Part one of why I am here

[lamm]

Sorry, it's loooooong.

Back in the fall of '03 my father was diagnosed with cancer. Terminal. I was shattered. I did NOT get along with him throughout my childhood and teenage years. He was an abusive alcoholic, and when I was around sixteen, my mother had had enough, and threw him out. They ended up friends though (actually they still loved each other, but there was too much water under the bridge for my mom, to reconcile). He had been clean and sober for a few years. I had "daddy" again. He was always a quiet man, so to apologise, he footed the bill for my wedding, and since me and my husband couldn't get a mortage, he bought a small house, and we paid him the mortgage. I knew why he was doing it, and it touched me beyond words, and made me sad for him. He only lived one block away, so my husband and I would go for coffee, or dad would come down to our place. I thought it beyond a sick joke, that NOW he was going to be taken away. I remember getting ready for that Christmas. I cried my heart out, and at the same time was amazed. I remember so clearly wanting him dead, when I was young. I never thought I would cry about losing him. Mom was taking it quite hard of course. I remember telling her, after a crying spell, "don't you go for a long time". Like a little girl, though I was 34.

I remember the night of December 20th. After work, she called and asked if I could pick up some Tylenol for her and bring it over, as her back was really sore. This wasn't unusual, she had back problems for many years. So I went to the store and popped over. She was lying on ice, very sore, but in good spirits. We chatted for a wee bit, and I said I would give her a call when me and hubby got back from Christmas shopping. Gave her a kiss, and out the door. It was shortly after 11pm, when my husband and I returned from shopping. I popped some garbage in the microwave, and started to have a very late dinner. The phone rang. My husband answered. He was on less than a minute, hung up, and put on his coat. I asked what was up. He said that was your mom. She is really not feeling well, and doesn't want to be alone. I shot up, put on my coat and joined him. THIS WAS NOT MOM! Luckily, Mom was only a block and a half away, so in the car, we got there in a couple of minutes. I raced up the stairs. She was lying on her ice, pale as a ghost, whimpering and rubbing the left side of her body. F&*K, I knew it!!! Grandpa died of a heart attack on Dec 22 1986. THIS WAS SICK!!!! I went over, and went into "emergency mode" I was amazed and a little disturbed how calm I was. Because I was hoping against hope, it was not what I KNEW it was, I checked her forehead, kissed it. Scared mom snapped that she didn't haver a fever. I phoned 911, and said I needed an ambulance, my mother was having a heart attack. I remember me and Mom instructing my husband to get her prescriptions for the EMT. I sat with mom. I hope I kissed and hugged her. I can't remember The ambulance was there right away. I rode up in the front. All the while thinking this wasn't real. We got to the hospital, she was wheeled into the RR. My husband and I waited for about a half an hour. We were let in. I gave mom a kiss, we "chatted" She told make I would have to finish the Christmas baking ...lol. They told her they would being doing an angioplasty on her. She might have to have a bypass. Her eyes widened. I am sure she was thinking of her dad...I made sure not to cry. Then we were hustled out. We were told we could go back in in about an hour. One hour turned to nearly four. Finally the doctor called out "The family of Patricia MacKay" My husband ran ahead of me to the Dr. I remember, the Dr. was on one side and my husband on the other. "Your mother's blood pressure is very low, we'll try, but I don't think she's going to make it" This wasn't happening. She was fine this afternoon!!!! I think I may have started to collapse, as my husband grabbed one elbow, and the Dr. the other. But I didn't. I remember entering the room. I stopped at the foot of the bed, and simply stared at her feet. I remembered giving her a pre-Christmas pedicure a few days before. One of the nurses gently steered me up to her side. She was on a ventilator. The Dr. told me they broke a tooth getting it in... I just kept on stroking her head, and crying "Don't go, I need you" over and over again. I even reverted to "Mommy" Sometimes I remembered to include my little brother My eyes kept going to this blue patch on her forehead. The doctor was still working on her, but the nurses were doing what I know was "prep" for the "moment". I don't remember when I realized to call Auntie. All I know is that it took her a long time to get to the hospital, as there was ALOT of snow. At 4:10 am on December 21st, my mom was dead. The nurse gently manoevered me out of the room, so she could clean her up. I got into the hall to see Auntie arriving, and my husband telling her the news. Auntie JUST missed her little sister. Mom had turned sixty, just the week before. Auntie, my husband and I, went into the family room. I leaned on Auntie and balled like a baby for her mommy. They called us when she was ready. My mommy was waiting for me, lying on a gurney in a room. They got rid of her nightgown that had blood on it. She was now in a nice clean hospital gown. My mommy. I hugged her, and lay my head on the pillow looking at her. I felt the back of her neck that was still warm I then realized, I had to go up to the 4th floor and tell my dad's nurses. So, me and husband told the nurses. They said Dad was sleeping, so tomorrow, they would make sure to give him extra meds, and we would tell him then.
I went home and tried to sleep. I woke up and remembered what the hell happened the night before. I still couldn't believe it. I was not looking forward to telling dad.
So we arrived at the F@#$ing hospital. They gave him extra meds, and I told him. At first I thought he didn't hear me (morphine and Ativan), he seemed dazed, then he just grabbed my hand and squeezed his eyes shut. And I cried. I don't remember much about that visit. Auntie and my husband helped alot with the arrangements for mom. Dad's sister from Nova Scotia came in. Mostly for Mom, as relations with her little brother were strained, but for him too. She was a rock. A gentle one.
Christmas morning was hell of course. Opening up the presents and stocking stuffers from mom was like a bizzarre form of torture.....
Dad wanted to go to the funeral. Oh God. HOW??? I remember that day. Numbly following mom's casket, with dad in his wheelchair, and oxygen tanks behind me. At one point in the service, the oxygen ran out in one tank, and his paramedic assistants had to quickly change it. WAS THIS REAL???? WHAT F%^&ED_UP MIND DREAMT THIS UP???? IT WAS BEYOND SICK!!!! I don't remember the next few days much. Thank God I guess. The next day, I was to go down to the place where my brother lived. My brother is autistic, and lived with a care-giver in his "own place". Something that made mom very happy. As close to a normal life as possible. Hell, he even moved out before me! My brother's social worker was there, and his care giver. I was to just "be there" while the social worker told him. He took it "well". I thought he would have a rage (those came a few days later). He just wanted no contact with anyone. Went and stood in a corner with his back to everyone, and went "my mother is dead" I tried to hug him, but no go.
After a little rest, it was time to spend time with Dad. His mind was going now. Understandibly. mine felt like it was, and I didn't have a terminal desease, and on major drugs. One night while visiting him, my arm began to hurt and I felt light-headed. Dad's nurse was concerned with how I was acting, so she took my blood pressure. It was very high (for me). She told me to go downstairs to emergency She took one of the wheelchairs in dad's room and had me taken down. I wasn't having a heart attach, but told to take it easy. Funny!!! So I only went to see dad every second or third day, and hubby went in my place. He shouldn't be alone. Sometimes, I hate to say, my husband almost had to literally drag me to the hospital. I just couldn't take it anymore! It was mid-January, and dad was hallucinating now. A week or so before, I asked dad if there were any movies at his place that he might like me to bring. He said The Winds of War. So I had done that. It turned out to be a VERY bad, bad move. Now, his hallucinations consisted of him being held prisoner, having medical experiments performed on him by Josef Mengele's doctors. Sometimes I witnessed him having them. Watching him yell and cry while they held him down to give him his morphine. The days where he had to be tied down, so he wouldn't "escape". As he would tryand run away often. Once I came home to a message on the answering machine. For the first few seconds all I could hear was the sound of the oxygen tank, then every so often, a weak "help me". I decided I was going insane. In some ways I wish I did. Dad's "family" were his co-workers and his boss - really. He loved his job (almost obsessively - actually my mom thought he had Aspbergers). So they were there often, and helped tremendously. They would sometimes stay the night with him. I wanted it to end. I didn't want him to die, but I wanted this sick nightmare to be "over". To this day, I CANNOT stand the sight of those wire reindeer with the lights on them, or any of those types of decorations, as they were outside the enterance of that D*** place, and Christmas carols make me "twitchy", Daddy finally passed away on the 24th of Jan. I was holding his hand. He was scared he was going to hell. We took his stuff home. I still had the Christmas tree up. It was one of the last thigs mom got me. Hubby had been out of town, till just a couple of days before Mom died. I still didn't have a Christmas tree, so one day I came home from work to see one set up in my dining room/livingroom. Mom joked I better like it, as her back was killing her! It didn't come down till it was a major fire hazard. Probably past that even. It was finally "over", as well as life as I knew it.

[sigmund]

i am so sorry to have read your sad story of losing your parents, i lost my dad before i was 2 and mum in 2006, hubby lost his mum in 1993 and his father 5 weeks after i lost my mum in 2006.
i don't know your belief's so i have no wish to offend but i strongly believe your mother passed away to prepare a place for your father ad i believe they are together watching over you.
in time the hole in your heart will be filled with happy memories of your parents. our priest advised us when we lost our parents to talk to them just be in a room and talk to them, it sounds silly but it does help, we also go to the church and light candles and say special prayers.
again i am sorry for the pain you have gone through, but know your parents are always with you.

[hey-its-ok]

(((((((((((((((Lamm)))))))))))))))

Just want to give you a hug... i don't know what to say... i hope things are working out better for you now.... all the best...

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((( Lamm )))))))))))))))

My thoughts are with you, lost both my parents and it isn't an easy thing to go through. Cherish the memories, remember the goods ones, they do help.

Warmie

[lamm]

Thanks everyone. "life" did come back for a little while. The unthinkable. But the rug has been ripped away from under my feet again. And it brings it all back as if it were yesterday.
As you can see, I haven't been on here for a while. It takes so much out of me if you know what I mean. When I feel ready, I need to post the rest of "my story". Again (((((((thanks))))))))

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( lamm ))))))))))))))))))

Take your time, when you are ready we will be here. Take care please.

Warmie