Lost.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Chitin
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:39 pm

Lost.

Postby Chitin » Sat Aug 30, 2014 8:10 pm

Hi. I would like to talk about some of my feelings towards life, if anyone could take the time to read this, I'd be grateful. This is probably one of the very few occasions wherein I openly talk about my problems, since I almost never really get any time to talk about any of them for various reasons. I don't honestly feel confident, articulate or remotely destriptive in regards to actually conversing my thoughts so please be patient with me.

I feel as though I'm suffering extensional depression and personal depression. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, being constantly bullied and picked on during my years in school and beyond. Because of this, I’ve developed this defense mechanism knowing that no one will actually care and I will be alone for the rest of my life, but it used to really anger me that I’m simply incapable of starting any genuine relationships when I was younger. My apathy concerning this has been particularly destructive to my devolvement - I don’t really care if I ignored or hurt someone – due to the fact that the attiude that I endured traumatized me. I used to be fairly happy and naïve however, and I would go out of my way to help people in any way I can. Many people ended up exploiting my generosity and used it for their own gain and caused me to go into my first spiral of depression.

I’ve tried to expand my hand to my family many times in hopes that maybe they can assist my problems. They didn’t. My family is uncaring about my own issues. They only pretend to care when it benefits them in some way. I’ve had thoughts of suicide many times – and would no doubt do it if I had the right materials - and none of this apparently matters as my patronizing, controlling mother mocks me about my attitude and talks behind my back to her equally disgusting children.

I've also began to ponder about why I'm even here, this pointlessly painful existence on this planet where people suffer simply because they don't have any material possessions.
For instance, I won’t accept this contemporary, pathetic lifestyle at all. There is no inherent value behind all of what we do, and the morals and ethics that come with it are all created and then changed whenever it’s appreciate to whatever situation, along with it being forced upon us. We force ourselves to get up from bed to endure such monotonous, trivial ‘careers’ that make no real difference outside the real world. We get barely enough green paper to pay for the resources that should be rightly shared by all of us. Why do I even bother?

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JonsDragonEyes
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Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Aug 31, 2014 3:50 pm

Hi there Chitin. It's really nice to meet you. Your story is so sad. I must have read it half a dozen times trying to find the right words that can offer you some comfort.

The suicide you talk about really hits home and when you spoke of pondering " why your even really here." I can relate to that.

I think inside all of us. Every single human being on the planet there is so much life. So many dreams , so many amazing things. So many " happy " stories to be told , sights to see and eventually at the end of the long , long road of pain and loss two arms of the people that WILL care and be there for you and never let you go.

The only hard thing is finding the strength to keep going on until we find all that. I can't give you any magic words to make it easier because I'm struggling so hard myself. But I do know it can get better.

Every single morning we are lucky enough to wake up to is another chance we have. You can't throw that way.

Stay here with us on the message boards because I promise there are people like you here and you won't have to face this all by yourself. Keep hanging on ... keep waking up to a new morning. I promise if you keep holding on one morning you wake up will be THE morning your life changes for the better.


Love and Hugs ... and welcome to the message boards.

creaker
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2014 7:00 am

Postby creaker » Mon Sep 01, 2014 4:24 am

Hi Chitin, thank you for putting the effort into getting your story up here.

I wish you the best of luck improving your life, and I hope I can offer some understanding, some of the things I have learned from my own mistakes and experiences.

Your family, like my family and likely many others, may be unable to express caring for others in a way that can be received as it is intended.

For example, when I was sad, I was told to get myself better, to snap out of it, to stop crying, that sadness is a bad thing and I shouldn't have it.

From my point of view: they did not accept me, their gifts looked deceitful, compliments sounded scornful, and I lost trust in them.

From their point of view: they did not like seeing me sad and did not know how to handle it, and gave advice in the only way that they knew.

Fortunately, we now know that there are better ways to talk with someone about their sadness, about how to comfort them and accept what they are going through. I hope that over time, more parents realise this and work at making family life less toxic and more accepting.

Finding a meaning to keep existing is a tough one. A lot of people have a problem with this, you are by no means alone! This is a problem that will keep growing, as corporations make more money from boxing us into replaceable careers and keeping us submissive.

I agree with JonsDragonEyes here, for me love is the answer. Wait, don't say "Bollocks to that" yet, there is more to it!

Can you remember the early part of your happy time, the feelings you got when you went out of your way to help people? This is a type of love, if you can help a person enough you are showing them love. To open the door to someone, to let them in your life, is a big risk, because it allows that person to hurt you.

What I have found is that for me it is worth taking that risk, because the rewards are huge - it gives my life purpose. I have been hurt a lot in the past and closed the door to everyone in my life, and been lost for 11 years. Now I am trying again.

I hope you or others find some of this helpful, and not too scornful. I know it is hard, there is no easy path, but sometimes there is a path worth following.

Chitin
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:39 pm

Postby Chitin » Mon Sep 01, 2014 12:05 pm

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate it.

JonsDragonEyes wrote:The only hard thing is finding the strength to keep going on until we find all that. I can't give you any magic words to make it easier because I'm struggling so hard myself. But I do know it can get better.


I appreciate your honesty concerning this. I feel as though as I could analyze this situation and possibly avoid the things that are currently putting stress in my life, but most of it is connected to living in this society and conforming to its ideas. The problem with that is that I find this society to be generally uncaring and wasteful, and the only true way to make myself happy in this cesspool is to willfully ignore the atrocities that are going around me and beyond. There's simply no chance of me doing that however, but I often go into pretty extensive trips to escapism since there's no other way out, and that also isn't particularly healthy or helpful.


creaker wrote:Can you remember the early part of your happy time, the feelings you got when you went out of your way to help people? This is a type of love, if you can help a person enough you are showing them love. To open the door to someone, to let them in your life, is a big risk, because it allows that person to hurt you.


I was very happy when I was around my childhood, since I didn't have any responsibilities or anything that could've otherwise hurt me on a constant basis. I also remember having an almost infinite amount of motivation and creativity to go outside, draw and be fairly friendly to most people I came across, and a large amount of people noticed that. When I moved, I thought it would’ve been a great new chapter in my life to help people…I could’ve been never wrong in my entire existence.

I was still bullied and taunted during that age, but I would simply jump out of the resulting sadness and continue to enjoy life and still help out people even if they were mean to me before.

But, needless to say, all of that is gone now, and I feel empty and numb to nearly all problems people face, due to the fact of the constant thought that they could monopolize on my kindness and take it as a weakness.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Sep 01, 2014 10:08 pm

:cry: Not everything is gone. You have us here. I really hope you'll stay.

Chitin
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:39 pm

Postby Chitin » Tue Sep 02, 2014 6:34 pm

I intend to. I'm really just trying to find out if there's any point in continuing this lifestyle any longer than necessary...but, I'll really acknowledge the help that I'm getting so far and I'm particularly greatful for that, along with the fact that no one is being judgemental.

4EverMe
Posts: 927
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Tue Sep 02, 2014 10:25 pm

Hi Chitin,
It's been a while since I've talked to you. It's also nice to know that you're still around...Why?
Because you ARE important.

Yeah, I agree; the world is definitely screwed up. You don't have to conform to it, or agree with it in any way. If you did, it would imply to me that you're okay with the dark world we abide in. That you do not, suggests you have a head on your shoulders!
This world needs more decent, intelligent and good-hearted people like you.

Please stick around for the lesser number of us out there who, likewise, possess a good heart. It's kind of like 'US' verses the majority, and it's critical that we all stand as one. We need to endure for the sake of all that's good- for the sake of one another.

I appreciated your honest words, and can relate to much of what you said, Chitin.
And, believe me...I know that it sucks getting bullied! The only reason I've been able to move past it is because I chose to forgive them. Forgiveness is NOT to imply that what they put me through was "OKAY," because it sure wasn't. Bullying is exactly the same thing as verbal/mental and/or physical abuse. It leaves scars, and a lasting impression that it was somehow our fault...B.S.!
Growing up, I went to many schools. It was when I attended a new school, where I'd finish elementary. I stood up for a kid that was getting picked on, thus becoming a target myself. It followed into junior high by the same group of girls...then into my Sophomore yr of High School.
To make a long story short, there was a nicer girl within this group who worked up the courage one day to tell me the truth. After her friends left the locker room, (after mercilessly insulting my appearance), I couldn't help but to break down. It was all so long bottled up inside of me! When she informed me, in confidence, that her friends were jealous of how pretty I was, I wouldn't believe her. All I could do was to repeat all of the insults that had been hurled at me.
She looked at me and said, " They may say this to your face, but you should hear what they say when you're not around. They find you really pretty." She then conveyed a look that seemed to say "Don't you get it?"
WOW! Was I shocked!
However, due to years of being told I was "ugly," the emotional damage had already been done...

I'm sorry I went off on a tangent! This wasn't my intention at all...
I just wanted you to know that I feel you- loud and clear! I experienced the pain of being bullied just about every single day. But, no longer will I allow it to squash me. I'm worth more than that, and so are YOU, Chitin!
Don't let THEIR crap confine you...

Just for laughs, I've gotta say that atleast when I became of age, and began going to clubs, I knew what was up when a woman glared at me for nothing! It wasn't my clothes because I never dressed like a tramp. It was her own insecurity.

Remember this, Chitin...Sometimes, a person responds negatively to a person without even knowing the reason(s) why. Maybe they've seen in you a reflection of something they wish they possessed themselves.

4EverMe
Posts: 927
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Thu Sep 04, 2014 2:52 am

Hi Chitin,
I hope you're doing alright.
Also, I apologize for such a long, rambling novel- my earlier response!

Chitin
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:39 pm

Postby Chitin » Sat Sep 06, 2014 6:19 pm

4EverMe wrote:Hi Chitin,
I hope you're doing alright.
Also, I apologize for such a long, rambling novel- my earlier response!


It's alright, I like generally like reading detailed posts, thanks for that.

4EverMe wrote:Yeah, I agree; the world is definitely screwed up. You don't have to conform to it, or agree with it in any way. If you did, it would imply to me that you're okay with the dark world we abide in.


Yes, I really do want to see a world where people aren't taken advantage of and we can make our own decisions that aren't forced on us on a daily basis. I wish we could live in a type of society where people are free - and I mean really free - to obtain the very things that are reqiured for human survival without materialistic objects getting in the way. But I know that that's a huge pipe dream and it will never happen...

4EverMe
Posts: 927
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Sat Sep 06, 2014 8:15 pm

...God's not dead... :-)

Things will eventually be okay.


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