Just my story (less what's still to be written)

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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BlackMedick
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Jan 29, 2014 4:58 pm

Just my story (less what's still to be written)

Postby BlackMedick » Thu Jan 30, 2014 3:16 pm

So, my story...

I was born in Florida, but I lived most of my life in Paris. That's a detail I guess, but I've always missed Orlando, the smell of rain and nature in the morning and the scorching hot sun.

I was happy as a child. A bit shy, and as I grew older, maybe more into books than people, but I was happy anyway. My parents had that gigantic house with an enormous garden, I still remember how I loved it.

The downsides where my parent's constant fights. My father was a weak weak man, and my mother a very sad, very bipolar woman. I still don't know if I loved or hated her, she was just as much kisses than punches. She eventually grew tired of trying and killed herself. A few meds, a rope. I was thirteen, and very much there.

It took some time to stop hating her. Then some more to stop hating myself. For not waking up that night, for not understanding. I was a walking vegetable for some years before real despair kicked in. When it did, I drugged myself in every possible ways, cut my body all over, abused people's love to selfishly try to feed the hungry monster inside of me and basically pretended to be some kind of silly object with no feelings, to forget how overwhelming the pain had become. Then I started plotting my own death. I would look at the railways with longing, wishing to be crushed and gone. But in the end, as I had been acquainted with razor blades through cutting, it was my obvious choice. I can't even count how many times I tried and failed, just to feel even more miserable.

One day I realized I couldn't take it anymore. And since I couldn't seem to find the courage to end it all, I showed up at one of Paris' psychiatric hospital, drunk and tired, and asked for them to lock me up. So they did. I was done with the world. Done with its absurdity.

I found solemn in the people around me. Most of them seemed to live in a different world and talked a language I couldn't understand but somehow soothed me with its absence of meaning. My world was only a room, windows with no handles and broken peoples, just like me. Because there was nothing to fear anymore, nothing to expect and enough pills in my system to keep me lulled in some kind of dreamland, I started writing again. Pages and pages, hundreds of them. I would write all day long, stopping only for cigarette's breaks and therapy sessions. Then one day I felt ready. I started to talk to others, the ones who where there because of the same illness as me.

When I left the hospital, I could see the colors again. No more black, white and grey. A real rainbow up there. I felt peaceful. I felt okay.

Of course such a state didn't last, I stopped the meds and eventually reverted to my old bad habits. And right now I'm feeling very empty and sick with the world, very unable to connect with other people, very unable to live. At least I now know I never wanted to die, it was Depression all along, convincing me I wanted to.

I decided to write here to share my experience with you guys, and read about other's experiences. I know very well this state of emptiness I'm in is no mystery to you all. I suppose knowing I'm not alone is important. And I think reaching out to others is the one true way of getting cured.

Thank you for reading,

fallen
Posts: 264
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:04 am

Postby fallen » Thu Jan 30, 2014 11:26 pm

wow , you have had a lot to go through.
my question would be if the meds did work why did you stop them ?
because rainbows are better than the grey.
have you written a book ?
maybe you should think about it.
take care

BlackMedick
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Jan 29, 2014 4:58 pm

Postby BlackMedick » Fri Jan 31, 2014 1:53 pm

I'm not sure why I stopped the meds...I think it might have been partly because I had less energy because of it, but again, I don't have much more without it. I must have grown too confident in my newfound capacity to be happy, and figured I could manage without the help of drugs. And I did for some time.

I'm thinking about taking medication again, even if just something weaker. What I had back then was pretty strong.

And yes I've been thinking about writing a book for a long time, but my mind is closed right now, I don't have any inspiration to write anymore.

fallen
Posts: 264
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:04 am

Postby fallen » Fri Jan 31, 2014 9:18 pm

i am not one to push meds, in my opinion , they are a short term solution , but it worked for you, so maybe you got to confidant too early , as you said .
going back on them could help you bring you back to a certain point of thinking.
then whilst you are on them , create a routine in your life, find the little things that do bring you contentment .
then when you decide to come off the meds again this routine , this strategy for living your life is already in place.
just a thought !
take care
p.s perhaps your inspiration to write will return.

Ieris
Posts: 217
Joined: Sat Nov 23, 2013 1:36 am
Location: London

Postby Ieris » Sat Feb 01, 2014 1:24 pm

Hello BlackMedick,

Thank you for sharing your story. When I first read your posts, a quote came to mind:

"Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain"

It doesn't always rain and rainbows won't always appear but your memory of it should be enough for you to know it does exist. Your world maybe colorless but it is down to you to paint it, as it will not paint itself. There are many people in this world who make their marks and add their color but if you don't believe or refuse to open your eyes then you will never see it.

Do you know what it is that you bothering you and making you sad? Is it something from your past or something that is happening now? It may all stem from your mothers death but only you truly know what it is. You said you used to write a lot, perhaps that can help you find your answer. I believe sometimes we have to go backwards in order to move forward. If you figure out what it is that made you fall down then you know where it is your need to go to pick yourself back up.

x


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