Never felt so unwanted

[Forget]

I don't really know why I'm writing this maybe just to get my feelings out.

Seven months ago my husband and I bought a house together. We've been together for 10 1/2 years (from 18 to 29 years old). Buying the house was something we had been working towards for years. He always loved his job so much and I valued family more so we bought the house close to his work and an hour away from where we're from. I quit the job that I loved so we could move there. We were trying to have children for almost 4 years, went and did procedures with a fertility doctor but they just never worked. (He had a low sperm count). I was crushed, we could have adopted or used donor sperm but I wanted our child to come from my husband to see a part of him. I spent a lot of nights crying by myself in the other room while he was sleeping.

Five months ago my husband asked me for a divorce. I loved him so much, we weren't even fighting. I could not believe it and with that I lost my husband, my job and my home. He told me he didn't love me anymore, and that he's changed and that he doesn't think he wants to have children anymore. I told him I didn't care (about the children) I just loved him so much it didn't matter if it was just the two of us. He told me there was someone else, his 21 year old employee. He couldn't even wait until I removed my stuff from the house to sleep with her in our bed, I went there 2 days later and found condoms in the trash.

I got my job back but it's not the same, the person in charge treats me like dirt because I stood up for myself.

I've never felt so unwanted and so unloved. I'm devastated and struggle every day at trying to find a point to living another day, what I felt was my purpose for living is gone. I just want things to get better.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hey there Forget. It's nice to meet you.

I think I know why you are writing this. Because nothing in the world hurts more than when your heart is so broken by the one person you gave your whole heart to. The person you felt so safe with ... the person you imagined spending your whole life standing beside. And now you need someone to listen , and a place to vent. You've come to the right place because people here do care about you and what you've went through. Your not all alone.

I am so sorry this had to happen to you. I started crying when I read your post.

What this guy did to you is unimaginable. You were so willing to sacrifice and give up so much just for this man to be happy. If he can't see what a wonderful person he had right in front of his face you sure don't need him.

There isn't anything I can say to take your pain away or make things easier. I know how much you hurt because I'm going through something really similar to you. But what I can tell you is although it's hard to ever see yourself loving someone else there IS another guy out there for you. Someone that would never dream of hurting you like this man has.

And one day you will find him if you don't ever give up. Someone that will make you cry happy tears and not sad ones. Someone that will be the one to sacrifice for YOU instead of you being the one. Someone that will hold you with his two arms and never let you go.

Nobody deserves to go through what you've had to. And someday when the hurt starts to fade and you find someone new he will love you so much you won't ever have to look back.

Just please don't ever give up. I hope that this helps you a little.

Take Care Always

[marley1304]

Hi I know there is nothing I can possibly say to make you feel better but I want you to know I care. I know right now it seems like this wasn't supposed to happen but I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I'm sure there's one for this. I know how it feels to feel unwanted or not good enough. I know you're probably sitting there right now comparing yourself to the other woman, so just stop. At the end of the day he gave up someone who was willing to give up everything for him for someone who can't even respect the sanctity of marriage, you, or herself for that matter. So in the end whose really winning here? In my eyes this is the perfect oppurtunity for you to rewrite how your story is going to end. If you need to lay in bed crying into a gallon of ice cream forever a few weeks do it, but do it forever. You have your own dreams that you have the chance to do now that he choose not to be a part of your life. So figure out the things that are going to make you feel alive and go do them. I know it's hard now but I promise you that you will be happy again. Don't let someone so selfish squash your beauty.

[Forget]

Thank you both for you replies, I try to keep them in mind every day.

[Sadsack]

Hi Forget

I am so sorry for your broken heart but believe me one day it will start to heal, it could be in a short while or maybe a bit longer. My boys went to live with their father and they listened to horrible lies about me and I haven't seen them for over fifteen years so I know what it feels to have your heart broken and then stamped on, promise me you will keep breathing, slowly and small breathes and as each day turns over those breathes will get a little bit bigger and then one day you are back to breathing without thinking about your heart. It takes time and a lot of tears and pain, anger and sadness, but you have to talk, you have to cry scream and shout you must not keep all that sadness in side. I am here if you wish to scream at me. Just remember to take it one day at a time and breathe. x

[creaker]

Hi Forget

Well done on getting your feelings written down, it is a very brave step to take. I feel humbled by your mistreatment and your strength in coping so far.

Please forgive my approach here, I am offering you advice based solely on my opinions and experience, feel free to disagree! And anyone else as well... if my advice stinks please say so!

First of all, can you find some supportive friends? Try all the friends you know, sound them out as to how much they are willing to give. You need all the love you can get to help you through, feeling loved can make all the difference. Also try your family, if that is an option. Don't be afraid of calling a friend and saying "help I need to feel loved." If its not enough, call another one. They might not want to hear the whole story every time, but friends will respond to a simple request.

It sounds like you are still grieving for the loss of your relationship. I can relate to that so well, I did not find closure and my grief has continued for way too many years. If you can acknowledge to yourself that you are living in grief, you can at least see that it will have an end.

Closure. What is this? It is where you are able to say, "it is done." It does not need to deny the love you still feel for your husband. It does not mean to regret your decisions. It does not mean vengeance or anger. It is simply letting go, saying there is no more.

How to get closure? This is the tricky part!

First is to put rest to false hope. To do this, you need to know for sure that it is false hope, that there is no more chances. Or, you need to know for sure that you have another chance. To be certain either way.

Can you write as much down as you can, the questions you want to ask your husband.

Arrange a meeting with him face to face in a neutral place. Try to stay calm, but if you break down, let yourself cry, recover and then start again. Work through the questions you want to ask. Don't expect answers. Don't expect to end up understanding him, it might be something he cannot put into words. It might be something as simple as you gave up too much of yourself and he found you less interesting because of it! (I feel that is what happened to me).

You may find that he regrets his mistakes and wants to reconcile with you. Many marriages have gone through this and come back to be stronger. Be prepared for this, search in yourself if you could accept it or not, and write down your decision beforehand. Try not let the emotions of the moment change your decision. If you decide to try again, and you get the chance to, make sure he is going to give 100% and you do the same, and forgiveness is key.

You may find that he does not want to reconcile with you, in this case there is no second chance, and you can acknowledge the hope as a longing for the past, as part of the grief.

Once you have this false hope recognised, you can start to "move on." The other posts have great ideas for this. Lean on your friends to feel loved, rekindle old interests, seek new interests. Make new friends. Let your friends introduce you to other people they like.

The depth of your grief is a good sign - it means you have a lot of love to give, and you have a great chance of find someone else.

Good luck with your job, try talking to your boss's boss to resolve things. Standing up for yourself is the right thing to do. Its such a large part of your life, its worth trying to make it better.

Good luck, and I hope you can get closure and move on a lot quicker than I am still trying to do.

[Soliloqueen]

Forget, my heart breaks for you. I know it must be hard for you to think clearly and rationally in these emotional times, but I can tell you that what happened was not your fault. I think after all the years you two were together, he finally showed himself for who he really is. This may not be any consolation to you, but sometimes in life we meet people who we think we know inside and out, that fill in the missing pieces of ourselves, and they turn out to be a completely different person than we thought they were. It's the same reason my own parents divorced so I feel I can sympathize with you on this. Your husband is a despicable, disgusting and pathetic man. I know this without knowing him, because I know how he treated you. I let his actions speak for him, and I think if you do the same maybe you can at least find some level of emotional closure. I don't know if you blame yourself for what happened or not, but I imagine it must be hard for you to look at the situation objectively since it's your life. But when I read your post, I felt sickened and enraged by your husband's actions. People's feelings may change over time, but there is a right and a wrong way to go about a divorce. The wrong way is leading your spouse on, letting them believe things are okay one day, and then destroying their life with no warning the next.
Your husband owed it to you, as a simple, human gesture of respect, to express his feelings and go about the situation as delicately as possible. Instead he cheated on you and threw away the life you two built together with absolutely zero regard for you or your feelings. He loved you once, and he should have remembered that. I'm sorry if I'm coming on a little strong with this, but your post hits close to home for me because of my parents' divorce and I can't help interpreting the situation similarly. All I know is, your husband is vile and disgusting and it's his loss for throwing you out like that. You didn't deserve it, but perhaps you can take comfort in knowing that you dodged a bullet -- if he hadn't done this now, but his deviant behavior was brewing under the surface all along, then you could've wound up married another ten years before he showed his true colors. At least you're still young enough to recover from this. And maybe you can find solace in the fact that, if he left you for the 21-year-old, who slept with him knowing he was married, then they're both terrible vitriolic people and they deserve each other. I hope he builds a life with her and then ten years down the line when you've moved on and found true happiness, she cheats on him with a younger man and destroys his life. What goes around comes around!
I know that's mean, but he deserves it. As for the children, perhaps that was a blessing in disguise -- if you'd actually had kids together, this whole situation would be a lot messier and difficult for the children. Be glad you didn't have kids with that jerk. It probably doesn't make you feel any better to think about other men after years married to your husband, but now you have the chance (when you're ready) to find someone who is actually worth your time and deserves your love. Don't let this experience make you bitter or jaded. You're stronger than your husband and you can rebuild. It will be hard but you can do it. I genuinely believe that.