Being Different

[nppc197]

Here I am, brand new. To this website, that is. I'm no stranger whatsoever to feeling left out, and being different.

I probably have Asperger's syndrome. I say 'probably,' because that's what my immediate family and myself agree on, though my medical diagnosis just puts me somewhere on the Autism spectrum, which is more generalized. But I'd be too lucky to just be burdened by that, so I also have ADHD, and I'm Bipolar Type 1 as well. These are all officially recognized as cognitive disorders; some say that having one or the other is a "gift," because "it makes you bright and creative," or "it's just a different way of thinking," so on and so forth. I disagree.

The key problem is having such serious communication impairments. There are times, when I'm in a better mood, that I can speak relatively fluently. But I usually have constant problems getting words across, stammering and trailing off sentences, and if you ask me to talk to someone I hardly recognize, It just doesn't happen. Words do everything to evade me, and it's frustrating to no end. Talking to anyone (In direct conversation) about my life, especially when I really don't feel like it, has the same effect. Of course, I also have the mood swings, anxiety episodes, racing thoughts all the time, very delayed and broken sleep cycles, and a list of other matters that affect every day of my life.

I'm 19 years old as of now, and will turn 20 in about 5 months (My birthday is in January). Everyone else at this age is attending college, getting a job, becoming independent, moving forward. As for me, I'm just looking into the future and thinking something along the lines of "How can I be the same?" My mind, really, is so different that I don't even know if I could achieve independent living. Sure, millions of others are looking into their futures with worry, but I'm looking into mine with great fear.

It's affected me for as long as I can remember. My parents divorced in December of 2000, when I was going on 4. They say it had nothing to do with me or my brother. I'm not really sure if I believe them, but I've never asked them why they divorced, and I never will. In the very first years of grade school, nothing seemed wrong to me. I socialized with other children, and it was all A-OK. I have trouble remembering specific things from so far back, but I'll do my best to recall them. It was around third or fourth grade when I really began to realize that I was different. I was losing my temper and yelling a lot, and other kids seemed less inclined to be involved with me. My social life outside of school wasn't any better. By middle school (6th to 8th grade where I attended), there was nothing left of it. I stopped communicating almost entirely, because I was just too awkward for it. 7th grade came around, and my grades went into a landslide. Where I used to rarely get D's or F's, those started popping up all over my report cards. It's not that I didn't understand the material, suffering from distractibility, disorganization, and other common ADHD symptoms on top of being depressed and having little incentive do the work while being slow to process things is what brought my success down. My standardized test scores were actually quite high, as there is truth to the 'high-functioning' perspective of Asperger's. Nonetheless, those friends I thought I had for a brief time several years before probably thought I was just weird, and didn't really prefer to talk to me. I've never had any real friends.

The next few years were just that. Having grades much worse than I was actually capable of, and having no social life because I was just too different to achieve even simple friendship. My mother tried everything to help me, but it only made matters worse. We'd get into serious, and often very shouty arguments because she was very obstinate in getting me to go to therapists, and get out of the house to do things I had absolutely no desire to do. The fact that I had to deal with this while going to horrendously boring school day after day to be around people who had friends and much more satisfactory lives made me feel completely detached. I ended up with no choice but to move in with my dad, because my mom and I just couldn't live in the same house anymore.

Wow, this has become very extensive. I guess I'll conclude this by saying it's looking, now, like I may not even be able to achieve independent living, let alone true success. I'm very fearful of the things I should be getting into right now. I'm open to anyone's thoughts.

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi there, welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear how bad you been struggling and know it can't be easy for you.

There's a lot of underline issues which hasn't been resolved yet and I'm a bit worried. The reason why is how much it's got to the point of you stressing with no one paying attention to seeing that clearly need support.

They should be aware you have autism in class so they can support you the best possible way. I see this mainly is due to the lack of support not being given to you for whatever reason, not letting you achieve you full potential.

Have your teachers spoken to you at all about how well your doing in school? Have they gave you advice on your results? If not this conversation needs to be talked about.

It's not for you to do but it's for the teachers to do. Would speaking to your dad and going with him to the school and talking to your teachers help for a solution to be set in pace? Sounds like you need someone to speak on your behalf.

You can try saying in writing how this is making you feel, why it makes you feel like this and what you need out of this. You can also say how aswell school is making you feel. That you struggle with communicating.

This is an idea as the school will be aware of it and they can support you more. They can try changing the way how you learn so it makes it better for you.

Have you ever spoken to an autism specialist? Like a therapist? That might be something to consider doing out of school hours. They will have more of an idea what its like, give you that control back in your life to fulfill your needs.

That I feel might be the right direction for you to head in. Seek further help from the support your already getting.

I know you mentioned already about your communication skills. Have you thought about taking up a hobby or interest to see whether that will help? You will find it will build your confidence, self esteem and give you more of a direction what you wanna do in life. What do you think?

Please do keep reaching out but remember your no different to anyone else and your journey is just being.

Hope that helps x