Lost

[Justmeniki]

Hello. My name is Niki. I was born to a mother who didn't love me and a father who loved me very much. They divorced not long after I was born and when I was 5 my father passed away. Grew up pretty typically I guess. My mother has 4 children. My brother, myself, my younger brother, and my little sister. My mom married my step father when I was around 6 or 7 and things went ok for many years. When I was 12 he and my mom had their own daughter. He didn't like me much anymore after that. Their marriage started really falling apart around then too. I remember clearly one night around that time. My bedroom was just off of the living room. I woke up to the sound of a plate smashing against the wall and them screaming. I don't remember what all was said except him screaming "You can take your kids but if you take mine I'll kill you!" and him slamming the door and tearing out in his truck. After I knew he gone for sure I got out of bed to check on my mom. I went up to her sitting in the recliner and she was crying. I asked her if she was ok. I was worried he had hit her. She looked me in my eyes and I'll never forget the look she gave me. She hated me. She told me "If we get a divorce it's your fault." I wish I could remember what I had done that day but I can't. I just went back to bed without another word. The next day they moved me out of my bedroom and into the old laundry room at the back of the house. It was very small and dirty but I was glad I couldn't hear them anymore. My stepdad began physically and verbally destroying me after that. I was fat, ugly, lazy, and stupid. He loved to kick me with his steel toed work boots. Mom just stopped talking to me. She would take the other kids out and leave me at home. She would have girls day with my sister and aunts and I never got to come along. I went from being a straight A honor roll student to barely passing and/or failing. I wish so much I would've done more and tried harder. I would've had a much better life if I would've just cared enough to try in school. I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Never have. In high school though at 16 I became addicted to sex. It felt good. It felt like love. I became only worthwhile if someone wanted me. I graduated at the bottom of my class. I left home on my 18th birthday. My mom finally let me go since she couldn't get anymore social security money from my father's death after that. I tried going to college but messed it all up. The classes were so hard and I had all this freedom now. I met a guy who promised me the world and got pregnant at 19. No matter what though I can never think of my son as a mistake. He's the only reason I keep going most days. After he was born his father showed who he really was. He shook our son and tossed him on the bed when my son cried too much one night. One of the only times I've ever hit someone. I took my son and what I could gather and carry in a few mins and left. Never went back. I've been hopping around ever since. Lots of bad relationships. I put having and keeping a man before my son a number of times. It makes me sick. Lost jobs because I was stupid. There's so much more I'd like to get off of my chest but I've run out of energy and the will to finish this right now... Please excuse me.

[EagerBeaver]

I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties you experienced as a child. My heart goes out to you! You’re traveling an incredibly challenging road, and I wish I could hug you right now. I think it would be a good idea if you seek counseling regarding your situation. If finances are a concern, perhaps check with some faith-based organizations? For instance, I know Focus on the Family will offer a free phone consultation with a licensed counselor (855-382-5433). Or you could check with a local church to see if they have suggestions. But I'll certainly be keeping you in my prayers in the meantime... And remember, God cares for you and I know He loves you more than you could ever imagine. Hugs!

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi, thank you for sharing your story.

I felt for you from the difficult times you experienced as a child. I can't imagine what it just of been like for you. The fact that you were treated differently from your siblings is beyond me. I don't see how that would of been right or fair.

When you talked about your mum and dad falling out and him leaving, it made me think that it's just two parents arguing. I don't believe why your mum would of thought you would of been the problem to them arguing, like what is it you have done do bad for her to blame you. No kid should be at the course to your parents fighting. It's more to do with them then you. I hope this doesn't ruin you and that you can stay strong in order to bring up your kid. You shouldn't feel guilty. It's not your fault.

With you now having a son and bringing him up. It must make you feel a much stronger and positive person to know that you will bring up your child a better way your parents did with you. You are also wiser to know what life is like and that's something you will teach to your son.

The most important person is your son. Aslong as you have him then no other person matters. I'm time you might be able to trust others again but please look after yourself. You need to right now.

If anything else gets you down please come back here. We have the chat rooms too. You might find the Lounge Room a good place to start to get others to know you.

I hope that helps and please take care.

[Justmeniki]

Thank you both. I've dealt with a lot of it. It took a long time and actually confronting my mother for answers about a year ago before I was able to move on with a lot of it. Even though it creeps up on me still sometimes... I'm better now. I have recently broken up with a man who I thought was going to be it for me. It's triggered a lot of bad thoughts to creep back up. "Why didn't he love me?" "What did I do?" "Why does this always happen?" "Am I really unlovable?" I tried so hard. I poured everything into him and our relationship. I've neglected giving my son time and attention at times JUST like my mother did me and am ashamed of it. It eats at me. I'm trying so hard now to just hold it all together. I think... I held on so long because of all I'd put into it. I have a lot of social problems from what all I went through. I don't bond with women hardly at all. I have made one female friend in my life. She's been my friend since 5th grade. I'm 30 now. We're still good friends but she is married and caught up in her own life. I pushed away a dear friend because he's a man because it bothered the man I was with that we were so close. I don't have any other friends. I don't talk to other people much. I am very very much alone in this world. I don't want to be alone anymore. Every day I put on my smile. I put on my mask. I just wanted someone to love me. He treated me so badly and I just took it for so long. Even when I ended it... I begged him and I hadn't even done anything wrong. He just ignored me like I never existed. How can someone do that to someone? After everything I've done for him and been through. Why would I even love someone like this? It's like the worse he treated me the more desperate I was to work out the relationship. I gave up my self respect to stay with him and he acted like he was doing me a favor staying with me. He'll be happy and move on like I was never there. I supported him through his horrible rough time and he left me for it... The minute he was in a better situation and all. He just left me... I just want it to stop hurting. It's not right to give someone so much love and just be hurt for it. After everything else I've been through. I find myself wondering if I've somehow brought down some curse on myself. It seems so easy for other people. I have to have a pep talk with myself just to go to the grocery store. Sometimes I put it off for days. I never know how to talk to people. I just... I just want to be accepted and loved. All goofy, awkward, depressed, anxious bit of me. I try to pour so much love into others and it always goes wrong. What is wrong with me? I keep trying to convince myself it'll get better and chug through another bit of life but it only ever seems to get worse. I try to do my best. I know I mess up but... It's all my fault isn't it? I know it is. I've made every one of my stupid choices. He was saying he loved me but he never showed it. I knew that. I just kept making excuses. It wasn't all bad. He was my best friend. I started and ended every day talking to him. Please... when does it get better?

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi Lost, I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. I can understand how much it has and is hurting you. Your not on your own.

You ask yourself why I am being treated like this by another human being? What have I ever done to deserve this? Was i being stupid ignoring the signs ? I believe these questions have always been there from the day you set eyes on him. Just like with any relationship you have your doubts.

The way he treated you and always have has been unacepptable and you knew that. It was a case of getting out before it being too late and you got out at the right time. Sometimes you just need that incouragment to do things.

Things will start getting better for you. It can only get better. Your just like any other human what goes through good and bad times in there life and when that happens it getting ourselves back to normal again.

Your no different to anyone else. Your you and only you. Don't blame yourself for what another human being did to you. You deserve better and will.

Just concentrate yourself and your son. That's what's important.

Remember you got us