first time post

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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katiec1984
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:47 am
Location: Birmingham

first time post

Postby katiec1984 » Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:52 am

I don't really know how to start so I'm just gonna write what I sent to the Samaritans via email this morning:
Hi I rang the phoneline yesterday and found that talking about stuff really helped me and so I thought I would write to you as writing things down really helps to make it clearer in my head.

I want to start by telling you my story so that you can understand how I came to be in the mess that I am in.

My parents divorced when I was about 8 and it was a difficult divorce; very bitter and unpleasant. My dad had left my mum for another woman and so he had moved out but had set days when he was allowed to visit myself and my younger brother and for a while things were sort of settled, slightly more pleasant. But one Friday around a year after the separation my Dad came round to see myself anf my brother as usual and started rowing with my grandparents (my mums parents) who were also visiting. It was bad and my grandparents got very upset and then that night after he had gone home my granddad died, in a weird way I felt that my dad was responsible - he'd died of a burst ulcer on his appendix and I guess as I got older I felt that the stress of the row had made my granddad die. Because of that I felt a lot of confusion - i felt bad for thinking that about my dad, I felt bad because my granddad had died and in a weird way I hated myself for just wishing that my family hadn't broken up. Then my dad became difficult as my mum became involved with another man and he said he wanted my mum to sell the family house and so we had to move to the new mans house even though we had not known him very long - this was difficult and i didn't feel ready for it all but didn't know how to tell anyone as i didn't want to make my mum feel guilty for it. When we moved i was in year 6 and because we'd moved to a different village it meant that i had to go to a different secondary school when i was old enough - this school was one that none of my friends were going to and i felt all the nervousness of starting a new school and living in a new village and not knowing anyone. i'd always been a quiet type of kid and felt a bit different cos i was clever and enjoyed doing stuff that other kids didn't really......i thought i'd made friends when i started secondary school but it quickly transpired that the other girls were using me so that they could copy my work etc as i was so quick to want to please people that i did as i was asked despite all the horrible things they would say to me everyday. i felt miserable and used to cry constantly when i thought noone could see, i didn't think i could talk to anyone as i was worried bout making them feel bad or worry. one day one of the girls caught me crying and asked me what was wrong and i don't know why i did it but i said it was because my dad was dying. he wasn't - it just came out of my mouth in a panic and then i couldn't take it back because they were being so nice to me. i think that i equated alot of my problems with my dad at that time because i thought it was his fault i had to move etc and by this time he was coming to visit my brother less and less frequently. i eventually got caught out in the lie and afterwards i didn't do it again because i knew it was wrong and just felt relief for it being out in the open. eventually i started to make friends at school and felt better especially when we moved back to burton. all was fine for a while after this.

then just before the christmas after i had turned 16 my dad hadn't been to see myself and my brother for a while and he owed my mum quite a lot of maintenance money and i felt bad about this as myself and my brother were the ones who had to take it from my dad and give it to my mum at the end of the month, and on this occassion (it was a monday after the sunday he was meant to fetch us - by now he'd gone from seeing us 3-4 times a week to just once on a sunday when he could be bothered to turn up) my mum asked me to ring him and ask when she would get the money. i did and my dad was very short and said he couldn't pay because he had other things to pay for (by now he'd got 2 more kids and my mum had 1 more and another on the way at that time). my mum was annoyed by this response as she felt that he was putting his other children first and so she drove myself and my brother over to his house and told him that if he wouldn't pay his maintenance then he would have to gave us all of the time and she would pay him maintenance. she then drove off and left me and my brother on the doorstep - my dad didn't come out even though we were crying. eventually my mum came back and tried banging on his door again but he wouldn't come out and when she was banging she put her arm through the glass on the door and cut it badly - she went to hospital and took me and my brother home with her. the next day my dad said he wouldn't come and see us again and for a very long time we had no contact at all with him. this was hard but i started to get over it but it hit my brother much harder than it did me i think and he started behaving oddly and threatening to hurt me, it got so bad that my mum wouldn't leve us in the house alone together and she didn't like leaving my younger brother at home with him either because he would be mean to him. he was meant to be seeing a doctor to sort this out but once he got to 16 he stopped going and the doctor said my mum couldn't force him to go because of his age. my mum had had her new baby by now and i think things were obviously very stressful as even in the evenings only one out of me and my brother could be with my mum and stepdad in the sitting room as he refused to be where i was. i guess it all got a bit much but me and my mum started not getting on very well. one particular sunday my mum and stepdad had a huge row and at one stage left the house - i was frightened by this and how upset my little brother was getting and so locked the doors behind them so they couldn't get back in - it was silly but i was very scared. my other brother let them back in and my mum was furious at me, i was scared and ran away to the local church. the service was just ending and the vicar took me in and asked me what had happened. he then helped me to call my nan (my dads mum who i had just got back in contact with) and she arranged for me to go and stay with her. my nan always went to bingo on a sunday evening with my uncle (who lived with her) and one of her friends and so i was going to go with them rather than stay on my own in her flat. i was doing my gcses at the time and had forgotten to take my school tie with me so arranged to go to my mums and pick it up and then meet my nan. when i got there my mum was very apologetic and we spoke and i decided to come back the next day after my exam. i did and for a few weeks it was ok - she even let me have a few friends around to have a few drinks in the garden to celebrate finishing our exams. a few days after this i asked if my boyfriend could stay over - not to have sex but just because he lived far away and it was hard to see each other as by now i had started working over the summer ready to help fund my a-levels. my mum said yes but then the following morning she changed her mind (whilst he was still upstairs)...this led to a big row and i left and went back to my nans for good this time. for a while i continued to visit them on weekends in my lunchbreak from my job. however my brother was still being difficult about me and becoming worse (i don't really want to go into all his details though as i feel that its kinda unfair in some way) and just before christmas i was going to get a prize at the school prize evening and had invited my mum and stepdad and posted them the tickets as i hadn't had time to go over and give them to them. on the day of the prize evening i rang up because i thought it was weird i hadn't heard from them and my brother picked up, he said that they didn't want to see me again and not to call again....i believed it because given what my dad had done it didn't seem so far fetched. so i left it and didn't contact them again.

i tried just getting on with my life and was starting to feel fine when my dad turned up one day out of the blue...i wasn't sure i wanted to see him but was persuaded to give him a chance. we began trying to get on and i really tried to be the kind of daughter he wanted but i was ambitious and wanted to go to uni and do well because the only thing i ever felt i was any good at was being clever. my dad was old-fashioned and controlling and didn't approve but i didn't want to be controlled....as i got to know him more i felt that he was not a nice man at all.....one day he even said he didn't have to pay any back-dated maintenance for me because i wasn't his despite the fact that i looked like him. this hurt greatly and has made me feel so utterly rejected and horrible. since then i have tried to always do as people asked because the fear of people leaving me was so great.

when i got to uni the shame of the rejection got greater as people i got to know all had families around them that were loving etc and i felt that there must be something greatly wrong with me for my family to not be like that. so i started telling little lies when people asked me about my family, saying that my parents were together, things like that. i never believed the lies, i knew they were false and always felt bad for saying them but i was so ashamed that other people would find out what my dad ahd done and how i didn't speak to my mum and wouldn't want to know me. eventually i came to realise that this was wrong and decided to break off contact with my dad as i felt it wasn't helping me. after a few months i then decided to try and build bridges with my mum and got into contact with her. this was difficult and we didn't talk about anything that had happened whilst we were not in contact - this was hard as during this time i had been raped and had also got involved in a relationship with someone i had briefly been involved with at school (the one my mum had thrown out that time) and he was controlling and disapproved of me going out etc so i became very isolated and not used to talking to people - i kept bottling things up. things got better with my mum and we could spend time together but i still couldn't tell her this sort of stuff. and it was difficult when i visited as my brother was now worse and so it was hard being there.

last spetember i started a new course and broke up with my controlling ex. i met someone knew and everything started to be good except for one thing - the person who had raped me was on the course and it brought back all the memories i had suppressed. i told the new guy i was with about it and that helped so much but i started to feel bad for burdening him and worried about why he would be with me. i started telling him lies about my family situation and then told him a lots of lies about things i had done in the past, hoping to impress him and make him want to stay with me. but then i fell really in love with this guy (his name is Stu) and he moved in and it became hard because i didn't know how to take it back. but i was in such a state because the lies were so massive - i said i was going to the olympics and that he and his family could come with me - i know it was stupid but i wanted to feel good enough for him and his family. he found out on saturday when the team list was released on the internet but i still couldn't tell the truth straight away - it took until monday for that to happen. and then it all got too much and he left to go home and check his parents were ok and i felt such a panic that i was being rejected again even though he said he was coming back. i cut myself and sent him a photo of it.....he called the police and some paramedics came and took me to hospital. he also went and told my mum everything i'd done after finding her address. i'd also taken money from him as i used his credit card - i've started paying it back (not that that makes it right) but had gotten into a bit of a financial mess because of debts left by my ex.

since this has happened i've been to see my gp and also arranged counselling which Stu said he would come to. i just feel a bit confused about what to do as i obviously still love him and he said he loves me still a little and that he enjoys my company still (when i'm being honest) but it feels weird as hes only moved some of his stuff out and made a comment about leaving his dressing gown here as "a good sign" but when i talk about maybe being together when i'm better he changes what he says....i know i'm sort of pressuring him and i don't mean to but its hard when theres still feelings there and hes saying he wants to spend time together doing normal stuff cos i see that as a good sign for me being able to try and win his trust back and go back to what we had......i'm not sure if we could ever be just friends but am worried incase thats just me having a sensitive reaction to this at the moment and so don't want to lose contact with him....i just don't know what its acceptable to do or say and he finds it difficult to talk about and it just goes round in circles which doesn't help either of us. i just feel weird inside and when i see him...........i don't know what to do for the best as i think that by going to the counselling and sorting myself out like i am doing now will give us a chance but don't feel we can talk about it and feel awkward bout doing or saying stuff around him incase it moves too soon and scares him away. just some advice woudl be great....because by talking/writing i already feel so much better and am making strides and already know that this will never happen again as the upset it has cuased has affected me so deeply........i just don't know how to show that i am really getting better because i can't explain how i'm feeling inside properly so people don't realise how much progress i've already made. i know its not even a week yet but because its all been so built up the release has made such a massive change and after talking to my mum i don't feel that i deserve to be rejected etc. how can i show other people the difference in me? what should i do?

Katie

shmuel
Posts: 93
Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:35 pm

Postby shmuel » Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:41 pm

Hi and a warm welcome katiec1984.
Thanks so much for sharing your life experiences with us.
It´s so good to hear that you have found some professionl support and that you are finding that talking and writing about your anguish is helping you in a positive way.
Do you also keep a journal/diary about your feelings and thoughts?

You mentioned that you don`t know how to show that your getting better.
In my opinion I think that your positive feelings will come out on their own.There is no need to force them out.
Altough after reading your story I think I understand why you would have that feeling that they should be up in "bright lights".

Take your time and you will be the one who shines.
Be honest with those that you love and respect.
Build up a pool of people around you who you can really talk to about your worries.
Doctors,Counselors,support groups and last but certainly not least us ;)

Take care you and I`ll(we) be looking forward to chatting with you again.[/b]

katiec1984
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:47 am
Location: Birmingham

Postby katiec1984 » Sat Jul 05, 2008 5:00 pm

thanks for reading it all the way through - I hadn't realised it was so long! And yeah it kinds seems like if theres no big signal that I'm better then people won't believe me when it finally happens, but I'm working on it so hopefully people will begin to see it. Thanks for the offers of support, it is such a help to have people who are not judging despite all the terrible things I've done. I found the chatroom really good and have already had a few chats with people, its nice to know that there is always someone there to listen, and who I can listen to in return.

And nope I don't keep a journal but am beginning to think about it.

Thanks for the welcome

Katietron
Posts: 131
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 4:42 am

Postby Katietron » Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:09 am

Hi and welcome:)
You got to take care of yourself first right now. Deal with everything, come in terms with everything that has happened in your own comfortable way.

I wish you the best. :)

MoMac
Posts: 51
Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:44 pm

Postby MoMac » Sun Jul 06, 2008 7:31 pm

(((((((((((Katiec)))))))))))).

I hope to see you in chat at some time.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29195
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sat Jul 12, 2008 3:58 pm

(((((((((((((((((( katiec ))))))))))))))))))))

Hug for you, with good thoughts coming your way.

Warmie/Jeanie 8)


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