im dying and no one cares

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

porcupine
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat May 23, 2015 4:47 pm

Postby porcupine » Sat Jul 11, 2015 12:49 am

Yes, actions speak louder than words. My brother's actions speak volumes. I know now, everything that comes out of his mouth is shit. The animals and me are way down his list of priorities.

He said we were going to have a day out, but 'Her Ladyship' (as he calls his girlfriend) wanted to go somewhere. He hadn't seen her for a few days, and was worried. But he's left us to rot for nearly a week. Well, what goes around comes around. If it all goes tits up with his girlfriend, I'm not going to be his sounding board any more.

I hope it doesn't work out. I wouldn't have objected to their happiness if they had shown me some consideration. But what they have done has made me very bitter. If he has difficult times, I won't want to know. He's very manipulative. I dread to think what else he has in store for me. In a way I want him to destroy me, because if I have nothing, I will have nothing to lose, so it's liberating.

I think he will have to come back at some point for his belongings. He will probably be looking for an argument. I won't give him that. He says he feels guilty. Not guilty enough to change his behaviour though. He is just self, self, self.

User avatar
JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 465
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sat Jul 11, 2015 5:33 am

One thing he can't ever take away is your heart. It's stronger than you ever realize and nobody and nothing can ever take that away from us.

User avatar
JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 465
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Jul 12, 2015 12:06 am

Sometimes I think that no matter how hard I try I'm just destined to never get anywhere in life. It's like for every step ahead I take I somehow get pushed back two steps.

Tonight I sat out in my front yard. I like to wait on Casper there. It's nice because it's summer time and everything smells sweet mowed grass and the ground is cool. It's a warm night and there are thousands of stars. There's fog rolling in from the south and if you take a flashlight you can actually watch the thick mist as it comes and swirls around you.

In about a month our county fair will be in town and it's just right over the hill from me. I can sit right here and see all the lights from the rides and listen to the crowds of people laughing and screaming on the carnival rides. It's one of the best times of the year. Bittersweet I guess because Autumn comes quickly on it's heels and the warm days of summer starts to die away.

I know I've written on here how it's been hard on me that I can't ever have kids... that and depression , cancer scare , no real friends has been like a million pounds of weight on my shoulders. I'm struggling but I'm learning to survive... ... but it seems like things in life just keep smacking me in the damn face.

Never having kids kills you... And I'm trying so hard to move on with my life from that. It's a hell of a battle but I think it can be done with a little peace of mind and time to cope with it.... only now I have no damn time to cope with it. The hope of that is pretty much shattered all to hell.

My niece just very recently found out she is pregnant. Which should be something wonderful. But the thing is she CAN'T take care of a baby right now. She broke up with her old boyfriend last September , met a brand new guy and moved in with him in December. Yeah that soon...... Now it's July and she is a couple months pregnant with the new boyfriends baby. She has no plans on marriage. Both her and her " new " boyfriend work like dogs five days a week and sometimes have to both work midnight's on weekends. So when the baby is born guess where it will have to be.. Here ...... at my house. There is NO ONE ELSE to babysit it.

I am trying so hard right now to get my life back together from being so depressed and now there is going to be a baby here right in front of me ALL OF THE TIME ... It's not fair.

Can you imagine the immense , horrible pain from never being able to have a baby then to be pretty much FORCED to have to watch someone else's.

I sat out there tonight feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed that I just wanted to throw up.

And plus I'm frustrated because I'm getting absolutely no where with Casper. He has this huge sickening wound on the side of his neck. I swear to God it looks like something got a hold of him and took a giant bite out of his neck. It's so infected that part of it is turning black and green and I swear I can see little white specks in it which are probably what I feared the most would happen.... maggot eggs.

I tried last night to pick him up and it backfired big time. I set out a cat carrier and put a bowl of milk inside it and some scrambled eggs. He actually went in and I shut the door and brought him inside.. well you can imagine how terrified he was. Stray cat that has never had any human touch he pretty much went ballistic. He shook that cat container so hard and sounded like he was hyperventilating. God he scared me just about as bad as I scared him. He threw himself against the door trying to get out so hard that he had a bloody nose.

I let him sit in there for awhile and when he seemed calm I tried to open the door and gently spray some peroxide on his wound. " weekend here now no vets open " and he burst out the door and ran away and now probably hates my guts.

I felt like just sitting down and bawling like a little kid. I'll never forget the look in his eye. He thought I was trying to hurt him and that breaks my heart.. God I wish he could understand I'm just trying to save his life.

There isn't anyone else in the world there for that cat. And now he thinks I'm a traitor.

I sat out there the entire night waiting/ hoping he would come back and feeling horrible for probably messing up the only chance I had at saving him.

If there is a God up there. I need a break. I just need a damn break to just catch my breath and have some quiet time just to myself to get my life happy again.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun May 01, 2016 11:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.

porcupine
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat May 23, 2015 4:47 pm

Postby porcupine » Sun Jul 12, 2015 12:31 am

Could an animal welfare person get him with a tranquiliser dart or maybe try to trap him in a shed or somewhere and put sedative in his food? I've heard valerian sprinkled where they go or catnip might calm him down a bit. I've had these types of problems with animals as well, where you can't catch them to help them. It's good to be wary of people, but sometimes it does them no good. Look on the internet for suggestions? Just do the best you can.

With the baby thing, I know it can be so hard seeing other people have something you can't have. I feel like that when I see couples. I know I can't have that as I'm too broken and can't risk it.

I'm dreading my brother coming back now. I wanted him to come back at first, but now he has shown how selfish and wicked he is, I'm dreading it. I'm sick of him bragging about how popular he is. It sickens me. He turns people against me so he can look like Golden Boy at my expense. He's very happy to sell me down the river for his own benefit.

Good luck with everything.

User avatar
JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 465
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Jul 12, 2015 2:24 am

Yeah something sure needs to be done. I will be devastated if Casper doesn't make it. Only problem is he comes so late at night. Like midnight and 1 am. And then usually leaves right when the sun comes up. That's why I called him Casper. He's like a ghost in the dark and leaves when it's day time.

As far my niece situation....... this isn't the first time. She also has a 15 year old son. And sadly her son has spent a huge part of his life at my house instead of with her. For the first four years of his life he literally lived in my house while she lived with her boyfriend.

I can't go through this all over again. She's like 32 years old now she's way old enough to deal with this somehow by herself. Her kids are always welcome here. Always , ALWAYS ... but she seriously needs to learn how to be a more responsible mom.

Hell, I'm only 38 myself. I have so much stress on me right now I'm scared I'm going to end up having a heart attack or something. I really need some time to take for myself away from everything.

I hope someday your brother sees how wrong he's being.

porcupine
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat May 23, 2015 4:47 pm

Postby porcupine » Sun Jul 12, 2015 7:39 am

There's nobody I can turn to round where I live. It's like that game cursed wishes we've been playing. It's like 'Here's the cookies, but they're laced with poison'. It's no good.

I feel like I'm in quicksand and the more I struggle, the further I sink. Maybe it's a sign to let go but what about my animals? Who do I trust to look after them?

I feel like people around me are hanging round me with shovels, waiting to dig my grave. Waiting to see what they can get out of it. I don't have much, but people try to scam me over 1 or 2 pounds. They would take the last penny off my corpse.

There was a woman in town, who I used to give money to because she was homeless. I would give her the odd pound here and there and we would chat a bit. Then one day at the bus stop, she said she hadn't got enough money to get home. I knew she was lying because of the snidey look on her face, so I told her I hadn't got any. She then got the bus and already had a ticket. I haven't given her a penny since, so she lost out by being petty and sly. If someone is good with you, you shouldn't kick them in the teeth.

I struggle financially as well. There's been times where I've lived on a few teaspoons of margarine. We aren't always going to be part of the physical world, with all it's pettiness and greed. In the end, we all know what we've done.


Good luck with Casper and everything.

User avatar
JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 465
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Jul 12, 2015 7:52 pm

I'm really sorry that woman took advantage of you like that. You have a good heart Porcupine. Someday somehow I know you will find all the happiness that you deserve. I really believe that.

People are tough to deal with sometimes. I know that my niece's son sure can be. I swear I think it's because of niece's lifestyle. The poor kid has been bounced around and around by my niece so much. From boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend and she's always put him last on her list for a very long time. He's a hard kid to love. For as long as I can remember he's been the meanest kid that I've ever seen. Loud , rude and overbearing. He has no clue how to talk nicely to anyone... anyone at all. Other kids his age , adults and even family members. He's been in trouble with a probation officer twice ... He hates my cats and is always threatening to kick them in the head or throw them over the fence. That is one thing I CANNOT stand.

I feel so horrible saying this and I hope that no one thinks that I'm a terrible person or anything but I was actually counting the days until he was old enough just so he didn't need a babysitter anymore... And now my niece has gotten herself pregnant AGAIN.

My niece says now she wants a girl really bad... She says girls are a lot "calmer". We'll see I guess. But still , she really needs to get her life together.

I know everyone has a right to live their life the way they want but when you force someone else to watch your kid it's not fair. If she wanted a baby that is awesome but you should WAIT until your at least married and have some way to take care of the kid yourself. If both parents are so busy they don't have time to take care of a baby you shouldn't force someone else to take care of it for you.

I couldn't do what she did. She meets a brand new guy and moves in with him after only four months ??? And then only a few short months later gets pregnant. As far as I know she isn't even planning to marry this guy anytime soon or maybe not at all. When she had my nephew she broke up with his dad 6 months after he was born and he's lived in my house on and off pretty much throughout his whole life. I worry if she breaks up with this boyfriend is the kid going to have to live here again ??? I'm like God here we go all over again.

I'm not saying I don't love my family but God I hope she gets her shit together this time.

And thank you about Casper. I sure hope he will be okay. I'm going out tonight and waiting for him. He doesn't know it but there is someone in his life that loves him so much. I'm going to give him the whole world if I can. I'll keep fighting for him. And someday I hope with all my heart instead of running from me ... he will be running to me.

love and hugs always

porcupine
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat May 23, 2015 4:47 pm

Postby porcupine » Mon Jul 13, 2015 5:07 pm

Be careful your niece's son doesn't harm your cats. My cat hasn't come home. He's done this before. Though I'm worried my brother has come back and done something with him. He says he doesn't harm animals, but his actions don't match his words. He hates that cat.
He goes on about celebrities who have commited suicide because nobody would help them and he's left me to rot. He's told me he wants me to kill myself. He talks about how he hates people's greed over property, then he said his girlfriend has a nice house. It"s near to the town and his work. Loves his girlfriend. Loves her house. He's such a hypocrite. When he said these things, it was like he was trying to convince himself and me he wasn't like them. Really he's just the same. I hate him. I hope he doesn't have his happily ever after, he doesn't deserve it because he's screwed me over in the process.

As predicted, he hasn't paid at least one of the bills. I've got a fight on my hands. I will do my best but the odds are against me. It's no good asking around here if they seen my cat. They won't help. They just prey on vulnerabilities. I am so alone. I'm going to look for my cat now.

All the best wuth Casper and everything. :roll:

porcupine
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat May 23, 2015 4:47 pm

Postby porcupine » Mon Jul 13, 2015 5:09 pm

There's an emoticon on my message above. I don't know what it means. I pressed it by accident.

porcupine
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat May 23, 2015 4:47 pm

Postby porcupine » Mon Jul 13, 2015 5:47 pm

My cat has come home. How's Casper?

User avatar
JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 465
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Jul 13, 2015 6:30 pm

Hey there Porcupine. That's okay. The little smiley emoticon is pretty cute. I like how it's little eyes wiggle. I don't think my nephew would actually physically hurt one. I think he's pretty much " all mouth " if you know what I mean. But still he doesn't need to be threatening and talking like that. It's ridiculous. I think that if he could get his life straightened up he could be a really good person. He has a lot of potential. I still believe there is good in him. I hope someday he changes for the better. He sure can make me freaking nervous sometimes though.

Gosh your brother sounds so awful. Geez I wish there was something I could do to help you. I'm frustrated because I wish there was something I could say or do to help you more but I just don't know how. You deserve a lot better than that. You deserve way better than that.

I'm SOOO glad your cat came home. Thank goodness it's okay.

Casper actually did come back but he keeps his distance. He won't come as close to me as he used to. But at least he's back. Last night I risked life and limb and sat outside battling mosquito's to wait for him. Ugh, I swear those little suckers have it in for me. I think they wait in the bushes for me to come out and then one of them sends the signal for the others to dive bomb me ..... They must think I'm an All Night Smorgasbord.

I wonder if you could file a restraining order against a mosquito ? lol Probably not

User avatar
JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 465
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Jul 21, 2015 9:56 am

I've been sitting out with Casper every night now. He waits for me to come with food. He's still scared of me but at least he trusts me "sort" of He will hide underneath the front porch steps and wait for me to put the food back underneath there for him.

I sure wish he would let me hold him. I don't know if I'm going to be able to save him or even be able to save myself.

Life is just so damn unfair right now. I'm struggling so hard to beat this depression and my niece and her "situation" couldn't have come at a more unfair time.

Why do people let themselves get pregnant when they literally have no possible time to take care of the kid themselves ?? And how cruel is it to force someone who can NEVER have a baby to babysit it for them ?

I need time by myself right now to teach myself how to beat depression. I'm struggling every single day to keep holding on.

I asked my mom if she's heard anything about if my niece was going to marry this guy and she said probably not. I asked her why in the world not ? They are going to have a baby together. And she looked at me like I was a freak. She's like people don't do that kind of thing anymore just because you have a baby.

And that made me feel more sad and alone than ever. It almost made me feel like crying. Last night I sat outside and watched the stars feeling more like a recluse than ever. Is that the way most of the world works now ??

I wonder what happened to the old fashioned love that I've always dreamed of ? When you fall in love with someone it's forever. Someone that when you meet them they become the missing other half of your heart and your soul that you've spent your whole entire life waiting for. Someone that you could never replace , never be without and once they made their footsteps across your heart you would feel them always.

Someone you could tell your deepest secrets to and you know that you would feel safe. And finally in a world that could be so cruel, you feel you finally found your way home.

I miss the idea of when a man meets a woman he looks deep into her eyes and gently kiss the back of her hand. That he would protect her forever. That they would not only be lovers but best friends.

And if something ever happened to one of them the other would love them so much they would refuse to ever love anyone else that way ever again.

I don't think I could ever sleep with someone I didn't love but I know that we are all allowed to live the life the way we want. And if my niece wants to live her life that way then I DO respect her. But at the same time she needs to take responsibility HERSELF for her actions.

I want my niece to do whatever makes her happy in life. I just want her to be responsible for those actions too.

It's not fair for her to drag me into a situation that I'm not ready for. And I'm not ready to help her take care of her kid.

My dream of beating depression is crushed now and my heart is broken.

Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I never will find happiness in life. How can I ?? When every time I try so hard I just get punched in the stomach.

Last night I dreamed I jumped off a bridge and drowned myself. Maybe that's not a bad idea.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Mon May 02, 2016 12:16 am, edited 3 times in total.

porcupine
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat May 23, 2015 4:47 pm

Postby porcupine » Tue Jul 21, 2015 3:25 pm

I don't think you should kill yourself. Try to take one day at a time.

I don't know why people don't adopt or foster more. Your niece could do that, possibly. But people seem obsessed with continuing their genes, when there's so many children who don't have a family or home.

As for Casper, he might become tame in the end. I had a stray cat who was wild at first, but he became tame and is always climbing on me now. I just kept feeding him and talking to him and letting him go at his own pace. They sometimes find it hard to trust people, which is understandable. I feel the same.

Last night was awful for me. I felt so alone. I hope I can sleep through tonight.

All the best, and post on here if you are depressed. I find it helps a bit.

User avatar
JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 465
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Jul 21, 2015 3:46 pm

I don't mind the fact that she has a baby. If that's what she wants I'm happy for her. But the thing is .... there is a right time to have a child and there isn't. The right time is when you are literally ready and can take care of it on your own. She ISN'T and she expects other people to do it for her. She's always been that way.



And the thing is how can you say no ?? Family helps family. That's what I've always believed. I couldn't ever imagine telling a family member that I wouldn't help them. So she puts a lot of pressure on you because you have no choice. And that's not right.

As far as Casper is concerned I sure hope your right. I've tamed many stray cats before but this guy sure is a challenge. I've never seen a cat so afraid before. I wonder if someone's hit him or he was beaten ??

I don't want to give up on him though. I'm just dreaming of the day when he can sleep in my arms at night instead of being outside all alone. The other night as I was sitting outside I heard a huge pack of coyotes up on the hill and it gave me chills right down in my bones. A coyote can kill a cat in a heartbeat. I just hope I can win him over before something awful happens to him.

User avatar
JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 465
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Aug 02, 2015 1:47 am

I always thought that talking about your problems should make things feel a little better but I guess that's not always true.

There is another lady that I talk to online sometimes. We've talked for a little while and I recently opened up to her about my problems through emails. And she wrote me back tonight .......and I guess according to her She thinks I'm being a jerk.

When I wrote to her and explained to her about my niece and her baby. My friend wrote back and told me that she thought I was being a jerk towards the baby that is coming. I guess she thought I had a bad attitude towards it. She acted like I would hate this baby and she called me jealous.

And she couldn't possibly be more wrong.

First of all .... I love my family. ALL of my family and that is something that will never change in this life. Never. I could never think negative or badly of a child. I love people , I love animals and I don't ever believe in hating anything.

I'm just frustrated because I'm having to deal with so much in life , cancer scare and depression. Both of them combined are a huge, tremendous weight on my shoulders and because of that I'm not ready to deal with helping raise someone's child. My niece , after her baby is born expects it to stay here at my house on a daily basis from morning to night because she works so much she doesn't have time to take care of it by herself.

I'm just exhausted and wished that she could have waited for a better time to get pregnant rather than let herself get pregnant when she can't realistically take care of it by herself. And her boyfriend works just as much as her and can't help either.

I never meant that I wouldn't love the new baby for Christ sakes. I just meant that I am in so much freaking stress right now I can barely help myself... I'm just so tired and my niece is putting so much more pressure on me and that is unfair. I never meant that I would dislike my own family member.

This is EXACTLY why I feel so damn alone in this world. When you try so hard to explain things to people around you and people either have no freaking clue what your talking about or they misunderstand everything you mean.

I think that is one huge reason why people with depression feel so damn hopeless because people around them are so blind and judgmental.

Now it makes me afraid to keep talking about things that hurt me. What's the point ?? When you trust someone with all your heart and they totally misunderstand what you mean ??

God am I ever going to meet someone in this world that I can trust and be able to talk to them and they really understand and get me ??


Return to “Your Story”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 404 guests