Is this going to be my life?

[jhoody]

Let me say this first...I'm still in love with my husband, and I'm still married to him, and going on 12 years this month. I think I knew when I married him that he didn't have the drive to make his life a success. But I married him anyways. He made me laugh. But we got along, we were happy and had fun. Things were starting to falling to place. We both worked, and I had started to take fertility meds to get pregnant. But things changed. In September, 2002 my husband needed me to take him to the ER. Never telling me what was wrong, just that he needed to go. Once the nurses kept badgering him on if he took any type of drug, ( I knew he didn't), he admitted that he took METH. My heart felt like it died. He broke my heart. Was my husband a druggie...an addict? He ended up never leaving the house for 3 months. I was the one working. He was diagnosed with ANXIETY/ PANIC disorder. He couldn't do anything. Everything was on my shoulders. All the Dr visits, the meds, mental hospitals, wondering how to pay the bills..I was alone. Oh, my family was there, but they never knew the real truth of how bad things were. My parents wanted me to leave him. I couldn't tell them what really happened. They just saw their daughter working, taking care of the husband, and stressing over this new life I am forced into. I would cry on the way home from work. My hubby was only concerned with himself, I know now, thats a symptom of anxiety, but what about me? Did he cared about what I was going thru? I take my depression meds, but they don't always help. All it seemed I did was cry and beg him to work. We almost lost our apartment, and my truck. And with everything that happened, it was never the right time to start a family. He has gotten a lot better, and can work now. Go out and do things. But I cant help blaming him for ruing my life. I sometimes think I deserve this...Husband with no drive or ambition, no kids. This is what I get for being fat and ugly. My parents have been helping me financially. Now I feel like I am a loser. My husband lost his job 6 months ago. We both decided to take advantage of this time for him to go to school. We have his disability, and my paychecks, but its never enough. I feel like I am the only one who cares. That he thinks my parents will give us the money. I try to get my parents to believe that I'm OK. I'm not tired, or working myself to death, while my husband sits around. Yea...it sometimes bothers me, but I got really good at putting up a good front, and telling them what they need to hear. If they new the truth, they would think bad of my hubby. It has been so bad these last 6 years. I even thought "How great would it be if I was in a car accident" . Would my hubby be sad, would only my family care....I just think it would show me how much he cares. Does he need me because he loves me, or because he needs a caretaker? I look at him, and sometimes hate him for what he has done to me. Hate him for ruing our live. Other times I look at him, and feel completely in love with him. We still have great times(he still opens doors for me). I have realized that some of the he is because of his parents, and I blame them. But I also blame myself. If I wasn't ugly or fat, then would I have made something of my life? Would I have the house, kids, both of us working, and able to pay our bills, and not depend on my parents? I guess this is the life I deserve. To have nothing, and be an ugly fat loser.

[shmuel]

Hi and welcome jhoody,
It does sound as if you are burning out.You always seem to be giving.
It sounds as if you are running out of energy,burning out
I suggest you start looking and thinking about charging up your batteries.When was the last time you did something for yourself?
Have you thought about taking a break.

In my experience it`s a normal reaction..the blame game.
My fault,his fault, their fault.... it`s so important to loose these thoughts ..kick em out..this is where support comes into our lives.

Maybe you have a close friend who you can trust and share your feelings with openly...someone who accepts you and won`t judge you (not so easy that one)
Visit your GP,local church or library and ask about support groups in your area.
Online forums like here

Main thing is to start thinking about your needs..its not selfish it`s what you will need to conquer the problems which are bringing you down,burning you out.
Start making little plans that will bring some fresh thoughts and feelings into your life.
In my opinion this is where support from others is indispensable.
Regular opportunities of sharing your day to day thoughts.
Slowly changing our thoughts - getting rid of the hopelessness .. it might seem like an unmoveable mountain at the moment...but I do believe it can be moved...lets start with just a few pebbles every day.

Keep in touch.
Hugs and you are in my thoughts.. take care

[JudeB]

Hi,

Maybe you aren't ready to hear this, but I am saying it anyway. You are an amazing person to be able to bear this load and stand by your man!

That being said; it sure sounds like YOU could use some TLC, big time!
Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? Or, are you afraid that if you confide in him, that it will somehow be more than HE can bear?

I worry, quite often, about my husband. No, he doesn't have depression. But, he has ME...and I have depression. We talk about it when he starts feeling overwhelmed.(He is our family's sole provider.) Even knowing that he can't help financially, I bet it would help both of you for your husband to give YOU some TLC. (speaking as a person that is the permanent party-pooper; I am thrilled when I can do the helping for MY husband, for a change!)

As for you being fat and ugly; you aren't exactly an impartial observer.(PLease, keep that in mind)
I expect you are NOT fat and ugly, but, even if you are; you still deserve happiness!

Besides all of my blathering, it sounds like YOU are struggling with depression yourself.(Just my opinion.)
My suggestion? Talk to your husband. It sounds like this is a way for HIS experiences to help YOU!

Just my thoughts.

[hey-its-ok]

you have gone through a lot...but hang on in there, the sun has to shine one day, take things one day at a time, one step at a time, life is full of challenges, and we all have to face them and overcome them... you are not facing all these alone, and there are many nice people in this forum that will help you go through all these...