Depression Understood Forums

every day is the same and nothing exciting happens.
i can't get close to anyone anymore. I'm an alien. I'm nobody, I'm like a machine, an awful moody machine that can't stick to anything or do anything, iv never achieved true closeness to anyone.
I'm like a dreary cloud, floating about never doing or saying anything interesting.
i don't have the energy for people or anything anymore, i have no friends. i know people who work with me hate me, i know they all think I'm an strange and an idiot. i get incredibly nervous around groups of people especially happy talkative people I'm so jealous, i can't stand it.

i feel like such a failure. i feel my life has all been a waste, its all been for nothing iv missed out on everything most people get out of life. friends. fun times, an education, a purpose,
my parents don't even call me. i have no energy.
at the moment I'm addicted to youtube and waste a lot of my time on there.
my teens were a bit manic, i tried to get drunk as much as possible and enjoy myself, its the only way i could relate to other teens was through drink and going crazy although i knew these "friends" i had would hate the real me hence why i had to be drunk the whole time. i flunked college 3 times because i couldn't stand to be around people while sober.
my 20's have been horrible, i had some very fleeting happiness at the beginning but i got my heart broken and life has been horrible and boring since then. I'm thinking of going on some anti anxiety meds because i think social anxiety is one of my worst problems at the moment, i hope it also perks me up and gets me interested in things again. i can't stick to anything and i have such a terrible memory. both short and long term memory seem to be pretty bad. iv thought i might have some sort of autism at times because it doesn't matter what i try people never ever take a shine to me. iv grown bitter and resentful of humankind with years of rejection. i am a very kind person but all iv had is people treating me like shit and looking down on me my whole life, its made me a resentful and cynical person, iv sometimes wondered if i have a psychopathic streak as in some ways i don't sympathise at all with peoples pain, in other ways i do sympathise very much.
i get nothing out of life these days, i look forward to death. I'm prepared to try out some meds and just hope for the best that something comes out of it, i don't hold out much hope.
really i wish id never been born. I'm not suicidal but the idea of an eternal sleep at the moment is a great prospect.

My thought for you, Dubliner, is to get to a doctor and a professional psychiatrist. Let them help you. But be prepared to do work towards a better place. Happiness isn't found, in my experience. It's made. Let the professionals help you do that.

Best wishes

n.