Three steps back

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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bookwyrm
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Jul 06, 2008 10:15 pm

Three steps back

Postby bookwyrm » Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:02 pm

About a year ago a girl and her family moved in next door to me. I was a shy lonely college student who had never had a girlfriend. I decided to try for once in my life and e-mailed her(for she had already left for college by the time I had decided). She answered back and we began talking to eachother through e-mail for the first semester. While I waited for her to get back home, I worked out, stopped drinking soda, and actually lost 30lbs. I was only 180 beforehand but it gave me more confidence. Our e-mails were light and just about school and that sort of thing. When she got back three months later I went to the mall with her and took her to a football game. I started talking to her through myspace and aim, and eventually she told me her secret. She was gay. Now I wasnt that let down, that part didnt really hurt that much. We became friends and I started to tell her more about me, most importantly that I was depressed and suicidal since middle school. At first she comforted me and was there to talk, and that really helped me with the whole situation.

Of course she had to go back to school and when she did her time available for me shortened. She didnt answer all of my texts or my messages, sometimes it would be weeks before I heard from her. Being as unstable as I am, I went through a time of feeling good when she talked to me and bad when she didnt, and I told her that a few times. Our relationship was tested and dragged through the mud. I thought she didnt care about me. I know that I still liked her a lot and I kind of thought highly of her. She really is outgoing and has tons of friends, she's the kind of person I normally would hate. But she was an exception, because I kind of loved her. Since she told me about herself I never thought about her in a sexual way, but I felt that she was a really good friend, my ONLY friend, and it was hard to let that go. My therapist kept telling me she was being a bad friend, I just wouldnt see it.

Eventually I woke up and was tired of everything. I stopped being friends on facebook and myspace and didnt go on aim at all. I couldnt talk to her even if I wanted. For three months I stayed inside, only going out to go to work. I stopped working out and didnt play basketball or hang out with my brother. He went out everyday and a group of kids ended up hanging out right in front of our house. I disliked them, to say the least. I was actually ok during that time, nothing bothered me or hurt me.

Then she came home for the summer. Right when I saw her car I was uneasy. I didnt want to approach her, and I didnt, she asked my brother to get me one day. They were all hanging out outside. The one thing I didnt want happening was her to become friends with those kids outside. I couldnt have fun with her or talk to her and I didnt want them to either. An unrealistic and selfish wish, I know.

So I went out and hung out with them. It was ok. I didnt talk much but I didnt feel too anxious. But I saw that she liked these kids. One of them in particular I hated. He was just like her, outgoing and likes to party and drink. I saw them becoming friends. It hurt.

A few days later they were outside and when I went out too, they all left in her car, even my brother left me there standing. I knew that I wasnt cut out for that. I actually cut myself for the first(and last) time that day. I needed to remember who I was. I felt better immediately. I stayed in for a few days and layed low. But my stomach still hurt whenever I saw her outside. I had to talk to her, so I sent her a message saying how I stopped going outside those three months and how I couldnt hang out like everyone else.

The fourth of july weeked came and I heard through my brother that she was going to party with two of the kids that hung out all the time. That really broke me. I thought I would be done with her after that. It was hard to actually see the person she was, the kind of person I should never be friends with.

After a week she responded to my message. She said that she cant possibly understand what Im going through but that she still feels for me. But she said that she was just a stupid 19 year old girl, she cant handle my problems at this point in her life. She said I have to stop obsessing over the fact that I cant hang out with anyone. She told me that friends are good, they offer kindness, and she hopes that I find someone like that. She said it was honestly not her though, but that person does exist. I felt finality in that message, but it made me feel better. I understood everything she was saying. That was the girl I used to know. So I thought everything would be alright.

I worked out yesterday, and tried to feel better. I went and got ice cream with my brother, that was fun. I actually invited her but she was out. Today I thought I would even hang out with them outside after work. I did, mainly because the guy I hated wasnt there. But eventually he came out, of her house... He had been hanging out with her and her 14 year old sister(whom he's in a relationship with) for a while. I had to go inside after that. I was already feeling bad so I thought I might as well go on her facebook and see what was up. She posted pictures of the party they had. Right in front of me was the girl I loved, shitfaced with two guys I hated.

So here I am, kind of wrecked right now. I had the urge to talk to her about it but thats really out of the question I suppose. I am supposed to be trying to be a normal friend to her, like everyone else is, but its looking hard at the moment. Its really been all or nothing with me. Either be friends with her or with no one. Now Im thinking over whether I want to feel better anymore. I knew something would bring me down, it always does. Why should I work out and feel better when the next day I feel even worse than before?

Well, thank you for reading if you have, Im glad to have a place to vent. I hope this doesnt seem trivial compared to some of your problems, I hate sounding like a teenaged girl gossiping about her friends.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:02 pm

(((((((((((((((((((((bookwyrm))))))))))))))))))))))

Depression is never trivial. Thank you for sharing with us, hoping that venting in this manner gives you some type of help.

Please know it is read, just wanted to send you a hug.

Warmie 8)

bookwyrm
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Jul 06, 2008 10:15 pm

Postby bookwyrm » Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:17 pm

Thanks, Warmie. I've talked about it a lot recently to those close to me and my anxiety is subsiding.
Though I still get a pain in my gut everytime I see her outside... But yes it helped to vent :)

(((((Warmie))))))

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29195
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
Contact:

Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:18 pm

(((((((((((((((((((( bookwyrm ))))))))))))))))))))))

So glad you replied. Thank you and keep it up!!!!!! Venting is the key to so much.

Warmie 8)


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