im dying and no one cares

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Apr 14, 2015 12:23 am

I hope that nobody minds I guess I just needed to write some things this evening.

Did you know that sometimes you can hear rain coming miles before it even gets to you ? It comes in like a quiet whisper rushing softly like the wind or the soft shushing, lullaby of the waves on the ocean.. slowly getting louder and louder . You can even see it like a veiling mist blanketing the hills getting closer and closer....

Tonight I felt like I was sitting in between two worlds. Part of the sky was just starting to break out in stars and off towards the other side clouds with rain were building as darkness rolled in.

Here under a blanket of dark blue and black velvet sky I can watch the very first of the stars come out. Off to the west where nothing was suddenly comes a small shining , sparkling light shining out of the growing darkness. Soon it's joined by several others.

Out here the rest of the whole world seems a million miles away. I love the way the air just before a rain sometimes carries that cool warmth feeling. It tickles my skin and plays in my hair. I can pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. I can pretend that I'm not always hurting so bad.

I can pretend that cancer scares don't exist and the pain of not being able to ever know what it feels like to hold my own child. I can pretend that people like Angie and her husband Aaron and their friend Vicki never shattered my trust in people. I can pretend that I don't even want people around me because I've finally convinced myself that I don't need people or friends in my life. Friends are over rated anyway.

One thing I can't convince myself yet is how to hide the pain of not having someone that loves me. I've always been a romantic. The kind of girl that very rarely falls in love ... but when I do it's like the love you find between the pages of a book of a fairy tale. And it's always for forever.

Like a night like tonight , it would be so perfect to have someone just hold me close , so close that I could lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat and I could feel him breathing. The kind of guy that wouldn't mind dancing in the rain and wouldn't care if I told him I loved him every single day.


But I'm trying ... I'm trying as hard as I can... and someday I know I will convince myself that I just don't care about that either.

I don't believe in suicide but I feel like if ever reach the day where life throws any more huge punches at me....... I don't think I will be able to resist fighting against it. I don't ever want to die but when you live a life with only a half a heart left sometimes it's easier to just give up ... than to keep trying to fight.

What does it really matter anyway when you already hurt so bad you feel like your dead anyway.

The only positive side of dying is your in a place where nothing can ever hurt you again.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

100footpole
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Postby 100footpole » Wed Apr 15, 2015 11:18 am

Star,

You write beautifully. As a closet romantic I can't help but think that your prince is out there.

I've had nights like you described

it would be so perfect to have someone just hold me close , so close that I could lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat and I could feel him breathing. The kind of guy that wouldn't mind dancing in the rain and wouldn't care if I told him I loved him every single day.


But most time with my wife is spent on the mundane. I've been corresponding a lot with my college room mate from 40 years ago. His wife is scheduled to have a hip replacement in early summer. We talk about how hard it is to simply empathize with our wives. We love them, but as GUYS we simply want to JUST DO IT. I'm not sure if any of the four of us would dance in the rain, although we all have stories about how the rain doesn't matter ...

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Apr 15, 2015 11:33 pm

I would not only do something as rare as slow dance in the rain but I would also want to find a place where on some special nights I could fall asleep in someone's arms right underneath the stars and on other days walk hand in hand barefoot along the ocean so we could see the sun right before it disappeared into the sea. With only the sound of the waves in our ears and his smile in front of my eyes.

Every single day I would tell the how beautiful they were to me. Someone that wouldn't care or get tired or annoyed at me if I told them how much I loved them on a daily basis.

Someone that I could take his hand and place it on my chest and let his fingers feel the gentle rhythm of my heart beating , knowing that he was the only person in the world that it beats for.

Someone that knows the other inside and out. Someone you can finish each others sentences and can know what the other thinks about without even saying a word.

Someone that isn't just half of your heart but half of your soul. Someone you can't imagine life without them. Someone you can tell anything to.


Someone that understands and knows what real sacrifice for love is all about.

Maybe " he" is out there but I'm just too damn tired to keep that dream alive.

In my mind I'm fighting a constant battle of just swallowing a bunch of pills and giving in to everything that's trying to pull me down.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Apr 30, 2015 11:29 pm

This morning I came so close to taking a bunch of pills. For one brief moment the hurt was so bad that I couldn't see or think of anything else. I even started to get up to get the bottle but somehow miraculously stopped at the last minute.

I think about people who couldn't find the strength to stop and I wonder if I'll ever think about it again and next time lose the strength I had this morning.

I wish I had someone to hold me. I wish I knew what it felt like to be safe in someone's arms. A person needs to know what that feels like at least once in their life. Sometimes I dream of what that must feel like.

Sometimes in the middle of the night I'll wake up and face an empty bedroom full of darkness and I'll roll my pillow up under my head and close my eyes again and pretend it's someone's shoulder and that I'm not really all alone.

Maybe that's how everything ends, when you hurt so much you start dying from the inside while your still alive .... until one day there is nothing left inside of you worth holding on to anymore and you make that choice to just go to sleep and never wake up again.

Where I live it's now spring and the leaves of the trees are starting to cover everything. There is a place where I can sit on my front porch and see the highway , way off in the distance. The headlights of the cars in the dark night are like two shiny far off spots of light. In a couple weeks the leaves will completely cover the highway from being seen.... Natures way of shutting us country folk off from the outside world ... and that is fine with me because out there only lays more pain.

I like it when the wind blows because I can let my hair down and watch the wind blow it around my shoulders and face. It's long and dark and black as a moonless summer night , but when the bright sunlight hits it , you can see streaks of light brown. It tickles my skin and dances in every breath of the breeze. I'm always afraid of losing it so this memory I want to experience and hold close to me for as long as I possibly can.

There is another stray cat around here. She is blind in one eye and has what looks like inflammation in the other but she won't let me hold or touch her. If I could I would hold her and never let her go. We are both kind of lost in this world , both kicked around by life too many times and just give up on trust or new beginnings.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sat May 23, 2015 10:45 pm

I think if I keep writing here it will help me find a reason to keep holding on to life. I don't know what to write about all I know is I have to keep writing , writing in a way is like my sword that I use to cut through all the hurt that I feel.... So here I go.

Today I sat outside in the sunshine and felt how nice the warm sun felt on my face and I watched the butterflies fly in the tall grasses of the field here. We are going into summer and the grass in the fields are getting so tall they stand up to your hips if you walk in them. You can take a blanket out and lay down in the middle of them and just lay there watching the big , puffy clouds in the bright blue sky and I can make shapes out of the clouds as they pass over me. I see mountains and ships sailing and sometimes mystical shapes. I love the way the earth smells all warm and sweet and birds fly by above me their wings outstretched soaring on the breeze.

They will dip so low sometimes you can almost touch them if your quiet enough....and then they are gone in an instant flying so high sometimes you think they touch Heaven.

At evening the birds are replaced by fireflies and the moon shining down on me is like my best friend because it's the one thing that I know never leaves me. It always comes back. It sits in the big black sky and shines down on all that it touches.

If I were a painter I could paint the most beautiful pictures of what I see but I can only paint them now by the words in my heart.

Sometimes I think it was a mistake that I am even here. They say everyone is born for a reason but so much of my life all I've ever known was pain and loneliness.

I wonder if it's possible for a person to really die from a broken heart ? When one day comes from your body being so exhausted from hurting so much you just lay down to go to sleep and you never wake up again.

Sometimes when I'm sitting outside and it's quiet I see deer walk up from the creek path and eat from the bird feeder. They are so used to me that they know I don't mean them any harm. They will stand there with their big , dark beautiful eyes and watch me just like I watch them.

Sometimes I imagine what it must like to be free as they are and I wish I could be one of them. I love to watch how they walk. Every step they take holds such gentleness and grace. They move as sleek and beautiful as shadows dancing across the ground. I think about all the wonderful things in nature they get to see everyday. No cares , no worries all they do is exist is in such peace and harmony. If only the world had a heart like the heart of an animal what a fantastic place the world would be.

Sometimes I think about death and what it must really be like to die. Do you just fade away like when you blow out the flame of a candle never to" be" ever again.... Or is there life after like in reincarnation where we are free start our lives all over again free from the pain and burdens of our last life.... or do we go to Heaven like so many think. No one truly knows.

I'm really tired...... I don't know what else to write I guess...
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 10:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

porcupine
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Postby porcupine » Sun May 24, 2015 7:45 am

If you commited suicide, what would happen to your cats? Try to get the stray cat tame by feeding and talking to it, so you can treat the eye. That will give you something to focus on. They are worth living for. If you end your life, you will miss out on your surroundings. All the things in nature, like the deer. This should give you a reason to hang on.

If you wake in the night, try to do something. Even if it's just a crossword or something. You say there's some nasty people online, but unfortunately they are in real life as well. So it's best to be wary of that. Sometimes people prey on vulnerable, lonely people. I hope you find someone who doesn't prey on you, but it's better not to be too trusting. I've found people have tried to prey on me many times. They mistake my anxiety and depression for weakness. I hate all the ulterior motives. Unfortunately, there are people who don't have a conscience and can't or won't put themselves in someone else's shoes.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun May 24, 2015 9:59 am

Yeah, that's for sure. Those people that I talked to still claim this " guy" is for real and yet all they didn't do anything to really, truly help me when I didn't believe them.

The only thing they did was sit there and do nothing while day after day for the longest time I sat there and suffered. And they knew full well how much I was suffering.

They hurt me for literally years by going on and on keeping trying to talk to me , contacting me over and over again as hard as they could to convince me it was real yet never wanting to actually prove it was.

Maybe they were right......... and maybe the guy is for real. But what kind of guy is he if he just sat there and did absolutely nothing but watch me suffer when he could have very easily so many times really proved he was real ??? If you can help someone why not help them ? And if he is real ... what could I have ever done to make him hate me so much that he just sat there and watched me relentlessly go through all that pain and not do a single thing..........

Then have the nerve to get angry at me because I don't believe him.

I do think about my cats a lot and what would happen to them if I wasn't here. Sometimes I'm still scared though that one day the hurt will be more than I can take and I will just give up on everything.



I don't want to die..... I just hurt so much. I don't think anyone who goes through suicide ever truly wants to die. But God when everything hurts so much you just want to close your eyes and not ever open them again.

I believed in him more than I ever believed anyone in my whole life. You have NO IDEA what those people put me through. There are things they did to me and put me through that I haven't even wrote about on here.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 10:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

porcupine
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Postby porcupine » Sun May 24, 2015 11:24 am

I know only too well, what people can put someone through. I advise you to get as much rest as you can. ASMR videos on YouTube are good. An overdose will not bring you or your cats any peace. It can be a slow and painful death and even if you survive, you could end up with permanent, painful damage.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun May 24, 2015 11:56 am

I know but a broken heart that never stops does just about the same amount of damage ... in a sense it does anyway.

This morning I woke up before dawn and watched the sun rise. It's kind magical in it's own way. There is a deep silence at first ,almost as if nature is holding her own breath.... and then out of nowhere comes the soft sound of birds singing growing louder and louder. And then right above the tree line comes a point of light so small at first and then growing bigger and bigger going from so little until it becomes huge and reaches out and stretches across the whole sky line.

If know where to look you can see spider webs all wet with drops of dew from the night and when the sun hits them they sparkle and shine like diamonds. I wonder how many people even know how to look at them. Maybe for just a small while I'm the richest girl in the world because I have that to see...

I wish I could take all the cruel people in the world and let them see what I see for just a little while. Maybe the world would be less of a harsh place... but then again maybe I'm only a stupid dreamer.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

no_answer
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Postby no_answer » Tue Jun 09, 2015 9:39 pm

Death is so scary because it removes the hope for meaningless life (not yours, but generally) to finally have some meaning. On another hand, if life without meaning has no value, does that mean life has no value at all, by itself? I've no answer.

I'm asking because I'm dying too, just like everyone who is alive is dying from the moment we are born. If you are closer to dying than others, then it is so much more difficult to answer my questions. And that is what really is hurting, I think.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Jun 10, 2015 2:03 pm

I don't think I've ever felt this tired in my whole life. A person can deal with one thing at a time but when your dealing with so many things at once....

When I'm not terrified of cancer and dying in some damn hospital my heart is breaking watching everyone around me having children and knowing that there is something physically wrong with me that I can never have any of my own.

Every friend I've ever loved has turned their back on me or put me last on their list. I try not to think about the fact that I don't even know what it feels like to have a real friend put their arms around me and hug me. A real hug all strong and warm and comforting I don't even know what it feels like.

There is a cat that came here earlier this year. He disappeared for awhile but he came back a couple weeks ago. You wouldn't believe how pathetic he looks. Filthy and so skinny you can count the ribs in his side. He has this black stuff filling up his ears . I think it's a parasite called "Ear Mites" Something must have gotten a hold of him too because there is a huge, raw wound in his side.

But what stands out more than anything is his eyes. They are so sad looking....so lost , so lonely. He wants so much to trust me but he's scared. When I look at him I see so much of myself.

I learned one thing from all the hurt from what those people did to me. And that is to LISTEN.....listen and see what is in front me. To always keep my heart open no matter what. I would never put a person through what they put me through.

My whole world may be falling apart and all my dreams may be dying as well as myself.... but I will never let myself be as closed hearted to others pain as those people were to me.

If I have the chance to help someone in this world , by God I will help them. And I'll be HAPPY to help them. I won't see them as a burden or a nuisance.

If someone ever talks to me I will do everything I can to really listen. If I see someone that is suffering and there is ANYTHING I could possibly do to help them... by God I will help them.

I will always walk with my eyes wide open because I don't ever want to be as blind as these people were to me.

I will never have a day where there is something is right in front of my face yet I don't have the heart or the capability of seeing it.

These people have shown me everything in this world that I DON"T ever want to be like.

As far as me personally, there are some things in life when they happen to you like health scares you basically learn to deal with.... simply because you have no other choice. Sometimes you go numb inside. I think because it's more of a coping mechanism because if you have to deal with it full force you go crazy from the fear.....

And then there are other things that no matter how hard you try you just can't ever deal with.... like never knowing the feeling of a real , genuine hug. And knowing the person who has their arms wrapped around you TRULY means it.

I know one thing though. If I ever get that cat to trust me I will hug him. I'll hug him so close to me and I'll show him something that he has never had before in his whole life. And I'll tell him I love him every day.

If I never get to know that feeling for myself at least I have the comfort of knowing I gave it to something else that has never had it.

In the end I don't know what will happen to me. I still think about sometimes going to sleep and never waking up. Sometimes I want to fight those thoughts of suicide , sometimes I don't...

But one thing I do know is where my heart stands in this world. I don't know if I will live or die , if I'll choose to give up or to keep fighting but I know that nothing can ever take away of who I am deep down inside me. That is one thing nothing and nobody can ever change.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

porcupine
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Postby porcupine » Wed Jun 10, 2015 2:29 pm

I've given up on the people around me now. I have a bit of a chat with them sometimes on a superficial level. Even this has become tiring now. I've just lost interest in trying to be accepted. With my anxiety and depression, the best I get is a patronising half-acceptance. I rarely get asked out and I can't get employment, and it's not through lack of trying. If they aren't going to accept me properly, I don't want to know. It's an insult to not properly be accepted no matter what I do, but having to watch others being included. Good luck with the cat. Hope he's better soon.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Jun 10, 2015 3:11 pm

I'm sorry your hurting Porcupine, Please know your in my thoughts.

God I'm so tired. So tired that tomorrow seems a million years away.

There is a poem that I wrote here in another post on this site. If anyone didn't happen to see it then here it is too.




Someday I'll be a hero
Though tonight I feel so small
I don't need a suit of armor
Just to believe in myself is all
I've seen the heart of darkness
The road I've walked so long
But the tears that blur my eyes
Won't keep me from being strong
Depression is like a war,
That places scars upon your soul
Life becomes the battleground
So lost out of control
If there is a hell ,
You surely must be there
And it hurts when others around you
Don't even seem to care
Each day you see your world
Turning the darkest shade of black
Your lost down that road,
Where you cant find the way back
At times your left screaming
Yet no one seems to hear
And losing your battle with this monster
Remains your biggest fear
So many things we could tell you,
But so few try to understand
That all we are really asking for
Is just to hold on to someones hand
Looking in the mirror , a strangers face is all you see
When you've lost track of the person , you know you used to be
I've lost count on all the times I've been close to the brink of death
Standing on that edge..... with nothing else left
But I know I will keep fighting this depression
Until my last breath


I hope with all my heart that it helps someone out there.

As for me. I'm just too damn tired.

I'm ready to be done and just give up.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

heather.haywire
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Postby heather.haywire » Fri Jun 12, 2015 8:04 am

Wow, I will read all your posts on this topic, they are so beautiful I'm literally tearing from just your last post. I remember when one minute was too long for me to keep living. I have attempted suicide but only seriously once I was ready to go. Well here i still am and I'm glad I lived. It's like you may think or even know in your heart that things won't get better and that nothing spectacular will never happen, but you may be wrong, just as I was when I finally had that spectacular moment in time imprint many good memories, feelings, and sensations into my mind and soul. And from what I've read you have problems making friends...and honestly I've never had any real friends either. I'm a total loner, but I do know that all those fake social circles out there will never experience even a single rain droplet of the storm that produced the flash flood of greatness that I was lucky enough to be swept away by, cleansing away so much of the bad.

heather.haywire
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Postby heather.haywire » Fri Jun 12, 2015 8:26 am

Just realized I was replying to you...hope we can chat more. I've helped many people, that I still check up on and honestly they're doing well. But i know you're sadness, etc goes much deeper. You're not like the ones I've helped, I feel you're more like me. I feel like a hopeless case but helping others gives me joy.


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