my story of pain, abuse and anger

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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sigmund
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my story of pain, abuse and anger

Postby sigmund » Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:10 am

i am in australia and I lost dad before i was 2,was abused in everyway as a kid, then i abused my own kids,animals and verbally abused my OH. and for last 15 years i have suffered with panic attacks,fear of people i just feel angry 24/7 when i do lose it i kind of black out and lash out when i come back i am shaking,sweating and crying.i have tried my GP but all she does is up my meds hate councelling as i hate talking.i DO love my animals and OH and have no idea why i want to hurt them.hate me if you want can't be worse than i hate myself.
all i want is to be normal and stop feeling sad, angry and tired. does anyone have hints on how to mangage my temper? how i can change?
Last edited by sigmund on Mon Jun 30, 2008 3:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

Emotional_77
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Postby Emotional_77 » Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:32 am

(((((((((((((((((Sigmund))))))))))))))))))))

cody56
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Postby cody56 » Sun Jun 29, 2008 2:52 pm

I don't think anyone here is going to hate you. -hug-

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sigmund
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Postby sigmund » Mon Jun 30, 2008 3:14 am

thank you so much. has anyone heard or tried mood stabliser medication? i have just heard of them and i thought if i could go onto these i might not be scared or have a panic attack and i could conquer my past through councelling. is there such a medication that will help my mood? at present i am listening to hypn CD's. my meds haven't been changed in years and have been on one for over 15 years, another over 12 and the last over 8 years. any help would be ace and thanks for the welcome :!:

shmuel
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Postby shmuel » Mon Jun 30, 2008 9:13 am

In my humble opinion dear sigmund do make sure that you have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist or other mental health specialist.
Also keep in mind that medications are just one part of the therapy thats going to help you.In my opinion if you just concentrate on meds its like painting over that damp patch on ya wall... sonner or later the damp will come back.
Apart from the meds you should really be talking regularly with some one too and looking for other forms of support.How about finding a face to face support group in your area.
If your unhappy,unsure about the effectiveness of your current doctors therapy then look for another one.You don`t have to change your GP but a visit to a psychiatrist or other mental health professional.
I know how difficult it is to get organised or make plans when we are burdoned with our mental problems.But that`s exactly what we need... and that`s where support groups and talking about it really helps.
The main point is - don`t give up..and keep talking,brainstorming.I look forward to hearing from you soon... lets make a plan :D

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sigmund
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Postby sigmund » Mon Jun 30, 2008 11:50 am

i have had panic attacks for 15 years, i have seen 3 psychiatrist , one went straight to his presciption pad, the second asked questions and wrote my answers down, the last a female said 6you can not get over any form of abuse unless you can honestly say you enjoyed it.
i have also tried hynotherapy but this particular therapist was touchy feeling and i freaked out and had a panic attack whilst under and felt twice as helpless as before.
when i go to councelling, i would look at the persons face and feel myself blackening out like going under hypno and i would freak and have a panic attack.
i did say in my last post if i could get these mood meds i could then after a month or 2 on them see a councellor again and try to work through the mess i call my life.
but have to wait till next week as my GP is booked up.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sat Jul 12, 2008 3:44 pm

((((((((((((((( sigmund))))))))))))))))))

How you doing? Did you get that appointment, if so how did it go?

Warmie 8)

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sigmund
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Postby sigmund » Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:05 pm

okay things have changed here in oz since i saw a psycharist(sp) with the new medicare rules i can only see one for one free visit after that i have to pay the gap which would be $50.00AUD upwards :shock: :shock: so i have decided to go for a once of pyschartic assessment whidh i have rang up and they will let me know when a space is available. so for now am still waiting. i am using the self help CD's where they hynotise you, i now have a bit more control of my temper, i know to apologise when i do lose it. am also waiting for a space to open up for marriage councelling. you'd think after nearly 25 years we'd have that down pact.
haven't been on for a while as have been trying to get an avatar on here and i think hubby bought a bug home as i feel off colour. because of my panic attacks, fear of people i only go out shopping (very quickly) vet and doctors apart from these i am home 24/7 which could also be a reason for my temper.
at present am trying to keep busy so have no time to get angry, have just bought an antenna and everything needed and now am trying to find someone to install it that won't cost the earth. we have NO outdoor antenna in the 20 nyears we have been here.
so since my last post i am trying to work out what triggers my anger, what are the signs, and to learn to breathe when i am angry. but if i do lose my temper i try to apologise as soon as possible and NEVER go to bed angry. thanks for you concern. guess i have been spending too much time on the UK guinea pig forum too. thanks again. :D

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:22 pm

(((((((((((((((((( sigmund )))))))))))))))))))

Wow!!!!!!!!!!! Very impressed with you and the steps you are taking. All forward. Way To Go!!

You hang in there, vent away, get it out and hopefully this will only help to make you stronger.

Thank so much for the update.

Good thoughts for you

Warmie 8)

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sigmund
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my crazy family and my first memory

Postby sigmund » Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:08 pm

as you have no journals here i have written this;
i thought it might help to write in bits my family history and my life and read it over and over again to help me realise what had happened and that it happened years ago and they can't hurt me anymore.



it is 3.44am tuesday july 15th here, and it is chilly, wet and windy. saw terrible fires on the news in california a few weeks back, i have relatives there in a place called angel camp, i also have relatives in harrogate north yorkshire, about 10 years ago i never knew they were there. i use to go to the library to do family tree research and went to a site call ancestry.com and typed in granddad's name william john dunn and i found one entry of his death and ian found another it was of his birth so i contacted the person who submitted the family tree and found we're related. her mother's father was grand dad's brother, granddad was born in england wiltshire, he joined the navy, age 20 he had TB some doctors said wet climate others said hot climate so he came to australia. he had no money so he worked his way across stoking the fires of the ship, cause he was sick they locked him down there. he arrived in 1920 in 1924 he married grandma and in 1925 dad was born. when granddad was sick people stayed well clear of him and the family, like if granddad was walking along in front of the bank you wanted to go to you would deliberately cross over so as to not go near him and then walk 10 minutes more so if any germs were about they would be gone by the time you got there. people didn't hide how they felt about granddad's illness and dad copped a lot at school too. anyway in 1936 granddad passed away 2 weeks before his 36th birthday. grandma remarried and in 1940 had a daughter, dad joined the railways, but dad never forgave people for how they treated his father and his family so he kept to himself and never made friends and harldy spoke to anyone. he drunk alot and took up amatuer boxing and had the nick name of killer dunn. he met mum and in july 1960 they were married, i was born 5 years later and after an illness where dad would double over clutching his stomach, face going red, body swelled up he passed away in 1966 age 41, death certificate said it was myrocardial failure. mum moved back to her mother, 2 brothers and stepfather(her father and mother had 9 kids 2 died as babies and her father was working 2 jobs to make ends meet. on his 25th wedding anniversary he was coming home on the tram when he had a heart attack and died. he was 47) and my earliest childhood memory is being 3 years old in a room i shared, i had mum on one side and my uncle on the other. my earliest memory is waking up as a 3 year old in my uncle's bed where he was on top of me, whilst i can remember asking him to stop and crying i was told if i told anyone he would get into trouble and go to jail and i would be thrown out onto the streets as no one would want to know me. then at age 6 step grandfather also started to abuse me, age 10 my cousin who was the same age as me but 9 months younger, at age 13 my other uncle started and at age 18 my uncle by marriage. i grew up thinking it was normal, also encountered a few flashers too, now i know it wasn't normal and thinking did i have a sign on my back saying hurt me and abuse me? there was also violence and arguements as stepgrandad drank and grandma wanted to be in charge of everything and everyone. sadly i waited till all the abusers passed away before i told anyone, after grandma passed away in 1995 mum and i fell out she turned to her sister, i was angry and wrote nasty letters to mum, i did write many times to apologise but never heard back then in august 2006 my aunt came round and said hate me if you want to but glenda (my mum) is dead. well we went down there and mum was in a shocking condition, she was only 39kgs, she wouldn't eat only drank coffee and bum sucked cigarettes, she would bathe, use the toilet, she wouldn't sleep in a bed. she had these ulcers on her legs which she had picked, on her right leg she had gone right down to the skeletal muscle. so there was proof mum was abused but not enough to stand up in court. they knew mum was not right in her mind, and she had a minor stroke (autopsy showed scarring in brain tissue only a stroke could cause) that mum might not have known she had one. anyway my aunt knew mum was sick mum lived with her brother who was born with water on the brain(because of this his step father use to beat him up as a child)anyway my aunt would say to mum please glenda see a doctor, mum would say no so my aunt left her there. after mum's funeral, my other aunt asked her sister don't you think mary would have liked to see her mother alive? well the aunt said mary didn't deserve to see her mother alive as mary has been telling lies about the famil and about having affairs with the family (the abuse) well the aunt shut up as she too was abused by stepfather and someone else whom she won't tell me who it was. so now you know how sick my family is, my aunt was all lovey dovey when mum passed away, i organised everything for mum's funeral, i wrote the eulogy, the prayers, organised the priest everything, but mum wasn't even cold in her grave before my aunt shut me out again and treated me like crap. even now she still treats me like shit, when grandma passed away she left my aunt as excector of her will which was everything was left to my mother and my uncle for their life time and then everything went to my aunt and other siblings get $50.00, well my aunt is carrying on even when mum was alive that everything is hers now and she runs my uncles life and won't even let him let me into the house to go through mum's things, everytime we go there we have to talk to him on the front verandah. sorry for rambling on i is so bored, ian is not home yet from the pamphlets and i have no piggy forum. i will never forget (just after mum's funeral before we went to the cemetery, all my aunt and her daughter could think about was how fat my other aunt was and that really shitted me off!) it was mum's funeral and all i could think about was mum, the pain i caused her, the diappointment i was to her for being a girl etc and that i never got a chance to say i was sorry, that i loved her and to hug her and never let go, and all my aunt and her daughter could think about was how fat someone was.soory tyhe tears are rolling down my face and i can't dsee the keyboard. i don't care what anyone says my aunt killed mty mother and i will NEVER forgive her! but then i will never forgive myself either. part tweo in a few days, please no nasty comments i couldn't bear it. it took a lot of courage for me to put this where starngers can see it and read it.

i am feeling sad and am still crying when i think of my mum and the suffering she went through but i am no longer feeling angry in losing my temper for now. but the day is early.

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sigmund
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so weird

Postby sigmund » Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:49 am

the last few days have not felt much at all it is like i am void of all feeling. have lost temper with OH but it just doesn't seem to bother me. it is like i am a robot and i am going through the motions. it is weird though great in a way as being this way my emotions especially my anger isn't running riot.

i have never known happiness but have known depression, sadness, anger all my life but i don't feel these either i feel nothing.

have not felt like this since my mum passed away in august 2006, it is like the numb feeling you get when you lose a loved one.

i am wondering if it is the calm before the storm? only time will tell on that one. still waiting for an appointment to open up for me to get an assessment.

why is it that things always run slowly? will just have to keep going as i have been until i get to see someone.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:57 am

(((((((((((((((( sigmund))))))))))))))

Perhaps you had some happiness with your mother, draw on that.

Losing loved ones isn't an easy thing. Would never tell anyone that it is. It takes so long to try to get back to some normality of life, if that is possible.

I lost my mother, 3 years ago, still seems like yesterday I was looking into that sweet face of hers. Hearing "I love you Jeanie!"

I honestly try to remember the good times, keeps me from feeling that 'void' feeling. Maybe give it a try, write down the positive times?

Hold on to getting that appointment, maybe call and ask where you stand right now, if they have a clue when you will be seeing a doctor? Just a thought.

Good thoughts coming your way.

Jeanie/Warmie

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sigmund
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Postby sigmund » Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:54 pm

well since my last entry i have lost my temper with other half but don't near as bad as normal.

where i use to blast the living hell at of him on a scale of 1-10 my temper was 12 my temper has dropped down to an 8 maybe even lower.

have also lost temper with the cat but NOT hit her just yelled and stuck her into the laundry. she is dying with cancer and she has been jumping all over the place smashing things, and we're scared she will hurt herself climbing every where as she is very wobbly on her legs.

she has lost muscle tone due to the steroids she is on. plus we were angry with the smashed things being on pensions things are hard to replace.

but even here there is a big improvement, i just yelled and put her in the laundry, so maybe the self help CD's are working?

still feel as though i am a zombie where i have no feeling what so ever! it is like where you loose a love one and feel shocked and numb, that is how i am feeling.

a week to go and i see the psycharist for a one of assessment, so will see where that takes me, whether it makes me feel better or worse.

so whilst i feel better i still feel kind of dettached with no feelings what so ever, as though i am running on auto pilot.

at least (touching wood) my temper control has improved over the last few days, something to be thankful for.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Jul 20, 2008 6:57 pm

(((((((((((((((((( sigmund ))))))))))))))))) ((((((((((((( and cat )))))))))))))

Then go one step at a time. Lesser and not as bad on the temper is good. I thing a lot to be grateful for. Way to go, and don't give up!!


Warmie

8)

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sigmund
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monday july 28th.

Postby sigmund » Tue Jul 29, 2008 8:09 am

well saw the psycharist yesterday for the assessment. didn't start off good as was waiting in the outpatients, told the lady who we wanted to see but 45 minutes later he came over and told us we were in the wrong spot so we had a shorten consult.

first he wants me off the valium and karma, then he wants me off the zoloft as he said they are not working for me as i am still angry and they make me sweat alot.

he also claims with the abuse as a child, what happened with the kids etc is in the past and should stay there.

he wants to work on my self estem and to get out some. he has also suggested 3 different medications to try in replace of the zoloft.

he said we all the medication i am on i am feeling low, no energy etc, he also said a side affect of the mood stablisers is weight gain and he said i was packing enough of that already.

thats what i get for giving up the smokes.

february 20th 2007 i had surgery to remove my right ovary and bits of my left and since then have not had that time of the month, i had a blood test october 2007 which showed my hormone levels were normal but body not ready yet for that time of the month he wants me to get another blood test-I HATE NEEDLES!

plus he just wants me to use his words " IF YOUR SCARED OF THE POOL OR CAN'T SWIM JUST JUMP IN" meaning he wants me to leave the house and meet people, go out for tea, have cuppas etc.

i would prefer to take it slower than take, get my temper and fear of councelling under control and then work on the councelling.

he said by body is doped up on valium and karma and zoloft. i don't know if i like this man, it seems strange not to deleve into the past. he asked when was the last time i went to the city and i said january to go to the cemeteries to visit my parents and put flowers down, he told me not to go to cemeteries to go out and do something fun.

well stuff him on that score, this sunday august the third is 2 years since mum left and i am going to the cemetery to visit her cause even though she did not love or want me i loved her and i miss her dearly. lost dad before i was two but i still love and miss him.

damn jerk makes me so angry!

will think about and stew about what he said to me, but NOT happy jan!


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