Feeling judged, misunderstood, belittled, alone

[Hml2404]

I have been suffering with severe depression for about 3 years now. It took About a year to open up about it to my parents and even those who I thought to be my closest friends. Back then I was at my rock bottom stage, failing tests for the first time in my life. Felt worthless. Unmotivated. Guilty. Alone. Couldn't get out of bed. The times that I did, I wasted my entire days. Missed class for weeks. Did not care about anything at all. Suicide was like a dream at the time. All I wanted to do was smoke weed and sleep. In all honesty weed is probably the only thing that has ever been there for me when others have not. My brother encouraged me to get help because I was really down and he noticed I wasn't myself. That's when I reached out for counselling and was diagnosed, then started taking medication. In all honesty I tried to convince myself that I got better, up until this day, just because most days now I actually do force myself to get out of bed and go to work and school, which felt impossible to do in the beginning. But when I'm really honesty with myself, it has not gotten better. I still feel like shit. I still feel empty, like there is always something missing. And I don't know what it is. Even when I get 90s in school I'm not satisfied or happy, I still worry about how I could've done better and how it's not good enough. Like nothing I do is ever good enough. I am still insecure about so many things, my physical appearance, my personality, picking at every thing about myself and I can't seem to love myself no matter how hard I try to spread positive messages to others about loving themselves and being happy with who they are.
For a while now I've done so much critical analysis of my life that I believe a lot of why I feel this way is because of my environment. Who I have surrounded myself with and who I still allow to suck the life out of me, like leeches. Ive cut many people off, relationships, friendships, started new ones, invested so much into them. All while I've been depressed and constantly feeling like shit about myself. Yet still, just about everyone in my life besides my family treats me like shit. All I get is neglect, disrespect, I am so unappreciated, ignored, used, abused, in so many ways. Starting with men, all they have ever done is use me for sex. Or f*** around with my feelings and play me. My heart is pure and genuine and no matter how many times I get f***** over I can never get myself to believe that people are shitty and evil and have ulterior motives. I still let them in and the same thing happens over and over. I don't know why I felt like I needed a mans love so much that I let them step all over me for years of my life. It has damaged me so much that I can't even understand or convey the extent to which it has destroyed Me. First getting cheated on by someone I loved so deeply was the worst feeling that I will never forget. I left him and thought I could do better because he treated me like absolutely nothing,so how could it get any worse- I thought? But it did. Every guy after that just used me. It didn't matter if I waited 2 years before opening my legs to them or two days. They all just wanted one thing and put in as much time and effort and manipulation as was necessary to get it. One after the other, making me feel more stupid and worthless each time. Beyond objectification, teaching me that my physical appearance and my Body is all i will ever have to offer. All that they will ever see in me or want from me. Not taking no for an answer. Rape. More than once. Me justifying it and telling myself that because it wasn't aggressive, because I did not wake up with bruises and scars across my body or face, that it did not count. But the scars and bruises developed on the inside, and have not healed since. Destroying my sense of self worth, no matter how much my friends try to tell me I'm amazing or I deserve this and that, I never get it. Which is a constant cycle reaffirming my negative thoughts about myself, about my insecurities. I could go on forever about men and how they have destroyed my hope in them forever. About how much rage and hatred I have toward them. About how much I want to see the ones who have hurt me suffer. And yet a minute later I feel guilty for even feeling that way, because I am way too f****** nice that it hurts. It's like I can't ever avoid this pain because people will always take advantage of my kindness and compassion. And what hurts the most is that it is never reciprocated back to me. Recently I have even cut off almost all my girl friends. They all judge me... I feel as though I am constantly being judged and misunderstood and it is such a terrible feeling I can't even describe it. My friends can get drunk and throw up and act like fools plenty of times, I am happy to take care of them the whole night and go home and not even have fun. Without a complaint, without judging them. Yet it happens to me a few times- and I don't even act as bad as they do- and the one time in like a year that they have to take care of me, they cuss me out and make me feel like a stupid piece of shit. Embarrass me. I spent the whole night crying in front of everyone, fighting with my friend all because she spent the whole night yelling at me because I was drunk and felt sick. She knows I'm depressed and that I take medication. Ur not supposed to drink with medication, and sometimes I notice it reacting in a way that makes me f***** up and not myself. Yet they have no tolerance for me and the little mistakes that I rarely make. They disrespect me, talk down on me, treat me like a nuisance. And still have the audacity to say they aren't judging me and that they love me and I can tell them anything? One thing I know is that this is not love. It has been an extremely painful journey, realizing that most people are selfish and do not care about anyone but themselves. At least that is what I have learned about my old "friends" that I used to have and newer friends that I still do have. Yet, when it comes down to me making a mistake one time that they have done 10 times, I am treated like a stupid f***** up annoying person. Like a weirdo. I can't even explain how much it hurts for people to not understand my depression and how significantly it affects every aspect of my life. U don't have to sit there and cry and feel sorry for me. All I have ever wanted is respect and empathy. For people, at least those close to me, not to talk down on me or make me feel stupid or worthless. To yell at me and cuss at me even for the smallest, most trivial things. To make me feel like everything I do is wrong. I just wish people who claim to care about me could treat me how I treat them. At least just be kind and talk to me with respect. Try to be there for me and show me empathy, even 1/10 of the empathy I've shown to them. That would be enough for me. But I cannot even get the simplest thing from people who call themselves my BEST FRIENDS- the thing that I feel every human being deserves- kindness. It is such a struggle going to university and having endless papers and tests and two jobs and being surrounded by people who do not value you at all or show you the most basic level of respect. I hand in so many of my papers late and have to drag myself out of bed. It makes me feel like shut about myself that I can't get myself to do The things that I want to do, the things that I NEED to do. I have angry mood swings more often now. I have no hobbies or any interest in anything. The only thing that has calmed me is weed and lately even that makes me have weird, discomforting thoughts. Mostly when I am around people, because that feeling of being constantly judged by everyone becomes even more amplified. I feel like the world is against me. I care so much about people and really want to help people. If I can ever get through this debilitating illness, or at least learn to live with it in a way that allows me to still reach my goals without struggling so much, then I hope I can one day help other people out there who feel the way I do. Or worse. Women who have suffered abuse. People who have suffered from mental illness and the stigma associated with it. Poor people, sad people. Anyone who is down. I think that is the only thing I have left, besides my amazing family. I hope I can get myself through this and graduate and make myself do the things I need to do to at least get somewhere in life. I hope this doesn't continue to destroy my life the way it has. I really want to meet good people who can change my view on humanity, but I don't know more than a handful of them. It is really draining to live in a world full of hateful negative people who belittle me and my mental illness. At this point I don't feel comfortable talking about it with anyone I know because they will just say or think I am "playing victim" or feel sorry for myself, the opinion of me that my "best friend" has which she threw in my face last week while she was drunk. Everyone in my life has been fake. Pretending to care while judging me and clearly having such a low opinion on me. I wonder why they even waste their time with me at all, if this is how they feel about me. I feel incapable of forgiveness or letting go of all the pain that people have caused me. I hate them so much. Even the few people I love, have hurt me so much that I hate them so much it is overwhelming. Feels like I'm not being true to myself. I'm scared of cutting everybody off and ending up alone, like I almost am. Even when people betray me in the worst ways, I hate them and then feel bad or guilty when cutting them off. They always apologize or try to come back to my life and I feel so bad even though I know I shouldn't because they did terrible things and don't deserve to be in my life. I wish I could let go of these grudges but they are eating away at me inside and making my hate and rage grow. I cannot let things go. I cannot forget the negative. And it just adds to my depression even more. I know that no one can help me but myself. I don't know how to find positive or embrace the positive because in my mind it is so rare and I hardly ever see anything positive. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm drained exhausted, tired.

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi I'm sorry to hear what you been going through. It sounds you been through alot.

I can definitely understand what your going through as alot you mentioned is some of the stuff I'm going through too.

It sounds like you always wanted to be loved by people and appreciated. Like you deserve the respect like everyone else. Which is truly understandable and why shouldn't you.

Hearing from your experiences it maybe you never had that. There could of been alot of triggers what made you become who you became.

I know it's very difficult knowing what to do know and how to feel now this has happened but the one thing I would say is that your not on your own with how you feel and there is always someone who's going through the same thing or worse.

You sound alot of what I've been going through. Where as with having no real friends it's at my work so I definitely know how you feel.

I'm trying to work on myself and I know its not working. I feel I need more help in terms of putting myself together. It's hard not knowing how to go about it and who to talk to.

I don't know if you have tried talking to someone like a counsellor but it maybe you just need someone like myself to listen to you and support you in what your going for. Also helping them to get behind your past.

I know it's hard opening to someone you don't know. I completely understand and get it. However, you will feel much better and you will start to feel good in yourself for doing that.

If it was me I would go and talk to someone. If at anytime you are in crisis call the crisis number and don't suffer in silence.

Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you well x

[Hml2404]

[quote="Helloraspberries1"]
Thank you for understanding. It does feel better to know that someone out there can relate and doesn't think I'm overly sensitive or playing victim. It sucks that people just don't care what we go through or about mental illness at all. They will only care if it happens to them. I have not really had time or energy to make it to counselling appointments lately and I get charged $60 when I miss them which I can't afford, so I haven't booked an appointment in months. School is really stressing me out and I barely have time for anything. Hopefully I can make time to go in the next month or so. Thanks, I appreciate your advice. And I hope you feel better too.

[Helloraspberries1]

That's good to hear that your try and go. Hopefully it helps you in some way to deal with your emotions and inner thoughts.

I feel the same way all the time about life. It never gets easier and you feel like no one understands you are on the edge to recovery. It takes ages for it to happen.

The most important thing to do is always talk to someone about how you feel. That's one thing I've learnt. I don't talk to people about how I feel unless something really gets to me but I should. I think you need to aswell. You don't know how much it can help in the long run.

I hope school is going ok and it improves. I'm not sure if there's a teacher you can talk to or a friend but it would be good to talk to someone there when your feeling down.

Glad to hear your doing ok

[Katjie]

Hi all

I am feeling sad again, well, for a while at least.

This "ending of my relationship" does not have a real ending, no conclusion....

He is friendlier as ever, he kisses my goodbye and goodnight and hello again if he is coming home. He says constantly he is moving out soon because his teenage daughter needs him near, she apparently said so...which I know it is not really her saying that, because I know her, she is spoiled....but he coaches her into making promises and statements and she does say "yes and huh" and she is NOT the person saying directly that she needs him....now he tells me that SHE said in full sentences she wants him to move nearer (just 40km away from me????).

He is confusing me, because when I become sad and in a sad mood (I am NOT trying to manipulate him), he picks it up and wants to know why I am sad...then he explains his plans all over again, instead of being sympathetic....then I stop the conversation before it becomes out of order.....when I start to cry (because I still love him) he hugs me and say that anything can happen in a few months, it will not be NOW...maybe he will think about it more because he loves me to.....He CONFUSES me, I don't know what to think of his constant "thinking" about it.....do you think he is messing with me because he also can't afford to move out now?

He promised me there is no-one else, no other woman and I believe him because he doesn't have the privacy or time and I spy on his mobile sometimes and there seems to be only his clients contacting him....he is still warm towards me, BUT he doesn't want to make love anymore and sleeps in another room the past two months...it is cruel of him to be warm and going on as if nothing has happened, he even takes me out to dinner etc like at the beginning - he is the nicest to me more than the past 4 years...

Is there any male person out there who can explain to me what my boyfriend (or whatever he wants me to believe) is thinking? I don't understand him anymore...it hurts.