About Me

[SoulInDespair]

WARNING: MAJOR TRIGGER ALERT!!!!!!


So here I go with the story of my life. I apologize in advance for its length. It's very hard for me to talk about myself but once the flood gate is open it's hard for me to stop.

Also, I apologize for any repeating of stuff from other posts I've made. I wanted to centralize everything for those who haven't read my other posts.

So let's begin. I was born the youngest of four on a farm in rural America some fifty-one years ago. We were very poor and didn't have much. We were also very isolated since the next nearest farm was two miles away and the next nearest town was elevan miles away.

There was alot of abuse that went on between every member of the household. Both my parents came from families were abuse was very common as it had been for generations before them. The abuse manifested itself in every possible way. Physical. Sexual. Verbal. Psychological and some sodomy with the families male dog.

Being the youngest of four with older siblings ranging in age 11 years older then me to 17 years older. Alot of my abuse was the result of a funnel effect of my older siblings being abused and then in turn abusing me to feel in control of their life. Everyday was a fight for survival for me. Everyday I lived in fear of being killed and I was always on a heighten state of alert. I learned early on how to shutdown and sperate my mind from what was happening to my body.

I felt so alone and frighten and isolated because I couldn't tell anyone about "the secret" going on in my life. The brother who was fifteen years older then me was the one who molested and raped me the most from the age of six or seven to seventeen and a half years old. He was also the one who commited the sodomy on me. I think that one factor alone broke my soul the most. It made feel like soiled goods, something less then human and unfit to be alive. I knew no decent man would want anything to do with a woman who had this happen to her and if anyone else knew the truth they would shrink in horror and disgust from me.

I even disgust myself because as a teen I had such self-loathing and felt so much like I deserved it that I perpetuated the same crime on my person. That was my punishment for not being worthy of my families love. Now I fear there is no redemption for me. That God will not forgive me for my sins on my person and that I'm going to Hell. I'm terrified. I dont' want to suffer for eternaty in Hell fire. I feel I've suffer enough of Hell on Earth I don't want to have to do it after I die.

My family were very cold and emotionally unavailable people. They never showed affection or said "I love you" to one another. Emotions were for the weak and they left you vulnerable to your enemies. But I grew up a very sensitive person who often took everything to heart and so I wore my heart on my sleeve. This seemed to make me a target and everyones victim. I was constatly under attack from all fronts. Home. School. Friends. Students and even some teachers were cruel to me. I got no relief. I was always afriad and in distress. All I wanted to do was hide from this awful world I was born into. Sometimes I could find some temporary escape in tv and books. But my mother would ridicule me for watching to much tv. She'd say the tv was my god and I was praying to it by watching it.

Sometimes, I would try to find a substitute for my lack of love from my family from the farm animals. But as soon as my family figured out that I growing to attached they'd get rid of it. I lost my best childhood friend the same way because my parents grew jeolous of my spending so much time with them. They accused me of liking them better and they were right. I did like them better. They were everything my parents and family werent and it got me away from the abuse at home for awhile. My girlfriends mother was a very kind soul, who was affectionate, giving and loving. She often referred to me as her "other daughter". I could of stayed with them forever because I dreaded having to go back home. Sometimes, I'd even get physically sick around the time my Dad came for me.

After my siblings got married and had kids of their own. They started to abuse their own children. Because my siblings and their spouses had so little regard or respect for me. Their own kids started to see this and would mimick their parents and abuse me also. This hurt a great deal. I had hoped that when they got older that they could be the family I never had with my siblings. But despite all my efforts to be a great and loving aunt I couldn't undo what my siblings had taught my neices and nephews. Now my neices and nephews won't have anything to do with me just like their parents.

Over time, I started to feel hatred and contempt towards my family especally my parents and was glad when they finally died. They were suppose to to protect me from abuse, not let it happen and certainly not participate in it. I soon saw them as weak, pathetic creatures who I fantasized about killing. I never acted on this feeling because I knew they weren't worth going to jail or Hell over.

My parents are long since dead but I still don't trust my siblings or have anything to do with them or they with me. They stole my innocence plus, to add insult to injury they were skimming off of my inheritance. They refuse to take responsibility for what they did to me and accuse me oth being a trouble maker and rocking the boat. I'm happier without them and yet I long to have a "real family". I don't feel I ever had that.

So here I am, fifty-one year old maid with nothing to show for her life. I'm alone and bitter. No one cares if I'm alive or dead and twice I've had to face near death, surgery and a lengthy hospital stay alone. No one to sit at my bedside and comfort me. I've become harden. I can't even find a decent friend who won't betray me or abandon me.

I feel pathetic. I hate myself and I hate people and the world as a whole. I'm tired and depressed and long for the end of my life and my suffering. I get in trouble at work for having a bad attitude, I have such rage inside and for being lazy. But my depression drains me of so much energy I have none to give to my job or to anyone else let myself. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone. My house is a pig pen because I just don't care enough to clean it. So I sleep alot to avoid my life.

Despite my fear of intimacy and distrust of men. I long to be loved by a good man who would accept me as is, who would treat me well and be faithful to me. Someone who I in turn could love with all my heart and soul and shower with affection. If I could find such a decent man I would accept him and never leave him because I would never want to break his heart as mine as been broken countless times before.

So often, I feel like I have a dual personality. One good. One evil. My good side is sweet, sensitive, loving, caring, generous, loyal, considerate and extremely protective of those I love. But my evil side is well, like my family. Cruel. Hateful. Uncaring. self-centered. Neurotic. Paranoid. Control freak. Emotionally unavailable. I hate being like my family. They weren't good people and I so much wanted to be better then them and yet I feel I've failed so miserablely. I've never abused another human being. Although I sense the potential for it in me. I have sadly abused my pets. Someone here posted that they also abused their pets even though they loved them dearly. I can relate. I loved my pets too and always regreted what I did to them. After a point I stopped having pets because it wasn't fair to them to live with someone like me. Fish seem to be the only pets I can tolerate and not abuse. So I shower all my affection on them like they were a cat or dog.

Well that's it. I warned you it would be long. I could say more but I've been crying thru out most of this and I'm emotionally exhausted. It's hard for me to admit some of this stuff and bare my soul. It's hard to even think about and usually I prefer NOT to think about it. Suppose that's not the best way to work thru issues. I've been in therapy several times and I think thats what is known as stuffing your feelings? It's certainly avoidance at the very least anyway. Therapy has never worked for me....& I've had 11 therapists....and the medication my doctor perscribed doesn't work well enough. At this point I'm on four kinds. Welbutrin. Trazadone. Celexa and klanipan. My spelling is bad so you my not recognize these.

[hey-its-ok]

Dear SoulInDespair, i have read another post of yours to DeepBlueSea, and i am sooo touched by your reply. You know, you have really so much depth and warmth and care, your writings take my breath away. However, I have to say that there are a few things that you say about yourself or your situation which i don't necessarily really agree with. Let me point them out to you.

The brother who was fifteen years older then me was the one who molested .... I think that one factor alone broke my soul the most. It made feel like soiled goods, something less then human and unfit to be alive. I knew no decent man would want anything to do with a woman who had this happen to her and if anyone else knew the truth they would shrink in horror and disgust from me.

I have to say that i do not agree with you on this. Many people are raped, it does NOT in anyway make you less human and unfit to be alive. You are NOT soiled. Just because someone has sex with you without your approval doesn't soil you. You have a pure and beautiful heart, and no physical action on you can take that away. Please remember that... Also, who says people who know the truth will shrink in horror and disgust? That is completely untrue! I know the truth now, and i'm not shrinking in horror and disgust, and infact, the opposite is happening, rather than shrinking, it feels like you are a little child that has had a hard time and that you need to be embraced and loved and protected and reassured... Please do not think so negatively yourself, it is completely not true, and it is very damaging to your own self confidence.

I even disgust myself because as a teen I had such self-loathing and felt so much like I deserved it that I perpetuated the same crime on my person. That was my punishment for not being worthy of my families love. Now I fear there is no redemption for me. That God will not forgive me for my sins on my person and that I'm going to Hell. I'm terrified. I dont' want to suffer for eternaty in Hell fire. I feel I've suffer enough of Hell on Earth I don't want to have to do it after I die.

Who says you are not worthy of your family's love? And you are not going to hell... there is ALWAY redemption, God is all forgiving and loving, and you are his daughter! You just have to believe in him, put your life in his hands, have faith, what you are going through may be a test, but you will meet up with him in heaven... you have to know this...

In order to make friends, you have to be a good friend, it takes effort, i know you can do it, you come across as such a warm and caring person, i know that you if just show off your inner self to the world, you will be able to make some good and decent friends...

I get in trouble at work for having a bad attitude... I feel I have nothing to offer anyone.

As i said, open up your heart to the world, and this is enough to offer to the world, that is all you need... use your heart to treat people, try and improve your attitude, if you have a bad attitude, it covers up your inner beautiful heart and nobody can see inside you, they will only see your attitude, and then it will be difficult to make good friends...

I long to be loved by a good man who would accept me as is, who would treat me well and be faithful to me. Someone who I in turn could love with all my heart and soul and shower with affection. If I could find such a decent man I would accept him and never leave him because I would never want to break his heart as mine as been broken countless times before.

Any decent man who reads the above paragraph will just melt... so... open up your heart to the world...

So often, I feel like I have a dual personality. One good. One evil.

Develop your good side... don't pay attention to the evil side... You know... SoulInDespair... there are good people out there, you just have to show your inner self good self, and you will attract them like flowers would attract bees...

[SoulInDespair]

Thank you for your kind words. They truly brought a tear to my eyes. No one not even my past therapists have spoken so well. I always had trouble believing what my therapist said to me because I figured I was paying them to say it. But I'm not paying you to say these beautiful words so I think they mean more and hold more value. Again, Thank You!

However, there is one part I still have a hard time with believing. I know God will forgive me for what my brother did to me....maybe even forgive me for the beastility my brother had me do with the dog....because I was young and cowed and had no control over what he was doing. But it's the other thing. The sodomy/beastality with the family pet that I commited on my person as punishment that I have a hard time believing there is forgiveness for. Let alone a man or others not seeing me as less due to it. I can't get that part of my life out of my thinking and feelings of self-loathing. The weird part is even though I fear going to Hell for it, I think I deserve to go to Hell for it. Can the thinking be a greater crime then the act itself? I've often pondered this. Maybe God can forgive me for it but if I still believe that I don't deserve forgiveness can the belief be strong enough to send me to Hell?

When I was younger, I use to have night terrors about Hell and demons. It was almost like someone was trying to tell me that that was what I had to look forward to because of the abuse. Especally, the other matter of sodomy/beastility. So I don't know what to think. I like to think I wouldn't, at least I pray not but yet again...........

[hey-its-ok]

Dear SoulInDispair, please don't thank me, I did not mean those words i said to be beautiful, but they all came from the bottom of my heart. Yes, i understand that if i was paid for this, it would have meant differently. I truely believe in what i have told you.

You know SoulInDispair... I just find it hard to express in words... but I really, really... really... I KNOW that you are not any less... i just know it... you may have done some actions in the past, but its the past, you are a precious human being, and just some wrong actions in the past does not make you any less of a precious person as anyone else walking on the streets. I don't care what you did with what animal, its the past, and given your circumstances, you are DEFINATELY forgiven by God... hey... if a human can forgive you and let the past be the past, so can God! You can't see yourself clearly because its yourself, you need a third party, someone from the outside to look at the situation and let you know how you should really look at the situation. You will be critical of yourself and you will generate guilt in yourself because you are in the situation and you don't see yourself clearly.

Really... i just wish i can find a word stronger than just saying "really"... but... really... you are NOT any less... I don't see you as any less at all, your situation has caused you to act in certain ways, but that's ok, its the past, let the past stay in the past, its not that bad what you did anyway, learn to forgive yourself. There are people out there that will just see you as a little child that needs love and comfort and warmth and protection and care... i just see your past as a seperate issue, its gone, let it stay gone, don't keep reviving it back to life...

Jesus gave his life up, gave his blood, so that we can be saved from our sins... you don't deserve to go to hell. Thinking is not a greater crime than the act itself, because if it was, we'd all be criminals because inside ourselves, we have all thought of negative and bad things many times in our lives. Let go of negative thoughts, and develop positive thoughts and hold on to them. Negative thought will still arise, but we just learn to let it go... don't hold on to it. You may believe that you don't deserve forgiveness, but its just your believe... I believe that you do deserve forgiveness, and i believe that God also forgives you, so your believe alone can't send you to hell, you can't go to hell if God forgives you. Hell is not up to you to decide to go, but its in God's hands.

You know, i really don't think you have done such bad things, dispite all that you have written. It is ok... what other members of your family forced you to do, or what they did to you, its not your fault at all, there is no need to even feel the need to forgive yourself, and what you did yourself, its not a big deal... really its no big deal... you have to see it in perspective, you have not commited that big a negativity, its ok... you regret, and God will forgive you, that's it, so let it lie in the past and don't let it destroy your present and your future.

Please remember, God don't send you to hell just because other people abuse you, and yes, you may have commited a small sin... but everybody commits sins... God is not going to send everyone to hell, you just need to regret what you did, and have faith in God. Ok? Is that ok SoulInDispair? hey, smile for me

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((( SoulInDespair ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sometimes a hug can say it all. Sending the warmest hug I can your way.

Warmie

[SoulInDespair]

Hey-its-okay....The fact that they came from your heart is what to me was beautiful. No one who I wasn't paying has ever said anything kind or encourging like that to me. That's why I thanked you. I knew you had to mean it.

You're also right about me being like a child who needs certain things from others that I never got at home. I feel half-starved to death like a flower in the desert who hasn't seen any rain in like forever. Sometimes, this need makes me a little clingie and needy. I don't want to be that way just because someone shows me kindness because I know it's the surest way to drive people away. But it's like telling a man dying of thurst that he can only have a little bit of water at time and he ain't allowed to hold the cup.

I'm wondering hey-its-okay if maybe you don't see the value and strength of your own words and what kind of positive affect it may have on someone. Not to turn this into a mutual admiration society but I think you expressed your feelings far better then you think you do. I don't know if I could of relayed my thoughts and feelings as well as you did if I was talking to someone like me. So kudos to you.

Hey, Warmsoul. Thanks. I love hugs. Send more my way.

[sigmund]

i can so relate, and i think i am the person you referred to as admitting abusing animals, sadly i have also abused my kids. i like you feel like i am two people in one, one who craves for loves, trust, protection, a family, normal life etc the other is full of anger, hate, wanting to hurt others before they hurt me. i lost dad before i was 2 and was abused in every way. no the abusers have passed on no one will believe me they think i am speaking ill of the dead. because of this i was not allowed to see my mother for the last 11 years of her life as her sister didn't think i deserved too.
i am still struggling to find me though i have been married for nearly 25 years though i verbally abuse my husband at least once a day.i would seek more councelling perhaps a priest, a GP, health clinic, someone you can trust. and i am disappointed that your siblings abused their children and kept the chain going, though i can't talk as i hit one child and couldn't love another.
i know how you are feeling a conflict amongst yourself, feeling as though even if god forgives you you can't forgive yourself, you feel dirty, an outcast from the world etc.
my heart aches for you as though you are a little older than me we could be sisters for the pain and feelings we share.
i have found guinea pigs help me, if you wish for a family perhaps volunteer at an elderly folks home, offer to talk to people, write letters for them anything of help.
many people have told me i am a beautiful person, and god loves me blah blah blah and i have always thought yeah right.
but now reading your story i know what they said was true, i suggest going into a church, light a candle and pray forgivness and ask for god's help and you are a beautiful person, you are god's daughter and he loves you. when i was growing up i hated god for taking my dad away and for allowing all that happened to me happen. but now i am hoping god can help me through this and i hope he helps you too. bless you and take care

[SoulInDespair]

Dear Sigmond

Yes, I hated God too for allowing what happen to me to happen. I felt he didn't love me. Obviously, I must of deserved it since he didn't stop it.

I'm sure my siblings would accuse me of the same thing of speaking ill of the dead if I told them that our parents abused me. Even though they themselves were abused by them too. Your mothers sister had no right to keep you from your mother. That was wrong of her. Although, I could see my own family doing something very similar.

You spoke of abusing your husband and one child and not loving another. You could be me had I gotten married and had kids. They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and from what I witnessed of my siblings and their families it leaves no doubt that I have the potential to be an abusive person. The rage is certainly there to fuel it. That's why I'm kind of glad I never got married or had kids. But it certainly does make me lonely and longing for all the good things that normal people have. So I'm the last person to judge you for being abusive when I could so easily turn into one myself.

I would like to pass along some insight to you and you probably already know this but I'll say it anyway. As a victim of abuse one of the things I always craved and still crave today is for my family to come to me and admit their wrong doing with me, ask for my forgiveness, promise to never abuse me in the future and to love me the way they should have from the beginning. I'm may not forgive them at first until they regained my trust in them. You can't undo years of abuse and neglect by just saying "I'm sorry" so it would probably take a long time for me. They'd have to work at it. They'd have to keep their word. No backsliding because that'll just undo it all and raise my suspicion that maybe they haven't changed after all and I'm not important enough to them to work to rebuild a relationship. Unfortunately, for me this will never happen because the reality of it is that I'm NOT important enough to them to do any of this. I have tried to accept this fact even though it's hard. Time is running out. My oldest brother is 68. Our parents died at 70 and 71. I think my hope is gone.

If you haven't already done so. I plead with you don't wait till your time runs out. You can't build a better relationship with those close to you if you're already dead. You need to heal and so do they. Only you can decide to take that first step. I wish my family had. Maybe my pain would have healed faster if I had closure with them.

Best wishes and warm thoughts your way. Take care and (((hugs)))

[sigmund]

soul in despair,
it is never too late to heal broken bridges, i have just seen a mental health nurse and she has found i have nu polar where i have anger issues which cause the anxiety which causes the depression.
when my mother died in 2006 our priest told us (hubby lost he dad 4 weeks later) to talk to our parents as though they are here, say how you feel and that you hurt and you bare angry etc. it may sound batty but it does help. with your siblings perhaps write them a letter, telling them of how you feel, that you want to put the past behind you and move on and see if they are willing. if they are you have your family, if they aren't then you know you have tried. if you don't want to write a letter maybe take a friend with you and talk to each of them with a friend for help and support
i know you will never forgive them for the pain and hurt they caused you like i never will but i learnt something today, by carrying all that hurt and anger the only person i was hurting was myself and my husband.
it is NOT easy but i am going to try and let go of that anger and hate and after 43 years try to claim back my life and build it with my husband and try to be the best me i can be.
so i would suggest talking to your parents, pray to god and ask for his help and make contact with your siblings even if they say buggar off, you know you have tried and you could join a group and make friends and good luck to you.
together we can change our lives and who we are, it is NEVER too late to change if you want it bad enough.
we could have been sisters you and i for what we have gone through and are still going through.
i am here if you need to talk and never give in. ask your GP for a psychartric(sp)assessment get the right medication that's right for you and take back your life!
and thank you for your advice. good luck we are all here for you!

[SoulInDespair]

Sigmond

I'm glad to hear your trying to better your situation. Hopefully, you'll have better luck then me. I've been to elevan therapist and been on multitudes of different medications. Nothing has helped. One therapist told me that I didn't want to change and that was why my life wasn't improving any. Maybe she's is right. As I often heard there is no magic pill or wand to take this all away. Only I can decide when I've had enough.

Both my parents are dead so it's to late for me there but I really doubt they'd of understood what they put me through. I guess I'll never know the outcome of such a confrontation. As for my siblings, I did write a letter to my sister who lives in Florida and is elevan years older then me about how I felt. About the abuse and abandonment. About the family as a whole. I poured my heart and soul into that letter. I ended that letter leaving the door open and saying the ball was in her court if she wanted to talk to me and work things out. That was 1994. I've never heard from her and she would of been the easy one to work things out with. My two older brothers are hard assess. To confront them like I confronted my sister would of only lead to blood shed. My blood. I perfer not to be abused again by them for simply wanting to work things out. We were never much of a family to begin with anyway.

So I feel all my hope is gone. I guess I had always hoped when I was younger that I would get married and my husbands family would be my family and make up for the one I lost. Doesn't appear that'll be happening either.