DON'T You Dare Ever Give up !!!

[specter]

And I've been through way too much for someone who's only 25. Taught me a lot about this world. Guess it isn't always a matter of age.

Nothing can take your heart away from you. NOTHING. Your heart is untouchable.

No. You are absolutely wrong about that.

I had my heart stolen from me. I miss her and think about her every single day. She's gone, and has been gone, many days ago, when I had to "cut her out of me" so that she wouldn't have to feel the pain of abuse. It was, by far, the most painful experience of my life. That does happen to people, and I'd appreciate not being invalidated for having that experience.

I'm fine with giving up, but you aren't. Agree to disagree.

[JonsDragonEyes]

I respect any choice/feelings you make/have about your life Specter. After all it is your life. I just hope with all of my heart someday you find happiness and peace of mind. Our hearts aren't untouchable from pain and heartbreak that is true ... but our will to keep fighting I will always believe is untouchable. Its just sometimes we are in so much pain that we can't see that anymore.


My fingers are crossed for you always.


Big , big, big hugs to you

[nenkohai2]

This will sound weird.

Of course, I only speak for myself in this. I believe in reincarnation and in past lives. I believe I have fragments of memories of events from some of those past lives. (That said, I am partially prepared to find out this is all fantasy - I have to remain open to that).

There was a time when I was a soldier, before guns. It was a religious war and I was obligated to fight. I endured many battles. I also slaughtered Innocents in the name of the religion - until something in my soul stopped me. I stood in a field (of battle?); and I was alone. My protective gear - armor - was blood-splattered; my weapon - a sword - wet with fresh blood.

And I was angry. So very rageful and angry. A pope and cardinals that would never sully themselves sent me here to do THIS. I screamed and plunged the sword as deep into the ground as I could. "NO! I WILL NOT DO THIS ANY LONGER!" I raged. But it was also a prayer.

In thinking about the title that Star has given this thread, this returning memory came unbidden to me. I rage against this... stuff... in my head and heart. I am angry. I refuse it. But it is insidious. The trick is, for me, to find its pathways into my mind and heart. I am guarding those entrances as I find them. It works.

[100footpole]

I agree with this 100%:

In thinking about the title that Star has given this thread, this returning memory came unbidden to me. I rage against this... stuff... in my head and heart. I am angry. I refuse it. But it is insidious. The trick is, for me, to find its pathways into my mind and heart. I am guarding those entrances as I find them. It works.

But there are mysteries here too. First, as you point out, we don't know where our "stuff" comes from ... The "stuff" is based on ideas and we really don't know what an "idea" is. Second, Insidious implies the "stuff" is independent of "Me". I tend to believe this ... that ideas are independent processes. For instance to not think about a pink horse all I have to do is fill my mind with a different thought, but when "I" think WHY am I thinking this different thought ... back comes the pink horse. So the pathways are something like ideas about ideas ... and guarding (for me) is to accept these ideas about ideas on faith.

For instance there was the lady who told Bertrand Russel that the universe was stuck on the back of a turtle. Bertrand asked her what the turtle was stuck on ... And she said not so fast, its turtles all the way down.

I think to have hope I need to believe that I have the power to change somethings in a postive way. When we encounter Carl Sagan's "Billions and Billions" then that power can seem so small as not to matter, but that is where I tend to believe "It's turtles all the way down.".

Another example might be I ask myself "What would make me happy right now.", and if I am depressed I think "Nothing possible", but one of my turtles is the idea to try anyway, and to reflect that trying has made a difference in the past, so it will work again.

Nenkohai2, Are there ways " you post guards" that you want to share?

[nenkohai2]

"Meta-cognition." Thoughts about thoughts. And truly, this is the cornerstone of my own mental health work. And I see your point, 100footpole: it is entirely possible to ruminate on what you are thinking about your thinking. But finding and honing that balance is also part of my work.

Helpful techniques? Well, I know a doorway to depression and anxiety when I see it. As example, when I'm having an anxiety/panic attack (characterized by a white-hot flash of panic) I first have to recognize I am panicking and acknowledge the source of the panic. I ask "is the situation calling for panic?" Invariably the answer is "no."

And then I have to put my guard up after that, because I just made my whole (metaphorical) field very fertile with a stick of dynamite which leaves me shaking on the outside and extremely emotionally vulnerable on the inside. I KNOW this is what's going on and the pathway for depression is wide open. By recognizing I am in this state, I can deflect negative mind-chatter. I allow myself the space to recover from the initial panic attack. I must or I will go non-functional. The shaking usually stops in a couple hours and I just give myself simple consideration - like I'd do for a friend who is hurting or upset. All-in-all it make take a day or a few to recover, but I usually do. It was before I could see all this that I DIDN'T recover. At that time, I couldn't be touched without flinching and my mind would exhaust itself on rumination... combined to a very deep depression.

I know this probably isn't a lot of people's experience. But, this is me, ya know? Thanks, 100footpole, for the questions and thoughts.

[100footpole]

I KNOW this is what's going on and the pathway for depression is wide open. By recognizing I am in this state, I can deflect negative mind-chatter. I allow myself the space to recover from the initial panic attack. I must or I will go non-functional. The shaking usually stops in a couple hours and I just give myself simple consideration - like I'd do for a friend who is hurting or upset.

This is how it works for me too.

But you are write when you say: "I know this probably isn't a lot of people's experience." That is certainly the case for people who are just encountering depression. To return to the theme of this thread, Experience enables efficacy. The problem with depression is that it get's you thinking in absolutes. Meta-cognition is an abstraction, for it to work you need to be able to say "this worked out before, it will work out again" ... or as you say, to be able to treat yourself as you would a friend who is hurting or upset.

[e4c2r4a@]

I could say: "Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along", or you just take your time and read http://bigessaywriter.com/blog/impact-of-exercises-on-your-physical-and-mental-health in order to increase awareness and your consciousness level.