How Much Longer?

[GlassHeart]

Unlike many people who have written their stories here, I have much less to go on. I have never been in a romantic relationship that lasted more than a couple of months. Until recently I hadn't wanted to be in one for over 9 years. When I found someone I liked it failed and I blame myself. I have no children. I cannot hold a job. Since January 2016 I have held 3 jobs. Two I quit due to workplace bullying. One I left due to a serious illness which took me months to recover. I grew up disadvantaged in a violent, broken home.
I could not afford to stay in college. It's near impossible to find a job that pays enough for the costs of living on my own.
I have lost jobs due to co-workers stigmatizing my illness (depression) and mistreating me, spreading rumors, bullying, etc.
I cannot live with this stigma. It is dehumanizing.
I have no family other than my parents to speak of.
I was displaced after my father lost my childhood home to a fire. He moved in with my mother who is from a very small town. My home town is a big city. I eventually moved when my health declined - I got better but could not find work that paid anything. I have been unemployed since my employer became ill and let me go before he died in 2014.
I was turned down for disability/SSI and live in poverty. I have tried to return to my home city and have repeatedly failed.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I thought I was stronger than this but I feel like I am losing it, and I am tired of being unloved and alone, even though I am a fairly attractive person. I am getting older (mid 40s) and my body is changing.
Since I have a health condition (hypertension) I am at high risk for heart attack or stroke. I was hoping I could make my life better on my own and get out of this hole. I don't think I will ever find love before I die. All I want is to find meaningful work and go home where I came from before it's too late.
_____________________________________________________________
UPDATE:
I managed to get in to see a counselor and feel better somewhat. I have learned a lot by reading other people's posts here - especially those who are far more privileged than I. I know my post makes me sound like a whiny drama queen feeling sorry for herself. I don't think broadcasting my problems to the world is going to help my situation any. Thanks for letting me vent. Best wishes to all!

[100footpole]

All we can do is listen,

A lot of what I write are things I've internalized by reading books and going to therapy.

Please share any ideas you have for why this happened:

I managed to get in to see a counselor and feel better somewhat.

When I read your post I thought "Change is so hard and so painful." But it sounds like you are trying, which is all we can really do. Please write more. I like the things you've said to other people. And when I say that I hear a voice in my head say "Talk is cheap.", I answer myself that there is no price for truth.

[windsong]

Hi GlassHeart

I know in your post you said you don't think you will ever find love but I honestly believe that people find love at all stages and walks in their life. Maybe not as soon as we want it to but it's never too late.

My grandma lost my grandpa after many years together, she's in her 70's or 80s now and recently found someone else that she loves deeply. So don't give up on finding love.

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much with your health, hopefully if you are on meds that can help. And there might be some low income places you might qualify for as far as living somewhere goes.

Glad counseling is making you feel somewhat better. Keep at it, I find its important to realize we didn't get this way over night so it takes a while to get better.

[GlassHeart]

Thank you for your replies. I will look up the book by Gordon Livingston (thanks 100footpole). I do want help and am attempting to improve my life after a series of setbacks.
I have never been in a long-term relationship, which is different than someone my age who is widowed or divorced. 10 years ago I was betrayed by someone I trusted, who talked about love and marriage but was horribly dishonest. After I left him I moved to this small town and did not date anyone.
I have a fear of rejection and abandonment.
Earlier this year I met someone I really liked, and he had talked about future plans, but I was still very insecure. After I let myself become emotional and jealous one time in a conversation, he turned his back on me.
I don't know if he has a fear of intimacy. But it seems what has occurred is a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, for me at least.
We used to talk more than every day, and I enjoyed the attention though I did not know what to make of it at first. I had not dated at all in 9 years. I was scared.
I tried to explain it once in a message to him after that aforementioned conversation put a damper on the frequency of our communications - but it was not enough to repair the friendship, even though I saw him a few times afterward when I went back to the city he lives in on business.
Last time I saw him he was so cold. Then our communications have tapered off to nearly nothing, he never calls anymore and does not always respond to my messages which are far less frequent.
When I met him he seemed fragile and sensitive himself and we both provided each other with emotional support and encouragement.
I have to assume he is either no longer in need of that or has found someone else to fill that place.
It hurts. It hurts like hell. Part of me wants to find someone else who will accept me and the love I have to give. Another wants to shut off the idea of ever loving anyone again - like I did after being betrayed 10 years ago.
I am sure he has moved on and I want to, too. I wish I could find someone who could fill the vacancy he left because I live in a small town where I am isolated and have little in common with the locals.
He mentioned once in a message last month I could get in touch once I get settled again in the city, but I don't have much reason to hope. I have been on casual dinner dates with other people in the last 2 months but nothing materialized. I think part of my sadness stems from being alone and in a town where I know I don't belong.
I wish I could contact him but I won't. Even though by now I have nothing to lose.
I would appreciate some advice. Getting over it has not been easy, but I think it is time to.
Thanks.

[100footpole]

Believe me I get your fear!

In one sense things are going OK for me ... I've been doing more, talking to people etc. On the other hand I notice that I've really kicked up my smoking, doing those things that make me feel productive also cause me anxiety. Much of that anxiety goes unstated. I often feel:

fragile and sensitive ... and it is easy to provide some emotional support and encouragement ... but things always do seem to get complicated or confused.

I often end up feeling like this too:

I have to assume he is either no longer in need of that or has found someone else to fill that place.

Where I don't know what the other person is thinking.

The traditional therapist question is what is the worse that could happen if you called him and asked him what he felt was going on.

People like us need a safe space where we can vent and discuss. Let me know if you have any ideas on where to find one of those ... I've often thought of joining an anonymous group just to get that feeling. But then, I think the anonymous group would just make things more complicated too ...

[GlassHeart]

Thanks for your reply.
I am trying to get past what I feel is rejection on his part. I deleted his number from one of my phones. I am afraid to call him because I probably won't like the response, though I am certain I won't get one at all. I can't be sure if he might have blocked me though I don't contact him often.

The pain I have felt from his rejection makes me wish I had never met him. But I did take away a very valuable learning experience from this. I realize my mistakes and hope to never make them again should I ever allow myself to feel for someone again. I almost hope to save myself from this kind of pain by refusing to take the risk.
I know what changed in me to want to seek love is the fact I am getting older and my body and appearance are changing. I didn't like the idea of being alone forever, and the cost of living is so expensive I felt I will not be able to make it on my own, and would rather share a place with someone I cared about.
The fact he never contacts me anymore on his own indicates he has shut me out and moved on. I wish I could have done so as easily as he did.
I regret that after years of being alone due to past hurts, I let my guard down and allowed myself to have feelings for him.
Right now I wish I could send him an e-mail and say some really mean things to him, but I won't, since he probably will never read it anyway. I don't see any point in leaving the door open anymore and I think it's way past time I slam it and move on, exactly as he has done.

Right now I am looking for one of those "Eureka" moments in which I might find a career opportunity or some other personal breakthrough. I am trying to get myself up and out despite inclement weather and visit the gym. Don't know whether I will make it today, but it helps some while I am there.

[100footpole]

Hi GlassHeart,

I so understand this:

. I almost hope to save myself from this kind of pain by refusing to take the risk.
I know what changed in me to want to seek love is the fact I am getting older and my body and appearance are changing.

The thing I am working on is liking myself. Since my its summer my anti-anxiety, anti-depressants seem to be working better. What I am trying to do is not judge. I've been thinking about "To make a friend, you have to be a friend." There is a difference between accepting and judging.

I've noticed that I am talking to more people, and cycling back to make things in my existing relationships better. I have been estranged from my son for 7 years or more, I am thinking how I can get that relationship back on track.

I have a friend who is interviewing for a job. We discussed how to handle the question "What didn't you like about your last job?" We decided the best answer is to pick an embarassing, but harmless situation and then say how you used that situation to learn a better way of handling something difficult.

Your description of how you feel about your old boyfriend is a lot like how my friend feels about his last job. Hurt, but smarter.

Please keep writing, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain, but it also sounds like you are healing.

[GlassHeart]

Thanks for your reply.
I am in a horrible amount of emotional pain.
Spring and summer seem to be worse seasons for my depression.
I try to be outgoing and reach out to people. I meet people and call them, but they have such busy lives or they sense that mine is so messed up, they don't respond to me. I am always extending myself, offering to help or go out for coffee. They tell me they will get back to me but never do.
My father likes that saying, "to have a friend, you have to be a friend." Well, I have taken that to heart. I have called people I hadn't heard from in a while, or new people, trying to reach out and "be a friend." Sometimes I have even overextended myself or been a doormat hoping someone would like me.
That saying might be appropriate for some people, but not so much in my case. I am loyal, trustworthy, empathetic, generous, and kind to a fault.
I had dinner with someone I met recently. He insisted the entire conversation revolve around his politics. I find his politics abhorrent and I want nothing to do with him. I was willing to give a guy I have nothing in common with a chance, just because there are so few single people in the tiny little town I live in. I am not going to get mixed up with a violent bigot. But I will not discriminate based on trivial matters like lifestyle or looks.
I feel so hopeless now because there are so few jobs available. I might be able to move soon, but my father had to put the lease in his name because I don't qualify for income requirements. If management finds out this apartment is not for him to live in, I will probably lose the apartment.
I lost the person I loved probably because of my emotions and insecurity. And because I don't have a job or anything much going for me. I felt I was not good enough for him, and at this point I don't see any reason to try finding someone else.
If I don't get the apartment I am not going to stay around any longer. I can't take it.
I am tired and I am sick. After I pay the guy for the landscaping I am going to have a bottle of wine and go to bed like I did yesterday. I broke my diet and ate a bunch of junk food. I haven't been back to the gym. I don't see any point anymore in trying to make myself pretty. I just can't stand this much longer.

Hopefully you might be able to have a relationship with your son at some point. If talking with others or a counselor helps, keep at it. I'm sorry I cannot relate to having a child, but I was estranged by my father as an adolescent when my mother took me away from home. It hurts a lot.

I have learned over the years, that no matter how much we want it, we cannot make someone love us. No matter what we do. I've had to give up on trying when I realize something is a lost cause.
As far as the man I fell in love with is concerned - I wish I had never met him!!! I know it was a valuable learning experience for me. But I don't take rejection well. I can barely stand it! The emptiness, compounded with all my other problems I deal with day to day.
I wish there were some magic formula to make the pain go away. It took me many years to get over a betrayal by someone who I thought loved me. When I thought I was ready to allow someone in my life again, I get hurt and rejected - AGAIN! I know time is the only thing that heals. It's just that for me it takes so very long. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I have good and bad days but there is no way I am going to be committed or check myself into a loony bin. No way.

[Grace992]

Hi Glassheart, i'm sorry to hear about the difficult childhood you endured and the difficulty you're facing now. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My faith in Jesus got me through similar circumstances. There's a verse in the Bible that I hold onto: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Thoughts and prayers!

[GlassHeart]

"Grace" - That's really nice that you haven't lost your faith in Jesus or whatever. I assume you live in the United States where evangelical fervor is strong. I respect your right to practice whatever religion you want to. It is a free country. I would say the same if you were Muslim, Hindu, etc.
While it appears that you mean well, I did not join this forum to be proselytized to, though I guess that was inevitable. I have real world problems that religion is not going to solve. You probably assume that I hate all Christians (a typical response) or that I am intolerant. Horsefeathers! I do not go on here espousing my views on politics and religion to everyone who has similar problems.
Religion is a private matter involving me, only.
I know there are some Christians who feel persecuted whenever someone confronts them about their proselytizing. I am not persecuting you. You have your right to you opinion and beliefs.
But the fact you try to proselytize to me makes me uncomfortable in using this forum, which I had been finding very useful, and hope to continue to do so.
I would NEVER tell anyone what they should believe! I am not telling you your religion is wrong. Just that as an individual, I don't want someone telling me their dogma or belief is going to solve my problems. That is nice that it works for you but it does not work for everyone. Please respect that! I am sure there are depression forums associated with religious groups you can utilize were most everyone feels the way you do. It seems so far I am the only one you have done this to. Maybe other people will welcome it. I do not.

[__d]

Hello GlassHeart

I can relate to much of what you shared. I have been suffering loneliness for a long time and it has driven me into depression and though I have friends, they make it clear they want to be just friends. I don't know how to get out of this void, and I am losing energy to try. So I completely understand your despair, but - and I know it is easier said than done - please do not give in. l honestly don't even know if there is a way at all, but I really don't want to see someone like myself break. You have surely learned one rule by now: if we give in, we only go deeper down.

If it does any help, I say (and mean it) if I was in your town I would like to meet you for a chat and coffee. Or brunch. Or dinner

Please take good care of yourself, and please keep sharing.

[GlassHeart]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am in the middle of trying to move, so my nerves are shot.
When I was in my twenties, I was depressed a whole lot. I really wanted to be in a relationship but I guess I was going about it the wrong way. Men I liked did not like me, and those who liked me I could not stand. It has always been this way. In my twenties the loneliness hurt me terribly. Then in my thirties I got accustomed to the idea of being alone. I enjoyed my freedom. I did not want to invest the time and effort in a relationship at that time.
After I moved from the big city to a small town, I accepted the fact that single men are very rare here and I did not date anyone for the nine years I have been living here. Besides, it's a little country town where most everyone has let themselves go (unattractive to the extreme!), and I have very little in common with them culturally. I was very content with being alone. I had no social life in this backwater, there wasn't anything to do anyway. I managed to live alone for all this time and cope because of all this. And because my overbearing mentally ill parents who won't allow me any privacy, though we do not live together (we would have killed each other had that been the case).
So I was fine being alone, staying in my house with my books and my computers eating junk food.
Because of my exigent situation, I have been terrified of becoming street homeless. My parents are in their mid-eighties, they won't be around much longer to help me. So I decided I would like to start dating again (most of the people I met this year were in my home city). I met someone early this year who I fell in love with. Though we had a good momentum at first, everything changed. Now I am back where I started.
I went out to town one evening and felt even more alone as I walked around and visited several shops and restaurants (I only bought coffee and ice cream). The wait staff were pleasant enough, but the only other people who spoke to me at all the entire time I was out were the winos and panhandlers on the street! I wish they knew that I might end up like them one day, and I have no money to spare. Anyway, I called my best friend from home, crying. I have never felt so alone in my life!
This is a very poor little town and jobs are sparse. Most people living here are miserable and you can tell by the way they look.
I have found it is more difficult to accept my situation when I am fighting loneliness and trying to find a companion. I wish I could go back to accepting being alone like I used to, but I just am not content to stay in eating junk food and getting fat.
The man I fell in love with won't call me and it's extremely rare we communicate at all anymore. It's been difficult to accept his rejection. Last night I drank myself to sleep. Now I have to handle a move and attempt to drive a truck too big for me (the truck company fouled up) and I am stressed. If for some reason this move does not work out, like so many things this year have fallen through, I don't know what I will do.
Again, thank you for your being able to relate, and your kind words. It really means a lot because in my isolated situation, I have never felt more alone. I have been unable to see a counselor due to scheduling conflicts and the fact the counselor has not bothered to show up for work (my appointment was cancelled several times already this week).
-I wish you the best.-

[__d]

I hope things go well with the moving and the appointments. GlassHeart I am no expert and myself am negotiating with suicidal thoughts so my opinion may not be credible, but here are a few thoughts you could think about:
1. If I were on a date with you yesterday (well yes I imagined it ) I would have preferred to see you more confident and less depressed obviously, and I would also have preferred to know that your main motivation is to connect with me, rather than to ease the difficulties of future life. (I would still have hoped for a second night out with you though )
2. I like to see that you believe that you deserve a good life. We have heard and read it before: we should like ourselves before others can like us. Think about things that you like in yourself; things that you define yourself with; things that you find worth standing up for again. From your previous posts I can tell that your intellectual freedom is one thing you are ready to stand up for, and I like that. Do you like that too? You know whatever it is, it is inside yourself. Do you like yourself too
3. To me it is a good sign that you found emotional motivation in your previous encounter. GlassHeart that means your emotional desire is alive, please don't suppress it by accepting that your fate is loneliness.
4. Are you considering making some money and moving to a big city?

Thank you for sharing more of yourself, and thank you for your heartwarming comments. You are not alone GlassHeart. Some people are thinking about you one way or another.

Take good care and update us.

[GlassHeart]

D., thank you for your heartfelt response. Those were some very good points to think over. I have been very busy and am exhausted. I will write some more later when I get back to my new home. I managed to drive the big moving van across state, and though arrival in the city coincided with rush hour traffic, I did just fine. My father accompanied me. I went without sleep for two days.
I spoke by phone with my former friend briefly last week, but nothing was accomplished, so yesterday I sent him a text basically saying I am through - because he never calls me anymore and has obviously moved on. (He has not responded, and I have to accept that.) There were times when he said things to give me a tiny amount of hope, but then he would never contact me. So I have to move on. After the first night in my new apartment, with the dawning of the new day I ceased to care anymore. It still hurts, but not as much. I just want to walk away and start anew. I almost wish I could turn cold and not allow myself to ever love someone again, but that is not what I want. I will have to face a long time alone before I will find someone to take up that space again. But I will try to enjoy my freedom and not worry about it so much.
Hopefully I can get a job soon and make new friends. I will be busy with unpacking and job hunting this week. So I have something to keep me occupied.
I am sorry to hear you are having suicidal thoughts as well. I would like to hear what you have to say about this.
I appreciate your advice and giving me something to think about. There are things I like about myself. I am working on increasing my self-esteem and image, and personal growth. Right now I am in need of a nap before I make the 5 hour drive back to my new home.
I hope all is well with you. Best wishes.

[GlassHeart]

Update:
As I am getting settled in my new place and looking for work, I am trying not to concentrate on the things that have been making me sad. I still miss the person I fell in love with, but I realize that friendship was dead a long time ago.
When I began considering dating it was not so much about housing needs and security but having someone to care about and share mutual interests. But the possibility of homeless was a factor, and there still is a chance that could happen one day.
I am an affectionate and attentive person, and perhaps I have a lot to offer someone, but I have very little experience in relationships. At this time, after feeling so heartbroken by this person who rejected me, I cannot say whether I want to be in a relationship with anyone - it just depends on the person I have yet to meet and the circumstances. When I was younger I was told that I was not attractive enough to have a boyfriend - by peers and even my own father. Nowadays I am outgoing, animated and have a warm persona most of the time. But I still am hanging onto old insecurities, and with every rejection I become even more unsure of myself.
For many years I was perfectly comfortable in being alone. All I want to do now is find myself a steady job here in the big city and have the means of supporting myself. I am very fortunate I managed to find affordable housing!
As far as suicidal thoughts are concerned, now that I am out of that backwater s***hole I am not so depressed and isolated. I have some hope there will be new possibilities ahead for me.
Now and then, I know I will feel alone, and I may still weep over the person who broke my heart. He came along at a strange time in my life and I wish I could have been better adjusted when that happened. I still blame myself a lot, but I want to go on and try to make a life for myself now that I am in the city and hope to have a chance, as long as my health holds.
I thank everyone for their advice and concern, and providing some comfort for me in what has been a very dark time in my life. I hope that the darkness lifts soon. For me, and all of you struggling with hardship and depression.