My story

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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B4igo
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:58 pm
Location: San Francisco bay area

My story

Postby B4igo » Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:09 am

well i don't really know where to start but i guess i'll start from the beginning.

It all started when I was about 10yrs old when my dad decided to leave us (my two brothers younger / older, i'm the middle child lucky me). He left us with no money to buy food to pay bills nothing. We had no idea where he went or why he left us. I couldn't sleep at night i wondered where he went. a couple years later he decided to come back to us i wanted nothing to do with him. he missed many of my birthdays never called never even wondered how we were doing.

when I thought things couldn't get any worse I was wrong. One day my mom took my two brothers to the store and my dad confronted me and asked me why i had pushed him away. I told him because he was my father whom i looked up too before he left, and now abandoning his family basiclly leaving us for dead i had no love for him and I couldn't understand why he would do what he did. He never apologized for leaving us, never apologized for anything.

He told me I'd better treat him with respect that "he's my father" I remember saying "You're not my father" and he hit me so hard it knocked me down. i cried and asked why he would do that and he continued to hit me. i ran into my room crying under my blankets wondering why he would do this to me. when my mom got back from the store i told her what my dad did to me. she didn't want to hear it, my dad got up and told her how he saw it and my mom started to hit me.

The non-stop fighting started, once a day... twice a day... at night, in the morning, in the car to school, at school, events, meetings. non-stop... having to witness my father beating my mother and me trying to step in to get him to stop only ended up me getting beat. many sleepless nights were spent listening to them.

that's about how everyday started from then on.. my grades went down in school, i was put into "special ed" classes because my parents told them i have a learning disability. I would go to school with bruises, cuts, scraps and self inflicted cuts. nobody ever said a word to me i figured I'd just make the best of it and just forget it ever happened.

in middle school i started getting into drugs and alcohol, I would drink and some pot sometimes. It was the only thing that would ever make me feel "happy". everybody I would hang out with knew or had simular problems then I did, it made them happy why wouldn't it make me happy? So that's about 2 years of drugs and alcohol which continued on into high school.

The abuse from my parents never stopped, whether it was mental or psychical abuse it was always there. I heard them call me names, make fun of me. If one of my brothers got in trouble they would blame me and make me pay for it. It literally got to the point where my birthdays were celebrated by only 1 person and that was me. I never had any parties (still don't, spent my last birthday alone at 26yrs old) my "friends" were afraid to come over, to call me, to hang out with me.. I had nothing, nobody would listen to me, nobody cared about what was happening with me. I see middle school as where the trouble started, like i said the drugs and alcohol were a problem, i also got into a lot of fights in middle school.

could have been from the non-stop torment of being picked on by everyone at school (including "friends) or self defense. I didn't do any work i just didn't care about school anymore. that's how middle school was for me, wake up get abused mentally and psychically, go to school get abused mentally and psychically, come home and deal with it all over again.

then there's high school... not much there either. By high school I still had no friends I was very skinny from lack of food and probably from the drugs too. They say "high school are some of the best years of your life" I never had such a day. the drug abuse got worse as I started experimenting with different drugs. I did all kinds of drugs to help pass the time, freshman year went fast but home life still didn't change much and atleast i had made 2 new friends. sophomore year i seriously can't remember as much as I try. the drugs the abuse the numerous suicide attempts have left that year of my life in a dark shadow, part of me is glad it is.

Junior year was horrible, I got into heroine and my life fell apart. the "friends" I had met left me for good. I had nobody to run to cry to, no should nothing. I stopped doing homework, i stopped caring about school who needed it? I knew that when the day was over I would go back to a 1bdrm apartment with now 5 people living in it, with no food, no A/C no heat nothing and sit in my room and cry, cut, drink and do drugs. I cried I begged the people i did know to please talk to me, nobody would. I felt alone, my parents wouldn't feed me, i couldn't get a job, i had cuts all over my arms. I was miserable and nobody cared...

I kept thinking back to my life that year, wondering where i went wrong what I did wrong to cause all this for myself. What did I do to deserve to get beat, to be starved to be hurt so bad by the people that had and yet my 2 brothers get treated like kings. my older brother had MANY friends and he'd go out on friday, saturday nights and hang out and have fun. my younger brother would do the same, parties, friends houses etc.. I wondered why they were treated so great when i'm the forgotten one. I spent hours a night thinking about that as I would lay in bed, then i knew i would have to get up and go to school for what reason?

So Junior year went by with heavier drugs use and more alcohol, same mental and psychical abuse from my parents. till one day 2 weeks before thanksgiving I felt I had had enough of this.

I got a bunch of tranquillizers and overdosed on them. I took a whole bottle and collapsed I dont know how or when I got there but I spent the night alone in the ER and 1 week in a mental hospital alone. my parents never came to visit me, my "friends" never came to visit me. I was so close, the end was near the pain was gone, the torture was gone, the abuse it was all gone... but yet it wasn't my time...

that was it for me ... i had enough... i spent the rest of junior year just not caring what happened to me. I didn't care if i got abused or whatever.. I started smoking, drinking and doing drugs a lot more then I had. I just didn't care anymore people knew what i was going through in my life and nobody cared so i didn't.

Senior year wasn't much of anything, drug use.. alcohol.. the same ol song and dance at that point. I dropped out of high school, by that time what was the point of going anymore right? then one faitful night at around 6:00pm November 22nd 1999 my mom got a call that I will NEVER forget as long as I live.

I haven't spoken much of my grandparents in this, but they fed us, they clothed us, they paid our rent etc.. etc.. My grandpa was the only one that would talk to me, me and him were so close we were best buds. We'd laugh, talk just have fun. he really was the only friend I had, only true friend I had... till November 22nd came along... I remember that night.. I was sitting on the couch eating a biscuit (all my parents left me to eat) when my grandmother called and told us that my grandpa had passed away.

I stopped and said "what?" my mom said "my dad died" My heart sunk and i ran into the room and hid under my covers and cried for hours and hours. My only friend had died the one i loved more then anything had left us. I had lost my best friend...

i thought to my self "that's it, my life is over" I can't do this anymore... after all I had been through that was the hardest thing for me. He meant the world to me, he really did.

the next few years of my life are blurry i seriously can't remember much. I do remember the police being called many times because i was over 18, my dad could really kick my butt then. That's when the fights started and when the police started getting involved. that went on for months just once twice a week.

my parents still fought they would spend hours and hours screaming, and still my dad would hit my mom, i'd get in there to try to break it up and I'd end up in a fight.

Around april 2002 my life took a strange turn... an old friend of mine from middle / high school got in touch with me. we started hanging out etc.. i had a friend! we spent so many days together just out driving and hitting up the theme parks.. I quit drugs, quit drinking started being happy started enjoying my life i thought "wow, this is great things are finally turning around for me" It did change but the home life was still the same but atleast I had a release now it was great.

Then I met his sister and me and her hit it off, my first girlfriend I was so excited. my friend ended up moving down south with his g/f which was ok because I had someone that loved me, that would listen to me that didn't care about how I looked etc.. We spent 4 beautiful years together I will never forget those years ever.

For the first time in my LIFE i had a birthday party. Granted it was only me & her I didn't care. I went out on my birthday, i was told "i love you" i was wanted, loved, cared for.

then when I thought all was great and everything seemed to be going great on february 13th she broke my heart into a million pieces and dumped me. I still don't know why or what I did wrong, we were always together i loved her with all my heart. We went hiking, to the beach, road trips, to So Cal. etc... then she does that to me.. it's been a year and a half since we've broken up, she won't talk to me, and i'm back to square one.

No friends, no money, no car, no life nothing... In those 4 years together I slowly started putting my life together. I took the G.E.D passed Math 560 out of 600, Passed science 590 out of 600, passed history 510 out of 600, passed reading 480 out of 600 but failed writing. I've taken the writing test atleast 4 times and still can't get it. I want to get it, i want a career, I want a job I want friends I want a life...

Right now I literally have nothing.. 26 yrs old still living with parents, can't hold a job, can't hold friends... I feel more worthless right now then I ever have in my whole life. I've spent countless hours reading about the human body and anatomy books in hopes that somewhere maybe I could make it in the medical field.

Like I said earlier this past birthday was the 26th one that I spent alone in my room watching tv. Birthdays, christmas all those holidays have never been anything to me. now I dread Christmas, my birthday, new years, Valentines day all those. I dont have what it takes to go out and get my life back together.

I believe I'm smart.. I have a little faith in myself I know that if i can put my mind to something i can do it. I just can't after all I've been through I just feel so used, so worthless and so alone, i just can't anymore.

I dont know what to do anymore.. here i am 26 years old and lifeless. after years of abuse, drugs & alcohol, suicide attempts, cutting etc have left me with bad memories, major health problems, heart problems. I don't know what to do, i didn't honestly think I'd make it this far. I ride the train sometimes just to get out and think about my life. as i write this i dont really know why i'm saying what i am. maybe hope? i dont know...

all i know is that i'm 26, no friends, no life... never felt more worthless in my life then I do now..

thank you for reading.. hope i didnt waste any of your time..

B4igo

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hey-its-ok
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2008 3:13 pm
Location: right here

Postby hey-its-ok » Wed Sep 10, 2008 2:46 am

Hey b4igo,

i've read your story and I felt your pain and sorrows and happiness. I think you need to pull yourself together, straighten things out, get a job or study, and most importantly, go get another girlfriend. It would be good to know what happened to the past relationship, but since you can't find out, let bygones be bygones as they say, leave the past in the past, and work on the present. After straightening your life up you need to find a girlfriend and then i think life will be meaningful and beautiful again.

take care.

Emotional_77
Posts: 850
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:21 pm
Location: Ontario, Canada

Postby Emotional_77 » Wed Sep 10, 2008 11:36 am

wow, i read your story and my heart just felt for you and i do agree with hey its ok, maybe finding a job moving out of your family's home could be the best for you. Reading stories such as yours, it just makes my heart break knowing that they are people out there living a life like you are right now. NO ONE deserves to live a life like that. I am glad you have found this site, don't lose hope, you have friends now and we will be here for you. :)
*many hugs*

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B4igo
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:58 pm
Location: San Francisco bay area

Postby B4igo » Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:03 pm

Thanks, it helped being able to talk about it. I want to get a job and get out but its so hard after all that's happened to me. Now I have to live with a serious heart condition and hopes and dreams that have been broken.

The feeling of depression and emptiness is so overwhelming, it's so hard to get up and get through a day. I've stood on the edge for years now I don't know what to do.

I apply places, i go out and try to meet new people nothing works. i just dont know anymore. I feel so empty and worthless :cry:

Emotional_77
Posts: 850
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:21 pm
Location: Ontario, Canada

Postby Emotional_77 » Wed Sep 10, 2008 9:42 pm

I know what your talking about, cause im not feeling so up myself right now. Depression, or mental illnesses is going to continue in more people because of the way the society is changing. Right now, I just feel so alone.
Hugs to you.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29195
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Sep 21, 2008 9:20 am

(((((((((((( B4igo )))))))))))))))))

Keep trying, look forward at every chance. Sending a hug your way and good thoughts.

Warmie 8)


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