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im dying and no one cares

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:10 pm
by JonsDragonEyes
My name is Star just like a star in the night time sky and I am writing this 100% Anonymously

When your afraid to die the first things that go through your mind are the things you will never see again. Your family , your friends , your pets.

You think of all the things in the world that will never come to you again. Watching sunsets , wishing on stars in the night time sky. What it feels like to be hugged, the first time it snows in winter , the taste of your favorite food , and knowing what it feels like to really , truly be safe.

You see , I don't know what it's like to feel totally safe anymore. I've had a lot of physical health problems and a really bad cancer scare awhile back. For now I'm doing a little better but I'm not completely out of the woods yet.

Some people think your stupid for pouring out your heart about your problems online but you know what ??? Sometimes when your all alone and have no other option you really don't have anywhere else to go. And holding something inside you with no one to talk about it with can do so much damage.

I have my parents and they are wonderful but I need friends. Desperately.

Where I live , to me in my heart is the most beautiful place in the world. Way out in the country far away from the lights of the city , away back in the mountains of West Virginia. It is so quiet here you can hear the leaves of the trees softly shake when the wind blows. When I was a little girl my grandfather showed me a Weeping Willow tree. I will always remember the way the beautiful branches and leaves of the tree bent downward almost touching the ground and swayed on even the slightest breath of air. He told me if I listened hard enough when the wind the wind blows the tree makes a soft sound like crying. Till this day I still listen...

In the summer the nights are lit up with the glow of thousands of green flickering lights of the fireflies and the days when the sun shines on fields of orange , white and purple wildflowers the wind makes the grasses blow gently back and forth and mimic the waves on the ocean.

Water flows over rocks in the creeks , deer and rabbits run right through my front yard as if they own it and at night the sound of the coyotes and owls ring out through the hills. In a way it's almost like heaven.

There is only one thing missing. Friends. My parents are the best thing I could ask for. But as much as I love them I still need friends. Everyone does.

I think if someone tells me " your not trying hard enough " I will freaking scream. Because it's not about that. Where I live is a dead end town , there isn't many here and like I said before I live way out in the countryside ... so the closest thing IS the dead end town.

I tried what so many people advise against ... and that is making friends online. But that only turned out to be nothing short of a nightmare for me. At first I thought I found really nice people ... but all they did was end up scaring the hell out of me. When I started questioning their honesty " because I began to suspect they weren't really who they claimed to be " all they did was get nasty with me. They pretty much treated me like dirt. They didn't care how much they scared me , they didn't care how worried I was.

I don't think it's possible to feel more alone than I do right now. Because of my " physical " problems I can never have kids. I don't know what is worse the fact that I will spend the rest of my life watching everyone else have something so wonderful ... or the fact that I may not even live to grow old. How much can life take away from you without it hurting you so much you lose your mind ??

I've thought of suicide. I've come close many times. One thing that keeps me holding on is my rescue pets.

One thing about living in the country is there is always the chance of stupid people throwing out unwanted pets. And where I live is a dumping ground for unwanted cats. I've seen so many starving sick , abused animals that I've lost count.

You always hear people make smart ass comments about " crazy cat lady" ... well, I tell you what... animals are more loyal than people.

I wish I could post pictures of them on here but I have no idea how to do it. I tried looking up on how you upload pictures on this site but the directions are so complicated I got lost and just gave up.

Sometimes when I feel lonely late I night I will sit out under the stars and hold one of my rescue cats. I'll hold it so close I can feel its heartbeat next to mine and I think about how life has brought us together.

I think a lot about God. There is a quote I once heard that goes ..

"Making a million friends is not a miracle
A miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you
When millions are against you."

I don't know who wrote it. But I wonder when is God going to make that miracle for me ??? How long do I have to keep hurting ? How much longer do I have to be so alone ??

I am so afraid of dying in more ways than one. In the physical sense. And in my heart too.

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:20 pm
by Doogie
Hi JonsDragonEyes,

You are one of the most thoughtful and caring individuals on this forum. Making friends can be hard, and online is even harder because you can't see or know the intentions of the person on the other end. But don't let that discourage you...there are a lot of people who would be honored to be part of your will find them.

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:28 pm
by Doogie
Sorry...there is more I wanted to add but doing this on a Blackberry is sooo hard. Just know you are not alone and you have so much to offer the world...

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:37 pm
by JonsDragonEyes
Thank you Doogie

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 5:35 am
by Doogie your description of where you live sounds amazing. I love the country. I moved far as a I could to live in the countryside without having a crazy commute into work.

I hope everything is ok with you health wise. Having a cancer scare can be a heavy weight on you mind.

I'm from a small dead end town so I know what they can be like. Is there any possibility for making friends in the one near you?

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 11:14 am
by JonsDragonEyes
I'm doing so so. And yeah it sure can weight on your mind.

I really love living here. My grandfather and father have farmed this land for over 50 years. People love to buy my dads produce. There is even a waterfall near my house. But the closest town is so small that a stoplight is almost unheard of. All of my friends that I went to school with have moved out of state.

Coming on this site helps. I really love reading people's posts and trying what I can do/say to help them.

Sometimes though at night when the house is dark and I'm laying in bed or when I'm sitting outside watching the stars the loneliness hits me so hard I almost can't stand it.

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 1:26 pm
by Doogie
Loneliness is a horrible feeling...I know what it's like. It's good that you enjoy coming here. Maybe start another thread about something that you would like to talk about...probably a lot of people here would just like to to be part of a discussion on something that makes them feel like they are part of something (bad Grammer I know) It's not quite the same as having someone in person, but it maybe would be nice to have a dialog that's more self fulfilling....if any of that makes sense.

It will get better.... :)

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 1:39 pm
by JonsDragonEyes
Thank you. That is a really good idea. And yeah it sure does make sense.

Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2014 3:15 am
by JonsDragonEyes
Sometimes though I guess no matter how hard you try things just don't ever get better.

Tonight I took a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate and sat outside and watched the moon rise up over the hill here. I'm kinda weird I guess. I make my hot chocolate with a big spoonful of melted peanut butter added in and then I put mini marshmallows too. I guess I like to do things "different" but it's really warm and extra comforting.

The moon was so bright and beautiful as it raised higher and higher in the sky and above the tree tops. There is a chill in the air and you can smell the earth out here. Sounds kinda goofy doesn't it ?? But if your from the country you'll know what I mean. I really love that smell.

You can hear the crickets and katydids and owls.

And I thought to myself so much about my life. It seems crazy one minute I'm laughing with a smile on my face, grinning from ear to ear trying so damn hard to pretend everything is going to be okay. Then the next minute I get so tired of pretending.

Being alone without real friends is the slowest kind of torture. I can't do it anymore. I really can't.

I'm ready to give everything up. I just wanna close myself off from the whole entire world and shut my heart completely down. I don't ever want to let anyone or anything in ever again.

I just can't take anymore hurt.

Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2014 10:30 am
by creaker
I wish you could understand that you are not alone. There are people who care about you. Who are willing to be your friend, no matter what happens. I am one of them.

To protect yourself, you have developed a habit of shutting people out. It is normal to do this when you are hurt by those you trusted most. But you can overcome the habit if you try hard, if you allow someone in.

Every friendship you make has a dual property, of love and of hurt. You can learn that the hurt means you have loved, so it becomes part of a treasured memory.

I hope you can open your heart again and find a true friend or two, those that love unconditionally.

People Care

Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2014 2:30 pm
by 100footpole
I am just flitting around the forum. Your smile thread encouraged me to register. I will go read the instructions after posting this.

The friend I described in the smile thread had kidney problems. She waited years to get on the transplant list, and then when it was time to get on the list found out that she had acquired Hepatitis sometime in her past, which meant that she couldn't get a transplant.

I think a lot about how the Hep could go undiagnosed for years. I also think about the "objective criteria" that are used to determine our fates. I hate the idea of limited resources, but try to keep the idea personal by simply doing my best, and letting the mysteries take care of themselves.

Your positive thoughts have made a big difference in my afternoon.

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 8:05 am
by Doogie
Hi Jon,

Don't give is hard feeling alone but hopefully this place can help when you are feeling down. I know it's not the same but you are too kind and loving of a person to shut everything out.

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 6:29 pm
by JonsDragonEyes
Thank you Creaker. That means a lot to me.

And it's really nice to meet you 100footpole. Welcome to the forums. That breaks my heart about your friend. It's so unfair I can't even imagine that. I am so sorry.

Hey there Doogie. Thank you again too. You can call me Star. Like the kind of star in the night time sky. I'm a girl. Jon is the name of one of my cats and because it has big yellow dragon looking eyes.

Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 3:28 pm
by Doogie
Hi Star,

Lol...I was curious on the meaning of your name.

Apparently I looked like Doogie Howser M.D when I was younger (if you remember that show)... I never saw the resemblance...the nickname sort of stuck.

Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:00 pm
by JonsDragonEyes
I don't even know of anyone that has the name Jon. But I've always thought it was a wonderful name. I call him Jonny sometimes too.

Sometimes I will give my cats people names. There's FionaMaria, and Max.

But mostly I try to think of funny ones too. It makes them extra special. I have a cat named Pickles and one named Booger. etc. Booger is an amazing cat you don't see many like him out there. He is really rare. Which gives me the idea to write in the other post I wrote.

You know what's crazy ? I've heard of Doogie Howser but never seen anything that he was in yet. Now you just gave me the idea to go look the show up and check it out. lol