I stop the conversation before it becomes out of order.....when I start to cry (because I still love him) he hugs me and say that anything can happen in a few months, it will not be NOW...maybe he will think about it more because he loves me to.....He CONFUSES me, I don't know what to think of his constant "thinking" about it.....do you think he is messing with me because he also can't afford to move out now?

He promised me there is no-one else, no other woman and I believe him because he doesn't have the privacy or time and I spy on his mobile sometimes and there seems to be only his clients contacting him....he is still warm towards me, BUT he doesn't want to make love anymore and sleeps in another room the past two months...it is cruel of him to be warm and going on as if nothing has happened, he even takes me out to dinner etc like at the beginning - he is the nicest to me more than the past 4 years...

Is there any male person out there who can explain to me what my boyfriend (or whatever he wants me to believe) is thinking? I don't understand him anymore...it hurts.


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