Suffering Silently Inside

[mrsbigstuff2015]

Okay...hello...its taken me 5 days to gain the courage to post after becoming a member, and even as i am writing, my chest is hurting, my palms are sweaty, and my hands are shaking (yes, i am currently experiencing an anxiety attack right now). There is so much i need to let out, but i am very much a scatter brain, and memory issues keep me from opening up. So i will do my best to express how i feel....

Up until 4 years ago, I thought I had my life more in control. Things were not great, by far, but things seemed like they were going in the right direction. Everything I have been through in my life seemed to work itself out, or so I thought. I did not realize how much I have kept bottled in. And 4 years later, the result is overwhelming.

The Trigger

4 years ago, my only daughter (3 at the time) was called home by her Creator. This is the event that opened up everything. I didnt have time to really mourn her, as i had to be strong for her brother (8 then), as well as prepare her funeral. A week later i found out i was pregnant with my now 3 year old son.

My daughter had been born with a rare heart condition, which is the ultimate cause of her passing. But you should know, that a week before she passed, we were in a car accident (tire blew on highway), which helped her passing come sooner than i ever wanted. After finding out i was pregnant, i went and got a job even though how i was feeling was taking a toll. I became very depressed. The only time I got out of bed was to go to work, which I thought was odd but anyway. I lasted 4 months, and then I jus walked out on my shift, left a note saying I wasnt coming back, I couldnt do it, and not to contact me. Something I have NEVER done. So, its been 4 years since I have worked. My pregnancy did not go so well either, as I had to struggle with medical issues. After that, I had problems with migraines (which I had problems with since I had my daughter). I was put on a prescription for that until the precription ran out. I dont really remember when they stopped though. But I am having them again currently.

The Overwhelming Journey

As the last 4 years progressed, this is what me and my children have been through. After having my youngest son, I lost my car (this makes twice, first time was the car accident), and my apartment. I stayed in a hotel for 3 weeks before moving in with one of my son's family member. My depression got worse and I ran out of there to my dad's apartment. I found out that was a mistake when they tried to throw me and my children into a homeless shelter. So, I left there too, stayed with an elderly woman who didn't ask for anything from me. But, she lost her home to some legal issues with her family, so again we moved. Stayed with another elderly woman who ended up trying to take advantage of me and my situation. During all this time, I had begun to experience multiple panic attacks (did not realize at the time) putting me in the ER every few months. It wasnt brought to my attention that they were anxiety attacks until the heart doctor ran all the tests and my heart is fine. Still, I didnt seek help, yet. When I had my first real breakdown, I tried to get help from social services, but they were only concerned with my children and wanting to take them from me. I tried to run out of there too...but a lady caught me and said she could help. She was with a mental health organization and they put me in a hotel for 2 weeks. They were supposd to work closely with me to work out All my issues, but instead I was left at the hotel alone with the kids, with maybe 3 or 4 days of actual counseling. When i was told I would have to find somewhere to go on Christmas until a shelter bed was available (yea, they tried it too) I just left and went back to the miserable woman. A few days later I was able to move across the street, but not before getting into shouting matches with anyone I came in contact with. Somewhere along the way, anger debuted itself into my life and has been preventing me from life. This has gotten worse as now when argue I physically hurt myself in the process. I finally was able to get a place through section 8.

Its been almost a year and it may seem like things should be ok now right? But its not, because I'm having panic attacks almost every day now. I cry all the time, sometimes I dont really know why and it takes awhile to break out of it. The mental health organization I had tried to work with did have me diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I lasted a month on the prescription before I gave up on it. I have not been officially diagnosed with anxiety, but I am suffering and my life is a mess.

I can't function like normal anymore. I used to be so organized, happy, participating in things, working. Now, I'm just tired all the time, can't eat, can't sleep, can't do my daily chores, etc. I sabotage all plans I make, and procrastinate on doctors appts, or anything for that matter. Nothing stimulates me anymore and I never want to do anything, even though I do. I easily forget simple things and can't seem to keep focus on anything. I self-bash and can't find anything I like about myself. I have completely isolated myself from everyone, although as far as my family is concerned, a lot has come out and I felt the need to cut all toxic things out of my life. Yes my family is toxic and is soley responsible for destroying me emotionally and verbally as a child/adult. All of that is now becoming very clear to see now. As soon as I noticed they were trying to do it to my son, I just cut them off. I dont know why I can stand up for my kids, but not myself. I have always been a people pleaser, but the fact that I can't get anyone to give me the time of day, keeps me wanting to be isolated.

The Now

On top of that, right now I am trying to pass a kidney stone, which is apparently triggering anxiety as well as pain. I suffer with digestive issues and GERD also. I am also prediabetic and prone to hemorrhaging. I suffer from chronic back and neck pain (possibly from the car accident). I have horrible mood swings and become irritable very easily and quickly. And even now, parenting has become a problem. I have a lot of negative thoughts about myelf. In my depressive state, i think and talk alot about death. I always feel like I dont want to be here, most of the time I think I have no need to be here. My only snap back to reality is my boys.....but if it werent for them, I am pretty sure things would have gone differently. I don't have the guts, but there have been a couple times I tried to come up with some kind of way to get around that. Being a female of mixed races, the insecurity is always there. But most of my self-loathing comes from believing other people. Everytime something good happens, 2 major bad things happen.

I hate this feeling of being lost, insecurity, lonliness, anger, sadness, hopelessness. All I ever wanted was to be able to express myself without fear of being judged. I have been judged my whole life and it beats you down. I have a bf, but I'm dragging him through all of this and now he is showing signs of anxiety. Sometimes, I wish I could just crawl under a rock and not ever have to come out.....

Sorry its so long...and its not even half of how i feel. I just need to vent.

[Shannon9]

Im so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. No parent should ever loose a child. I have not lost a child but I do suffer tremendously from anxiety and depression. There is a better life for you and your boys we just and I mean WE have to get you there. I am here my name is Shannon . I am the mother of 4 and a recovering drug addict. I lost my little sister suddenly when she was 21. I am here.

[i-miss-my-angel]

I am so sorry for your pain I had a baby 1/28/16 and was called home 2/12/16 she was 15 days she had been fussy so daddy took her into our bed I was so groggy the last time I kissed her and told her I loved her I don't even remember it she died in his arms

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi there. Thank You for sharing your story on the forums. I know it must of not been easy.

Your life seems to have gone through so many bad events which isn't something we would understand unless we have been through it. I'm really sorry what has happened to you and your little girl.

Losing someone isn't easy. We all know how he feels to lose someone were close to. I can't imagine what it was like on the day of the funeral and having to deal with everyone there and your kids. It really wasn't easy for you.

You mentioned about your boy being in a car accident then died. Really, why has life treated you like that. Why did you ever do to deserve two people pass away her were your kids. I really don't know how you feel or what I can possibly say.

Everything what's happened you seemed to of bounced back and got on with the say despite how you been feeling. I know and understand that you wanted to cope and get through this. Work couldn't of been easy I know. You made the right choice by leaving. How could you possibly cope!

Not sure what it must of felt like at Christmas. I know that must of been the worst day of your life. I'm glad you seemed to of got some help during that time.

I'm sorry that you didn't get the best of services for your illness. You should of got a second opinion and the problem should of been delt with by the professionals. You still feel this way and even though your in a better place you still feel lost and lonely.

Please do continue getting the professional help you deserve and to not give up. You got a wonderful husband who's there for you and us now to support you including your family.

I'm not sure if you have ever received bervemant counselling but it might be something to help you along your way. Maybe going with your husband might be an idea? Also it's important you talk about these things. Your husband won't think your a burden he knows your going through a hard time and have been.

If you ever feel lonely or lost again please do come back. Were here to help and don't want you to feel alone.

Wish you the best of luck

Well Done for Sharing your story.

Hugs x