I feel pressured as well. It's hard for me to deal with everyday life when deep down I just don't want to be in the world. I didn't ask for a life but I'm forced to live it.
What you could try is living in the present more, and do what you can about your life in this moment. If you worry about the future, think is there something I can do about it at this time then try to forget about it and live for now. How's Casper?
im dying and no one cares
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Pressure is exactly what I meant. I'm under so much pressure myself that I can't help anyone right now.
Like I've said a million times family should always help family. And that is something that I will never stop believing in. But sometimes you can't help a family member when your the one that needs help too.
Sometimes it's okay to tell someone that you can't help them. There is no shame in needing to take time to help yourself. You can't always be there for people. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
That doesn't mean your being a jerk towards anyone it just means your trying to save your own damn life.
My friend was very wrong by what she said to me.
I've even told my friend several times how hard my depression has been on me.
Now do you really think it's fair of anyone to expect me to help half raise a tiny little baby when I don't even know if I can make it through some days ???
See , that is the thing that hurts the most. People who don't have depression are totally clueless about what it's like to have it..... and the people that do have it will never stand any chance of getting better unless people around them open their eyes and understand what it's like to have depression.
My niece is a big girl. She is a grown adult 32 damn years old and she had sex knowing full well she would get pregnant ... and she also got herself pregnant knowing full well she had no realistic way to take care of it. Now she has to take responsibility for that.
I have to help MYSELF right now and if that makes me a " jerk towards " anyone then I guess I'm a jerk.
I'm not good for anyone when my depression is so bad that I think about slitting my wrists or swallowing pills. I NEED time by myself to help get myself better.
As far as Casper I'm really worried about him. Do you remember that wound I said he had on his neck ?? The other night I was sitting outside with him and I could see he has maggots in the side of it.
I read somewhere that maggots can actually help because they eat away the dead and rotted infected skin.... but I also read that sometimes maggots can be toxic too so I have no idea what is going to happen to him.
I'm going to to try to catch him the cat carrier again. Wish me luck.
Like I've said a million times family should always help family. And that is something that I will never stop believing in. But sometimes you can't help a family member when your the one that needs help too.
Sometimes it's okay to tell someone that you can't help them. There is no shame in needing to take time to help yourself. You can't always be there for people. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
That doesn't mean your being a jerk towards anyone it just means your trying to save your own damn life.
My friend was very wrong by what she said to me.
I've even told my friend several times how hard my depression has been on me.
Now do you really think it's fair of anyone to expect me to help half raise a tiny little baby when I don't even know if I can make it through some days ???
See , that is the thing that hurts the most. People who don't have depression are totally clueless about what it's like to have it..... and the people that do have it will never stand any chance of getting better unless people around them open their eyes and understand what it's like to have depression.
My niece is a big girl. She is a grown adult 32 damn years old and she had sex knowing full well she would get pregnant ... and she also got herself pregnant knowing full well she had no realistic way to take care of it. Now she has to take responsibility for that.
I have to help MYSELF right now and if that makes me a " jerk towards " anyone then I guess I'm a jerk.
I'm not good for anyone when my depression is so bad that I think about slitting my wrists or swallowing pills. I NEED time by myself to help get myself better.
As far as Casper I'm really worried about him. Do you remember that wound I said he had on his neck ?? The other night I was sitting outside with him and I could see he has maggots in the side of it.
I read somewhere that maggots can actually help because they eat away the dead and rotted infected skin.... but I also read that sometimes maggots can be toxic too so I have no idea what is going to happen to him.
I'm going to to try to catch him the cat carrier again. Wish me luck.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 11:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Pressure and depression together is like fire and gasoline.
Nobody will ever make me feel bad for wanting to protect myself from more pressure.
Sometimes you have to do things for yourself even though nobody else understands.
Maybe people will think your selfish... maybe people with think your being a jerk....or they may think your being too harsh or even cold.... but your not. Your simply learning to survive.
Depression is an ugly , ugly monster that tries to eat you alive. And if your not willing to stand up and fight for yourself to get better you have no chance at all of ever beating it.
Nobody will ever make me feel bad for wanting to protect myself from more pressure.
Sometimes you have to do things for yourself even though nobody else understands.
Maybe people will think your selfish... maybe people with think your being a jerk....or they may think your being too harsh or even cold.... but your not. Your simply learning to survive.
Depression is an ugly , ugly monster that tries to eat you alive. And if your not willing to stand up and fight for yourself to get better you have no chance at all of ever beating it.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Well tonight it was just me and Casper again. Out there together under the stars. I know in my heart that at least a part of him trusts me. I love how he sneaks up onto my front porch every night and sits there and waits for me right beside my front door. When I open it up he will run down the steps and sit back underneath the steps. That's his little place where he feels safe. I take his food and milk bowls and sit them back there for him.
Tonight I had a cup of hot Chamomile and lemon tea and he had Filet Mignon. Well , not real Filet Mignon it was Filet Mignon flavored cat food but that's kinda the same I guess. lol All I know is he sure loved it. I want him to have the best of everything just in case he doesn't make it. And for one moment I knew I gave him the very best that I could. And that is something that I can carry with me in my heart always.
I really hope that I can save him because if I find myself having to walk outside at our special meeting place and seeing an empty spot where he should be will absolutely tear me apart.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm always destined to be all alone. I sit outside and count the stars and watch for falling ones. I love to lay back the the grass and watch the planes that fly in the night sky. Their lights that flash red and blue are so pretty. I wonder who is in them and where they are going. What that person in them must be like. Are they happy or sad.
And I wonder why is it so hard to find friends that really understand you. People your safe with. Someone that takes the time to know you inside and out. Maybe I'm really and truly meant to die all alone.
But I would rather die all alone than to be around people who just don't care enough to get me. I suppose if you hurt bad enough eventually that pain just becomes a numbness. Your heart which is so broken just lays in shambles yet keeps beating though..... but only for the sake of keeping you alive and breathing.
And I guess it's okay if I die alone. I'm not going to try to make friends anymore. Once you've been let down so many times I think the need for friends basically just shuts down.
It's okay. I have to accept that fact that I will probably die never knowing what it feels like to have a real hug from a friend .... and never finding that real friend that I can open up to about all my feelings and hurt and they not misunderstand or misjudge me.
My heart hurts because of the fact that I will never have that.
But you know what ? There is a lot of things that I do have that so many don't.
I know the sound the wind makes when it rolls over the hills and dances down the mountain sides and plays through the leaves of the trees. - If people would just listen.
And I know that in nature where we are alive to see so many unaccountable number of sunsets that each one is never quite the same. All of them are different in their own special way and color . -- If people would just look.
I know the way the earth smells in the summer all warm and green and full of life... And how in Autumn it smells cool and deep and strong. I know how even in winter the earth smells cold and frozen and in Spring when everything is born all over again and things smell fresh and new -- If people would just pay attention
I know that if you listen hard enough animals will talk to you in their own way. Everything from birds singing to coyotes howling even insects chirping -- If only people would pay attention to what they are trying to say.
See I know all of these things. Why ?
Because I look
Because I listen
And because I pay attention
I just wish with all my heart to God that people would be that way with other people.
Why ?
Because if they did and everyone would just do those three little things , people like me wouldn't have to worry about never finding real friends or dying all alone.
And my heart hurts extra hard tonight because most people in this world are so far from treating others that way....
Tonight I had a cup of hot Chamomile and lemon tea and he had Filet Mignon. Well , not real Filet Mignon it was Filet Mignon flavored cat food but that's kinda the same I guess. lol All I know is he sure loved it. I want him to have the best of everything just in case he doesn't make it. And for one moment I knew I gave him the very best that I could. And that is something that I can carry with me in my heart always.
I really hope that I can save him because if I find myself having to walk outside at our special meeting place and seeing an empty spot where he should be will absolutely tear me apart.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm always destined to be all alone. I sit outside and count the stars and watch for falling ones. I love to lay back the the grass and watch the planes that fly in the night sky. Their lights that flash red and blue are so pretty. I wonder who is in them and where they are going. What that person in them must be like. Are they happy or sad.
And I wonder why is it so hard to find friends that really understand you. People your safe with. Someone that takes the time to know you inside and out. Maybe I'm really and truly meant to die all alone.
But I would rather die all alone than to be around people who just don't care enough to get me. I suppose if you hurt bad enough eventually that pain just becomes a numbness. Your heart which is so broken just lays in shambles yet keeps beating though..... but only for the sake of keeping you alive and breathing.
And I guess it's okay if I die alone. I'm not going to try to make friends anymore. Once you've been let down so many times I think the need for friends basically just shuts down.
It's okay. I have to accept that fact that I will probably die never knowing what it feels like to have a real hug from a friend .... and never finding that real friend that I can open up to about all my feelings and hurt and they not misunderstand or misjudge me.
My heart hurts because of the fact that I will never have that.
But you know what ? There is a lot of things that I do have that so many don't.
I know the sound the wind makes when it rolls over the hills and dances down the mountain sides and plays through the leaves of the trees. - If people would just listen.
And I know that in nature where we are alive to see so many unaccountable number of sunsets that each one is never quite the same. All of them are different in their own special way and color . -- If people would just look.
I know the way the earth smells in the summer all warm and green and full of life... And how in Autumn it smells cool and deep and strong. I know how even in winter the earth smells cold and frozen and in Spring when everything is born all over again and things smell fresh and new -- If people would just pay attention
I know that if you listen hard enough animals will talk to you in their own way. Everything from birds singing to coyotes howling even insects chirping -- If only people would pay attention to what they are trying to say.
See I know all of these things. Why ?
Because I look
Because I listen
And because I pay attention
I just wish with all my heart to God that people would be that way with other people.
Why ?
Because if they did and everyone would just do those three little things , people like me wouldn't have to worry about never finding real friends or dying all alone.
And my heart hurts extra hard tonight because most people in this world are so far from treating others that way....
I think losing the need to find relationships is a good thing. I have reached that stage. Trouble is, the need to find friends keeps coming back. I just remember the times I've tried to find someone and been kicked in the teeth and then I don't feel like finding relationships. Which is for the best.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I know how you feel Porcupine and I'm so sorry your hurting too. You are such nice person I want to see you get all the happiness you deserve someday.
As for me I'm just so freaking done trusting people. I just give up.
I've learned more from things in nature that I could ever learn from people anyway. Like some of the things I wrote about. The sound of the wind through the leaves and listening to the howl of a coyote or a song of a bird. They teach me more than from anything else in life.
They teach me what it's like to feel things way deep down inside my own heart. And also to keep my eyes open wider than they ever have been before. And for me to listen and know things about the world and life that some will live a whole lifetime and never let themselves know.
From now on I'm going to try really hard not to even want or need hugs from a friend. And as far as opening up and talking to people about my hurt ... Forget it. Those days are over with.
As for me I'm just so freaking done trusting people. I just give up.
I've learned more from things in nature that I could ever learn from people anyway. Like some of the things I wrote about. The sound of the wind through the leaves and listening to the howl of a coyote or a song of a bird. They teach me more than from anything else in life.
They teach me what it's like to feel things way deep down inside my own heart. And also to keep my eyes open wider than they ever have been before. And for me to listen and know things about the world and life that some will live a whole lifetime and never let themselves know.
From now on I'm going to try really hard not to even want or need hugs from a friend. And as far as opening up and talking to people about my hurt ... Forget it. Those days are over with.
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grandmablues
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2015 6:56 pm
I joined today simply to reply to your post. I can't offer much in the way of helping your loneliness, but wonder if you have ever considered "writing" as an avenue of expressing yourself such as a novel? You seem to have a wonderful way with words and descriptions and perhaps this could be a way to fulfill something in yourself. I don't know if you can take courses for this online or what, but just wanted to mention that this impression really came through to me when reading some of your posts.
Loneliness is hard. I do wish I had an answer for all of us who suffer from loneliness and isolation. I don't. But sometimes finding an interest to take your mind away from this helps to take your mind off it for periods of time. I do wish you all the best and hope you find some peace.
Loneliness is hard. I do wish I had an answer for all of us who suffer from loneliness and isolation. I don't. But sometimes finding an interest to take your mind away from this helps to take your mind off it for periods of time. I do wish you all the best and hope you find some peace.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Hi there Grandmablues. It's really nice to meet you and thank you. Yes, I actually have a dream someday of writing a book about what those people did to me. I have a plan to definitely do that someday. Guaranteed.
Love and Hugs Always
Love and Hugs Always
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun Oct 11, 2015 4:31 am, edited 2 times in total.
I've watched the video of Casper. I think his wound could be infected. Could you get some antibiotics from the vet? Usually they won't give out antibiotics, unless you take the animal to them. But if you could explain the situation and show them the video, they might prescribe some for you. You could also try local animal shelters and ask for advice.
Be careful with some vets and animal shelters, as they don't always have the animals' best interests at heart.
I was thinking you could perhaps get an antibiotic in powder or liquid form you could put in his food.
Be careful with some vets and animal shelters, as they don't always have the animals' best interests at heart.
I was thinking you could perhaps get an antibiotic in powder or liquid form you could put in his food.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Yeah, he may need some Amoxicillin or "Amoxi drops" I'm going to try to get him some of that.
I couldn't see any maggots in his wound tonight I wonder if maybe he could have scratched them out ? The wound is right on his neck and he scratches it a lot. It looks a little bit better tonight. It's not as full of puss as it was and it's starting to dry out and scab over a bit.
He seems to be in better spirits too.
Tonight as I sat outside with him it was just starting to get dark. I like it. Kinda like Mother Nature is rolling over onto her belly and letting out a soft sigh as she gets ready to sleep. There is a quiet calmness to the air and hills. The sunset was really pretty a beautiful off white background with lots of blue gray clouds with dark pink and purple edges.
And when it got completely dark I wished I had a paint brush so I could paint the view. I would have needed a lot of navy blue and golden yellow and silver.
It was a nice evening. One of the rare occasions when I felt good inside. Casper had a big bowl of Ocean Whitefish and Tuna canned cat food and I sat out with him and had a bowl of homemade blackberry pie. The country folk style kinda way. In a bowl with milk and sugar poured over it. I love our little evening dinners together.
With a belly full of blackberries I watched the moon and the stars come out. When it got really dark there was a small chill in the air that came from the south. As soon as it hit my skin it gave me a happy shiver of things to come. And that's Autumn that is quick on the heels of summer.
It reminds me of the first frost that touches and freezes the grass and the turning of all the leaves to orange and red and Halloween. And when the air is filled with the smell of smoke in the Fall time.
My friend actually wrote me back and apologized to me. She said that she understands now what I meant and how hard depression is on me and how the situation with my niece is making things harder. She says that she's sorry that she misunderstood how serious it was. And she said that she doesn't think that I'm being a jerk.
Casper actually meowed at me. When I came out with his food he walked right up to me and looked me in the eye and let out a really loud meow. It really shocked me. He still won't let me touch him but at least I'm getting a lot closer. He will sit outside all night right in my yard.
I'm still lonely. I'm still hurting but at least I know I'm making a difference in the life of a cat that would otherwise have nothing.
Me and Casper have a lot in common. We're both very desperate in need of love and to feel safe.
I hope with all my heart that I can see a day when both of us are as safe and happy as we should be.
Both of us have been hurting for way too long.
I couldn't see any maggots in his wound tonight I wonder if maybe he could have scratched them out ? The wound is right on his neck and he scratches it a lot. It looks a little bit better tonight. It's not as full of puss as it was and it's starting to dry out and scab over a bit.
He seems to be in better spirits too.
Tonight as I sat outside with him it was just starting to get dark. I like it. Kinda like Mother Nature is rolling over onto her belly and letting out a soft sigh as she gets ready to sleep. There is a quiet calmness to the air and hills. The sunset was really pretty a beautiful off white background with lots of blue gray clouds with dark pink and purple edges.
And when it got completely dark I wished I had a paint brush so I could paint the view. I would have needed a lot of navy blue and golden yellow and silver.
It was a nice evening. One of the rare occasions when I felt good inside. Casper had a big bowl of Ocean Whitefish and Tuna canned cat food and I sat out with him and had a bowl of homemade blackberry pie. The country folk style kinda way. In a bowl with milk and sugar poured over it. I love our little evening dinners together.
With a belly full of blackberries I watched the moon and the stars come out. When it got really dark there was a small chill in the air that came from the south. As soon as it hit my skin it gave me a happy shiver of things to come. And that's Autumn that is quick on the heels of summer.
It reminds me of the first frost that touches and freezes the grass and the turning of all the leaves to orange and red and Halloween. And when the air is filled with the smell of smoke in the Fall time.
My friend actually wrote me back and apologized to me. She said that she understands now what I meant and how hard depression is on me and how the situation with my niece is making things harder. She says that she's sorry that she misunderstood how serious it was. And she said that she doesn't think that I'm being a jerk.
Casper actually meowed at me. When I came out with his food he walked right up to me and looked me in the eye and let out a really loud meow. It really shocked me. He still won't let me touch him but at least I'm getting a lot closer. He will sit outside all night right in my yard.
I'm still lonely. I'm still hurting but at least I know I'm making a difference in the life of a cat that would otherwise have nothing.
Me and Casper have a lot in common. We're both very desperate in need of love and to feel safe.
I hope with all my heart that I can see a day when both of us are as safe and happy as we should be.
Both of us have been hurting for way too long.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
When I first started this post it was almost a year ago. Now "almost" a year later I'm glad to see myself still here. Still here..... meaning still alive because I believe that this post literally saved my life.
When I first started it last year I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. But then I found this place. And it was a place that I could anonymously write about the hell that I was going through safely.
I knew that it was a safe place where I could write about all of the pain Angie , Vicki and Aaron has caused me and yet it was a safe enough place to vent that no one could ever find out about who they really are. So their real identity was kept safe and I could find help for what they did to me. After everything that they put me through , to me they don't deserve any kind of protection.... yet they still and always will have that protection. I will keep them protected.
I'm starting to heal from what they did to me yet I still don't think I will ever be the same again. I'll never be totally comfortable around people again. And I don't think I will ever open up to anyone like the way I did to them.
But I am learning to find my way through the pain.
And that is something I will be thankful everyday of my life. They put me through more hell and pain than they could ever understand. And when I begged them to help me they did nothing but watch me suffer all alone... but I proved to myself how strong a person can be inside as long as you never stop believing and you always find a way to keep fighting.
I don't hate them for what they did. I forgive them. I forgive them because that's a part of healing. I remember times when I would tear myself apart because I never knew if they were for real or not ... now I don't even worry.
My future from here I don't know what will happen. But I know whatever I have to go through I have inside me what it takes to survive.
Real or not what they did to me left a giant hole inside my heart but I learned that there is still life that can be found around that hole.
They were so blind in the way they treated me but I don't have to lose my sight just because they were so blind.
So I'm happy to say I'm still here. I'm still standing and I fought my way back silently.
So I guess that ends this post.
Casper is out there waiting for me. His wound in his neck is healing and he is gaining weight and slowly gaining my trust. Me and Casper are both going to make it. We stand a damn good chance of fighting in this world and we are winning back our life.
When I first started it last year I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. But then I found this place. And it was a place that I could anonymously write about the hell that I was going through safely.
I knew that it was a safe place where I could write about all of the pain Angie , Vicki and Aaron has caused me and yet it was a safe enough place to vent that no one could ever find out about who they really are. So their real identity was kept safe and I could find help for what they did to me. After everything that they put me through , to me they don't deserve any kind of protection.... yet they still and always will have that protection. I will keep them protected.
I'm starting to heal from what they did to me yet I still don't think I will ever be the same again. I'll never be totally comfortable around people again. And I don't think I will ever open up to anyone like the way I did to them.
But I am learning to find my way through the pain.
And that is something I will be thankful everyday of my life. They put me through more hell and pain than they could ever understand. And when I begged them to help me they did nothing but watch me suffer all alone... but I proved to myself how strong a person can be inside as long as you never stop believing and you always find a way to keep fighting.
I don't hate them for what they did. I forgive them. I forgive them because that's a part of healing. I remember times when I would tear myself apart because I never knew if they were for real or not ... now I don't even worry.
My future from here I don't know what will happen. But I know whatever I have to go through I have inside me what it takes to survive.
Real or not what they did to me left a giant hole inside my heart but I learned that there is still life that can be found around that hole.
They were so blind in the way they treated me but I don't have to lose my sight just because they were so blind.
So I'm happy to say I'm still here. I'm still standing and I fought my way back silently.
So I guess that ends this post.
Casper is out there waiting for me. His wound in his neck is healing and he is gaining weight and slowly gaining my trust. Me and Casper are both going to make it. We stand a damn good chance of fighting in this world and we are winning back our life.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 11:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Should you be loyal to people who hurt you so badly and scared you to death ? Probably not. But I've had a lot of time to think things over and I have made that decision to be loyal to them. I'm probably going to sound so freaking stupid when I say this but I still somehow care about these people. Even though they screwed me over. God how messed up is that ? I really did and still do care about them. Knowing they probably relentlessly lied to me and made me believe I was talking to someone else... I still care about them. Am I crazy ??? I don't know ... maybe I am.... but I still do find myself caring about them. That is why I decided to never reveal their true identity.
Caring about people who don't deserve to be cared about.... that's the story of my life.
I've finally figured out what depression feels like..... You know when you carve a pumpkin and you scrape literally everything inside it out and then it just sits there all hollow and empty inside ??? ...... The outside is still there hard and tough but on the inside there's nothing. THAT to me is how I'm feeling tonight.
Tonight I walked out after dark and sat down on a blanket and just sat there thinking. You can really feel the chill in the air at night now. Summer is slowly dying. It's fading out like the smoke from a candle flame when you blow it out. But I don't have to feel it in the air. I can feel it in my heart. Born and raised in the country I can feel it in my blood , in my heart , in my soul.... the changes in the season , in the weather...
There is another stray cat here. It's female I could see her hiding through the bushes down by the fence in the cow field that leads down to the creek. You can tell she is going to have kittens but she won't let me touch her She was just sitting there looking up towards my house with the saddest most lonely look on her face. But she won't let me touch her or even come near her. I worry about her babies when they are born. what will happen to them ? Will they be okay ? Will some wild animal get them ? Will they end up like so many other cats around here wild and always fearful of humans never knowing what it feels like to be loved and wanted ??
Facing the world and all it's challenges all alone is by far one of the hardest things in this life.
I'm trying really hard to get used to the fact that I probably never will get to find a real friend or get that hug I need to know what feels like so badly before I die. I think when I die on my headstone I want written ....
" All she ever wanted was a real hug from a true friend "
Caring about people who don't deserve to be cared about.... that's the story of my life.
I've finally figured out what depression feels like..... You know when you carve a pumpkin and you scrape literally everything inside it out and then it just sits there all hollow and empty inside ??? ...... The outside is still there hard and tough but on the inside there's nothing. THAT to me is how I'm feeling tonight.
Tonight I walked out after dark and sat down on a blanket and just sat there thinking. You can really feel the chill in the air at night now. Summer is slowly dying. It's fading out like the smoke from a candle flame when you blow it out. But I don't have to feel it in the air. I can feel it in my heart. Born and raised in the country I can feel it in my blood , in my heart , in my soul.... the changes in the season , in the weather...
There is another stray cat here. It's female I could see her hiding through the bushes down by the fence in the cow field that leads down to the creek. You can tell she is going to have kittens but she won't let me touch her She was just sitting there looking up towards my house with the saddest most lonely look on her face. But she won't let me touch her or even come near her. I worry about her babies when they are born. what will happen to them ? Will they be okay ? Will some wild animal get them ? Will they end up like so many other cats around here wild and always fearful of humans never knowing what it feels like to be loved and wanted ??
Facing the world and all it's challenges all alone is by far one of the hardest things in this life.
I'm trying really hard to get used to the fact that I probably never will get to find a real friend or get that hug I need to know what feels like so badly before I die. I think when I die on my headstone I want written ....
" All she ever wanted was a real hug from a true friend "
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Sometimes I wonder how much my body can take. I woke up this morning feeling sick at my stomach and restless. When I stand up too fast sometimes I can hear the blood rush in my ears. I know that it has to be my blood pressure and from stress.
The saga from my niece continues. It's really tough. I secretly found out from a pretty reliable source that thinks my niece got herself pregnant on purpose because her best friend is also pregnant and she wants to be pregnant with her.
When I think about it now the facts do add up. When she first announced she thought she was pregnant she says she was only about two weeks pregnant... Most women who don't plan on getting pregnant are at least a bit farther along than only just two weeks when they first know.
Plus my niece and her best friend do practically everything in life together. When my niece found out her best friend was going to have a baby this " reliable " source overheard my niece saying how easy it could be for her to be pregnant too...
So after she says that she goes out there and has sex and didn't protect herself ... AT ALL ????
So I'm pretty sure she in fact did get pregnant on purpose. Which there isn't anything wrong with that. I love my niece and I want her to be happy in life. And if this baby makes her happy that is wonderful. But like I said before she CANNOT take care of this child.
Both her and her new boyfriend work very heavy, long hours every single day. So after she has the baby " after maternity leave " ,,,, she will have to go right back to work. There is no one else to take care of it for her while she and her boyfriend work so she has planned for her baby to be at my house.
She literally planned it this way. Without even asking if it was okay. She just pretty much assumes it's okay for her to do this.
And I can't say no to her. I mean what am I supposed to say. " Gee, sorry you and your kid are on your own" ??? Hell, I can't do that. There is no way I would ever tell a family member that.
I'm just tired. Damn tired and beyond exhausted. I've had so freaking much to deal with lately. Cancer scare , depression , anxiety , suicidal thoughts. I can't help take care of this kid for her. But she leaves me with pretty much no choice.
How cruel can life be anyway ? Here I am struggling so hard because I can never have a kid of my own and she can have literally as many as she wants and she expects other people to do her job at taking care of it.
And how can I take care of a kid when I can barely take care of myself right now ???
I'm only 38 years old. So many years of my life has been ripped a part and taken away from me because of depression. I'll be 39 very soon and more than anything I want to spend the last year of being in my 30's making memories....memories in life that depression has taken away from me.
God I want to be happy so bad....there are things in life that I haven't been able to see , there are places in the world that I haven't been able to go. But how can I do that now when she leaves me with no choice but to help take care of her kid.
Family is important to me and I don't want to let anyone down. But I deserve to live for myself too.
The thing that also hurts is........... when you can't have a child of your own and you have to watch everyone else have that... sometimes you just need time away all by yourself. You need to take a deep breath and step back and just get away from everything.... You need SPACE. It's kinda like the pain you have when you burn yourself. What is immediately the first thing that happens when you get burned ?? You pull your hand away.... pain from never having a kid of your own is a little bit the same way.... sometimes you just need to pull away from the pain and get a break from it.
Everyone deserves a little break from hurting that much don't they ?? Am I wrong to want that ??? Am I wrong to need that ??? Am I wrong to even ask for a break once in awhile ???
Well with my niece you get NO BREAKS. That's just how she is. She's done this before with her other kid she has.
I'm sorry for rambling on and on like this. I know whoever reads this is probably tired of me going on and on about it so much.
I just don't have no where else to go. I'm struggling really hard to save my own life from suicide or having a heart attack from having to deal with so much all at once.
God I'm trying so hard. I really am... but it just seems like the harder I try the more I get pushed back.
I'm all alone. I have no here to help me. I'm slowly drowning. I'm exactly like I said in the tittle of my post when I first started it...
i'm dying and no one cares
The saga from my niece continues. It's really tough. I secretly found out from a pretty reliable source that thinks my niece got herself pregnant on purpose because her best friend is also pregnant and she wants to be pregnant with her.
When I think about it now the facts do add up. When she first announced she thought she was pregnant she says she was only about two weeks pregnant... Most women who don't plan on getting pregnant are at least a bit farther along than only just two weeks when they first know.
Plus my niece and her best friend do practically everything in life together. When my niece found out her best friend was going to have a baby this " reliable " source overheard my niece saying how easy it could be for her to be pregnant too...
So after she says that she goes out there and has sex and didn't protect herself ... AT ALL ????
So I'm pretty sure she in fact did get pregnant on purpose. Which there isn't anything wrong with that. I love my niece and I want her to be happy in life. And if this baby makes her happy that is wonderful. But like I said before she CANNOT take care of this child.
Both her and her new boyfriend work very heavy, long hours every single day. So after she has the baby " after maternity leave " ,,,, she will have to go right back to work. There is no one else to take care of it for her while she and her boyfriend work so she has planned for her baby to be at my house.
She literally planned it this way. Without even asking if it was okay. She just pretty much assumes it's okay for her to do this.
And I can't say no to her. I mean what am I supposed to say. " Gee, sorry you and your kid are on your own" ??? Hell, I can't do that. There is no way I would ever tell a family member that.
I'm just tired. Damn tired and beyond exhausted. I've had so freaking much to deal with lately. Cancer scare , depression , anxiety , suicidal thoughts. I can't help take care of this kid for her. But she leaves me with pretty much no choice.
How cruel can life be anyway ? Here I am struggling so hard because I can never have a kid of my own and she can have literally as many as she wants and she expects other people to do her job at taking care of it.
And how can I take care of a kid when I can barely take care of myself right now ???
I'm only 38 years old. So many years of my life has been ripped a part and taken away from me because of depression. I'll be 39 very soon and more than anything I want to spend the last year of being in my 30's making memories....memories in life that depression has taken away from me.
God I want to be happy so bad....there are things in life that I haven't been able to see , there are places in the world that I haven't been able to go. But how can I do that now when she leaves me with no choice but to help take care of her kid.
Family is important to me and I don't want to let anyone down. But I deserve to live for myself too.
The thing that also hurts is........... when you can't have a child of your own and you have to watch everyone else have that... sometimes you just need time away all by yourself. You need to take a deep breath and step back and just get away from everything.... You need SPACE. It's kinda like the pain you have when you burn yourself. What is immediately the first thing that happens when you get burned ?? You pull your hand away.... pain from never having a kid of your own is a little bit the same way.... sometimes you just need to pull away from the pain and get a break from it.
Everyone deserves a little break from hurting that much don't they ?? Am I wrong to want that ??? Am I wrong to need that ??? Am I wrong to even ask for a break once in awhile ???
Well with my niece you get NO BREAKS. That's just how she is. She's done this before with her other kid she has.
I'm sorry for rambling on and on like this. I know whoever reads this is probably tired of me going on and on about it so much.
I just don't have no where else to go. I'm struggling really hard to save my own life from suicide or having a heart attack from having to deal with so much all at once.
God I'm trying so hard. I really am... but it just seems like the harder I try the more I get pushed back.
I'm all alone. I have no here to help me. I'm slowly drowning. I'm exactly like I said in the tittle of my post when I first started it...
i'm dying and no one cares
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 11:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Last night I set outside again and did a whole hell of a lot of thinking. It sure felt like I had the whole weight of the world on my shoulders while I sat there.
It was one of my favorite times of the day when it was just getting dark. I could see the moon rising up all huge and glowing shiny white. A welcoming , comforting light when everything else around me seems so dark. I seen a jet plane fly not too far away from the moon. It had a huge white stream of smoke coming out behind it leaving a puffy trail across the sky. From where I was sitting looking up it looked much closer to the moon than what it really was. And the colors of the twinkling lights from the plane was so beautiful in comparison to the moons glow.
Being in depression is like a hamster running around in a wheel... the harder you try to get somewhere you never do... you just keep going around and around in circles.
I love my niece but I can't help but be furious with her right now. If your not ready to handle the full responsibility that comes with a child then you shouldn't expect someone else to do it for you. And it's very , very unfair to put that pressure on someone who isn't emotionally ready.
When she wants something she just does it.... she never considers or thinks about the outcome of her actions. And when she gets herself in over her head or is in messes she always expects people to immediately come and bail her out.
And right now it is so cruel for me because I have to be stronger than what I'm ready to be... but I'm going to try as hard as I can to be that strong.
I've also been thinking about those people online that made me so afraid to trust other people.
When I first started talking to them I thought for sure I found someone that I could love forever. Someone that I was finally safe with... someone that would take all of my loneliness away forever. And when I died I wouldn't have to be all alone. And I would finally find that hug I have needed to find all my life.
I've seen people in life wish for many things. To win the lottery , fancy cars , or fame .. but I've never wanted any of that. All my life I've just wished for a hug from a real friend.. That's all.
I thought for sure I was going to find that. And then when they hurt me like they did my whole entire world turned completely upside down.
It's hard to explain on here what they did to me. There is a lot of things that they've done that I haven't written on here.... there is also a lot more to the story than what I've explained... so I'm sure it's very hard for anyone who is reading this to entirely understand everything they have done or what they have put me through.
I still deep down in my heart don't believe they are who they claimed to be... I still think they stole someone's identity. Because I believe the man they are claiming to be has a more beautiful heart. And is a good man and wouldn't do the things they did...
Call it blind faith... or maybe I am just a fool.... I don't know. But in my heart that is what I truly believe and always will.
I've thought about trying harder to find the truth.. but I'm not going to do that anymore. If they aren't who they claim to be I only feel sorry for them. But as far as exposing them for what they did I've decided that I won't ever do that to them. They don't deserve any loyalty from me but I have decided to give that to them anyway..........
And that has been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life.
I'm also sorry for rambling on and on about this subject. I know at times I must sound like a broken record. But I've learned more about being strong and holding on to life because I was able to keep writing this.
What will happen to me from here on out I have no clue at all. I wish that I could say that I will be as strong as I always need to be. But I can't. The huge pressure my niece is putting on me and the trust issues from those people is almost crippling... but somehow I still feel the beat of my own heart beating on.
God, I wish I just had someone here to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
It was one of my favorite times of the day when it was just getting dark. I could see the moon rising up all huge and glowing shiny white. A welcoming , comforting light when everything else around me seems so dark. I seen a jet plane fly not too far away from the moon. It had a huge white stream of smoke coming out behind it leaving a puffy trail across the sky. From where I was sitting looking up it looked much closer to the moon than what it really was. And the colors of the twinkling lights from the plane was so beautiful in comparison to the moons glow.
Being in depression is like a hamster running around in a wheel... the harder you try to get somewhere you never do... you just keep going around and around in circles.
I love my niece but I can't help but be furious with her right now. If your not ready to handle the full responsibility that comes with a child then you shouldn't expect someone else to do it for you. And it's very , very unfair to put that pressure on someone who isn't emotionally ready.
When she wants something she just does it.... she never considers or thinks about the outcome of her actions. And when she gets herself in over her head or is in messes she always expects people to immediately come and bail her out.
And right now it is so cruel for me because I have to be stronger than what I'm ready to be... but I'm going to try as hard as I can to be that strong.
I've also been thinking about those people online that made me so afraid to trust other people.
When I first started talking to them I thought for sure I found someone that I could love forever. Someone that I was finally safe with... someone that would take all of my loneliness away forever. And when I died I wouldn't have to be all alone. And I would finally find that hug I have needed to find all my life.
I've seen people in life wish for many things. To win the lottery , fancy cars , or fame .. but I've never wanted any of that. All my life I've just wished for a hug from a real friend.. That's all.
I thought for sure I was going to find that. And then when they hurt me like they did my whole entire world turned completely upside down.
It's hard to explain on here what they did to me. There is a lot of things that they've done that I haven't written on here.... there is also a lot more to the story than what I've explained... so I'm sure it's very hard for anyone who is reading this to entirely understand everything they have done or what they have put me through.
I still deep down in my heart don't believe they are who they claimed to be... I still think they stole someone's identity. Because I believe the man they are claiming to be has a more beautiful heart. And is a good man and wouldn't do the things they did...
Call it blind faith... or maybe I am just a fool.... I don't know. But in my heart that is what I truly believe and always will.
I've thought about trying harder to find the truth.. but I'm not going to do that anymore. If they aren't who they claim to be I only feel sorry for them. But as far as exposing them for what they did I've decided that I won't ever do that to them. They don't deserve any loyalty from me but I have decided to give that to them anyway..........
And that has been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life.
I'm also sorry for rambling on and on about this subject. I know at times I must sound like a broken record. But I've learned more about being strong and holding on to life because I was able to keep writing this.
What will happen to me from here on out I have no clue at all. I wish that I could say that I will be as strong as I always need to be. But I can't. The huge pressure my niece is putting on me and the trust issues from those people is almost crippling... but somehow I still feel the beat of my own heart beating on.
God, I wish I just had someone here to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 11:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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