scared and alone

[kt0615]

Hi!

So I've never done this before, and I have a feeling I'm just about to ramble...
I'm a 28 y/o female, was adopted by my grandparents at the age of 4. Both my biological mother and father have severe mental illnesses. My mother's parents are the grandparents that adopted me therefor I have more contact with my mother than I do father. My mother has been institutionalized for several years and I feel that her current issues are more a result of all the heavy medication she's been fed over the years rather than any organic mental illness she may have. My father thinks he can just come and go in my life as he pleases. Once my grandparents asked to adopt me he basically took off on his on path, calling whenever it was convenient for him, stopping by unannounced only to interrupt our life and routine, never a pleasant visit. Then I went off to college, graduated with a degree and at that time he really started trying to contact me and communicated. I then realized that he was too much for me to handle, there was no real reason for him to be in my life and I began to wonder if he was just looking for a free ride....as if me graduating college meant I was going to be making $$$ and he thought he might benefit from this. I basically told him off and that I had no desire to know him and this turned him crazy on me! For the past 2+ years I've been dealing with harassing emails, texts, phone calls and voice mails. He says some of the most terrible things one human being could possible say to another and then he gets his witts about him and tried to apologize. This vicious cycle has been going on for a couple years now and I just try to block it out of my mind. My real struggle right now is dealing with my aging grandmother, whom I've called mother all of my life. She's been my saving grace and angel from above. She's 79 years old and dealing with a whole list of health problems. I never thought what it would be like to be in this point in life and the reality has just sat in that I am going to loose her at some point. She's all I really have. I think because of my messed up childhood before my grandparents rescued me, I've been very emotionally cut off and I don't make friends easily at all. I'm so scared and already feel alone jsut knowing that she's going to be gone someday. I don't have any friends or family that I can talk about this with, nobody begins to understand these feelings. It takes everything I have just to get up and go to work, then its crying all the way home and straight to bed once I get there. Even if I get help and become not as depressed, I really don't see any point....I don't have anyone to share my happiness or sadness with...should I just do it? do it before my mom goes? If I don't do it now, I think I will as soon as she is gone and I just cant bear to continue living like this.

[Rainy-Day-Dream]

hello, it's nice nto meet you my name is charles. This is just my opinion and all but I don't think you should do it I'm sure your mother wants nothing more than for you to be happy and healthy and safe. Even if it's hard and even if she's not there I think she'd want for you to keep going and she probably cares about you very much.

I don't really know you or your grandmother so maybe I'm just being overly idealistic i don't know

anyway I'm not sure how much help I'd be or anything but I'm here if you want to talk to someone I'll do my best to help you and if nothing else I'll be here to listen

[kt0615]

I just don't see any reason for me to continue struggling for happiness if I don't have anyone to share my happiness or sadness with when I need to. It's a scary world out there, it really is...Everyone's so caught up with their own lives nobody has time for you, especially when you need it the most.

[Rainy-Day-Dream]

yeah but lots of people feel that way and maybe someday you'll find someone to share your happiness with?

[JonsDragonEyes]

I just don't see any reason for me to continue struggling for happiness if I don't have anyone to share my happiness or sadness with when I need to. It's a scary world out there, it really is...Everyone's so caught up with their own lives nobody has time for you, especially when you need it the most.

Hi there kt0615. It's nice to meet you. That's exactly how I felt. Overwhelmed in a world where things can be so scary , nobody seems to really understand and your facing everything all by yourself. Sometimes life can be so exhausting that it's hard to even hold your head up.

I don't have all the answers your looking for because I'm still looking for them myself. But all I know what to say or do is to beg you to please never give up.

Sometimes the smallest things that we cling to can also slowly become the beginnings of some kind of hope. For me it was this place. Knowing that other people out there hurt just like I did was comforting.

You can always keep coming here. You can write , you can vent , you can be angry or cry. Here your with people that do understand.... that's a bit of a start isn't it ? I know how small that must seem though.

But you don't have to entirely be alone.

love and hugs always

[IrishBlue]

Hi Kt0615,

Not having anyone to share your hopes, dreams, successes and more importantly your failures, a shoulder to cry on, is hell. No point in me telling you hang on in there you’ll meet someone, because maybe you wont. I have been struggling for months, I only found this forum today it is the first time I have found a place that might understand what I am going through. I know the world is a scary place but while there are havens like this it can be a little less scary.