New member, not spoken before..

[garhah91]

I haven't felt right in myself now for the past 4 -5 years, and it feels like during this time everything seems to go wrong when I try to make a more positive change. It started when I was in University, as I didn't want to be there but also didn't want to let my family down by leaving, and the strain of it started putting pressure on my relationship of the time. About 2 and a half years ago, my girlfriend left me for someone else and how I was feeling just got so much worse, and I haven't been able to get back from there. From this point, I began to struggle to do my job and ended up getting fired, I wasn't able to eat or sleep, and I found myself becoming very irritable towards everyone around me and often had to remove myself from any social situations as I was having very violent thoughts towards people for no apparent reason. As time went on, I couldn't see any improvements in how I was feeling, despite regularly trying to see friends, become more active, go to the gym, etc. I have visited my doctor in the past who put me on anti-depressants but I felt like they weren't working and felt that my doctor and people around me were judging me for being weak and needing this sort of help so I stopped after a few months. This was at my lowest point, during last year, where I was spending most of my time thinking about how I could end things. I felt generally very low and unmotivated in life, and pinned all of this on my ex whereas I do think there is probably more behind it, largely the fact that as I've grown older I have struggled more and more with the death of my dad when I was a child. But I still hold a lot of resentment towards my ex, and feel so alone as all of my friends have now got partners and don't include me anymore. My family are all busy and don't seem to find time for me. I feel like I have no one left to turn to. I had recently thought things may be improving, I still felt very down at times, but I'd met someone and was seeing her for several months and it felt like I was happy, with her, for the first time since I began struggling. She then had called me to say she has met someone else and doesn't want anything more to do with me, giving no reason or any indication before this that anything was wrong. Since then, I feel like I have hit the lowest point again. I can't focus on anything, I am struggling to sleep but I'm almost always tired. I have become somewhat dependent on alcohol and become very restless and irritable if I can't have a drink. I have gotten myself into significant debt over recent years and I am really struggling with every aspect of my life, and have been for some time, and being dumped again recently just feels like it has opened up all my old scars and I genuinely don't see a way back anymore. I am constantly feeling angry and hurt by everyone around me as no one seems to care at all. But mostly, I am angry towards myself. I hate myself more than I can imagine anyone has hated anything - I know that I am fat, ugly, nasty, miserable, obsessive, insecure, and have no money - I just don't know what to do to change any of it and I spend all of my time comparing myself to everyone around me and fuelling my self-hate even more. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be comfortable in myself and happy, but I think that at the moment the only way I, or my closest family and friends, will be happy is if I weren't here any longer, but I can't find the courage to do anything about it, and I still hope that maybe there is a way to fix things. I don't know if this is the sort of thing I should post, but I wanted to finally be able to admit how I feel somehow.

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi garhah91, welcome to the forums. Nice to see that you have introduced yourself to everyone.

I have so much much sympathy for you. It maybe the fact that what your going through, I'm going through the exact same story. Just hearing this from someone else who has been going through the same things as me makes life they less lonely.

I can see from when you started university that you were feeling low and emotional so you have always known from then you have been feeling like this. I can understand that it may have become worse from all the other stuff what's happened.

You see to have suffered alot from just in a short space of time. It's hard to see where it all went wrong. We just don't know where it went wrong.

There is still alot of unresolved issues still what need looking in to and monitored with. It starts with going back to the place where it all began and asking yourself what went wrong to make this all come about. Try reflecting each point of the matter first.

When you do feel that you have changed the order of the process from what it was before then maybe going down the route of talking to a stranger might give you the confidence and path needed get your life back in control finding ways to deal with your struggles.

It starts with underlining the issue then talking first whoever you feel comfortable with. It's always a good idea to be signed up with a doctor who you can see on regular days to give you that extra support if you needed further help and get someone to be there for you with on going support.

For me, when I started receiving profdesional help it made me open up to what I didn't see. It made things more clearer but difficult to come to terms with. It was continuing with the support and getting through it. After that it was referring myself back to the doctor and going with the help provided to do this alone. This did start with talking to someone. Things did get better and they have done. I know going down the route talking to a professional is hard but if you find it helps go with it. If not, don't give up with the problem. It will only make things worse. It's all about asking for help.

I also have found that self help books can really help. Not just with finding solutions, thinking more positive and staying in touch with people but it's about the way you think and feel to different things. That's what makes the difference. It helps you to challenge yourself at your must lowest. I don't know whether reading is something you do but I find it helps me.

You just got to try things for ways which will help you cope when your at your lowest moments. If you enjoy something why not take it up and make that as a coping mechanism or a hobby. It's these good helpful tips what makes the impossible, possible.

Therefore would say to please take time out without anyone there to distract you and think back to where it all started. How you felt? What made you feel the way you do etc. Will make you feel more confident, I promise.

Your find taking a step each day will get you to feel like you were stopping yourself to achieve what you wanted out of life.

I really hope this has helped you and I'm so glad you have found this website.

Please do keep in touch.

Take Care

Helloraspberries1 x

[nppc197]

I can relate to many of the ways you're feeling. I'm far from an expert on overcoming the struggles people face in life, but one thing is for sure, and it's that I, myself, am dealing with social disconnection as well, being misunderstood and all.

I'm not quite 20 years old as of now, and haven't yet brought myself up to seeking employment, or getting out of my parents house. Sort of embarrassing to admit (Though 'embarrassing' is a fairly strong word), since others my age are moving on. But that's part of the reason why I feel so closed off from society. Expressing how you truly feel to someone you trust to be supportive can be the first step to powerful changes. I have, and still do fall victim to being over-concerned about being selfish. I don't know if that applies to you, but if so, don't let it. If anything, the people who underestimate your problems are the ones who are paying more mind to themselves.

If a more active lifestyle is a difficult change to make (That's one thing I have problems with doing consistently), start with the things that are easier. Simple changes could have surprising results, and give you the confidence to make bigger ones. If you're on a strict daily routine, make it more flexible wherever possible.

I don't mean to reiterate anything Helloraspberries1 already said, but professionals are always an option. About a year and a half ago, give or take a few months, there was a counselor I visited who was very understanding, but I made the mistake of not really heeding his advice, and giving up on it. We can be our own enemy sometimes, and for me it's in the form of not accepting what others have to offer.

I don't know for sure how helpful all these statements are, perhaps some more than others, but you've made the right decision to come to this website, and hopefully knowing that you're not alone in the stress you're dealing with helps to alleviate it.