To Angie and Aaron, Vicki , Jenna , ... who I opened my heart up to and asked to please understand ....
Ask someone about depression and I bet the two most common words you will hear are " alone " and " misunderstood."
For the people in my life who I have no idea if they are for real or if they are fake. For the people in my life who never realized how much I needed them. For the people in my life who " just don't get it. "
This is a poem that I wrote about having to face depression all by myself. In a world where so many people just don't even try to understand your pain , your anguish , your heartache, your suffering , your hopelessness.
And this is also for every single person that reads this poem/post and has felt the exact same way that I have. Please hope and pray with me that there will come a day when the people you love , the people you trust and the people you NEED finally , truly understand what it's like to be in our shoes.
* * * *
If you could , please hold me for awhile
because my heart aches so much
And I've forgotten how to smile
I must have turned a million times
The deepest shade of blue
I'm down on my knees
And I don't know what to do
Do you even care
Sometimes I hurt so much I want to die
You call me melodramatic and over emotional
But you don't know how hard I try
Is it too much for me to ask
That you sit here beside of me
And help me find that person
I know I used to be
Each day I walk in darkness
down a road so all alone
If I have the strength to make it back alive
Remains yet , so unknown
These scars inside my chest
Tell the story of the pain that I knew
Burning the tale of a lost soul
Just trying to make it through
I'd give anything in the world
For someone to show me real love
To find a friend who would never let me go
That's all I'm dreaming of
Sometimes I feel I've fallen
as low as I can go
Why do some people have to judge me
For some things they don't even know
Because all of the stars, have completely fallen from my sky
And I'm praying for someone to be my light
Just to help me get by
My will used to be as strong as the ocean
But now I'm drowning before I reach the shore
My legs can no longer carry me
On the feet of the person that I once walked before
So now just please hold on to me
I beg you not to let me go
Because I don't know if I can make it on my own
With this hard road to go
Show me what it's like
to walk that familiar line
And help me win back a smile
I know that is mine
Depression all alone is killing me. ( Triggering Material )
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Depression all alone is killing me. ( Triggering Material )
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sun Sep 21, 2014 5:27 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Before I found this website I had nothing and no other place to go. My parents love me I know that. But like I said they just don't get it. They think it's something you can just " get over. ".... My friends that I mentioned have been a total nightmare. I think I know in my heart they aren't my real friends which makes me feel more alone.
I used to be able to write so easily. My biggest dream was to be a writer and write books. Lots of people have told me that I should write inspirational books of poetry for people because I love to help people so much. My second biggest dream is to change this world for the better. To try as hard as I can to make every person I come across be as happy as they should be. But how do I do that .... when I can't even make myself happy ???
I don't know what I would do without this Forum. I used to find myself picking up a razor ... but now I'm starting to pick my writing pen back up.
I still have a long way to go and I don't know if I can make it all by myself. The thing about depression is one day you feel like you can climb that mountain and the next day you feel like you have fallen all the way back to the bottom again.
But for every single person this poem touches it will help me ( and I hope other people too ) hold that " pen " a little more tighter and that " razor " a little less. Until one day when I find myself only holding my writing pen and never, ever letting it go.
I used to be able to write so easily. My biggest dream was to be a writer and write books. Lots of people have told me that I should write inspirational books of poetry for people because I love to help people so much. My second biggest dream is to change this world for the better. To try as hard as I can to make every person I come across be as happy as they should be. But how do I do that .... when I can't even make myself happy ???
I don't know what I would do without this Forum. I used to find myself picking up a razor ... but now I'm starting to pick my writing pen back up.
I still have a long way to go and I don't know if I can make it all by myself. The thing about depression is one day you feel like you can climb that mountain and the next day you feel like you have fallen all the way back to the bottom again.
But for every single person this poem touches it will help me ( and I hope other people too ) hold that " pen " a little more tighter and that " razor " a little less. Until one day when I find myself only holding my writing pen and never, ever letting it go.
The words "alone" and "misunderstood" do come up a lot in these forums. I have been tied to those words for many years, hundreds of phones number but not one person I can call to talk to. In the end I came to the conclusion that it is my fault because although I didn't choose my own parents, I am responsible for choosing my own friends and those I surround myself with. I stopped feeling alone and misunderstood when I stopped trying to change other people but changed myself and my thoughts instead.
I used to get upset and think why don't people understand? But the truth is, they don't have to. How could they... if they're not me or suffer from depression themselves. How can they understand something I can't explain or understand myself? There are professionals who study this subject for years and still not understand. So sometimes isn't it a little too much to ask for those around us to understand and help when they don't know how to. Who knows, maybe they do understand but in their own way. Just because I don't get a response or reaction that I want it doesn't mean they don't get it, they just have a very different way of dealing with it that's all. I was always more focused on the problem and those I spoke to focused on the solution. When I got asked, "How can I help you?/How can we solve this?" my answer was "I don't know". Anyway after a while I realized that I didn't want help, hugs or praise but all I needed space and I got just that. It is my job to figure out what I want and many on here need to do the same, if not how can people help if we don't even know what it is that we want.
I have wonderful parents by the way, they always try to help me but first I need to be willing to talk and accept help. My parents are both straight forward, rational and logical thinkers, the complete opposite to what I am. They don't get why I get so emotional or wound up over little things but they give me their views on my issues and how they would tackle them. Although very different to my own views, I now understand that they think the way they do because they are logical thinkers and my thoughts are all over the place. So I no longer expect them to think the way I do and just appreciate their input. So many people switch off because they automatically assume people don't understand and when someone suggests something different to their own opinion they don't want to hear it.
Anyway this is what worked for me, by looking at things from a different view point. I put myself in my parents shoes and realized how much I was making them suffer and this helped me change my attitude.
---
I have read quite a few of your posts and you are empathetic towards others. You're a good listener and people can easily warm to you, not everyone has these qualities that you have. I guess your friends don't and since you said they're not your real friends then why don't you let them go and make some real ones? I know it's like looking for diamonds in the rough but isn't is so much better searching for something real over carry rocks which are useless and heavy anyway.
You said: My biggest dream was to be a writer and write books. Was or still is? I have read your poems and I think you're a beautiful writer. There are so many artists who turn their pain into amazing pieces of Art. There are songwriters who turn their heartbreaks into beautiful pieces of music which reaches others on a deeper level. Isn't it amazing how some people can turn something so painful and dark into a ray of light and hope. You can see your experience as a source of pain or turn it into your source of inspiration, you have that choice. The same way you choose to pick up a pen over a razor, if you want to be a writer than start writing because no one is stopping you but yourself.
You wrote: My second biggest dream is to change this world for the better. To try as hard as I can to make every person I come across be as happy as they should be. In some way I think you are by sharing your poems, by responding to other members. Even for a second for making people realize they are not alone and that someone is listening is helping in some way. Perhaps it isn't "understanding" that you should seek from your family and friends but "encouragement" for making your dreams come true. If your dreams come true, then maybe you won't be depressed therefore there is nothing to "understand". Just a thought. Maybe by shifting your thoughts to what makes you happy rather than what makes you unhappy can lead you to a way out.
I look forward to reading more of your poems, don't stop writing ^_^
x
I used to get upset and think why don't people understand? But the truth is, they don't have to. How could they... if they're not me or suffer from depression themselves. How can they understand something I can't explain or understand myself? There are professionals who study this subject for years and still not understand. So sometimes isn't it a little too much to ask for those around us to understand and help when they don't know how to. Who knows, maybe they do understand but in their own way. Just because I don't get a response or reaction that I want it doesn't mean they don't get it, they just have a very different way of dealing with it that's all. I was always more focused on the problem and those I spoke to focused on the solution. When I got asked, "How can I help you?/How can we solve this?" my answer was "I don't know". Anyway after a while I realized that I didn't want help, hugs or praise but all I needed space and I got just that. It is my job to figure out what I want and many on here need to do the same, if not how can people help if we don't even know what it is that we want.
I have wonderful parents by the way, they always try to help me but first I need to be willing to talk and accept help. My parents are both straight forward, rational and logical thinkers, the complete opposite to what I am. They don't get why I get so emotional or wound up over little things but they give me their views on my issues and how they would tackle them. Although very different to my own views, I now understand that they think the way they do because they are logical thinkers and my thoughts are all over the place. So I no longer expect them to think the way I do and just appreciate their input. So many people switch off because they automatically assume people don't understand and when someone suggests something different to their own opinion they don't want to hear it.
Anyway this is what worked for me, by looking at things from a different view point. I put myself in my parents shoes and realized how much I was making them suffer and this helped me change my attitude.
---
I have read quite a few of your posts and you are empathetic towards others. You're a good listener and people can easily warm to you, not everyone has these qualities that you have. I guess your friends don't and since you said they're not your real friends then why don't you let them go and make some real ones? I know it's like looking for diamonds in the rough but isn't is so much better searching for something real over carry rocks which are useless and heavy anyway.
You said: My biggest dream was to be a writer and write books. Was or still is? I have read your poems and I think you're a beautiful writer. There are so many artists who turn their pain into amazing pieces of Art. There are songwriters who turn their heartbreaks into beautiful pieces of music which reaches others on a deeper level. Isn't it amazing how some people can turn something so painful and dark into a ray of light and hope. You can see your experience as a source of pain or turn it into your source of inspiration, you have that choice. The same way you choose to pick up a pen over a razor, if you want to be a writer than start writing because no one is stopping you but yourself.
You wrote: My second biggest dream is to change this world for the better. To try as hard as I can to make every person I come across be as happy as they should be. In some way I think you are by sharing your poems, by responding to other members. Even for a second for making people realize they are not alone and that someone is listening is helping in some way. Perhaps it isn't "understanding" that you should seek from your family and friends but "encouragement" for making your dreams come true. If your dreams come true, then maybe you won't be depressed therefore there is nothing to "understand". Just a thought. Maybe by shifting your thoughts to what makes you happy rather than what makes you unhappy can lead you to a way out.
I look forward to reading more of your poems, don't stop writing ^_^
x
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Hey there Ieris. Thank you for responding. I live way out in the country and so many times I sit outside at night under the moon and just look up at the stars. Across the field from me there is a hill called " The Knob" and you can see the lights of the nearest city shining in the distance over the top of it.
So many times I go out there and sit all alone and I think about what is beyond the city... of all the roads , of all the towns , of all the people. Someone out there shares the same kind of pain as I do. Someone out there cries the same kind of tears as me. Even as I write this there is someone out there that is feeling as alone as I am.
I won't stop searching until I find people who are also searching for a friend who will never let them go. A friend who will always understand ... Sometimes when you don't even understand yourself ... your friend WILL understand you. As totally crazy and unlikely as that may sound. I know in my heart there are people out there like that. And I will find them someday.
I know I'll be the writer I dream of being. At least I hope and pray that I can be strong enough to make it... How soon/when it will happen I just don't know yet. That mountain of depression I try so hard to climb and keep falling back down will probably give me more bruises and scars. But I don't want to ever give up on trying to " climb " to the top of it.
Thank you so much for everything that you said. People like you give me hope. And for every person that my poems touch helps me get one step closer to my dream.
So many times I go out there and sit all alone and I think about what is beyond the city... of all the roads , of all the towns , of all the people. Someone out there shares the same kind of pain as I do. Someone out there cries the same kind of tears as me. Even as I write this there is someone out there that is feeling as alone as I am.
I won't stop searching until I find people who are also searching for a friend who will never let them go. A friend who will always understand ... Sometimes when you don't even understand yourself ... your friend WILL understand you. As totally crazy and unlikely as that may sound. I know in my heart there are people out there like that. And I will find them someday.
I know I'll be the writer I dream of being. At least I hope and pray that I can be strong enough to make it... How soon/when it will happen I just don't know yet. That mountain of depression I try so hard to climb and keep falling back down will probably give me more bruises and scars. But I don't want to ever give up on trying to " climb " to the top of it.
Thank you so much for everything that you said. People like you give me hope. And for every person that my poems touch helps me get one step closer to my dream.
Broken dreams litter
The ground at my feet
Lost love, lost friends
Did the dealer cheat
Whatever can I offer
Whatever can I give
I have nothing
I just live
I peer at a fearful world
From behind blurry eyes
I see you hiding
And then surprise
I see inside your pain
I see under your tears
Your heart is wholly broken
Your mind fenced in by fears
Can I hold your story
In this broken brain
Can I understand you
And feel all your pain
Can I suffer with you
All of your torments
Can I comfort you
As despair laments
Can I take your hand
And walk with you a mile
Instead of reaching for the end
Can you reach for a smile
Can I bring you home
And share my life with you
Will this be enough
For a friend to be true
The ground at my feet
Lost love, lost friends
Did the dealer cheat
Whatever can I offer
Whatever can I give
I have nothing
I just live
I peer at a fearful world
From behind blurry eyes
I see you hiding
And then surprise
I see inside your pain
I see under your tears
Your heart is wholly broken
Your mind fenced in by fears
Can I hold your story
In this broken brain
Can I understand you
And feel all your pain
Can I suffer with you
All of your torments
Can I comfort you
As despair laments
Can I take your hand
And walk with you a mile
Instead of reaching for the end
Can you reach for a smile
Can I bring you home
And share my life with you
Will this be enough
For a friend to be true
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
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HeatherFeather
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 2:17 am
- Location: Culver City, CA USA
Wow JonsDragonEyes, this is so touching and spot on; you are reading my mind! I too feel this way, especially today. Today is one of those "at the bottom" days, where as just a couple days ago I felt like was getting over that mountain and making real progress. I wish there was a way to keep that mountain climbing going everyday right?
Thank you for sharing your writing, it truly helped and took the sting out of my crappy day. And thank you too Creaker for your poem as well! I am seeing beautiful talent on these forums already, and I'm excited to read more of your writings!
Thank you for sharing your writing, it truly helped and took the sting out of my crappy day. And thank you too Creaker for your poem as well! I am seeing beautiful talent on these forums already, and I'm excited to read more of your writings!
Creaker,
That was a beautiful poem!
JonsDragonEyes,
You have a beautiful, amazing soul. The world needs more people like you. I think you give light to every person you "touch" with your words. Please don't let people like your "unreal" friends drag you down. You deserve SO much better and its a shame that they can't see that...but it's their loss. I have so much faith in you (and I don't even know you!) I believe that someday you will find true friends. I have a hard time believing that people like that exist, but deep down I know they do. And you are living proof. Please keep picking up that pen. Your writing is beautiful and it deeply touches others. Hang in there! And keep writing!
That was a beautiful poem!
JonsDragonEyes,
You have a beautiful, amazing soul. The world needs more people like you. I think you give light to every person you "touch" with your words. Please don't let people like your "unreal" friends drag you down. You deserve SO much better and its a shame that they can't see that...but it's their loss. I have so much faith in you (and I don't even know you!) I believe that someday you will find true friends. I have a hard time believing that people like that exist, but deep down I know they do. And you are living proof. Please keep picking up that pen. Your writing is beautiful and it deeply touches others. Hang in there! And keep writing!
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HeatherFeather
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 2:17 am
- Location: Culver City, CA USA
Yes, please continue to write. That was beautiful and so true. I sometimes feel like though there are so many people around me, I am still alone in the crowd. I've learned that having one true friend is more precious than a million fake ones. My family is of little help where my depression is concerned, but I can say my one friend is a life saver. Maybe because she deals with similar issues as I do and we can appreciate each others pain.
Writing can be so therapeutic, so keep at it. I look forward to reading more of your poetry.
Writing can be so therapeutic, so keep at it. I look forward to reading more of your poetry.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Thank you Doogie. Your words mean all the world to me right now.
And thank you too HeatherFeather I hope with all my heart someday you get to the " top of your mountain " . I promise that my fingers are ALWAYS going to be crossed for you.
Thank you also hazeleyes. I won't let people like my " friends " drag me down ever again. They are about as fake as a person can get. It's like the song " Bless the Broken Road " by a band called Rascal Flatts. In the song it refers to finding true love ... but I also think it could apply to finding real friends as well. There's a few lines in the song lyrics that goes .....
"Every long lost dream , led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart , they were like northern stars
Pointing my me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you." - Rascal Flatts
I've been listening to that song a lot lately.
Someday I know I'll find the friends I've always dreamed of. And they will help me forget every nightmare they put me through.
Thank you too Sapphire. I hope someday you find all the love and support you need. Tonight I will wish upon my special star in the night sky that wish comes true for you.
And thank you too HeatherFeather I hope with all my heart someday you get to the " top of your mountain " . I promise that my fingers are ALWAYS going to be crossed for you.
Thank you also hazeleyes. I won't let people like my " friends " drag me down ever again. They are about as fake as a person can get. It's like the song " Bless the Broken Road " by a band called Rascal Flatts. In the song it refers to finding true love ... but I also think it could apply to finding real friends as well. There's a few lines in the song lyrics that goes .....
"Every long lost dream , led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart , they were like northern stars
Pointing my me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you." - Rascal Flatts
I've been listening to that song a lot lately.
Someday I know I'll find the friends I've always dreamed of. And they will help me forget every nightmare they put me through.
Thank you too Sapphire. I hope someday you find all the love and support you need. Tonight I will wish upon my special star in the night sky that wish comes true for you.
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