The Unlived Life

[Soliloqueen]

I'm a 19 year old girl. I've had depression for many years but for the most part have either been in denial about it or ignored it. I don't let on to my friends or family how bad I feel on a daily basis. Some of my better friends know about my emotional issues but I don't think they really take it seriously or know how bad it actually is. Even my best friend, who I've known for years and who has seen me at my worst and even talked me out of suicide a few times, doesn't know how deep my depression runs. Not a day goes by that I don't fantasize about at least one of these: plastic surgery, weight loss, disbelief in love, or suicide. The truth is, I hate myself and I think I always have. Even when I was a young and relatively happy child I didn't really like myself. I was shy and introverted around people I didn't know, my mother was overprotective, I was bullied relentlessly in school my entire life, and I fantasized from a young age about the future and about being someone else. When I was a little girl I would look at myself in the mirror and imagine I was an adult. I couldn't wait to start growing breasts and looking like a woman. I couldn't grow up fast enough. I watched as my friends went through puberty much more gracefully than I did, and got the attention of our male classmates while I was left in their shadows to be laughed at and made fun of for my awkward demeanor, my weird jokes, the fact that I read books instead of talking to the other kids, even though I did that because I had few friends. It was a self-sustaining cycle that inflicted more damage on my young mind than I could have ever imagined.
Sorry for reminiscing there, but I felt it was relevant and might help explain why I am the way I am today. Every single day I feel a deep underlying mental pain and self hatred; I try to hide it or ignore it with varying degress of success. Probably the only time I ever had any amount of confidence or popularity was in fourth grade, when for some reason all of my classmates mysteriously decided that I was funny (intentionally) and cool. I say mysteriously because I wasn't doing anything differently than I normally would have or trying to impress anyone. I was the same kid I had always been, with the same weird sense of humor, and all of a sudden all my classmates decided they liked that. Maybe one day in class I said something funny to myself and others heard and laughed. In fact that's probably how it began. Anyway, nowadays my humor is a big part of my personality and I mentioned 4th grade because I think that's probably where I can trace it back to. I use humor now with my dad and friends for attention and acceptance, and to mask my real feelings. I say things that make other people laugh until they're red in the face but all I feel is the empty husk of their laughter ringing in my ears, I smile politely or utter a quick fake laugh along with them, but in my mind I can feel who I really am threatening to show through, the sadness and self-hatred, and I'm not really laughing. I just say things to make other people feel good because I guess that's how I seek acceptance.
I have an unhealthy sexual mindset because of a bad yet enduring relationship from my early teens, when I first lost my virginity. My sexuality is disgusting to me yet I still feel urges like all people do, and I've made mistakes in the past due to this. But my point in saying this is, it's just another thing that contributed to my hatred of myself. I genuinely hate myself so much inside and out, I'm so insecure and broken and I do a damn good job of hiding it, but on the inside I'm a trainwreck on a constant loop. Some people may have briefly glimpsed this side of me before but none, even myself I think, truly know the depths of my pained mentality.
I've tried a lot of things to feel better. I've tried my friend's advice, look in the mirror everyday and say something positive about yourself, and look your reflection in the eye. She said it sounds silly but eventually it does start to make you feel better. Well for me, I just stared at myself and couldn't find the words for a compliment, my eyes started watering and I made something up that didn't feel real because I didn't believe it. I just said it so I wouldn't have to endure my own gaze any longer. Yet all the male friends I've had, at some point try to make a move on me when I don't want romance, even if they've said something flirty early on and I tell them I just want to be friends. Enough time goes by that I develop a friendship with them anyway and eventually they all want something more. I try to reject them while still maintaining the friendship because I'm lonely and I need people to distract me from myself. Sometimes I've made the mistake of sleeping with male friends who liked me while I was inebriated and I always regret it because sex is supposed to mean something more to me, something I will never have -- true love. And I don't want to lead anyone on, I want them to know I just want friendship, but I guess men are never satisfied with that and so they want more. And if my judgment is impaired sometimes I make bad choices and regret it later. I wish they would all get girlfriends so I could be friends with them without getting hit on at some point, but then I would probably never see them because their girlfriends would take over their lives. Almost all of my friends are guys except for my best friend. I seem to get along with guys better so it hurts me when they try to do things my sober, rational mind doesn't want. I'm so broken and in no place to start a relationship and even my friendships have been a strain. I don't believe true love exists. There will always be someone better that my lover, boyfriend, or husband would take over me. This is what I've known my entire life. I'm never enough and I never will be.
I hate my face, my body, my brain, everything about who I am. It is all I can do to type this and think anyone will care, because why should they? I don't go to college and I don't want to, I'm not in the right mindset for it. I don't have a job despite desperately seeking one. I live with my dad and uncle in a two bedroom apartment; I sleep in the corner of the living room in my dad's old bed with Chinese folding doors surrounding it for the illusion of privacy. I've been here like this for a year now and have made pretty much no progress in that time. My best friend lives an hour away and we haven't seen each other since our friend's funeral over a year ago, and before the funeral we hadn't seen each other in quite some time even though we text frequently. I don't get to see my other friends in the area much because they work or go to school, or don't have their own cars. I take my dad's car to see them sometimes but all we ever do is get high because that's all I ever want to do now, so I don't have to think. It's a temporary release from my usual mindset.
I've taken soooo many depression and anxiety medications in the past, but not a single one of them ever worked. I don't think a pill ever will work for me. While many of my problems are internal, they're long-lived feelings that I've had most of my life and they aren't going to go away through medication. And I have a lot of circumstantial issues that won't be helped by pills. Yet I don't talk to friends or family because I know none of them can truly understand, it's a burden to them, and I don't want to be a dark ominous cloud hanging over their comparatively bright peaceful existences. Even if I did talk to them, they couldn't help me. If anyone can help me it's me but I truly think I'm too far-gone. Nothing in my life is going right, internally or externally, and I truly believe that one day I'll be even worse off. Maybe I'll be a drug addict, or a hooker, or I'll commit suicide. Just as well. The only thing keeping me from those things now are the people I care too much about to see hurt. But I'm hurting too, more than they can ever know, and there's only so much a young, unloved girl can take.

[4EverMe]

Hi soliloqueen,
Wow. Many of the things you wrote I can and have been able to relate to throughout many times in my life. It actually hurt the entire time I read your story...
It's like...where do I even begin with my reply??

We're much alike in that we use humor and smiling to mask the pain around others. One thing I've feared is that if I were to truly open up to even a very close friend, my degree of heartache would chase them off. Perhaps, overwhelm them. So, I've tended to share my pain in increments. There are also too many times when I've lacked the emotional strength to express all that I feel...

It was in June of last yr that I joined this site. I have yet to post "my overall story." The things I've posted usually make reference to just a particular issue. Where is my strength to make known who I am? Where I've been? What all I have been through??
I feel tired, done, and spent is my answer...

This post isn't meant to sound like it's all about me. But, I DO have to share some things about me, so that you realize I do understand.
I know what it's like when it feels as though every single fiber of your being cries out, and it seems that no one could even halfway comprehend! (Please reread that)...

I KNOW. And, I'm sorry that you hurt!

Please continue to post. I would like to converse with you more...

[Soliloqueen]

Hey 4EverMe,

Thanks for replying to my post. I know exactly what you mean about being afraid to share with friends. I always think if I share too much of what I feel I'll scare my friends away. Nobody wants to hang out with a total sadsack, and I don't want to be seen that way either, but it's the truth. And don't worry about your post being about you; it makes sense and I'm glad we can relate on these unpleasant experiences. It makes me feel a bit better just to know that somebody has felt what I feel. Especially what you said about nobody comprehending when your whole essence is crying out; not only do they not comprehend, most of the time they have no idea what lurks beneath the surface. Everyday I feel like I'm wearing a mask and the longer I wear it, the greater risk it poses taking it off. Better to leave it on and not worry anyone. If that makes sense.
Sometimes I worry that one day I'll do something drastic, like hurt myself or make a suicide attempt, and be rescued and have to face my family and friends knowing the state I'm in. I would hate to be seen that way, for all the depression and self-hate to finally manifest in a physical form that all these blind people around me could finally see.
Also, I'm surprised you've been here so long and not posted a 'my story'. It was the first thing I did, but probably mainly because it was one of the major reasons I signed up I suppose.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hey there Soliloqueen. It's nice to meet you. It made me really sad to read your post and know what a hard time you've been through. In so much of your message you talk too negative of yourself.

There is a song I want you to listen to. It's by Katy Perry and some of the lyrics in the song goes ....

" Do you ever feel already buried deep ?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go " Oh , oh oh "
As you shoot across the sky

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
Your original, you cannot be replaced
If you only knew what your future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt , your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know - Katy Perry Firework


I can't stress enough on how important it is to believe in yourself. I hate when you wrote that "maybe" someday you'll be a drug addict or a hooker or you'll commit suicide. I don't even know you but I know your better than that.

Everyone is different in life. Some people are shy , some people are outspoken , some people are overweight , some are underweight , some people are born with disabilities , some are tall , some are short , black or white , I could go on and on ... but we are all beautiful. We are different but that doesn't mean we aren't beautiful too.

If you have a good heart then you have a good soul. And that makes you more beautiful than anything. Think of how huge the world is out there , so many things you can be doing , so many dreams you haven't discovered yet , so many roads you haven't walked. There is sights to be seen and sounds to be heard. You can't give up on all that.

There is also a lyric line in the song that goes

" Boom boom boom , even brighter than the moon , moon , moon
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN INSIDE OF YOU
NOW ITS TIME TO LET IT THROUGH "


Look up that song by Katy Perry read the lyrics , watch the video.

You've been hurting for way too long. I hope with all my heart you find the " firework" inside of you. You deserve all the happiness in the world. And I would like to see you get it.

[4EverMe]

Hi soliloqueen,
Not too long ago, a friend of mine dedicated this same song to me. Now, I see someone else dedicating this song to YOU!

Anyway, you cracked me up when you said you're surprised I haven't posted my 'Story' yet. Yeah, I'm a bit surprised myself.
However, I'd had some pretty serious things to deal with- things I had to concentrate on by themselves. When those issues have died down enough, I'll post a fuller life story for all to read.

People I've known say that I may do fairly well to publish a book about my life. So, that might be in the making one day....Coming to a bookstore near you. Lol.

[Soliloqueen]

Thanks for all the kind words, but I must admit I despise Katy Perry. Lol

[4EverMe]

Hehehe. Gotta admit the words are uplifting though?

[Soliloqueen]

Meh. If you want to listen to a genuinely inspiring song.

Anathema - Untouchable

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hmm .. uhoh lol ... Well, how about Beautiful by Christina Aguilera ??

I'll definitely check out Anathema. So how are you doing today ??

Love and Hugs