Loving someone with Depression

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cat
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Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2008 7:16 pm

Loving someone with Depression

Postby cat » Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:57 pm

My boyfriend and I, who are both I our late 30’s, have been together for 2 years. We have known each other since childhood and were close friends for a time before becoming romantically involved. He moved to FL from CT last June after almost a year of being long distance. I first noticed there was something wrong shortly after but thought it was just the adjustment of moving. As time went on, I thought he was just tired from work or being lazy but in early Feb he up and left, back to CT without even an explaination. I learned later that he thought moving back would “fix” things.

It did not. His situation has gotten worse and worse in the past 8 months. I have visited monthly and seen the decline each time. Work is sporadic, he is living in a one room rental cottage, finances a mess, utilities being shut off from non-payment, isolating from family, etc. but he always blamed on the economy, lay offs from jobs, etc.

In July, he was supposed to pick me up from the airport yet I was unable to reach him for a week prior causing me to cancel my flight. I sent a supportive email that I understood if it was not a good time, etc. to which he never responded. Weeks went by with no word from him. Out of concern, I flew up to find him in bed in the middle of a sunny afternoon, covered in dog hair, unshaven, house a mess, no food in the fridge, etc. I just sat and listened as his emotional purge went on for almost 3 hrs.

Guilt, shame, self loathing. All the sorries saying “Its not just you, I don’t talk to anybody.” Said he doesn’t do anything, goes to work when he has a job, comes home and goes to bed. Can’t get through the most basic tasks, etc. He said he wanted to at least send me an email but sat at the computer every day and didn’t know what to say. I just let him know I was there because I loved him, understood, wasn’t angry at all but concerned. He did say that he knew he needed a Dr. etc. but just kept thinking he could get a handle on it.

The following day, a glitch in the day caused an outburst from him out of no where in which he was flayling his arms around yelling “I can’t deal with this, I can’t deal with myself, I can’t think, I can’t take care of myself, I can’t……everything.” I calmed him down and we talked for the rest of the night. Again, all the “I’m selfish, I treat everyone I love like shit. It hurts to see you, I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” This ended with him on his knees, head in my lap, telling me he loved me, etc.

The next day, I was scheduled to fly out. He asked me to stay so I did for two more days which were spent just relaxing. I made some good comfort foods and we watched movies, etc. The morning I left, he told me he loved me. Thanked me for coming and all that I did for him. That afternoon, he called to see if I got home ok. The following day he called all excited about a new job sight he was on. I have not heard from him since and it has been over a week.

A friend of his called the other day concerned because when he asked my boyfriend about our weekend, he replied that I had “Held him hostage all weekend” and now he has to “Break up with me again.” His friend was confused and concerned because we had dinner with him while I was there and he said he hadn’t seen him that happy in months as he was that night with me. He said it was like two different people and he was shocked.

Is this true? Did I hold him hostage? Is this just defenses, tough guy stuff? My thoughts were that him NOT contacting was a cry for help in itself as he knew I would come to check on him, maybe even hoped for it, counted on it. If he didn’t want me to, he would have at least sent a breakup email or something to keep me from doing it. I could be wrong. Maybe he hoped I’d just get the hint or get upset enough to say F’You. I don’t know. This is hard because I’m dealing with my own feelings of rejection yet in the less emotional side of my brain knows what I found when I got there, knows what happened, knows what was said, etc.

At this point, he is obviously isolating from me again and I don’t know what to do. If he ever actually SAID take a hike, fine but he doesn’t, he’s just disappeared again. Do you keep reaching out in a loving, understanding, accepting way to your depressed loved one or is that pressure?

Thank you for reading my post. Any insight is appreciated.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:19 pm

Hi Cat,

Is there anyway you can get his friend (s) or family, to get him some professional help? Sorry I am at a lose in what to tell you.

If you can't be with him constantly, then doing what you can to get him the help he is needing would be for his own safety and your peace of mind.

I wish you the best, will keep you in thoughts.

Warmie 8)

cat
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2008 7:16 pm

Postby cat » Sat Sep 06, 2008 8:17 pm

Thanks Jeanie,

I have advised his sister and friend of the situation now that he has isolated from me again and they will be working that angle.

I still question if I should continue to reach out to him even though he has isolated from me or would that be pressure?

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29195
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Sep 21, 2008 9:21 am

((((((((((((((( cat )))))))))))))))))

Letting you know I am keeping you in my thoughts. Hope things are better for you.

Warmie 8)

stormerhas
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Oct 20, 2008 9:14 pm

Postby stormerhas » Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:30 pm

Cat,

What has your BF been diagnosed with? I'm not a doctor but I've spend enough time in the mental health system (BF, Mother, Myself) to understand that there is more going on with him than just simple depression or SAD. Is he seeking therapy or meds?

The behaviors your BF had is consistent with Bipolar disorder.

I know this is really hard sweetie, but THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! There was nothing YOU did or didn't do to make him behave this way.... and there's nothing you can do. He has to want to seek help in order to get it. I know where you are right now..... I've been in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers. He has all the bells and whistles to go along with it (OCD, SAD, anxiety, social phobia, depression.) Loving some one with these kinds of disorders is so difficult and it wears on you. The most important thing you can do for him and for you is Don't loose yourself in his problems. Be strong. My thoughts and best wishes are with you.


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