im dying and no one cares

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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100footpole
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Postby 100footpole » Mon Jan 05, 2015 4:38 pm

Star,

You bring so much to this forum.

((((())))) *20 * 100 = 10,000 hugs.

I know you feel discouraged. But you are an artist.

Tell us about your animals, make us smile.

Know the love that is reflected from those animals is true. Words come from minds ... but we share the feelings that give those words meaning with animals. Know, also, that just as animals can be our truest friends they can be senseless and mean. We are animals too. Be kind to the ones who can feel it, protect yourself from the ones who can't.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Jan 05, 2015 6:26 pm

Thank you 100footpole.

I swear to God I'm trying to hang in there, it's just so hard.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Wed Jan 07, 2015 12:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Jan 06, 2015 3:36 am

So many times I've said my rescued animals have saved me just like I saved them.

But I need more. I've never had a real friend in my whole life. I've had people who were friendly to me of course , and people I've shared laughs and talks with. But I've never , ever had that one special person come into my life and care about me so much that they promised they would never leave me.

And you know what is crazy ? I've never had anyone outside my family just wrap their arms around me and hold me really close to them and give me a hug that only a friend would know.

In all my life I've never had that.

And right now I would give anything in this whole wide world to know what it was like to have one of those hugs from a friend. I just want to know what something like that feels like.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

100footpole
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Postby 100footpole » Fri Jan 09, 2015 1:31 pm

(((Star))),

I cannot give my wife or my son unconditional love. I have said things to them that I can't take back, yet they are still with me, conditionally on both our parts.

My animals are always there for me. I think humans try, but often we think too much. When you read about heroes they often say "I didn't have time to think." The best that I can do is try not to have time to think, while making sure I don't do anything I'd regret. Once you describe it, its a conditional world.

100footpole.

jvincent
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Postby jvincent » Fri Jan 09, 2015 4:50 pm

I just read this thread from the begining. Along with the smile thread. I was going to post something on the smile thread but realized the story was kinda based on foul language so figured that was a bad idea..

star. Reading your posts I am amazed at how much of your world you truly see. Parts that mean so much to you, most people will barely notice in their lifetime.

You sound like a very kind and gentle soul that sees the world in a slightly different light than most. I just want to say thank you for the stories and views into your world. I am sorry you are going through this hard time without a friend .
I hope you have family there for you.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Fri Jan 09, 2015 7:47 pm

Thank you 100footpole. I've read other posts you have written here and I can see what an amazing person you are. I wish with all my heart you find every bit of happiness you deserve in this life. I'm sorry about the situation with your wife. Your in my thoughts tonight and always.

And thank you too jvincent. It is so nice to meet you. I have seen your other posts here on the site but I haven't had a chance to say hello to you so I'm glad you commented.

I do have family but a lifetime without real friends you can honestly count on is the slowest kind of suicide in my opinion.

The world doesn't seem to be the same as it used to be. I watch the news everyday and the world is turning so cold. True people with good hearts and intentions are getting few and farther in between. And that is a really scary thing.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

summer15
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Location: Canada

Postby summer15 » Thu Feb 05, 2015 6:07 pm

Star...I am brand new here and read this whole thread...I see it stopped in Jan. Hope you are doing better? I know the feeling of just needing a long real hug. I dont know your story and what made you become this lonely but I hope that sadness lifts. Ive been separated for 4 years and I know now the true meaning of lonely. No money in the world can give us that feeling. We need human touch to survive...Hope all is better for you today at least

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Feb 05, 2015 8:24 pm

Hi there Summer. It's nice to meet you. Thank you for your response.

Everyday I feel like it's harder and harder to hang on to life. Never being able to have a child kills me all the time and the constant worry about cancer won't ever let me feel safe. Sometimes at night when I'm asleep I dream of being pregnant I can even feel the baby inside me. I can imagine what it would feel like to hold it , smell it , and see it smile at me. Everyday I see and hear about women getting pregnant around me. Other family members , friends of the family , people on the news. Something so wonderful and I have to spend my entire lifetime of that being taken away from me.

There was one time just for a small while I was happy. I started talking to this " guy" online and I thought he was the real thing. For awhile I truly believed he was real. I let every single wall around my heart come crashing down. All my worries , all of my cares , all of my fears seemed to lessen. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I was so happy for just a small while that I thought my heart would burst from holding so much happiness. He made me forget all my other pain and fears. When I talked to him he made me feel safe. He was the only thing in the world that made me feel safe again.

Then later I found out he wasn't even real. " He " was actually a woman named Angie and her friend Vicki . They even had their family members in on it helping them fool me.

You don't have to tell me how stupid you think I am for letting myself trust someone online believe me I kick myself every single day of my life over it.



I am terrified to trust people now a days. It's a horrible feeling to be so desperately lonely and needing to reach out yet reaching out again is so terrifying. The one thing you need so much is the one thing that your afraid most of.

There are so many valuable things you can give people in this world but your heart is by far the most valuable.



A human heart can be capable of so much. It's the one thing that can be capable of giving you so much life ..... yet also be the one thing that takes your life away.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

summer15
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Location: Canada

Postby summer15 » Thu Feb 05, 2015 8:40 pm

WOW ..your story is definitely a sad one but Its also a strong one. I know you mentioned you live out in the countryside and probably not alot of people to meet. have you thought about moving into a city? Just more opportunities to meet "real people". The online dating thing isnt what its all cracked up to be. Do you work? Do you visit friends? Have you talked to someone proffessional that might help you feel better? I know when I start feeling down I dont want to be around people and I just isolate but that is really worse for me but I know sometimes it takes all your strength to face people. for me anyway. I send you a big tight HUG....

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Feb 05, 2015 9:46 pm

I've dreamed all my life of seeing the lights of the city esp at night. I can sit at my bedroom window and imagine what the glow of thousands of city lights look like..

But as far as moving there I don't know. There is a feeling you get if you live way out in the country. Once you touch it , experience it your never the same again. Like tonight. I looked out my front door and there are about nine deer right in my front yard. A couple are laying down and sleeping some are eating the grass. You don't see things like that in the city.

There are sounds here that once you hear them they stay with you forever. Like the sound of a coyote howling up in the hills , the sound of owls hooting , foxes screaming , even the soft sound of the leaves through the trees as the wind dances from them.

You can smell the earth , you can feel the wind , even the stars out here shine brighter and seem to grow in such big numbers that they stretch across the entire sky and seem to kiss the treetops.

There's no violence here , no hatred no crazy traffic and hectic city life. It's almost a whole different world within it's self. There's a freedom here like no other. It honestly becomes a part of you.

In the summer you can walk down to the creek and close your eyes and listen to the water rush over the rocks you could even go skinny dipping if you want because there is no one around for miles.... and at night the fireflies light up the night with their green glow creating an almost magical atmosphere. If your gentle and patient enough they will let you hold them in the center of your hand and glow while your still holding it.

Watching thunderstorms roll in over the hills and change the color of the sky and come alive is almost more exciting than anything you can watch on tv. How lightning bends and dances through the clouds. I love when the sky opens up and the rain falls and the thunder booms so loud you can feel it in your heartbeat.

Living in the country is as much a part of me as my own heart is. And from what I've seen and experienced on how cruel people out there in the world can be I don't know if I ever want to be a part of that life.

Right now I'm not working and live with my parents. As far as friends where I live I have none , not a single one. There's just no one here.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

kshaw2606
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Location: brighton, england

Postby kshaw2606 » Fri Feb 06, 2015 7:16 am

Hey, ive just joined this site as like you I also feel so alone and like I have no one. But yet I am in a very loving relationship. You should never feel alone and there are people in here who are always about to listen. Im here if u want to talk to someone as I hope other people are for me. X

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sat Feb 07, 2015 2:04 pm

Thank you kshaw2606. It's really nice to meet you.

Love and Hugs always
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Feb 18, 2015 2:37 pm

I'm tired , I'm exhausted and I'm worn out. And the words of this brand new poem that I just wrote keep repeating themselves over and over across heart .....

* * * * *


This one is for the dreamers and achievers who couldn't face their fears
This one is for the weak and the strong who couldn't hold back their tears
Maybe I can find some peace if I just run away
Disappear from everything and anything , even the light of day

Because tomorrow seems as deep as the ocean
And I can no longer see the shore
I seem drowning in this forever darkness
lost more and more

So this one is for all of the lonely
Who face their demons in the silence of the night
Who give up after losing everything
Even though they try with all their might

I've seen so much heartache
that it's become my middle name
Ive fought with this heartache called depression
and almost become insane

I'm crawling on my knees
And just don't give a damn anymore
I'm tired of this fight , I'm done with this war

My heart has been broken , shattered beyond repair
I've given up on believing because my faith is no longer there

Here I am left standing within this quiet storm
And no shelter from the rain
My heart bleeding from injustice , ....... dying from the pain
Sometimes life's unfairness will change you so your never quite the same

In a way it's like fighting an unrelenting war
When you lose anything and everything that you've been living for.

( sorry for venting I've just been having a lot of bad dreams again lately )
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Apr 01, 2015 10:04 pm

Sometimes the hardest choice is to keep hanging on or to just give up on life. When you've reached the end of your road the only thing you can think about is the pain in your soul and legs from walking that long road of a constant broken heart. I love to watch sunsets. I watch them almost every single night. I see the beautiful colors stretch across the sky in their own unique patters It's almost like magic that every sunset is never quite the same. They paint the sky with more beauty than a painter with a brush ever could ... yet now a days I only watch them with my eyes ... my heart just can't see them anymore.

I love to watch the stars in the night time sky too...hence forth my namesake " Star " ... yet the stars in their beautiful, brightness that light up the ocean of blackness of the sky can't even bring as much comfort as they used to.

I guess there comes a time in life where we realize our heart is so broken that it can't ever be fixed by time or anything else. I've been called melodramatic and over emotional but yet the people who call me that have never known what it was like to stand in my shoes and feel my pain. It taught me the painful knowledge of how people judge so easily on what so little they know about others.

I love to help people but I've fallen back on that because I can't even help myself. And now I'm tired, so tired that I don't want to even try anymore.

You know what I wish ?? With all my heart and soul I wish that people could see the inside of others just as easily as they see the outside. As easily as they see your eyes and your face and smile, I wish there was a way people could look right through you and see your heart , your pain , your suffering and sacrifice. I mean REALLY and truly see it. Maybe the world would be less of a cruel unfair place.

Maybe then others wouldn't take advantage of other people , or lie to them and take them for granted..

But I guess I'm just a foolish dreamer because I know that the world will never be that way. As long as people are around there will always be people who hurt others.

And I hate how we live in a world where you have to be so damn careful who you trust your heart with.

When you hurt someone you have no idea the damage you can be causing them. You may think your being funny , you may think your being cool , you may play with their emotions like it's some game but you should realize that " game " belongs to someone's feelings , someone's heart , someone's LIFE. And long after you get your laughs , the pain from what you did lives on in that person. You can go on with your life but the effects of what you do leaves a hole inside other people that makes it hard for them to ever truly forget.

I try not to think about what those people did to me and I try to keep in mind when I meet and talk to new people that not everyone will hurt me like they did ... and I do realize that. Despite a world of so many negative people that we live in there are still some good people left. But like I said before sometimes if a heart is broken badly enough it never beats quite the same again. It goes right on pumping keeping you breathing ... but every breath you breathe is never the same as it used to be.

So where do I go from here ?? I wish I knew. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again or just somehow disappear. I still watch the stars in the sky at night but they don't twinkle and glow as pretty as they did when you see them through the tears in your eyes.

Sometimes I wish I could live my life like a hermit. Far away and free from the rest of the world. Living only by myself and in nature.

People may lie , they may deceive but nature and solitude never does. The sky above you in all it's beauty is the true honesty of the world. The deep blue sky with it's puffy clouds above you never hurts you. A hermit's life may be lonely but I guarantee it's a safe one.

All I know what to say is for all the people out there who lie , cheat and mislead others... please think twice because the person you trying to fool is a person who's heart holds , dreams , love and hope ... and for you to use that against them is one of the meanest things in the world.

I no longer have dreams of seeing cities and the rest of the world. All I dream about now is finding a place far away from the world as humanly possible.

If I had to write a letter to the people that hurt me so much I think I would say this.

" Dear Angie , Aaron and Vicki ... in life I guess you taught me an important lesson. Because sometimes the lessons we learn aren't always the best and come easily. A human's heart is not bullet proof. A person's heart is the only thing in life we give freely to others and that is of pure honesty and trust. A heart holds so much hope. Sometimes a heart can make us who we are , but sometimes it can tear us apart. A heart is capable of saving someone's life. Yet it can turn right around and be the one that takes that life away from you.

A heart is what a person's dreams are made of. It's where hope is born and faith is assured. A game to you is someone's happiness. So please careful when someone opens their heart and trusts you. Because sometimes a person's heart holds the key to everything the person believes in and stands for.

I guess I don't hate you for what you did to me there's too much hate in the world. I just wish I knew WHY. Why people like you do what you do. You had to know how much you were hurting me yet you just kept doing it over and over until it was too late. " ------------

* * * * *

Now I guess it all comes back to what happens to me. As far as I'm concerned I totally give up. I've heard lots of " wisecracks " about how people make fun of others who live their life as hermits but I wonder if the people making fun of hermits ever stop and think maybe a hermit lives the life they do BECAUSE of how they were treated ?? Maybe because the ugliness of the world somehow tore away the very last chunk out of their heart that they had left.



I'm sorry for the long post. I guess saying goodbye is never easy. I've always hated the word goodbye because it is so sad and so final. It's one of the hardest words to say and ever have to deal with.

But for me, I guess this is my final goodbye. I'll be in a place where no one can ever hurt me anymore. And even though saying goodbye is the hardest word to say .. in it's own irony the word goodbye is my freedom from further pain.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:07 pm

Today I went to a place where I haven't been to in awhile. It's a place I like to go in the spring and summers when the weather is warm. It's like a private , secret place hidden away down the field from my home. It's a little clear patch of ground underneath a giant pokeberry bush. The berries are in a variety of colors from green to pink to dark purple/black. The berries are poisonous but they make a wonderful curtain to sit in underneath the heat of a warm day. And from my seat underneath them I have the prettiest view of the land all around me. I can see for miles and miles. Fields stretching here and there and the creek that sparkles and reflects the light of the sunshine down below. I can see the mountains in the distance where far beyond that stretches the nearest highway.

I think this is where I belong. It's where I've always belonged. Who really needs the " outside" world when you have this. The pokeberries aren't in bloom yet but I can see the first of the white flowers that come in spring raise their heads and pop up through the ground. And although the grass is still dull from winters blow in about a month there will be a beautiful sea of dark green as far as the eye can see.

When it's hard to write and express myself seeing this always helps me open up a little. And God knows I'm not the easiest person to open up. I can be pretty cryptic when it comes to talking about my hurt and there's a reason because of that. But I also know that if your ever going to get over your pain you got to face it and the FEAR.

See I was threatened. By the people I've written about on here. They stole a real mans identity and pretended to be him online. They made fake emails and instant messenger names pretending to be him and talked to me. They came online pretending this guy was a struggling drug addict. And completely fooled me for awhile. I remember spending hours and hours night after night online talking to this guy trying to help him. I thought his life was in danger and I tried to save his life. He told me he loved me. We were so close. We told each other our dreams , we opened up about our lives and told each other things no one else in the world ever knew... I felt so safe with him... he was helping me... I was helping him....... until everything came crashing down on my shoulders when I realized I was talking to an "impersonator".

I wanted to report these women but they turned around and threatened me. The first time one of them told me that if I ever told anyone she would " have her husband take care of me." When I didn't back down and was still determined to report them she told me she would sue me for "slander". She said she would sue me for ten thousand dollars if I ever breathed a word to anyone."

Even though I didn't do anything wrong having someone threaten you like that still scares you. And plus I don't have the money to go to court. My health isn't the best and I can't afford a lawyer. So for the longest time I did just what they wanted me to. I didn't fight them , I stayed quiet. And I pushed all my pain and heartache deep inside me. I hurt way more than I ever let on. I even kept denying to myself how much pain I was in. Still though I kept quiet. I never talked about it .... I never went to anyone for help...... I learned the hard way how damaging that can be.

I know everyone is reading this and probably thinking... Okay why don't you just go to the guy they impersonated and tell him. I will do that. I can guarantee someday I will. That's a PROMISE , someway , somehow this guy will know what they did.



I'm not afraid anymore. Of them or of anyone else. Well .... at least I'm learning not to be. Day by day I'm teaching myself to trust people again. I still want to live life by myself. I've seen enough of people and the world to know where I really belong. But at least I don't have to be a prisoner of my fear anymore.

Nobody really needs to comment on this post. I just needed to write this. Mostly for myself to help myself stop being so afraid all of the time.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa


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