My Girlfriend suffers from Depression please help me.

[Ollie Lawes]

Hi my names Ollie. I'm 20.

I realise that strictly speaking this should be a topic for friends and family and not under 'your story' but I need some help/advice from others who suffer from depression. I met my current girlfriend when I was in college. I have been with her for a year and a half now. For the first six months it was an incredible experience, I fell in love with her so quickly, we got on so well, made each other laugh all the time and wanted to be around each other all the time. Then during the end of this period she told me about her depression. I pushed it under the carpet and dismissed it as if I had cured her myself, she said she was the happiest she had been ever and that even friends and family had made comments about her happiness since being with me. I ignored her depression as I guess I felt ignorance is bliss. Then strange things started to happen.

We'd have arguments over nothing, literally the most pathetic unimportant things, but we didn't just argue. She would mention breaking up a lot, I couldn't understand this. I felt like she wasn't committed to me and that when things got tough she would just run away. Which would make me angry.

Then I noticed that whenever I was going to see my friends, she would hate it, every time she would cause an argument about it and i would leave in an awful mood. I couldn't understand why she did this? and neither could my parents who thought she was probably too clingy.

I couldn't understand depression, I looked at it as a curable disease and not as a recurring problem. We would argue a lot and she would tell me all the things I was doing wrong and instinctively I would get defensive. She would say that I wasn't listening, and the truth is I wasn't.

I am starting to learn so much about depression and I am starting to understand it so much better. That when she says the things I do to upset her I just try to listen, because they're her feelings they can't be changed. I have so much to learn and I still struggle hugely.

I think before if someone had asked me what came to mind when they said mental illness, I think I would have gone straight for the ridiculous Hollywood stereotype of straight jacket and an asylum etc. I couldn't understand how my beautiful girlfriend who always seemed to smile could have a 'mental illness'.

Talking helped for a long time. I began to realise that she would break up with me to protect me in a way. She didn't want to hurt me and she assumed she would eventually so she thought it would be best to end it before any damage is done. I realised that she was far more vulnerable then I had realised and that she just wanted me there because when I was there she felt happier, safer.

My girlfriend couldn't and hasn't decided what she wants to do in life. Over the past year and a half she has tried so many different options. I try to reassure her that a vast amount of people at our age don't know what they want to do. Many people into their 30's and 40's still don't know. She tried travelling, Nursing, banking, retail, studying both at uni and at home. Some of these experiences would end in panic attacks and tears and I was always there to try and help her. I am so incredibly proud of her and I think she is a lot stronger then she feels.

I have prided myself on trying to be the best boyfriend to her. I buy her flowers randomly to make her smile. I buy her, her favourite food. The truth is I am so in love with my girlfriend that its hard to describe. When I am with her I cannot take my eyes off of her. When she's cooking or washing up or trying to get changed I have to hold her.

The real problem is that I am not there anymore. While my girlfriend tried many things for potential careers I knew what I wanted to do for now. I wanted to study. Study in television to be exact. I got offered a place on a Television production course at Media City (UK) where I could learn about the industry right in the heart of the BBC and ITV. It was an opportunity I never believed I could get into. This caused a huge problem in our relationship. Evie, my girlfriend didn't want it to happen. She told me for months that it would make her unhappy again and that she was scared and that if I loved her I could stay with her and she would make me happy and that I could find another course close by. I would argue that it would be okay, I would come back every other weekend to see her, and I got long holidays and that in reality I would only be away for six months of the year spread out over a year and that the opportunity was unique for me. We argued like this for months and months. It caused a rift between my family and herself. My parents feel she is no good for me, they feel that I cannot ever make her happy and that things will get worse and I cannot help her, that I would be throwing my life away.

This of course made things worse for my girlfriend who now didn't get on with my parents. She was very very unhappy, and so was I. It was then that she met somebody on a training course, a guy called Steven that she liked, she told me about him and how they had had a connection together.
This terrified me and I was devastated. She assured me it was nothing more then that, and I believed her. It hurt for weeks knowing that she was so upset that another man had caught her attention. But I did understand. Nothing happened and she was incredibly upset.

When I started my course I had hoped everything would be better, that she would realise it wasn't so bad and we could continue together. It hasn't happened. I am two months into my course so far and she is very very unhappy. She has been hospitalised on one occasion and has said that she doesn't want to be here anymore. She wants me to come home, she has been so unhappy that somedays she won't get out of bed. I feel lost in all honesty. After recent weeks of arguing and upsetting each other. I couldn't do anything right again. I felt like all the progress I had made was regressing. It was then that some incidents with the same man, Steven occurred. They would text, not a lot but occasionally it started off friendly. I was okay with this. I would spend evenings with my friends in some bars and clubs (despite not liking clubbing) and it would upset her, she didn't know where i was, who i was with or what girls I might meet or bump into. So I didn't want to tell her she couldn't text someone considering that I was socialising a lot more now.

Then one day I made a mistake of something I am not proud of. One day as I was in my room at university I missed my girlfriend and despite her being upset asked if she would send me some pictures because I missed her. It was inappropriate and it made her feel like I missed sex and not her. It was a stupid mistake on my behalf and one that I regret enormously, because that same night Steven (from the training course) pounced. He started sexting her and after speaking to her about it she told me she had sexted him back and she had sent one picture after she received some pictures. I was devastated, I felt sick. We just were not working anymore. We had hurt each other. I met up with her and we spoke about things and it didn't help, we still argued and couldn't understand each other. Then Steven paid her a visit one day. They went to a pub for a couple of drinks and kissed on a couple of occasions.

I recently spoke to her about everything. It reached a stage where we really needed to sort the mess out. We sat and talked for a long time. She broke down, told me how she had ended it with Steven, that she had made a mistake. She was so upset that she risked our relationship and it was the worst thing she had ever done, she said the kiss acted like closure to her, that when she saw him after months that he was not nearly as attractive as me and that she had built him up to be some incredible man when in reality she felt nothing for him. This may be difficult for anyone that is reading this, and I apologise if it is long winded. I feel its important that I put her and my mistakes out in the open. Keeping something hidden in this might impact any of your responses.

My point is we are both human. we have made mistakes and I do see hers as harmless mistakes. It upset me yes, but there was no doubt that when i spoke to her about it, how sorry she was and how much she really loved me. I need anyone who has depression to please if you find time, respond to this. I believe my girlfriend loves me because I absolutely adore her and I would rather fix the relationship then run from it. She has bad depression. Many of my friends and family don't understand and want me to leave her. I can't leave her. I am so loyal to her, I have not cheated on her nor will I ever. She is like my best friend and I can't imagine my life without her in it. Some of you may feel I am selfish for being at university. I fully intend to look after my girlfriend I would love a future with her, of children and marriage. I just wanted to be good at something I enjoy doing. When we're around each other it just works so well but the issue is that I am not around for her enough anymore and it makes her so upset.

I feel under so much pressure, no one else understands me. I am good at this course and I do well at certain aspects, but in the back of my mind always is how upset she is. I don't want to break up with her, I don't want to let men like Steven manipulate her like that. I know I am a good boyfriend because I listen and I try so hard to look after her and be there for her. I feel its not enough and that she needs more. She has attended some therapy sessions but can no longer afford them. If anyone has had the patience to read this, thank you. I love her with my whole heart, I need some help. I want to keep her healthy and happy but I do want to have my own career in something I like and am good at. If i am missing something, anything please point it out to me? base it on your own experiences. If iI am not dealing with depression well or in the right way tell me. I need to understand what works and what doesn't.

Thank you for anyone who took their time to read this, I really appreciate it.

Ollie.

[Doogie]

Hi,

I'm not sure if I can give you any advice that will make everything ok between you and your girlfriend, but I can give you what my experiences are. It seems that there are a couple of issues at play here. There is no right or wrong advice, it just come down to what you are willing to compromise on with respect to what you need and want.

You need to determine what it is you need and if being with her will give you that. The first of everyone's relationship is always great....but it's not love...it's infatuation. No one can love someone until they really get to know them. Everyone is always on their best behavior at the start and only show their best side. Does she have all the qualities that you are looking for in a partner? What do you want in life? What is she willing to compromise for you? Is the relationship one sided? There are more but it all comes down to will this relationship with her give you what you need in life. We all want things but sometimes what we want are not in our control.

I'm not saying that you should break up with her and follow your career, nor am I saying that you should stay with her and follow love. In the end it has to be you that decides how your life is to go.

If she has issues then it can only be her that can resolve them. You can give her all the advice and support you want, but in the end you cannot make her accept anything she will not accept for herself.

I once was madly in love with another girl..so much that I still think of her today. At the time it was a similar situation with me. I wanted her and she didn't know what she wanted. It was the hardest moment of my life when I left her....but in the end I decided that it was the best for me. I done everything for her to help her, and there were no signs that she was going to help herself. I found out years later that a day does not go by that she does not regret letting me go and she wishes it would have been me she married. She also admitted that she didn't know what she wanted when we were together, and it was years before she actually resolved it with herself.

Unfortunately it ended up being the same problem with the girl I did marry. She had unresolved issues of her own, and it literally destroyed the relationship between us despite how much I gave into the relationship. It was only years later when I finally had enough and was ready to file for divorce that she admitted she needed to talk with someone to resolve her issues. That's going into my issue why I'm here, but I have not been successful yet on helping someone resolve their own issues.

Again, only you can decide your path in life. You just need to determine that she is the one for you...and as important are you the one for her? Make sure that she wants you and that you are not being a crutch for her if she does have depression. The previous girl I mentioned I did realize I was just a crutch and I had to let her go for my own happiness, despite how much I still wanted to help her.

You're still young both in age and in your relationship with her, so the best advice I can give is some true heart to heart conversations about what each of you want and need from each other. Only then can you make a logical decision.

[100footpole]

The truth sets us free, but free isn't the same as happy is it Doogie?

We always have a choice, and there is nothing we can do to change the choices we have already made. There is no point in worrying about what happened, and we need to accept that the choices we make will not always make what we want to happen happen. Don't spend to much time worrying about the future. Go with your gut, learn from your choices.

[Ieris]

Hello Ollie,

I once thought I met the guy I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, actually felt like how you do towards your girlfriend now and I gave up a lot of things for him. However, it was such a bad mistake and I am still suffering the consequences till this day. Was it worth it? Definitely not. Simply blinded by love and made some silly choices. I wish I could go back and choose again but thats not possible >_<

I actually agree with your family and friends, they have your best interests at heart whereas your girlfriend doesn't. Not only is she not being supportive towards your dreams, she is actually holding you back and guilt tripping you to make you change your mind. Sadly lots of women behave this way whether they have depression or not. She's being a road block in your journey, i don't really understand how you can love someone yet stand in the way of their goals? She seems very insecure and it is pretty selfish to just focus on what makes her unhappy, what about what makes you happy? I wonder if that ever crosses her mind...

I guess it seems like you have to pick between your career and girlfriend as having both clearly isn't working out. I have lost count of how many times i read "arguing" in your post. In your 20s-30s is when you need to work really hard to get your career going. You don't want to be in your 40s doing some crappy job you don't enjoy then go back to study and then have to compete with younger 20 year olds. Make the right choice for you, not for her, who knows if she'll even be in your life in 10 years time. I know I'm leaning more towards your career/dreams side but only because from personal experience I chose my boyfriend back then and now I don't even remember what he looks like. It threw me off track and it has been extremely difficult to get back on track so I am just waving some red flags at you.

You are a fantastic boyfriend to her, I don't think she realises how lucky she is to have you. Lots of guys would have run for the hills if they have to deal with what you do. It just seems like you do all the work to keep the relationship going, but what is she doing? I re-read your post again and all she does is get upset, sound more like a burden than a girlfriend. I think you need to let her deal with her own issues, don't help her more than she wants to help herself. You mentioned that she can't afford therapy sessions, but if you're in the UK counselling sessions are free. So pay a visit to a GP and see if that can be arranged. If her depression isn't caused by something in the past then scrap the counselling sessions altogether and visit a life coach instead. I personally believe that people who are lost in life benefit more from going to a life coach as they are about how to move forward and find solutions whereas psychologists/counsellors talk more about your past and finding the problem.

I hope things work out the way you want them too. Seriously don't put anyone before yourself especially when they wont do the same for you.

All the best x

---

I was just reading an article and wanted to quote a section here:

"Sometimes you can fancy the pants off someone and be perfectly matched on paper but find the actual relationship is like both trying to swim against the current.
It should work but it doesn't and instead of bringing out the best in each other, you're constantly rubbing each other up the wrong way.
Relationships are hard work, sure, but when you're with the right person they're a lot less hard work, believe me!
You'll know when you've found someone you're high on compatibility and chemistry: you blend together easily and while there are sticking points and rows, the over-riding feeling is you're in the right place"

.