Fragile butterfly

[Shellyann]

Have you ever loved someone to the point of no return? I've given all that I am, and ever could be to a man who has abused me sexually, physically, emotionally, and verbally. I've been battling depression for quite some time now, and it's at a point where crying does not help much. All I ever wanted was to be happy and give of myself knowing that I was that supportive, understanding person that he needed. He is an ex gang member, ex con, and ex drug dealer, and pretty much had his childhood robbed at an early age due to being in the streets. I just wanted to be something positive in his life, and someone to give him hope. In the beginning, we talked daily on the phone, and then he began to write to me. Some of the most beautiful words you would ever read coming from a man harden by prison, and other factors. I was truly smitten by his words of choice to describe what I met to him, and even more fascinated that he was unafraid to say he "loved me". I opened up to him by sharing my home, transportation, food, money, and even gave him my cell phone when he lost his own. Again, I wanted to be a positive reinforcement in his life, but he slowly began to negatively impact mine. Trust has always been an issue with him, because of cheating girlfriends or male friends who he felt betrayed him. I would listen to him talk about how it made him cold hearted and how he never cared to be close to anyone. Hearing this, I still wanted to be with him thinking that I was different from the rest, and would show my loyalty to him. I will never forget the night he violated my trust. I was dreaming but felt an invasion of my body and woke up just as he removed himself from me. I'm trying to be as non explicit as I can...in other words he raped me in my sleep. Mind you we were having consensual intercourse so I couldn't understand the move he made while I was asleep. I was livid to say the least, and even as I cleaned up in the bathroom he denied that he did anything to me. Was this a clear case for the police? I felt ashamed and horrified to admit to anyone, because I considered him to be my man. By this time, I had given him the ok to stay with me, and we were building a relationship. I will never forget the look on his face as I screamed "why did you do this to me?" and to my amazement the answer was "I didn't do anything".

The humiliation from that incident has stuck with me for some time now, and is also part of my depression. I trusted him and in return he violated me the first chance he got. I must be made out of steel? Sometimes, I feel that my skin is heavy, but I've always been fragile. I'm beautiful to myself on most days, but I feel ugly inside, and it hurts beyond words can describe. Long story short, I married this man, and believe it or not in the first week he violently attacked me. We never had a honeymoon, and after I became his wife, he became physical with me. A disagreement turned into a physical brawl of him pushing me hard against the walls, pushing me hard on the bed which hurt my neck, and then he choked me. Even as I screamed for my neighbors to help me he wouldn't stop hurting me, and I threaten to call the police he bluffed me...so I did. I called 911, and asked him to leave which he refused. To my surprise, when they arrived I held my mouth about the fight, and told them I only wanted him to leave. When the police ran his ID, we were told that there were warrants for his arrest! They placed him in handcuffs and I was hysterical. I cried and pleaded for them "not" to take him, and that I only wanted him to leave the apartment. The officer looked at me perplexed and said " is there something else going on here?". I would not add to what he was going through and, said no clearly hiding the domestic violence situation. We had only been married one week, and yet he stayed in jail a whole month and two weeks. I should have taken the hint, but probably before this incident. There is so much more that I could share, but I would have to call in from work just to tell it all. In the current day, we are apart. Again, due to his past, I was unable to add him on a lease, and now it's come to light that he was here. Once again, I've risk myself and my integrity to come to his aide, and just tonight he told me "at least your not homeless, and I know who my real friends are" that cut me deeper than any knife would have. After all that I've sacrificed, risked, and protected him ..there is no appreciation or gratitude..only resentment, bitterness, and I'm to blame..I'm beyond depressed and I definitely know that I was his best fool yet. I wonder if anyone can relate to me? I wonder if anyone is as fragile or broken as I feel? I wonder...

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi Shellyann,

I'm really sorry with what you want through. Can't imagine what it must be like to live that. You are so brave.

Being Depressed does have a huge impact on your life and alot of people feel there's no hope or survival in reviewing but I do believe there is.

If you want to get help and make a change then your on your way to recovery. It's all about making the first step. We all need different help in different ways. There's options out there.

The most important thing is to never give up and if you feel lonely anytime it's always good to talk. That way your not alone.

I understand how it must feel living life not getting anywhere. Everything just remains the same and you have no hope. Everyone has ups and downs and goes through hard times but giving up isn't the answer.

I hope your be able to reach out soon.

Please remember were here x

[Shellyann]

thank you so much...It mean a lot to have an outlet now...I find therapy in writing and sharing my feelings that have been bottled up inside of me for so long... and I find comfort knowing that I can get help and there is plenty of support for me along the way...thank you for your words of encouragement..my healing process doesn't seem so far out of reach now.. I'm ready to begin..