Blind leading the blind. Please help...

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Imogene11
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:19 pm

Blind leading the blind. Please help...

Postby Imogene11 » Sun Sep 04, 2016 11:13 pm

Hi, My name is Imogene (M-Oh-Jen). I'm here because I'm dealing with, what I seem to believe Depression and Social Anxiety. There's no one in my life who I think cares enough to listen to my problems. I've made many doctors appointments within the past year, but I have yet to go. I fear that I will be humiliated, and told there's nothing wrong with me. It scares me so much because what I feel is very true to me, and if I get told there's nothing wrong with me I'll feel extremely hopeless.

I want to give a brief background of myself. I grew up in a broken home. My father, what it seems, took me from my mother when I was born. Their stories of my life are completely different so I don't know what the truth is. My father quickly replaced my mother from my life with my step family. They've caused a great deal of my pain. I've always resented my mother for not fighting for me, I always felt like I'd be a happier person if I lived with her. My father is a reserved man, if he doesn't have to he won't show his face at any event. He's very dismissive and extremely controlling. Growing up he was a very vocal and physical man. He'd beat a lot of my siblings for acting up, so I grew up very timid and quiet. I knew what not to do to get beat, but that never stopped him from yelling at me. He'd yell whenever he felt angry, and If I were to express any emotion that wasn't happy he'd yell. I could never choose things in my life and if I did he'd yell and force me to choose otherwise. It's as if he wanted me to be a happy robot. Something traumatic happened when I was 11 and ever since I've been reserved from my family. My family isn't good at talking about real issues so I've never been able to speak to them about virtually any of my feelings or issues.
Here are some things that I've noticed about myself this past year
•Withdrawn from and lost many long term friendships.
•Withdrawn from family.
•Don't speak to family unless spoken to.
•Don't speak to anyone really unless spoken to.
•Does not approach strangers.
•Doesn't hang out with friends, other friends.
•Seem withdrawn from others.
•Avoid social gatherings like parties.
•If I do attend a party I end up yawning, being alone or forcing myself to look as if I'm having a good time.
•Very little excitement.
•Abuse drugs.
•Have anxiety attacks in public places or social gatherings under the influence.
•Become repulsed at guys while under the influence.
•Become very self doubting, awkward and negative under the influence.
•Extremely low self esteem.
•Allow guys to use me because I feel like I'm not worthy.
•Afraid of being close or opening up to anyone relationship or friendship wise because I think they won't understand.
•Can't stick up/ stand up for myself or beliefs.
•Never satisfied with life.
•Laid in bed all summer, probably had 5 outings. If I do get out of bed, once I wake I must lie there for an hour.
•Hate attention.
•Few suicidal thoughts within the last month.
•Had anxiety attacks because of public speaking.
•Never the first to speak.
•Always feeling down and can never seem to just suck it up and enjoy life.
•Think my family doesn't truly care about me or want to see me succeed.
•Hate when others stare at me.
•Can't make eye contact.
•Hard being compassionate.
•Hard showing emotion.
•Feel guilty for trying to tell my friends how I truly feel.
•Create scenarios that end in me being let down.
•Think of the worst before the best.
•Always expected the worst.
•Feel numb.
•Tend to over eat.
•Cry when I begin to think of misfortunes.
•Real sad in the morning and emotions simmer down throughout the day.
•Force myself to smile when others speak to me.
•Typical responses are "Yeah", "Yes", or I nod and smile.
There are probably other things that I'm not remembering at the moment, but these are things that I am dealing with a lot and severely. I do wish to find someone to talk to about certain things in depth with. I just truly want help, guidance and a shoulder to lend on.

Flawinmycode
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2016 3:14 pm

Re: Blind leading the blind. Please help...

Postby Flawinmycode » Tue Sep 06, 2016 3:25 pm

Hi

I don't know if you got any comments back on your post, in case you haven't I didn't want you to be alone while going through this. I have depression, social anxiety and I self harm, so I understand some of what your going through. If you want someone to lean on while going through this I'm here

Bee4Shine
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2016 12:57 pm

Re: Blind leading the blind. Please help...

Postby Bee4Shine » Tue Sep 06, 2016 3:56 pm

It sounds like a lot of the things you are experiencing have come from your past. You have developed ways of behaving that are not really you, but a result of being conditioned to behave that way. I want to encourage you to please go see a doctor. They will not dismiss you like your father did. If you are there, it is because you need to be there and they know that. Here is a list of soul words: https://www.relationship180.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/SoulWordList.pdf When I am struggling with feelings and emotions, I turn to this list and try to identify my emotion. It has helped me so much to understand myself, what my emotion is and what caused it and what I can do about it. I do want to also encourage you to put aside the drug abuse, it will in no way help you, but will make things worse.

Remind yourself that you are created to be unique. You are special. You were designed to be loved. You may not have people in your life right now, and you may be to some extent pushing people away, but that does not need to be a continuing pattern. A counselor or therapist will help you move through and past this in your life.

I am sorry for your past, for the sadness that your family caused. My friends have actually become my family, it is possible. If you need to talk - I am here!

ree
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2016 6:37 am

Re: Blind leading the blind. Please help...

Postby ree » Sun Nov 20, 2016 5:15 am

aw I went through some of the things you are saying.. message me anytime


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