So, this is my story...

[Alleine]

Overall, I love life more than anything. It is wonderful to wake up in the morning and hear the birds cheeping outside my windows, to be able to walk barefoot on the sand watching the sunrise while smelling the salty ocean. Sitting on the back deck and listening to the crickets chirp in the middle of the night. To drink a warm cup of hot cocoa after playing for hours in the snow. Simply having a dog to comfort you when you are down. To throw a ball as far as you can, and have your dog bring it back, covered in slobber. To see a new generation of puppies be born into this world, watching them grow for the first 8 weeks of their lives. There is so much good in this life, but only if you are being optimistic. I on the other hand have the tendency to be an extreme pessimist. My "friends" always tell me to cheer up, that I only notice the bad because that is all I am looking for, and maybe that is true. How isn't one supposed to look for the bad when they have been scarred and hurt their entire lives? So I suppose with that, I will start my lovely story, beginning with my childhood.

So, my childhood was kind of different than alot of other people's, yet I know there are people who had it worse... alot worse. My parents both work long hours, and have since before any of us kids were born. There are 6 kids in my family, aged 20, 17 (me), 15, 13, 7 and 11 months, 3 boys, 3 girls. So, because my parents worked so much, (about 120 hours in 2 weeks), we had au-pairs come and take care of us. For all of you who don't know what that is, it is kind of like a nanny, who comes from a different country to stay with you for a year to watch the kids and learn the culture, and such. Over the course of my 17 years, I have had over 20 au-pairs come through my door, some better than others, some stayed the whole year while others didn't, some we still talk to, others have their own kids now. Overall I would say it was a neat experience as you get to learn other cultures and such, but I would never put my kids through that. It is really hard for kids to get close to someone like that, only to have them leave and never see them again. It is like your best friend moving away, with no way of contacting them. I guess I blame that for how I am now... That and the fact that when you are little, you want your parents to be around, you want to be close to them, and now that they are finally around, I want my independence. Such is life, I suppose.

Since my parents were gone so much, I kind of took over the "parenting" role in the house. From the age of 5, I cooked dinner, did laundry, cleaned, took care of my little siblings... and such. I went to school, and I was always in the accelerated classes, but I really had to WORK to be there. My older brother could sleep through the classes and still get an A. He outshone me in everything I did, so I stopped trying, it is not like my parents noticed me anyways, I was always in the shadow behind my brother. It was that year, when I was in 3rd grade, that I first had the urge to kill myself. I have the habit of stepping back and thinking before I act, which is likely why I am still here. It scared me though, being so young and wanting to die, but I told no one. It was that year that my life really changed for the worse.

I was in third grade, skinny as hell, I weighed like 45 or 50 pounds, but that was not good enough for me. I had to be thinner. I stopped eating all together, except for at dinner, when I would eat and then go to the bathroom and purge. Soon, I was really sick, and my au-pair at the time was really worried. I kept passing out in school, I stopped sleeping... it was just really bad. And then my parents finally stepped in. They didn't actually do anything really, they just talked to me and told me how bad it was for me not to be eating, and threatened to tell my doctor... which I thought was the worst thing ever. But looking back, they should have taken me to the doctor. I was 8 years old, weighed far to little, had multiple EDs... I was well on my way of becoming who I am today.

These days things are pretty much the same, although our "last" au-pair left in January, and my older brother is in college about 1/2 an hour away. I still have my eating disorders, I am still suicidal, I still cut, I still burn, I am still depressed, I still have anxiety... etc. Now, however, I am in therapy for it... or I was up until a week ago when I "quit" on my therapist. I have been to the psych ward 3 times this year, and I must say that they really were not as bad as people make them out to be. Other than the food, which sucks, and the whole police coming in and breaking in your house at 1:30 in the morning, it was not bad. I cannot however say that inpatient particularly helped me. I am really introverted and I have really bad trust problems (as I always think that they are going to leave me anyways, so why bother... I have a huge problem with change.)

Now I am a senior in high school, about to start applying to colleges, and I am both really excited, and terrified to go. I am looking for a small college, far from home in a really rural area, possibly with nearby apartments where I can bring my dog... I can not live without him. He is my best friend, never judging me, never yelling at me for the scars all over, just staring at me with his dopey eyes and always wanting to sit on your lap and be petted.

Well, it is about time for bed, not that I will sleep... I need to ice my knee anyways. Talk to y'all later.

Alleine

[Emotional_77]

hi, it must of been hard living with different nanny's all of your life. Im sorry to hear about that *hugs you*. Im sorta the same as you, more into nature and animals than anything else. I prefer animals than people a lot of the time. Animals cant talk and never judge. I hope to know more about you.

[sigmund]

hi alleine,
am so sorry for the pain you have gone through. can understand your feelings about animals though, so idiot said animals are nothing but dumb animals but you have to wonder who is the dumb animals. they are always there for you, love you and accept you for who and what you are, they don't lie, abuse or hurt you and they are always there for you.
as for your parents i am guessing they worked hard to give you kids everything they never had, also sounds like they may have had issues too with showing love etc.
maybe it would be a good idea with a third party present to talk to your parents and tell them how you are feeling and listen to how they are feeling etc.
remember when you try to hurt yourself it is you who suffers and you have suffered enough as it is. stay strong and please talk to your parents and know you are special and many people care and love you!

[Emotional_77]

stay strong and please talk to your parents and know you are special and many people care and love you!

I agree on that. Have you ever told your parents how you felt? It might help out. It's worth a shot anyway.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( Alleine )))))))))))))))))))))))

The unconditional love of animals is truly a gift. Feel special I have that in my life. They don't know depression, they just know they love you.

Take care please, keeping you in my thoughts.

Warmie