im dying and no one cares

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Second_hand_Angel » Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:50 pm

Here is something that might help you.

You have permission to rest. Your not responsible for making everybody happy. It's perfectly okay to say hey I'm not doing so well today or any other day and I need a break or I need some space. Nobody has a right to sit there and plan how someone else lives their life like the way your niece is doing to you. Your life is what YOU plan not anyone else. As family we look out for each other and we support each other but we never place more on each others shoulders than what they are prepared to handle. Being family does not give anyone the excuse to literally use the other family member at their own personal convenience. Family also shouldn't make another family member feel guilty when they are going through dark times.

I want you to think about your darkest times , the times where in your depression and heartbreak where you thought to yourself you would never make it through. Something inside you made you make it through. Something inside you brought you through it. You made it to another day. You seen another sunrise. Believe it or not you are a person of serious strength.

Think about all of those sunsets you watched and how you cared enough to come on here and share those things you seen with other people because you wanted others to be able to see those things and have hope too. Several people have told you here that you should be a writer and you should. your words your hope could help others.

I am sure your niece would be perfectly happy if you just sat on your butt for the rest of your life and gave in to every command she has babysitting her child or you and your parents going to the store for her groceries etc etc but you deserve better than that. She's holding you back in life and that is wrong. You said you had physical health problems and don't know how much longer you have to live ?? Are you going to let her rule what time you have left or are you going to spend it doing the things you are truly destined for ???

Stars in the night sky are meant to shine like you said. So stop letting people dim your shine. Your beautiful and your destined for many things. Don't be afraid to stand up to people like your niece. Depression can suck the life out of you but guess what ??? So can people !!

And for those friends online who blew off the chance to know a really special person don't let them dim your shine either. Use them as an excuse to shine brighter than you ever have before.

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Sep 26, 2017 2:09 am

I'm still here for now.

Living my days watching the sunsets turn all dusty gray, ivory and pink and blue because summer is slowly dying giving birth to autumn. The moon this time of year looks cool and shiny while I sit in a lawn chair in my front yard. I can see what I think they call the craters on it's surface that looks like a face they call , " The man in the moon." The chair is all cracked but its still comfortable. Here is another one of my favorite places to sit. I can sit here in the evenings and watch the stars come out. I can literally count them one by one as they wake up from sleeping all day... I can stay here deep into the night curling up in this chair and listening to the sounds of the night wishing and hoping to hear the coyotes talk to each other, and early in the morning I can watch the fog swirl around everything including me and completely lose and engulf me in its arms... sometimes it gets so thick you can't even see the road to my house and its almost like I'm lost within a beautiful real life waking dream...

I hurt inside. So bad. I don't know how to describe it even though I've tried many times. The best way I know how is to say it feels rotten in the literal sense , such a horrible hopeless sense of sadness it feels like my actual insides are rotting away even though I'm not quite dead. Yet at the same time I'm very much alive but nothing what I used to be. It's so hard to describe.

I still think all the time of running away and completely disappearing off the face of the earth to and start life new someplace far away , a place where I can never be found ever again. The sad thing is no one would really miss me. Maybe somewhere out there in the world there is a bus with my name on it. I can pack what little I have and creep off in the deep of night and watch the lights of the bus turning into the night and close my eyes and listen to the wheels of the bus take me away from all of this.

The only solid kind of comfort I can count on comes from visiting an old 100 year old historic building in my town. The building I've written on here a few times about. I spent some of my childhood there. But sadly the county abandoned it and its slowly falling apart and dying piece by piece... I feel especially close to it because we both need saving.

I go there a lot in the evenings and just sit there beside it ,it' s like a beautiful enchanting old friend sitting there. If you could see inside of it you would feel truly amazed. There are curved stairways and balcony's that seem to touch the clouds and picture windows that catch the moonlight and make the shadows dance on the walls. It was built in 1916 and has the original horsehair plaster in it's walls.... It looks like a massive red brick castle. Although my heart hurts because its there all alone.. Stone window sills and brick walls are beginning to crumble in places, porches and porch roofs are falling away from the building, it hurts a place deep down inside my heart... I hope someday it can be saved.. If houses had broken hearts this one would for sure. I've said that a million times.

I see my own heart lost with it somewhere within the dark stairways waiting for the day when someone walks down them again...

I think one of the nicest things that has happened to me in a long time is a lady who is the president of a restoration committee fighting to save the historic building reached out and hugged me. She wanted to thank me because I have been making videos and poetry for their committee to post public awareness for the home. It was a real hug and it felt so nice. And I just thought to myself God this is what I want to keep doing with my life. I really made a difference. The other day at town she seen my mother and told my mother to tell me that I should write books.

I know I could do more if my niece would leave me alone for a little while. Every time I've had plans to do things she calls demanding to babysit and do other things for her instead.. and it's always like that. Ten hours a day five days a week is hard enough but now she is starting on the weekends too. She will even actually call right when I am in the middle of doing things. How can I get over what hurts me if I can't ever have any time for myself ?? She can't take no for an answer because she purposely planned from the very start for it to be this way.

Secondhandangel was right. It is like being locked in with something that hurts you more than anything in the whole world and someone never letting you get away from it.

My mom said her wallet is always empty because she is always taking care of my nieces responsibility's. I still don't think its fair that my parents who are disabled 74 and 80 (and sick) should have to pay for half of her things...I hate the fact she takes advantage of everyone so much and walks around with a huge smile on her face all of the time.. A question I ask myself is why do people who treat others like that seem to be the ones who have everything ?? But then again the answer from my heart tells me they don't have everything. They don't have morals or respect or more compassion towards others...

I've tried to write a little but it's hard. I stumble over my words a lot when I'm hurting. Sometimes I turn all empty inside and have no idea what to say or how to describe things. I'm sorry if this post kind of sucks. I'm just really tired. When I look in the mirror my face doesn't even seem the same anymore. Dark circles under my eyes. I'm just tired and I need a break. I need "me" time.

You know what hurts the most in the world ? I think I have for the most part beaten this depression. I don't mean to say, " Wow !! I'm perfectly awesome now and I don't feel hurt anymore , that's not true at all , but the fear of devastating loss of never beating it has faded considerably . I've made it to the top of the huge , huge mountain. The mountain that I never thought I would ever make it over. But getting to the top is still lonely because there is no one at the top of it waiting for me. All I see when I look around me is an empty space. That's gutting me.

No friends are there to hold me or take my hand. When you go through so much in life it helps for people who understand to be there. No one in my personal life understands. I've tried to talk to my mom who is my best friend and she doesn't understand at all And to the people who I used to see as friends I've become the invisible girl.

I'm still rescuing cats. One of my favorite cats is a cream tabby kitten with long hair. He seems shy and afraid of everything and everyone. I call him Fluffernutter. He has scared little eyes. I hope someday he let's me love him. Maybe someday he will trust me enough to sit outside and watch the clouds change every evening and the stars come out. I can see us sitting there in that cracked chair just watching the moon come up and the stars come out. I hope someday he will sleep on my chest and I can feel his heart beat against mine. I had a cat one time that would do that.

Maybe someday before my time to be alive runs out me and Fluffernutter will catch that bus together and see a world far , far way from this one. Maybe someday at the end of that bus ride will be beautiful places that neither of us have ever had the chance to see before and I will find people who understand and support and love me.

I'm scared now of running of time.

Keep shinning always .... but .... keep dreaming too.....
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Sep 28, 2017 5:47 am

Sometimes I wonder how much a person can really take.

When my niece came to my house yesterday to pick up the baby she stood there laughing because my house was such a mess. There were baby toys and items strewn from one end of my living room to the other from babysitting all day. And she stands there laughing because it was so messy. She never even offered to help clean it up. It's hard enough to put my whole life on hold for her and to have something in my face literally every single day of my life that hurts me the most... but at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and I just want to curl up in a ball and die because she forces me to do something that makes me so uncomfortable, I have to stand there with tears in my eyes picking up piles and piles of baby toys and listening to her laugh because it's such a mess.

I talk to God a lot when I'm sitting outside , he's the only one in the world that I have but it still hurts...

If I completely disappeared from the world who would really care... I'm tired of being used and taken advantage of... I'm tired of being treated like my feelings don't matter....

When did the world turn so ugly ?? ... A place where family members treat each other so unfairly and people who call themselves friends have no freaking clue who you really are and what you've had to go through ? ... A place where when you turn your tv on there are more wars and violence and hatred of other people than ever... Even places online are crazy because all people do is fight and call each other names and attack each other for differences of opinions....

If I took that bus far away where could it possibly take me to find a place far away from all of that ? I wish I knew.

I like to come on here because I have no where else in the whole world to go and no other place to turn to. I like to write about the sky and the moon and the stars and the sunsets because they are the only rays of light that I use to stay positive but it's still hard and its especially hard tonight.

The moon was so beautiful tonight. It had an yellow orange hue... yellow orange.. wow that really describes it good huh ? Tonight my heart can't get any farther than those few words to describe it.....Usually I can take my feelings and turn them into words like poetry but tonight I can't even do that. I feel like my writing is even broken. I'm just so tired of life being like this..

Starlight forever keep shining , I keep telling myself....... but for how much longer ??
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Second_hand_Angel » Thu Sep 28, 2017 7:51 pm

The problem is you Star and no that is most certainly not meant in a negative manner towards you. That is actually a compliment. I said it once and I'll say it again you put up with too much B.S. for the wrong kind of people.

I still say those people Angie and Vicki snowed you over.

You talked to some alleged guy for what did you say ?? Eleven years ?? You put up with all kinds of B.S. from this dude and you don't even know if he was who he claimed to truly be. A guy who offered to meet you in person yet had zero enough respect or cared enough to at least call you on a phone first ? Who seriously does that ??? I say you were a victim of a very cruel online joke. And if he was real this dude was a complete sleaze to put you through all of that heartache and then blame YOU for not feeling comfortable with him or believing he was real. What a creep to sit there and let you suffer for all those years. It's no wonder why you are so afraid to reach out and trust other people online. Or anyone else for that matter. Who could blame you for that ?? These people regardless if real or not are clueless to what they've done to you.

The scariest part of starting over and trusting people again is very slowly putting one foot in front of the other. Just like dealing with depression and anxiety. It's all about baby steps. It's tough and it doesn't happen overnight. But it does happen. I promise.

There is a song I want , N-O , I NEED you to listen to. Reba McEntire - She Wasn't Good Enough For Him. It describes exactly how this Bobby person treated you. IF and I stress I-F he was for real. This guy should be ashamed how he treated you. End of story.

Personally if anyone should get on a bus it should be your niece. And no that is not meant in the serious literal sense , only a bad joke. But in all seriousness there are people in this world that will walk over every single inch of your heart and totally get away with it if you let them. And yes family members are sometimes the worst people to do that.

I don't think there is a single person on this earth who could stand there and say that it is okay with the crap that your niece is putting you through. If they say it's okay then fine let them be the one standing in yours shoes and put up with it. Nothing is worse than sitting there watching your heart literally break in two and people judging you for that.

You have a true gift in life and that is the ability to write. You can make words from the beautiful things you see around you and paint pictures with them. Pictures that people can actually see with their minds. That is the heart of a true writer.

You are quite right when you say the world has turned to a more ugly place but it is up to people like you to put the beauty and hope back into it. If you don't like the world around you make your own world.

There's something to think about !!

Rant over

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sat Oct 07, 2017 2:57 am

Did you know that the man in the moon is an artist ? He wakes up every evening with a paint brush and works with his magic fingers long into the deep of night....

I see them a lot when I'm sitting outside under the stars. I could watch them forever.

Moon shadows I call them. Beautiful dancing patterns of moonlight that leaves patterns and shapes dancing on the ground as if they were alive. I want so badly to describe them in a better way but its hard. It truly feels like something deep inside me is broken. Sometimes the words across my heart run like the wind driven rain across the windows and come so easily but in times like tonight and the past recent nights it's hard to even find the words anymore. I think I just am too exhausted and I've been through too much. It's like I'm watching that final sunset across the sky all beautiful and I'm trying so hard to hold on to that with both of my hands but no matter how hard I try all I can do is sit there and slowly watch it fade away from me forever.

Now that my physical health is getting worse I just want someone that I can count on to be there. That's all I ever wanted. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to have to face that scary walk down a road where I will never get to come back alive from. It's horrible and it's awful. But I guess if its one thing I've learned is life isn't always fair. And no matter how heartbreaking things are you have to somehow find the strength to deal with it and adjust.

When I first started talking to Bobby right before I met him I had been hurt really badly and I told him about it. I begged him not to hurt me like I was hurt before. I don't think he ever really understood. Maybe I really was a victim of an online prank. I don't know. Eleven years though that is a long time.

I'm sick and I'm tired and I don't want to have to start all over again learning to trust people. And plus it's not easy finding someone you can always count on. I'm scared and running out of time.

For me in my heart though I've always felt that when you care about people to have faith in them until the very end.. Does that even matter anymore ????? It should.

As far as my niece is concerned there isn't much I can do about that situation. At least for now. She has both me and my parents in a position where we don't have a lot of a choice.

Maybe in life sometimes you have to accept that some dreams will remain just that.... a dream and nothing more. My dream is that I just want to be safe. Surrounded by friends who I know are real and where I know I don't have to die feeling so alone , a dream where I can live my life and family doesn't take advantage of me or be so blind to my heartaches in life. Dreams like that are more valuable than any gold or treasures. And accepting that these dreams are never going to come true is one of the hardest things in the whole world.

Keep shining I tell myself but in reality no star is ever meant to shine forever. No matter what I guess they always eventually fall. Just make that fall as beautiful as possible. That's all you can do. It's hard to do when it hurts so much.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Second_hand_Angel » Sun Oct 08, 2017 7:33 am

It's sad but some people will never be able to see how unfairly they treated you. Your posts are so heartbreaking. If these Angie, Vicki, Bobby people were for real I wish they could have understood better what it was like to stand in your shoes. You put up with so much heartbreak and continued to care for these people for such a long time. I still say they weren't real Star but who knows maybe I am wrong. However real or not you were treated very unfairly to say the least. Again like I said you put up with too much heartache for the wrong kind of people. It takes a lot of heart to keep caring about people long after they give you many reasons not to. You have a good heart don't let the unfairness of the world take that away from you.

I also wish your niece could be a bit more sympathetic to your situation. She can't keep taking advantage of you and your parents just to get the things she wants in her life. For God's sake, no disrespect meant but you have feelings and those feelings are 100% valid.

I'm sorry if my last post seemed a bit tough but it's wrong the way you were treated. If Angie and Vicki were truly your friends then they would have tried to put a bit more effort in understanding how hard it was for you. It seems to me they only want to see their side of the situation. Sadly in most cases that's how friendships are lost. Misunderstandings. This Bobby person wasn't even realistic on the way he went about proving himself to you. That is his fault NOT yours. He shouldn't punish you for that.

I want you to do something for me please. Be happy Star, find that happiness you deserve. Please don't let all these blind people take away the wonderful light you have inside you. You truly do have a gift that so many people could benefit from. God gave you the gift of being a writer and having a huge heart. With the combination of both of them you the power to change people's lives. You seriously do.

If Angie and Vicki and Bobby want to walk out of your life because they refuse to understand your side of the story then open the door wide and let them walk right through. Your better off without them although I know for awhile it will hurt like hell. I promise you it won't hurt forever.

And your niece ? I'm sorry but God put you in this world for a purpose and that purpose isn't to be her weekly/daily caregiver. Help her sometimes yes but also take time to live your own life.

I can guarantee at the end of the very long road you've traveled there is still light at the end of the tunnel. Somewhere there are the arms of true friends waiting for you. And those arms will hold on to you and give you that hug , the real honest to God hug that you've waited so long to find. Somewhere there will be people that D-O understand your pain and your side of the story.

Just because these people were blind doesn't mean the whole world is.

I hope to God you find the love and support you need before you run out of time. You deserve it. You seriously do.

Keep shining Star because shining is what you were truly mean to do.
Last edited by Second_hand_Angel on Fri Nov 10, 2017 6:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Keystone » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:31 am

I really like your writing style. You describe your environment and I imagine myself there. I have never been able to write descriptively.

I know how tough it can be to not have friends. It can definitely make life lonely.

I feel as though I can relate to your love of the country since I live in the country too. It is a whole other world than city life.

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Oct 17, 2017 9:15 pm

Thank you both.

I've been trying really hard to answer these last posts but it's hard. I've been doing what I always do watching the sunsets and the stars even a few sunrises but it's so hard to find the words I need to describe them. It still feels like there's something broken inside of me. It's like the part of my heart where my light comes from that helps me form the words I need to say is lost somewhere. Maybe that light inside me that always seems to shine is exhausted.

Today is my birthday and I've been wishing with all my heart I had some friends who would wish me " Happy Birthday" but there's no one around. It's difficult to always stay positive. I swear to God I'm trying but on days like this it's extra hard. Not a single person was around. I spent most of the day trying really hard not to cry. I almost made it it through most of the day without crying but tonight I just lost it and broke down.

The other day I sat on my front porch as the sun went down and I watched summer die. It left on a huge long dark cloud that stretched across the sky like a rolling wave over the ocean and shook the trees with it's last breath of warm wind before the rains came. It started as a mist first and then as a steady rain shaking the laves of the trees and bringing down a lot of the beautiful orange and red and yellow leaves.

The wild geese that live near the pond by my house are even leaving. You can see them by the dozens fly over my house in huge V shapes. With my physical health the way it is I wonder if it is the last time I will ever have a chance to see them fly again. So when they flew over my house the other day I did the best I could to remember how they looked in every detail and tuck that memory in the deepest part of my heart where it will be safe.

I think this was one of the loneliest birthday's of my life.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:29 am

I really love this place because I feel safe here....Throughout the whole world around me this is the only place I have to go and I know I can speak here anonymously...

Tonight I took my usual cup of hot chocolate and sat in the dark all by myself in my positive seat and watched the stars for the longest time. I wrapped myself up in an old handmade blanket that I bought from our towns Harvest Festival. It's blue just like the blue of a cloudless summer sky and it's soft and worn from age... It has a piece of yarn torn away and coming loose but I still love it anyways. When I first bought it I found it sitting on the bottom of an old box and it smelled like sweet wood smoke and scented candles from sitting near the campfires and craft exhibits at the festival. . ... This evening was one of those rare warm nights in October where it feels like its almost summer. Indian Summer they call it ....The stars twinkling in the sky and the air was warm on my skin.... Somewhere far off in the the darkness and over the large hill beside me to the southwest I heard a lone coyote howl all by itself. A long mournful howl... if I could by magic I would capture this point in time and freeze it at a stand still so nothing could ever change... the stars would always shine above me.... I wish they could shine forever. I wish the sun could shine forever.

Secondhandangel was right about my way with words could make a difference in people's lives. And it was also right about sometimes how it's okay to tap into that anger.... A couple of weeks ago when our town had it's annual Harvest Festival .( Where they have pumpkin growing contests and colorful crafts and exhibits , flea markets and hayrides . ) While I was looking at all of the beautiful exhibits I took the time to walk over to the old historic home that I've written on here about several times that also sits on the same fairgrounds... My eyes fell upon the sagging balconies and the dark sad looking windows , and I felt a pain in my heart that such a beautiful place and part of our town was sitting there left to die from negligence. So I decided to write another one of my articles to raise awareness about saving the building. And my article caught the eye of the the president of the Restoration Committee and she told me that she was going to take a copy of what I wrote and show it to the County Commissioners of our town... Without that anger I could never have written what I did. So thank you for that advice about anger. And among other things.

I wanted so badly just to have a day ( my birthday ) to do some of the things that I never get the chance to do. To go out , do things anything really, maybe go out to eat , go shopping....... But I couldn't do anything on my birthday because there were things my niece needed done , the day after my birthday I still couldn't , and the day after that I still couldn't , the day after that I couldn't , the day after even that I couldn't .......finally today on a day I thought I got free about 15 minutes before I walked out the door she calls and says she needs a babysitter again... she promised it wouldn't be long.... then turns out and takes all day... So like five days later I still haven't been able to do anything for my birthday because she expects me to do things for her instead...... That topped with not a single friend around me here to wish me a happy birthday I think made this officially the worst birthday I've ever had. It killed me that no one cared enough to say those two simple words to me. " Happy Birthday"

Sometimes it hurts so bad I think I'm on the brink of losing my mind. I put my whole life on hold for my niece and she never let's you get any breaks.

I planned on going out with my mom yesterday and we could celebrate my birthday together. Get something to eat , do a little shopping, get a couple of balloons ... not even 15 minutes after I said that my niece called on the phone and wanted us to babysit.... My mom told her she would rather not because we had things to do... but my niece pushed anyway ...She promised she wouldn't be long but then took all day so I didn't get to do anything today either. So I've pretty much gave up on my birthday. It's not fair though. She honestly thinks everyone's life should revolve around her.. I don' t understand how people who treat others that way always seem to wind up with getting everything they want in life...

I still think sometimes of running away. Packing up everything I own and just completely disappearing off the face of the earth and to a place where I would never been seen again. I'm so tired of being used , taken advantage of and being treated like I'm invisible.

Just packing up everything I own and jumping on that bus late in the night and watching the stars in the night sky swirl by me outside of the bus window. The wheels of the bus taking far , far away from all the people that use me for their own convenience , and treat me like my feelings never mattered , and the people who put me through hell and then hate me because they don't understand what it felt like to stand in my shoes....and those people who were blind on how they treated me.

To Keystone I wanted to comment on your post where you wrote about how you didn't think you could ever write descriptively. I hope that you see this. You can write if that is what you want to do. We all can. Every single one of us as human beings can write. All you have to do is take the time to close your eyes and listen to the sound of your heart. Don't listen with your ears , listen to the beat of your own heart right from the heart itself. It will talk to you. I promise you.... you just have to listen. Our hearts are the most valuable gift in life we are ever given but the thing is you have to know how to listen to them. Feel it. It's there I guarantee.

Sometimes the world tries to take it away from you but don't let it.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Oct 24, 2017 12:33 am

Windy, cloudy nights I do believe are one of my favorite things in the world. Sitting out underneath that big wide country sky and seeing the clouds pass over the stars like dark ships on a stormy sea... you see them for a second and then just as soon as they appear they are gone.

The hardest thing in the world is trying to stay positive when your whole world around you is falling down. But I swear to God I'm still trying.

Tonight I listened to the rain falling outside my window steadily , the raindrops running down the windows and forming puddles , I closed my eyes and imagined way down the hill from my house where the creek runs the raindrops dancing on the water making ripples when they hit the water.... I like the sound the wind makes whispering through the leaves of the trees almost like it has a soft voice of its own. And I like how the rain washes everything and makes it seems clean again.

I just wish things were different... Has anyone ever just sat there and wondered how in the world did your life end up this way ? And you wish more than anything in the world for a time machine just so you could go back to a time when your life so so much better and didn't hurt so much ? But all you can do is stay trapped in the present time.

I just wanted to find real friends that loved me as much as I loved them. I never thought I would have people hate me just because I wanted reassurance and feel safe with them.

I also wanted my niece to be happy living however a life she chooses I just don't want to be literally used every single day of my life just so she can have the things she wants...

I feel like there is a black hole inside me ready to suck out all of the light inside me , a light that tries so hard to shine no matter what. But I don't want to lose my light because that light comes straight from my heart. It's a light that truly does help keep me alive.

There is a story that I found this evening while I was cleaning and going across some of my old possessions. A story that I have kept ever since my childhood. It is one of my favorite stories that I've ever read.

The Little Mermaid... and yeah I know most people when they hear or see that they automatically think Ariel in the Disney version... but the version I am referring to is very , very old. One of the oldest stories that I've ever heard of and was originally written by a man named Hans Christian Anderson all the way back in the year 1837.

It's funny sometimes when you stumble upon an old memory and it opens the door of your heart and you find yourself feeling memories and dreams that you long forgotten years ago. Every time I see this story it reminds me of the innocence of my childhood. Both happy and sad. I remember being so young and being deeply impacted by this story. It's so beautifully enchanting the writer had such a way with words that makes the story literally unforgettable. A tale of unrelenting sacrifice and love.

So if no one on here minds I would like to share it.

FAR out in the ocean, where the water is as blue as the prettiest cornflower, and as clear as crystal, it is very, very deep; so deep, indeed, that no cable could fathom it: many church steeples, piled one upon another, would not reach from the ground beneath to the surface of the water above. There dwell the Sea King and his subjects. We must not imagine that there is nothing at the bottom of the sea but bare yellow sand. No, indeed; the most singular flowers and plants grow there; the leaves and stems of which are so pliant, that the slightest agitation of the water causes them to stir as if they had life. Fishes, both large and small, glide between the branches, as birds fly among the trees here upon land. In the deepest spot of all, stands the castle of the Sea King. Its walls are built of coral, and the long, gothic windows are of the clearest amber. The roof is formed of shells, that open and close as the water flows over them. Their appearance is very beautiful, for in each lies a glittering pearl, which would be fit for the diadem of a queen.

The Sea King had been a widower for many years, and his aged mother kept house for him. She was a very wise woman, and exceedingly proud of her high birth; on that account she wore twelve oysters on her tail; while others, also of high rank, were only allowed to wear six. She was, however, deserving of very great praise, especially for her care of the little sea-princesses, her grand-daughters. They were six beautiful children; but the youngest was the prettiest of them all; her skin was as clear and delicate as a rose-leaf, and her eyes as blue as the deepest sea; but, like all the others, she had no feet, and her body ended in a fish’s tail. All day long they played in the great halls of the castle, or among the living flowers that grew out of the walls. The large amber windows were open, and the fish swam in, just as the swallows fly into our houses when we open the windows, excepting that the fishes swam up to the princesses, ate out of their hands, and allowed themselves to be stroked. Outside the castle there was a beautiful garden, in which grew bright red and dark blue flowers, and blossoms like flames of fire; the fruit glittered like gold, and the leaves and stems waved to and fro continually. The earth itself was the finest sand, but blue as the flame of burning sulphur. Over everything lay a peculiar blue radiance, as if it were surrounded by the air from above, through which the blue sky shone, instead of the dark depths of the sea. In calm weather the sun could be seen, looking like a purple flower, with the light streaming from the calyx. Each of the young princesses had a little plot of ground in the garden, where she might dig and plant as she pleased. One arranged her flower-bed into the form of a whale; another thought it better to make hers like the figure of a little mermaid; but that of the youngest was round like the sun, and contained flowers as red as his rays at sunset. She was a strange child, quiet and thoughtful; and while her sisters would be delighted with the wonderful things which they obtained from the wrecks of vessels, she cared for nothing but her pretty red flowers, like the sun, excepting a beautiful marble statue. It was the representation of a handsome boy, carved out of pure white stone, which had fallen to the bottom of the sea from a wreck. She planted by the statue a rose-colored weeping willow. It grew splendidly, and very soon hung its fresh branches over the statue, almost down to the blue sands. The shadow had a violet tint, and waved to and fro like the branches; it seemed as if the crown of the tree and the root were at play, and trying to kiss each other. Nothing gave her so much pleasure as to hear about the world above the sea. She made her old grandmother tell her all she knew of the ships and of the towns, the people and the animals. To her it seemed most wonderful and beautiful to hear that the flowers of the land should have fragrance, and not those below the sea; that the trees of the forest should be green; and that the fishes among the trees could sing so sweetly, that it was quite a pleasure to hear them. Her grandmother called the little birds fishes, or she would not have understood her; for she had never seen birds.

“When you have reached your fifteenth year,” said the grand-mother, “you will have permission to rise up out of the sea, to sit on the rocks in the moonlight, while the great ships are sailing by; and then you will see both forests and towns.”

In the following year, one of the sisters would be fifteen: but as each was a year younger than the other, the youngest would have to wait five years before her turn came to rise up from the bottom of the ocean, and see the earth as we do. However, each promised to tell the others what she saw on her first visit, and what she thought the most beautiful; for their grandmother could not tell them enough; there were so many things on which they wanted information. None of them longed so much for her turn to come as the youngest, she who had the longest time to wait, and who was so quiet and thoughtful. Many nights she stood by the open window, looking up through the dark blue water, and watching the fish as they splashed about with their fins and tails. She could see the moon and stars shining faintly; but through the water they looked larger than they do to our eyes. When something like a black cloud passed between her and them, she knew that it was either a whale swimming over her head, or a ship full of human beings, who never imagined that a pretty little mermaid was standing beneath them, holding out her white hands towards the keel of their ship.

As soon as the eldest was fifteen, she was allowed to rise to the surface of the ocean. When she came back, she had hundreds of things to talk about; but the most beautiful, she said, was to lie in the moonlight, on a sandbank, in the quiet sea, near the coast, and to gaze on a large town nearby, where the lights were twinkling like hundreds of stars; to listen to the sounds of the music, the noise of carriages, and the voices of human beings, and then to hear the merry bells peal out from the church steeples; and because she could not go near to all those wonderful things, she longed for them more than ever. Oh, did not the youngest sister listen eagerly to all these descriptions? and afterwards, when she stood at the open window looking up through the dark blue water, she thought of the great city, with all its bustle and noise, and even fancied she could hear the sound of the church bells, down in the depths of the sea.

In another year the second sister received permission to rise to the surface of the water, and to swim about where she pleased. She rose just as the sun was setting, and this, she said, was the most beautiful sight of all. The whole sky looked like gold, while violet and rose-colored clouds, which she could not describe, floated over her; and, still more rapidly than the clouds, flew a large flock of wild swans towards the setting sun, looking like a long white veil across the sea. She also swam towards the sun; but it sunk into the waves, and the rosy tints faded from the clouds and from the sea.

The third sister’s turn followed; she was the boldest of them all, and she swam up a broad river that emptied itself into the sea. On the banks she saw green hills covered with beautiful vines; palaces and castles peeped out from amid the proud trees of the forest; she heard the birds singing, and the rays of the sun were so powerful that she was obliged often to dive down under the water to cool her burning face. In a narrow creek she found a whole troop of little human children, quite naked, and sporting about in the water; she wanted to play with them, but they fled in a great fright; and then a little black animal came to the water; it was a dog, but she did not know that, for she had never before seen one. This animal barked at her so terribly that she became frightened, and rushed back to the open sea. But she said she should never forget the beautiful forest, the green hills, and the pretty little children who could swim in the water, although they had not fish’s tails.

The fourth sister was more timid; she remained in the midst of the sea, but she said it was quite as beautiful there as nearer the land. She could see for so many miles around her, and the sky above looked like a bell of glass. She had seen the ships, but at such a great distance that they looked like sea-gulls. The dolphins sported in the waves, and the great whales spouted water from their nostrils till it seemed as if a hundred fountains were playing in every direction.

The fifth sister’s birthday occurred in the winter; so when her turn came, she saw what the others had not seen the first time they went up. The sea looked quite green, and large icebergs were floating about, each like a pearl, she said, but larger and loftier than the churches built by men. They were of the most singular shapes, and glittered like diamonds. She had seated herself upon one of the largest, and let the wind play with her long hair, and she remarked that all the ships sailed by rapidly, and steered as far away as they could from the iceberg, as if they were afraid of it. Towards evening, as the sun went down, dark clouds covered the sky, the thunder rolled and the lightning flashed, and the red light glowed on the icebergs as they rocked and tossed on the heaving sea. On all the ships the sails were reefed with fear and trembling, while she sat calmly on the floating iceberg, watching the blue lightning, as it darted its forked flashes into the sea.

When first the sisters had permission to rise to the surface, they were each delighted with the new and beautiful sights they saw; but now, as grown-up girls, they could go when they pleased, and they had become indifferent about it. They wished themselves back again in the water, and after a month had passed they said it was much more beautiful down below, and pleasanter to be at home. Yet often, in the evening hours, the five sisters would twine their arms round each other, and rise to the surface, in a row. They had more beautiful voices than any human being could have; and before the approach of a storm, and when they expected a ship would be lost, they swam before the vessel, and sang sweetly of the delights to be found in the depths of the sea, and begging the sailors not to fear if they sank to the bottom. But the sailors could not understand the song, they took it for the howling of the storm. And these things were never to be beautiful for them; for if the ship sank, the men were drowned, and their dead bodies alone reached the palace of the Sea King.

When the sisters rose, arm-in-arm, through the water in this way, their youngest sister would stand quite alone, looking after them, ready to cry, only that the mermaids have no tears, and therefore they suffer more. “Oh, were I but fifteen years old,” said she: “I know that I shall love the world up there, and all the people who live in it.”

At last she reached her fifteenth year. “Well, now, you are grown up,” said the old dowager, her grandmother; “so you must let me adorn you like your other sisters;” and she placed a wreath of white lilies in her hair, and every flower leaf was half a pearl. Then the old lady ordered eight great oysters to attach themselves to the tail of the princess to show her high rank.

“But they hurt me so,” said the little mermaid.

“Pride must suffer pain,” replied the old lady. Oh, how gladly she would have shaken off all this grandeur, and laid aside the heavy wreath! The red flowers in her own garden would have suited her much better, but she could not help herself: so she said, “Farewell,” and rose as lightly as a bubble to the surface of the water. The sun had just set as she raised her head above the waves; but the clouds were tinted with crimson and gold, and through the glimmering twilight beamed the evening star in all its beauty. The sea was calm, and the air mild and fresh. A large ship, with three masts, lay becalmed on the water, with only one sail set; for not a breeze stiffed, and the sailors sat idle on deck or amongst the rigging. There was music and song on board; and, as darkness came on, a hundred colored lanterns were lighted, as if the flags of all nations waved in the air. The little mermaid swam close to the cabin windows; and now and then, as the waves lifted her up, she could look in through clear glass window-panes, and see a number of well-dressed people within. Among them was a young prince, the most beautiful of all, with large black eyes; he was sixteen years of age, and his birthday was being kept with much rejoicing. The sailors were dancing on deck, but when the prince came out of the cabin, more than a hundred rockets rose in the air, making it as bright as day. The little mermaid was so startled that she dived under water; and when she again stretched out her head, it appeared as if all the stars of heaven were falling around her, she had never seen such fireworks before. Great suns spurted fire about, splendid fireflies flew into the blue air, and everything was reflected in the clear, calm sea beneath. The ship itself was so brightly illuminated that all the people, and even the smallest rope, could be distinctly and plainly seen. And how handsome the young prince looked, as he pressed the hands of all present and smiled at them, while the music resounded through the clear night air.

It was very late; yet the little mermaid could not take her eyes from the ship, or from the beautiful prince. The colored lanterns had been extinguished, no more rockets rose in the air, and the cannon had ceased firing; but the sea became restless, and a moaning, grumbling sound could be heard beneath the waves: still the little mermaid remained by the cabin window, rocking up and down on the water, which enabled her to look in. After a while, the sails were quickly unfurled, and the noble ship continued her passage; but soon the waves rose higher, heavy clouds darkened the sky, and lightning appeared in the distance. A dreadful storm was approaching; once more the sails were reefed, and the great ship pursued her flying course over the raging sea. The waves rose mountains high, as if they would have over topped the mast; but the ship dived like a swan between them, and then rose again on their lofty, foaming crests. To the little mermaid this appeared pleasant sport; not so to the sailors. At length the ship groaned and creaked; the thick planks gave way under the lashing of the sea as it broke over the deck; the mainmast snapped asunder like a reed; the ship lay over on her side; and the water rushed in. The little mermaid now perceived that the crew were in danger; even she herself was obliged to be careful to avoid the beams and planks of the wreck which lay scattered on the water. At one moment it was so pitch dark that she could not see a single object, but a flash of lightning revealed the whole scene; she could see every one who had been on board excepting the prince; when the ship parted, she had seen him sink into the deep waves, and she was glad, for she thought he would now be with her; and then she remembered that human beings could not live in the water, so that when he got down to her father’s palace he would be quite dead. But he must not die. So she swam about among the beams and planks which strewed the surface of the sea, forgetting that they could crush her to pieces. Then she dived deeply under the dark waters, rising and falling with the waves, till at length she managed to reach the young prince, who was fast losing the power of swimming in that stormy sea. His limbs were failing him, his beautiful eyes were closed, and he would have died had not the little mermaid come to his assistance. She held his head above the water, and let the waves drift them where they would.

In the morning the storm had ceased; but of the ship not a single fragment could be seen. The sun rose up red and glowing from the water, and its beams brought back the hue of health to the prince’s cheeks; but his eyes remained closed. The mermaid kissed his high, smooth forehead, and stroked back his wet hair; he seemed to her like the marble statue in her little garden, and she kissed him again, and wished that he might live. Presently they came in sight of land; she saw lofty blue mountains, on which the white snow rested as if a flock of swans were lying upon them. Near the coast were beautiful green forests, and close by stood a large building, whether a church or a convent she could not tell. Orange and citron trees grew in the garden, and before the door stood lofty palms. The sea here formed a little bay, in which the water was quite still, but very deep; so she swam with the handsome prince to the beach, which was covered with fine, white sand, and there she laid him in the warm sunshine, taking care to raise his head higher than his body. Then bells sounded in the large white building, and a number of young girls came into the garden. The little mermaid swam out farther from the shore and placed herself between some high rocks that rose out of the water; then she covered her head and neck with the foam of the sea so that her little face might not be seen, and watched to see what would become of the poor prince. She did not wait long before she saw a young girl approach the spot where he lay. She seemed frightened at first, but only for a moment; then she fetched a number of people, and the mermaid saw that the prince came to life again, and smiled upon those who stood round him. But to her he sent no smile; he knew not that she had saved him. This made her very unhappy, and when he was led away into the great building, she dived down sorrowfully into the water, and returned to her father’s castle. She had always been silent and thoughtful, and now she was more so than ever. Her sisters asked her what she had seen during her first visit to the surface of the water; but she would tell them nothing. Many an evening and morning did she rise to the place where she had left the prince. She saw the fruits in the garden ripen till they were gathered, the snow on the tops of the mountains melt away; but she never saw the prince, and therefore she returned home, always more sorrowful than before. It was her only comfort to sit in her own little garden, and fling her arm round the beautiful marble statue which was like the prince; but she gave up tending her flowers, and they grew in wild confusion over the paths, twining their long leaves and stems round the branches of the trees, so that the whole place became dark and gloomy. At length she could bear it no longer, and told one of her sisters all about it. Then the others heard the secret, and very soon it became known to two mermaids whose intimate friend happened to know who the prince was. She had also seen the festival on board ship, and she told them where the prince came from, and where his palace stood.

“Come, little sister,” said the other princesses; then they entwined their arms and rose up in a long row to the surface of the water, close by the spot where they knew the prince’s palace stood. It was built of bright yellow shining stone, with long flights of marble steps, one of which reached quite down to the sea. Splendid gilded cupolas rose over the roof, and between the pillars that surrounded the whole building stood life-like statues of marble. Through the clear crystal of the lofty windows could be seen noble rooms, with costly silk curtains and hangings of tapestry; while the walls were covered with beautiful paintings which were a pleasure to look at. In the centre of the largest saloon a fountain threw its sparkling jets high up into the glass cupola of the ceiling, through which the sun shone down upon the water and upon the beautiful plants growing round the basin of the fountain. Now that she knew where he lived, she spent many an evening and many a night on the water near the palace. She would swim much nearer the shore than any of the others ventured to do; indeed once she went quite up the narrow channel under the marble balcony, which threw a broad shadow on the water. Here she would sit and watch the young prince, who thought himself quite alone in the bright moonlight. She saw him many times of an evening sailing in a pleasant boat, with music playing and flags waving. She peeped out from among the green rushes, and if the wind caught her long silvery-white veil, those who saw it believed it to be a swan, spreading out its wings. On many a night, too, when the fishermen, with their torches, were out at sea, she heard them relate so many good things about the doings of the young prince, that she was glad she had saved his life when he had been tossed about half-dead on the waves. And she remembered that his head had rested on her bosom, and how heartily she had kissed him; but he knew nothing of all this, and could not even dream of her. She grew more and more fond of human beings, and wished more and more to be able to wander about with those whose world seemed to be so much larger than her own. They could fly over the sea in ships, and mount the high hills which were far above the clouds; and the lands they possessed, their woods and their fields, stretched far away beyond the reach of her sight. There was so much that she wished to know, and her sisters were unable to answer all her questions. Then she applied to her old grandmother, who knew all about the upper world, which she very rightly called the lands above the sea.

“If human beings are not drowned,” asked the little mermaid, “can they live forever? do they never die as we do here in the sea?”

“Yes,” replied the old lady, “they must also die, and their term of life is even shorter than ours. We sometimes live to three hundred years, but when we cease to exist here we only become the foam on the surface of the water, and we have not even a grave down here of those we love. We have not immortal souls, we shall never live again; but, like the green sea-weed, when once it has been cut off, we can never flourish more. Human beings, on the contrary, have a soul which lives forever, lives after the body has been turned to dust. It rises up through the clear, pure air beyond the glittering stars. As we rise out of the water, and behold all the land of the earth, so do they rise to unknown and glorious regions which we shall never see.”

“Why have not we an immortal soul?” asked the little mermaid mournfully; “I would give gladly all the hundreds of years that I have to live, to be a human being only for one day, and to have the hope of knowing the happiness of that glorious world above the stars.”

“You must not think of that,” said the old woman; “we feel ourselves to be much happier and much better off than human beings.”

“So I shall die,” said the little mermaid, “and as the foam of the sea I shall be driven about never again to hear the music of the waves, or to see the pretty flowers nor the red sun. Is there anything I can do to win an immortal soul?”

“No,” said the old woman, “unless a man were to love you so much that you were more to him than his father or mother; and if all his thoughts and all his love were fixed upon you, and the priest placed his right hand in yours, and he promised to be true to you here and hereafter, then his soul would glide into your body and you would obtain a share in the future happiness of mankind. He would give a soul to you and retain his own as well; but this can never happen. Your fish’s tail, which amongst us is considered so beautiful, is thought on earth to be quite ugly; they do not know any better, and they think it necessary to have two stout props, which they call legs, in order to be handsome.”

Then the little mermaid sighed, and looked sorrowfully at her fish’s tail. “Let us be happy,” said the old lady, “and dart and spring about during the three hundred years that we have to live, which is really quite long enough; after that we can rest ourselves all the better. This evening we are going to have a court ball.”

It is one of those splendid sights which we can never see on earth. The walls and the ceiling of the large ball-room were of thick, but transparent crystal. May hundreds of colossal shells, some of a deep red, others of a grass green, stood on each side in rows, with blue fire in them, which lighted up the whole saloon, and shone through the walls, so that the sea was also illuminated. Innumerable fishes, great and small, swam past the crystal walls; on some of them the scales glowed with a purple brilliancy, and on others they shone like silver and gold. Through the halls flowed a broad stream, and in it danced the mermen and the mermaids to the music of their own sweet singing. No one on earth has such a lovely voice as theirs. The little mermaid sang more sweetly than them all. The whole court applauded her with hands and tails; and for a moment her heart felt quite gay, for she knew she had the loveliest voice of any on earth or in the sea. But she soon thought again of the world above her, for she could not forget the charming prince, nor her sorrow that she had not an immortal soul like his; therefore she crept away silently out of her father’s palace, and while everything within was gladness and song, she sat in her own little garden sorrowful and alone. Then she heard the bugle sounding through the water, and thought—“He is certainly sailing above, he on whom my wishes depend, and in whose hands I should like to place the happiness of my life. I will venture all for him, and to win an immortal soul, while my sisters are dancing in my father’s palace, I will go to the sea witch, of whom I have always been so much afraid, but she can give me counsel and help.”

And then the little mermaid went out from her garden, and took the road to the foaming whirlpools, behind which the sorceress lived. She had never been that way before: neither flowers nor grass grew there; nothing but bare, gray, sandy ground stretched out to the whirlpool, where the water, like foaming mill-wheels, whirled round everything that it seized, and cast it into the fathomless deep. Through the midst of these crushing whirlpools the little mermaid was obliged to pass, to reach the dominions of the sea witch; and also for a long distance the only road lay right across a quantity of warm, bubbling mire, called by the witch her turfmoor. Beyond this stood her house, in the center of a strange forest, in which all the trees and flowers were polypi, half animals and half plants; they looked like serpents with a hundred heads growing out of the ground. The branches were long slimy arms, with fingers like flexible worms, moving limb after limb from the root to the top. All that could be reached in the sea they seized upon, and held fast, so that it never escaped from their clutches. The little mermaid was so alarmed at what she saw, that she stood still, and her heart beat with fear, and she was very nearly turning back; but she thought of the prince, and of the human soul for which she longed, and her courage returned. She fastened her long flowing hair round her head, so that the polypi might not seize hold of it. She laid her hands together across her bosom, and then she darted forward as a fish shoots through the water, between the supple arms and fingers of the ugly polypi, which were stretched out on each side of her. She saw that each held in its grasp something it had seized with its numerous little arms, as if they were iron bands. The white skeletons of human beings who had perished at sea, and had sunk down into the deep waters, skeletons of land animals, oars, rudders, and chests of ships were lying tightly grasped by their clinging arms; even a little mermaid, whom they had caught and strangled; and this seemed the most shocking of all to the little princess.

She now came to a space of marshy ground in the wood, where large, fat water-snakes were rolling in the mire, and showing their ugly, drab-colored bodies. In the midst of this spot stood a house, built with the bones of shipwrecked human beings. There sat the sea witch, allowing a toad to eat from her mouth, just as people sometimes feed a canary with a piece of sugar. She called the ugly water-snakes her little chickens, and allowed them to crawl all over her bosom.

“I know what you want,” said the sea witch; “it is very stupid of you, but you shall have your way, and it will bring you to sorrow, my pretty princess. You want to get rid of your fish’s tail, and to have two supports instead of it, like human beings on earth, so that the young prince may fall in love with you, and that you may have an immortal soul.” And then the witch laughed so loud and disgustingly, that the toad and the snakes fell to the ground, and lay there wriggling about. “You are but just in time,” said the witch; “for after sunrise to-morrow I should not be able to help you till the end of another year. I will prepare a draught for you, with which you must swim to land tomorrow before sunrise, and sit down on the shore and drink it. Your tail will then disappear, and shrink up into what mankind calls legs, and you will feel great pain, as if a sword were passing through you. But all who see you will say that you are the prettiest little human being they ever saw. You will still have the same floating gracefulness of movement, and no dancer will ever tread so lightly; but at every step you take it will feel as if you were treading upon sharp knives, and that the blood must flow. If you will bear all this, I will help you.”

“Yes, I will,” said the little princess in a trembling voice, as she thought of the prince and the immortal soul.

“But think again,” said the witch; “for when once your shape has become like a human being, you can no more be a mermaid. You will never return through the water to your sisters, or to your father’s palace again; and if you do not win the love of the prince, so that he is willing to forget his father and mother for your sake, and to love you with his whole soul, and allow the priest to join your hands that you may be man and wife, then you will never have an immortal soul. The first morning after he marries another your heart will break, and you will become foam on the crest of the waves.”

“I will do it,” said the little mermaid, and she became pale as death.

“But I must be paid also,” said the witch, “and it is not a trifle that I ask. You have the sweetest voice of any who dwell here in the depths of the sea, and you believe that you will be able to charm the prince with it also, but this voice you must give to me; the best thing you possess will I have for the price of my draught. My own blood must be mixed with it, that it may be as sharp as a two-edged sword.”

“But if you take away my voice,” said the little mermaid, “what is left for me?”

“Your beautiful form, your graceful walk, and your expressive eyes; surely with these you can enchain a man’s heart. Well, have you lost your courage? Put out your little tongue that I may cut it off as my payment; then you shall have the powerful draught.”

“It shall be,” said the little mermaid.

Then the witch placed her cauldron on the fire, to prepare the magic draught.

“Cleanliness is a good thing,” said she, scouring the vessel with snakes, which she had tied together in a large knot; then she pricked herself in the breast, and let the black blood drop into it. The steam that rose formed itself into such horrible shapes that no one could look at them without fear. Every moment the witch threw something else into the vessel, and when it began to boil, the sound was like the weeping of a crocodile. When at last the magic draught was ready, it looked like the clearest water. “There it is for you,” said the witch. Then she cut off the mermaid’s tongue, so that she became dumb, and would never again speak or sing. “If the polypi should seize hold of you as you return through the wood,” said the witch, “throw over them a few drops of the potion, and their fingers will be torn into a thousand pieces.” But the little mermaid had no occasion to do this, for the polypi sprang back in terror when they caught sight of the glittering draught, which shone in her hand like a twinkling star.

So she passed quickly through the wood and the marsh, and between the rushing whirlpools. She saw that in her father’s palace the torches in the ballroom were extinguished, and all within asleep; but she did not venture to go in to them, for now she was dumb and going to leave them forever, she felt as if her heart would break. She stole into the garden, took a flower from the flower-beds of each of her sisters, kissed her hand a thousand times towards the palace, and then rose up through the dark blue waters. The sun had not risen when she came in sight of the prince’s palace, and approached the beautiful marble steps, but the moon shone clear and bright. Then the little mermaid drank the magic draught, and it seemed as if a two-edged sword went through her delicate body: she fell into a swoon, and lay like one dead. When the sun arose and shone over the sea, she recovered, and felt a sharp pain; but just before her stood the handsome young prince. He fixed his coal-black eyes upon her so earnestly that she cast down her own, and then became aware that her fish’s tail was gone, and that she had as pretty a pair of white legs and tiny feet as any little maiden could have; but she had no clothes, so she wrapped herself in her long, thick hair. The prince asked her who she was, and where she came from, and she looked at him mildly and sorrowfully with her deep blue eyes; but she could not speak. Every step she took was as the witch had said it would be, she felt as if treading upon the points of needles or sharp knives; but she bore it willingly, and stepped as lightly by the prince’s side as a soap-bubble, so that he and all who saw her wondered at her graceful-swaying movements. She was very soon arrayed in costly robes of silk and muslin, and was the most beautiful creature in the palace; but she was dumb, and could neither speak nor sing.

Beautiful female slaves, dressed in silk and gold, stepped forward and sang before the prince and his royal parents: one sang better than all the others, and the prince clapped his hands and smiled at her. This was great sorrow to the little mermaid; she knew how much more sweetly she herself could sing once, and she thought, “Oh if he could only know that! I have given away my voice forever, to be with him.”

The slaves next performed some pretty fairy-like dances, to the sound of beautiful music. Then the little mermaid raised her lovely white arms, stood on the tips of her toes, and glided over the floor, and danced as no one yet had been able to dance. At each moment her beauty became more revealed, and her expressive eyes appealed more directly to the heart than the songs of the slaves. Every one was enchanted, especially the prince, who called her his little foundling; and she danced again quite readily, to please him, though each time her foot touched the floor it seemed as if she trod on sharp knives.

The prince said she should remain with him always, and she received permission to sleep at his door, on a velvet cushion. He had a page’s dress made for her, that she might accompany him on horseback. They rode together through the sweet-scented woods, where the green boughs touched their shoulders, and the little birds sang among the fresh leaves. She climbed with the prince to the tops of high mountains; and although her tender feet bled so that even her steps were marked, she only laughed, and followed him till they could see the clouds beneath them looking like a flock of birds traveling to distant lands. While at the prince’s palace, and when all the household were asleep, she would go and sit on the broad marble steps; for it eased her burning feet to bathe them in the cold sea-water; and then she thought of all those below in the deep.

Once during the night her sisters came up arm-in-arm, singing sorrowfully, as they floated on the water. She beckoned to them, and then they recognized her, and told her how she had grieved them. After that, they came to the same place every night; and once she saw in the distance her old grandmother, who had not been to the surface of the sea for many years, and the old Sea King, her father, with his crown on his head. They stretched out their hands towards her, but they did not venture so near the land as her sisters did.

As the days passed, she loved the prince more fondly, and he loved her as he would love a little child, but it never came into his head to make her his wife; yet, unless he married her, she could not receive an immortal soul; and, on the morning after his marriage with another, she would dissolve into the foam of the sea.

“Do you not love me the best of them all?” the eyes of the little mermaid seemed to say, when he took her in his arms, and kissed her fair forehead.

“Yes, you are dear to me,” said the prince; “for you have the best heart, and you are the most devoted to me; you are like a young maiden whom I once saw, but whom I shall never meet again. I was in a ship that was wrecked, and the waves cast me ashore near a holy temple, where several young maidens performed the service. The youngest of them found me on the shore, and saved my life. I saw her but twice, and she is the only one in the world whom I could love; but you are like her, and you have almost driven her image out of my mind. She belongs to the holy temple, and my good fortune has sent you to me instead of her; and we will never part.”

“Ah, he knows not that it was I who saved his life,” thought the little mermaid. “I carried him over the sea to the wood where the temple stands: I sat beneath the foam, and watched till the human beings came to help him. I saw the pretty maiden that he loves better than he loves me;” and the mermaid sighed deeply, but she could not shed tears. “He says the maiden belongs to the holy temple, therefore she will never return to the world. They will meet no more: while I am by his side, and see him every day. I will take care of him, and love him, and give up my life for his sake.”

Very soon it was said that the prince must marry, and that the beautiful daughter of a neighboring king would be his wife, for a fine ship was being fitted out. Although the prince gave out that he merely intended to pay a visit to the king, it was generally supposed that he really went to see his daughter. A great company were to go with him. The little mermaid smiled, and shook her head. She knew the prince’s thoughts better than any of the others.

“I must travel,” he had said to her; “I must see this beautiful princess; my parents desire it; but they will not oblige me to bring her home as my bride. I cannot love her; she is not like the beautiful maiden in the temple, whom you resemble. If I were forced to choose a bride, I would rather choose you, my dumb foundling, with those expressive eyes.” And then he kissed her rosy mouth, played with her long waving hair, and laid his head on her heart, while she dreamed of human happiness and an immortal soul. “You are not afraid of the sea, my dumb child,” said he, as they stood on the deck of the noble ship which was to carry them to the country of the neighboring king. And then he told her of storm and of calm, of strange fishes in the deep beneath them, and of what the divers had seen there; and she smiled at his descriptions, for she knew better than any one what wonders were at the bottom of the sea.

In the moonlight, when all on board were asleep, excepting the man at the helm, who was steering, she sat on the deck, gazing down through the clear water. She thought she could distinguish her father’s castle, and upon it her aged grandmother, with the silver crown on her head, looking through the rushing tide at the keel of the vessel. Then her sisters came up on the waves, and gazed at her mournfully, wringing their white hands. She beckoned to them, and smiled, and wanted to tell them how happy and well off she was; but the cabin-boy approached, and when her sisters dived down he thought it was only the foam of the sea which he saw.

The next morning the ship sailed into the harbor of a beautiful town belonging to the king whom the prince was going to visit. The church bells were ringing, and from the high towers sounded a flourish of trumpets; and soldiers, with flying colors and glittering bayonets, lined the rocks through which they passed. Every day was a festival; balls and entertainments followed one another.

But the princess had not yet appeared. People said that she was being brought up and educated in a religious house, where she was learning every royal virtue. At last she came. Then the little mermaid, who was very anxious to see whether she was really beautiful, was obliged to acknowledge that she had never seen a more perfect vision of beauty. Her skin was delicately fair, and beneath her long dark eye-lashes her laughing blue eyes shone with truth and purity.

“It was you,” said the prince, “who saved my life when I lay dead on the beach,” and he folded his blushing bride in his arms. “Oh, I am too happy,” said he to the little mermaid; “my fondest hopes are all fulfilled. You will rejoice at my happiness; for your devotion to me is great and sincere.”

The little mermaid kissed his hand, and felt as if her heart were already broken. His wedding morning would bring death to her, and she would change into the foam of the sea. All the church bells rung, and the heralds rode about the town proclaiming the betrothal. Perfumed oil was burning in costly silver lamps on every altar. The priests waved the censers, while the bride and bridegroom joined their hands and received the blessing of the bishop. The little mermaid, dressed in silk and gold, held up the bride’s train; but her ears heard nothing of the festive music, and her eyes saw not the holy ceremony; she thought of the night of death which was coming to her, and of all she had lost in the world. On the same evening the bride and bridegroom went on board ship; cannons were roaring, flags waving, and in the centre of the ship a costly tent of purple and gold had been erected. It contained elegant couches, for the reception of the bridal pair during the night. The ship, with swelling sails and a favorable wind, glided away smoothly and lightly over the calm sea. When it grew dark a number of colored lamps were lit, and the sailors danced merrily on the deck. The little mermaid could not help thinking of her first rising out of the sea, when she had seen similar festivities and joys; and she joined in the dance, poised herself in the air as a swallow when he pursues his prey, and all present cheered her with wonder. She had never danced so elegantly before. Her tender feet felt as if cut with sharp knives, but she cared not for it; a sharper pang had pierced through her heart. She knew this was the last evening she should ever see the prince, for whom she had forsaken her kindred and her home; she had given up her beautiful voice, and suffered unheard-of pain daily for him, while he knew nothing of it. This was the last evening that she would breathe the same air with him, or gaze on the starry sky and the deep sea; an eternal night, without a thought or a dream, awaited her: she had no soul and now she could never win one. All was joy and gayety on board ship till long after midnight; she laughed and danced with the rest, while the thoughts of death were in her heart. The prince kissed his beautiful bride, while she played with his raven hair, till they went arm-in-arm to rest in the splendid tent. Then all became still on board the ship; the helmsman, alone awake, stood at the helm. The little mermaid leaned her white arms on the edge of the vessel, and looked towards the east for the first blush of morning, for that first ray of dawn that would bring her death. She saw her sisters rising out of the flood: they were as pale as herself; but their long beautiful hair waved no more in the wind, and had been cut off.

“We have given our hair to the witch,” said they, “to obtain help for you, that you may not die to-night. She has given us a knife: here it is, see it is very sharp. Before the sun rises you must plunge it into the heart of the prince; when the warm blood falls upon your feet they will grow together again, and form into a fish’s tail, and you will be once more a mermaid, and return to us to live out your three hundred years before you die and change into the salt sea foam. Haste, then; he or you must die before sunrise. Our old grandmother moans so for you, that her white hair is falling off from sorrow, as ours fell under the witch’s scissors. Kill the prince and come back; hasten: do you not see the first red streaks in the sky? In a few minutes the sun will rise, and you must die.” And then they sighed deeply and mournfully, and sank down beneath the waves.

The little mermaid drew back the crimson curtain of the tent, and beheld the fair bride with her head resting on the prince’s breast. She bent down and kissed his fair brow, then looked at the sky on which the rosy dawn grew brighter and brighter; then she glanced at the sharp knife, and again fixed her eyes on the prince, who whispered the name of his bride in his dreams. She was in his thoughts, and the knife trembled in the hand of the little mermaid: then she flung it far away from her into the waves; the water turned red where it fell, and the drops that spurted up looked like blood. She cast one more lingering, half-fainting glance at the prince, and then threw herself from the ship into the sea, and thought her body was dissolving into foam. The sun rose above the waves, and his warm rays fell on the cold foam of the little mermaid, who did not feel as if she were dying. She saw the bright sun, and all around her floated hundreds of transparent beautiful beings; she could see through them the white sails of the ship, and the red clouds in the sky; their speech was melodious, but too ethereal to be heard by mortal ears, as they were also unseen by mortal eyes. The little mermaid perceived that she had a body like theirs, and that she continued to rise higher and higher out of the foam. “Where am I?” asked she, and her voice sounded ethereal, as the voice of those who were with her; no earthly music could imitate it.

“Among the daughters of the air,” answered one of them. “A mermaid has not an immortal soul, nor can she obtain one unless she wins the love of a human being. On the power of another hangs her eternal destiny. But the daughters of the air, although they do not possess an immortal soul, can, by their good deeds, procure one for themselves. We fly to warm countries, and cool the sultry air that destroys mankind with the pestilence. We carry the perfume of the flowers to spread health and restoration. After we have striven for three hundred years to all the good in our power, we receive an immortal soul and take part in the happiness of mankind. You, poor little mermaid, have tried with your whole heart to do as we are doing; you have suffered and endured and raised yourself to the spirit-world by your good deeds; and now, by striving for three hundred years in the same way, you may obtain an immortal soul.”

The little mermaid lifted her glorified eyes towards the sun, and felt them, for the first time, filling with tears. On the ship, in which she had left the prince, there were life and noise; she saw him and his beautiful bride searching for her; sorrowfully they gazed at the pearly foam, as if they knew she had thrown herself into the waves. Unseen she kissed the forehead of her bride, and fanned the prince, and then mounted with the other children of the air to a rosy cloud that floated through the aether.

“After three hundred years, thus shall we float into the kingdom of heaven,” said she. “And we may even get there sooner,” whispered one of her companions. “Unseen we can enter the houses of men, where there are children, and for every day on which we find a good child, who is the joy of his parents and deserves their love, our time of probation is shortened. The child does not know, when we fly through the room, that we smile with joy at his good conduct, for we can count one year less of our three hundred years. But when we see a naughty or a wicked child, we shed tears of sorrow, and for every tear a day is added to our time of trial!”

Written by Hans Christian Anderson

Starlight forever and ever ....
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Second_hand_Angel » Wed Oct 25, 2017 12:49 am

Hans Christian Andersen was an amazing writer indeed. The original Little Mermaid is quite a story. Beautiful yet so tragic and appreciated by the true romantics in life. The stories that emotionally impact you stay with you forever and teach morals.

I think you are holding on as tight as you can because you are desperately still waiting for the day when you find out if Angie , Vicki and Bobby were for real or not. I hate to tell you this but sadly I don't think you will ever find those answers you so badly need to know.

Misunderstandings are quite common among friendships. I mean who seriously doesn't have misunderstandings once in awhile ?? Every friendship does it's just part of being human. But being online however makes misunderstandings even more common. For them to treat you so horribly because you question if they are for real though is not enough reason for them to totally turn their backs on you. It's hard to believe true friends would completely abandon you while your going through such a difficult time. Even though I don't even know who these people are I'm going by plain gut instinct when I say they couldn't possibly have been genuine. Star, I'm so sorry to say but I do believe these people were as phony as a three-dollar bill.

I am not saying this to hurt you but to get you to understand these people do not care about you at all. They very clearly do not give a damn about how much you have been suffering. Where are they now ?? And why couldn't they understand how scared you were ??? I think you are waiting in hope for the day when these people will change but sadly I don't believe they ever will. I hate to see you waste your life away waiting for people who are never going to care.

I want you to know what you are feeling is a very natural understandable response. I don't blame you for feeling the way that you have. You truly loved and cared about these people. You also put up with so much heartache from them for many years. You have an amazingly loyal heart. I'm just sorry you gave it to the wrong people. Letting go of something that you will never find the answer to is one of the hardest things in the whole world to have to learn to accept.

Now let's move on to the subject of your niece who most definitely needs to be taught a serious lesson on how to treat other people. It is ridiculous the way she overly controls your life. I only pray someday she gets a huge reality check and let's you live life for yourself a little bit more. Your heart has been through enough pain and needs time to process that.

As helpless as I feel I wish I could offer you more advice.

The most powerful force in the world that can change the lives of millions of people is: compassion - Steven Aitchison

That is something to think about. Don't you wish more people could understand ? I'm truly sorry they don't.

Smile Star , you are beautiful and God only knows the pain you've had to put up with but he didn't give you that special light inside of you for nothing. It is a true gift. It shines bright all through you by the words of your writing you leave behind. To hell with those people who refuse to see it. How could they not be able to see something so bright and beautiful ??? The right people will come into your life and will most definitely be able to see it.

You'll see just hang in there.

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Oct 26, 2017 12:39 pm

I remember at one time me and Bobby used to finish each others sentences. It's hard to believe it was most likely all fake. When something nice happened in my life he was always the first person I wanted to run to and tell. Like when I seen a beautiful shaped cloud in the sky or a wildflower blowing the the summer wind in the fields, or when I was outside at night and I seen a falling star ... or even when I was feeling sad just seeing him say " hey" to me made me believe that everything would somehow be okay again. I'll never forget the one time I sent him a picture of a flower from our garden that I picked. I mean how weird is that ?? The girl sending the guy flowers. He will never know how much brighter he made my whole entire world just by simply being in my life. ( Even if we did have so many misunderstandings... )

I remember one time I found a butterfly with a hurt wing. It landed right outside my windowsill as we were talking online one day. I felt so bad for it but there wasn't much I could do but there with it in the palm of my hand until it died. As silly as it sounds I tried really hard to save it. We were both sad about it.

I will never look at a butterfly again without thinking about it or him.

I still have the email he sent me telling me how much I helped him and how he never wanted to lose what we had. I know I should have thrown it away but I couldn't ever bring myself to do it.

I guess the hardest part now is accepting that I will never know the truth and if it was real he surely must hate me for always questioning him so much. All of them probably hate me.

Your right though secondhandangel I do have to let go. God I feel like such a fool.

When I first started talking to him I had been hurt previously before him. Really badly. I took the biggest chance in the whole world when I put my trust in him. And he let me down. There is no way in hell I can go through that for a third time. I won't do it. I would rather spend the rest of my whole life alone.

It sort of feels like my whole heart is being torn in two.

But thank you for your words of advice. They aren't the words I wanted to hear but I understand what you are meaning.
Starlight Forever & Always .....
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Oct 30, 2017 3:46 pm

I've been thinking a lot in the last few days about what you've said secondhandangel and your right.

Funny how I constantly always sat there wondering why he had to hate me so much and secretly blaming myself...when in reality he did nothing to make a serious effort help. I mean what kind of guy won't clarify who he is BEFORE meeting a woman. And what kind of woman goes off and meets up with some guy when she doesn't even have tangible proof from the GUY HIMSELF ? No phone calls no nothing. You would have to be nuts to do that. It means I'm smart. It also means I love myself and have respect for myself and have a little bit of common sense. A little anyway , I may not have much but I do have some .... lol

He always wanted to blame me when he never realized how difficult he made it for me to believe. I can't keep worrying all the time if he hates me. I can't keep doing that too myself. It hurts too much.

Wow look at me I'm here talking about him when I don't even know if it was " him" or if it was Angie and Vicki's idea of a joke. I hate this... never knowing. But I accept it now that I will never get to know the truth but I also know that it's going to be okay.

Sometimes in life you just have to accept that some situations have sh**** unfair endings. Like with my niece. I have to somehow accept the pain of never having any children myself. But I do NOT have to accept the way she always treats me and my parents. She is horrible on how she treats other people and thinks that the people around her have no life other than serve every order she gives them. I also will pray someday she realizes that treating other people like her personal slave and not letting them have any life of their own is disgusting. People like her teach you everything in life that you DON'T WANT to be like. And even though she has so much more than I do I am truly glad I am me and I am nothing like her.

Autumn has finally come full force to where I live. The beautiful orange and red and yellow leaves that cradles the trees are all falling down on the ground in the cold winds and rains. I won't be able to sit outside at night anymore and watch the stars because it is getting too cold. I'm going to feel like a bird with no wings not being able to sit outside. Watching the moon and the stars keep me sane. I will still lay in bed at night and watch them through the glass of my bedroom window but it won't be the same. I'll miss the way the warm summer night air feels on my skin and I'll miss listening to the sounds of the crickets and the owls and the coyotes. I feel a part of my heart beats with them.

There is a quote that helps me when I feel down.

Let them see the brokenness , let them see the cracks in your armor because that is how the light gets out - Wynonna Judd. I think she said her mother told her that one time when she was going through many difficult times.

I know I've said this so many times before but I'm glad I found this site. I am still so damn alone in this world and have nobody to turn to but coming to place has saved me more times than I can even count. It gave me a place where I can write the words in my heart when all around me all I had was silence and no where else to turn.

Everyone that I love has completely abandoned me.

I'm still scared as hell. Really scared..... but so far I'm still shining.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Fri Nov 03, 2017 12:01 am

Tonight I was so angry I felt on the verge of losing it. When my niece came to my house to pick up the baby after work she had her son with her. He is always talking about how he hates cats. Tonight while they were here he kicked one of my cats. He kicked it for absolutely no reason at all. The only reason was because it walked beside him. And you know what ?? My niece just sat there and laughed. She didn't do a damn thing she just laughed.

My cat wasn't hurt , but that is not the point. The point is he had no right to do something like that. And my niece being his mother should have said something to him. He's 17 years old that's old enough to know better.

All of my cats are rescue cats. When I found them they literally had nothing. I have rescued everything from abused cats to abandoned cats. One of my cats has no nose , one of them has no tail and deformed back legs ( no joking ) , some were starving, some were dumped, some were sick or feral and for him to kick one and my niece to stand there laughing and didn't even tell her own son to stop or even try to correct him and teach him that is no way she just stood there laughing... and after all that me and my parents have done for her.

I still remember one time where he joked about taking a gun and shooting all of them. My niece was standing right beside him then when he said it and she and laughed at that too. Neither my niece or my nephew know how to treat people.

I wish there was someway I could just get a break away from all of this for awhile. Just take some time for myself and be able to live for ME. There is no possible way I can do that though. Basically me and my parents are trapped. When my niece got pregnant she purposely and willingly went out and rearranged our whole life around her work schedule WITHOUT even asking us first if we could handle it. When my mom told her that it was too much for us to handle and asked her to please try find another babysitter my niece totally ignored her.

Now our entire life is controlled by her work hours. She uses us. She knows she has guaranteed babysitters for free. She doesn't want to spend money getting someone else. It's not that she doesn't have the money she just doesn't want to pay anyone. That is the way she is she uses everybody around her. I don't even give two sh*** about the money I just don't want to sit around hurting all the time. You CAN'T take someone that is constantly suffering from the pain of infertility and shove a baby in their face all of the time and take over their whole house and their whole life with it and not only is it hard on me it's hard on my parents because my dad is 80 years old really sick and my mom is 74 but my niece doesn't even care to think about that...

The only good thing that happened today was I got the chance to sit outside under the stars in my positive seat. It's one of those rare fairly warm nights that occur after the killing frost hits. 50 degrees.

This evening as I sit outside the moonlight turned it's brilliant beams into paths of mazes that twisted and turned in every direction imaginable. The green grass in front of me turned into a sea of green and high above my head in the sky a single jet plane soared up through the night air and clouds and passed right by the moon it's beautiful trail of steam flowing behind it and it was lit up a million times by the light of the moon. The clouds formed their famously beautiful and intricate puzzle pieces that I love so much.

I'm glad God helps me find a way to write and use words. I'm rusty I'm not as good at writing as I used to be but I'm still trying.

You know what is truly amazing ??? I seen a firefly flying all by itself down by the Oak tree . I have never in my life ever seen a firefly in November before. I just sat there in surprise watching the green glow wink in and out and in and out. It was truly wonderful.

I read somewhere that when you have severe anxiety or (maybe even depression) your mind and heart gets stuck in a repetitive loop. And you are bombarded by the things that hurt you because you have no way to learn to deal with them. I think that I could get out of that loop if my niece would just leave me alone for a little while and just let me live my own life and let me breathe on my own. How can I ever get over it when day in and day out she is always there controlling everything that I do ? I have busted my ass to get over this depression thing and I have come so far now it is unfair that I'm not allowed to even live my own damn life. Or have time for myself.

Sometimes I think the only way I will ever get away from all of this and finally be free from it is to die. But I know that I don't ever want to die.

When I'm feeling hopeless and overwhelmed there is a song that helps me. I think it is one of the most powerful and heartfelt songs I have ever heard. To anyone who is reading this and you feel like giving up... I am telling you to seriously listen to this song. Go on YouTube and listen to this song. It's called...... One More Light , by Linkin Park

"One More Light"

Should've stayed. Were there signs I ignored?
Can I help you not to hurt anymore?
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep.
There are things that we can have but can't keep.

If they say,

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.

The reminders pull the floor from your feet.
In the kitchen one more chair than you need.
And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair.
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

If they say,

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.
Well, I do.

It shows how every single damn one of our lives is more important than we ever can possibly realize and no matter what hell you are going through you can't ever give up.

I especially hurt tonight because on a night like this I should have friends by my side. It's not fair to always have to deal with this all alone. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep wishing that when I wake up in the morning things will be different. I even pray for it. I wish for it on every single star that I see fall in the night sky while I'm sitting outside. But it never comes true...

Starlight forever and ever ?? I seriously don't know anymore how much longer I can shine.

The worst pain in the world is crying tears that no one will ever see or hear.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Nov 04, 2017 1:46 pm

Re: im dying no one cares

Postby Raemay45 » Sat Nov 04, 2017 2:00 pm

Doogie wrote:Hi JonsDragonEyes,
Im here to be true friend sweetie if you need one thats going to listen to you and trully care.
Ive been im your shoes on throwing in the towel so to speak. I wanna share what Ive learned so you can stay strong and not give up..
Hugs rachel
You are one of the most thoughtful and caring individuals on this forum. Making friends can be hard, and online is even harder because you can't see or know the intentions of the person on the other end. But don't let that discourage you...there are a lot of people who would be honored to be part of your will find them.

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