Now what?

[Elvee]

It has been literally years since my depression started. At least I can see that now. I couldn't then. I got a divorce 4 years ago from a man I truly loved but that couldn't remain faithful - I was shattered - but I was strong enough then to be the one to walk away. I eventually got a boyfriend - long story short- he didn't take the break up well and wound up stalking me and my daughters. I moved out of town to stop the harassment.

I got a new job making more money to help cover the increased rent. Lost it when I found out they were doing things illegally and my position was "eliminated". I spent 2 months looking for work and had to take a job that didn't pay the bills. I took a second job to make ends meet.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer. I had to drop my second job. I could hardly go to my primary job. I was sick from chemo and testing. My family was thousands of miles away. I didn't have a support network. I withdrew. I couldn't make the bills. I couldn't pick up another job and I couldn't afford to move. I fought cancer and bill collectors silently for 2 years.

No money, no friends, I didn't go out. I languished at home on days I was supposed to work and couldn't face the thought of walking out the door. I ate about once every three days. It was a struggle just to get out the door everyday to go to work to pay the bills. But I knew it wouldn't be enough money and the cycle began and dug itself in.

I thought if I hung in there, I would be ok. I thought if I waited it out, some normalcy would eventually break this horrible cycle. But it hasn't

I have had good news. Finally after 29 months, I am officially "in remission". I have found a man I truly love and trust and he has proposed. My daughter moved in and is helping by providing company and a little money. But I still can't bring myself to go to work everyday. I am enough of myself to know that I will not marry him with outstanding bills hanging over my head.

I haven't sought professional help because frankly I can't afford it. I have trouble keeping the lights on and food in the cupboards. I don't qualify for assistance - I've looked into it. So I've tried to tough it out.

But it's not going away. The dishes stack up. The bills - I don't even want to talk about. The laundry - it's like everything is this mountain to climb and there is no respite. I'm tired. So very drained. And it doesn't look like there is anything in sight that is going to change.

I've been forcing myself to go to work and counting everyday I actually get there as a victory - albeit a small one. Dishes and laundry are the same. I pat myself on the back that I actually get them done.

I know this is long, and I apologize. I am at my wits end. I have been trying to cope for so long and just trudge through it - but its not going away and I don't even know what to ask for anymore. This is the first I've spoken of these things to anyone. I'm ready to admit I am in over my head, now what?

[Emotional_77]

(hugs) It's really awful the life you had to put yourself through, barely making it through everyday. I can only imagine how hard it was for you. Im glad you had finally found someone you love and trust. Keep posting on here.

[hey-its-ok]

Hi Elvee, if you found someone who loves you and you love him, i think he can be a great support for you, life can turn around and he can give you the strength to get you up and out the door to meet your day's challenges...

I'm so happy to hear that your cancer is in remission. I hope you found a kind and loving and understanding man. If he is as i just mentioned, he will help you to go through the day... go search for a better paid job... you need to freshen yourself up and make yourself look appealing (i know chemo can do terrible stuff to your appearance)... go out with a smile and some positive energy... i know you can do it go for it!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((( Elvee )))))))))))))))))))))))

You have had a rough journey, but you are making it.

To have that love from a man, to support you and be there for only you is truly a blessing. Happy that is part of your life.

Please keep posting, keep us update, okay?

Chat room is available if you feel comfortable in doing that. A great place, supportive and caring chatters there.

Warmie