This Is Me

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Caitybee
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2016 7:59 pm
Location: Canada

This Is Me

Postby Caitybee » Sun Aug 21, 2016 8:43 pm

Hello,

I'd like to start out introducing myself. My name is Caity, I'm a 23 year old woman from Southern Ontario, Canada. While I do understand my life probably hasn't been as hard as others here on this site, I still feel a tremendous amount of pain nearly every single day, and it runs off triggers. I could be fine one moment, then hear something or think of something and completely change moods.

I'm not proud of myself, never really have been and it just seems like now nobody truly cares how I feel anymore. My family is rude to me, they brush off my pain as me just "acting out". This has caused me to become angrier with them, and several occasions I've had to hold myself back from attacking my mother physically. Saddest part I never use to be this bad, I was a very happy child and things were ok. Until I turned 8 that is...my mom and dad split up and she kicked him out of the house for good. Until I was 12 I only saw him once a week during weekends.

I moved from Toronto to the "rear end of Canada" known as Windsor when I was 12 years old. My dad couldn't follow us, so these past 11 years I've only been able to see my dad 3-5 times per year. Each time he can only stay for 3 days at a time due to work. Despite my siblings and I all being over the age of 18 he still pays my mother to keep the roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I actually begged him to stop paying my mom so she could feel a taste of suffering like I feel.

I've broken down twice in front of my mother, not once did she see that as a warning to get me some help and try to understand how I feel. Since I can't get through to her thick skull, I have given up all attempts to get help at all.

Going back a bit to 2012, this is when majority of my depression really started to grow on me. I met this guy on an online game. We were quite a few years apart in age, but he seemed to genuinely like me and I stupidly went along with everything he ever said. I was with him from January until February. Then that's when everything started to fall apart for me. The night of my birthday, which is February 24th, he decided to ignore me the entire day, and forgot all about my big day. I found out from a friend that he had been seeing someone else for about a week and was waiting for the right time to cut me loose.

I was utterly devastated and destroyed having heard this from someone other than him. Instead of letting me down easy, he didn't care enough to keep my feelings from being ripped apart. For 3 weeks after that I refused to eat, slept maybe 2 hours a day, and I developed a cold during that time. I got sick because of him, the heartbreak was unbearable. To make matters worse, the woman he left me for got all her friends to gang up on me and constantly harass and tease me. I couldn't take any of it, my life was upside-down all because of some selfish fool who figured I wasn't good enough for his time or effort.

At the very end of March I attempted suicide. Long story short I ended up in the hospital needing my stomach pumped from what I had attempted to do. I failed, only by a hair. That was all when I was 19 years old. Fast-forward to today, I'm now 23 years old and I have a boyfriend who loves me and goes out of his way to come see me twice a week by taking the bus for over 2 hours.

Although it seems my life has gotten together, I still fight with my mother, my brother, and my sister. All of them blame me for things I never did, and try to make me sound like a mental case when I have days where I just can't stay emotionally stable. My depression is very much alive and ruining my mental health. Now I suffer from not being able to find work no matter how many places I apply to. It kills me I can't support myself or my boyfriend to finally find a place to live and start living a life.

I want to have kids some day, but I'm already 23 years old and I just don't think that'll be possible now. Unless I can afford them, I will not be having any kids in my lifetime. Main reason I say this, it would be beyond stupid to bring a child into this world if I cannot afford to take care of it. I see all these teenage moms taking advantage of our systems and having 3+ kids before they turn 20. Most of them are on welfare and never bother to look for a job.

The only thing that keeps my depression back are seeing my boyfriend, rock music - specific artists though, and Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Sounds very stupid that I bring up such a random interest but I idolize Anakin Skywalker. His suffering, being emotionally torn, and not sure what to do or who to ask for help is EXACTLY what I go through every single day. I only get peace when I'm asleep, and even then my dreams sometimes make me ask "why?".

I apologize for such a huge post, but this is me in a nutshell dealing with my depression, and why I'm the way I am now. Nobody should ever experience depression, it's worse than getting stabbed with a knife. Which I would gladly take over the mental abuse that is my depression and anxiety.

I joined this forum in hopes to find someone to talk to about my issues, and maybe make new friends since I don't have a single friend in real life. Hope all of you are doing better than I am, and thanks for taking the time to read my story.

- Caity

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