My mom triggers my depression. What do I do?

[wishingrainbows]

I have found the main triggers of my depression and it is my mother. I love her dearly but now that I am in my mid twenties I have realized that the "love" she portrays is toxic. She turns every situation into a negative one and is never satisfied with me or with my choices. She is a single mother so I understand what she had gone through to raise me and what life threw at her during all these years. But I am only human and not a shield.

One day it could be about my body. I am not overweight by any means but she'll pick a time after I eat to say that I am fat (because I am bloated by the food). I'll exercise and she will still say that this part is still fat and etc. I tell her to please stop but sometimes she'll say she's joking and other times she'll say that she just wants me to look pretty. She'll compare me to models and celebrities and tell me "look at the those girls. you should go on a diet and workout more. guys like these types of girls". I am extremely self conscious and have low self esteem. I am working on it but sometimes it's difficult and I revert back to being sad and unconfident.

I am deeply hurt right now. And the most recent trigger would be today. I have been struggling at work because my employer has been overworking me and undervaluing me. I have expressed my anger and stress to her and she takes it well at times trying to comfort me while other times she tells me to suck it up because that's real life. It's true, real life really isn't pretty all the time and so I have been bearing everything in silence. I recently got a job offer and was extremely happy. It was like a small source of light in this darkness. She was happy for me too.......but today she made unnecessary comments that I did not ask for nor did I want to hear. She said, "you need to take this as a lesson and to act differently in your next job. people don't like quiet people. even if you work hard people don't really value that. you need to study more and do better. you can't just stop here because then you'll end up like me". She has been pushing me to go to grad school and get certificates on her timeline. She expects me to get things done by Sep. and says this to me at least a few times a week. She fails to see how hard I am trying right now and even if she does she invalidates it. She could be afraid of me failing since she had it rough in her life but it is wrong to project that onto me. I can't even enjoy or celebrate this small accomplishment without feeling belittled, incompetent, and exhausted. Sometimes I think that if I leave this world I wouldn't feel all this pain and sadness. It's selfish......but it's getting very difficult to bear.

The conflict here is that I know I could never get myself to leave and live independently. She is far too emotionally dependent and leaving her alone will drive her to insanity. She has no family and almost no friends. If I grew up in a normal family with a dad and siblings I would be able to live my life freely. But I cannot here. Although I am not responsible for my mother's happiness, her sacrifice for me is the reason why I still live with her at 25.
Sometimes I don't want to get married because I know it's super hard to find someone who is willing to live my mom. She is already difficult to deal with right now...... better for me to deal with this alone.
I would never want to be reborn as human. Life is too sad and hard.

[useranonymous]

I'm sorry to hear how your mother makes you feel. As a mother myself I would be devastated if I triggered depression in my own daughter. I think the fact she was a single mother raising you relates to many things she says to you as she just wants a better life for you and loves you very much but she has stepped way over the boundary and doesn't realise about the negative energy she is using. Maybe she feels comfortable to say these things to you and generally does not see or realise the harm or shes going with the theory of be cruel to be kind as she thinks it might push you to do the things she's saying about? But there's no doubt she loves you. But it seems there is an element of emotional control. However, don't put your life on hold and give up the chance for love and happiness because your mother may not cope with you gone. Once again speaking as a mother myself I wouldn't ever want my daughter to feel bound to stay by me. I would also want her to do whatever makes her happy in life. Riches does not always mean happiness. The right man will stick by you even if your mother is difficult to deal with. And he will appreciate your natural beauty and not expect you to change. Don't leave it too late, you have one life only and it's too short. Your mother is a grown woman and knows how to take care of herself. Even if she has no family friends, it's down to her to get out there and make an effort with people and for your sake too to take away your guilt. Once you have moved out and started your own life away from the source of negativity and belittlement your wings will spread and only then will you be able to start healing. I hope your new job goes well and good luck x

[Chuck Wood]

It is certianly accepted to have our family be only due to our similar dna. Sometimes even our family doesn't seek our best interest, like me in a similar conflict with family, sometimes its best to value them equaly to how they treat and value us. A very old saying goes.... Never lay your pearls at the feet of swine. We must not let what is valuable to us become damaged by those who don't care enough. We are too valuable for that. I hope you reclasify what your mother means to you to matches the truth about what kind of mother she is.

[Tealeaves]

Hello,
I'm not a doctor, I just like to help

So, the other day, I actually wrote you a really long reply; we're talking, like back in the day, 3 pages of notebook paper, front and back. I tried to post it and my account kicked me out. We will consider it; an act of God; trying to save you from having to read so much. This time, I'll try to keep it short.

In my opinion, sounds like mom needs more help than you do. Not that you don't have baggage to sort through but it sounds like, mom's luggage, is a lot bigger, and she has been lugging it around, a lot longer.
Hmm...maybe, the best way to help you, is to help her. I know people are telling you; you need to move out; I don't disagree; however, the truth is; even though you are not actually responsible for her, deep down, your mind and your heart, has decided, that you are.

So, now what? Darned if you do; darned if you don't.

For starters; just in case you don't know; you're mom is not actually picking on you. Based on what you said; mom is channeling/transferring, her own troubles and worries; onto you. Don't quote me, but I bet, she had weight problems when she was younger. Meaning, Every time she calls you fat; she is actually talking to herself; her years ago self. (Maybe current self, I don't know what she weighs)

My suggestion, find a family counselor. Privately and secretly, meet alone for the first few sessions, build a rapport and also; if you need it; some confidence. Because, even though I'm sure you don't want to lie or trick, your mom; desperate times, call for desperate measures.
I say this because, most likely, mom will not agree to go. She has spent her whole life bottling stuff up; a lot of people were trained to; so now it ingrained in their brain. Sadly, being content in your discontent; does not mean happiness. For her, it means, She THINKS, she found a way to live with her depression (yeah, she's got it, it's just a different kind) and whatever else that she is hiding in her head. Problem is, it's coming out, oozing from her; in, among other things; the toxic words that she says to you, her child. Not healthy, for either of you.

(sorry, sometimes I get lost in my own words)

So, again I say; lie, trick and, or deceive that woman, into going with you to a ""doctor"" appointment, because you are ""scared"" to go alone. Heck, tell her that her favorite actor, is visiting a cousin, in the same building as your doctor. Don't judge me lol, maybe it will get her out of the car and into the building.
(In all honesty, I'm joking. She's your mom; you know best how to handle her.

Back to the doctors....
( "sigh" this is going to sound like I totally support lying; I actually don't but; if lying can save a life....well you get it)
At the doctors, to keep her from feeling like she is under attack; in this session, make it sound like you have wronged her. Without her knowing; it will help her pass time, getting used to the doctor/surroundings; she might even open up on her own.
However it goes; after you have tried, if it's not working; there is a point, where you have to stop and accept.
Hopefully, she sees that she needs help and accepts it.
But if not...then it's time for you to move on. Meaning, move out. You both need time and space, so if you want to heal; limit your communications; especially if you're the argumentative type. Don't give her new address; for a few months; only speak through letters. The kind you mail at the post office. No, not text or email because it's instant communication and unlimited. Arguments galore! The two of you will be flooded, like a bad stopped up toilet...ugh, nasty. Oh and the toilet thing is nasty too.

In closing,
Don't get down hearted, if that's the way things go. You never know, maybe you moving out is exactly what's needed. Just like you feel she is dependent on you; she may feel you're dependent on her. Her mean comments, might just be her way of preparing you for being out in that big world, on your own. She just has a funny way of doing it; well; not actually funny.

So, there is always more to say but um; I just scrolled the message....oops, sorry I'm a talker lol anyway. I wish you and your mother
Good luck!

[otiscavin]

This article provides a comprehensive and insightful analysis of the topic, offering a well-researched and balanced perspective.
kinitopet

[Tealeaves]

This article provides a comprehensive and insightful analysis of the topic, offering a well-researched and balanced perspective.
kinitopet

Hello otiscavin but may I ask what article you're referring to? I just might be interested in reading it.

[bowlingthis]

Spend as much time as possible with nurturing people; people who value you as you are; people who let you be yourself; people who don't try to control you; people who don't try to change you.drift hunters

[Armanio]

Never lay your pearls at the feet of swine. We must not let what is valuable to us become damaged by those who don't care enough. We are too valuable for that. I hope you reclasify what your mother means to you to matches the truth about what kind of mother she is. Sometimes games can help relieve depression. Try this one. And don't forget to seek help from a professional

[miajackson1117]

Before, I also suffered from depression because of too great expectations from my mother. She also often compares me to Bill Gate giving a speech. When again, my mother complained because I didn't make a lot of money, I immediately opened my mouth and said, well, I'm not as rich as him, if only my parents were as rich as him lol. Find some love games to try to temporarily relieve stress, mindless games will help you feel more comfortable.

[hassoalbert51]

Dealing with family dynamics, especially when they impact mental health, can be incredibly challenging. Here are some steps you might consider:

Seek Support: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional to talk about your feelings and experiences. Having someone to confide in can provide emotional support and perspective.

Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your mom to protect your mental health. This might involve limiting the time you spend together, setting rules for communication, or avoiding certain topics that trigger your depression.

Communicate Openly: If you feel comfortable, have an open and honest conversation with your mom about how her behavior affects you. Try to express your feelings calmly and assertively, using "I" statements to avoid blaming or accusing.