I'm tired of staying silent. Tonight I want to fight back and speak out. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I want to be the survivor.
I wrote this poem for all the times I was too afraid to talk, too afraid to stand up for myself, too afraid to walk away and too afraid to let myself even realize what was being done to me.
But it's not just about me. Emotional and Mental abuse is not even considered an actual abuse to "some" people because the marks they both leave behind isn't visible. Although more and more awareness is becoming known it's still not acknowledged enough.
I hope my words help people out there who have went through what I have. One of my biggest dreams is to take the horrible experience that I've went through and let myself be the light that helps others to finally see.
Can't you see the tears that we cry
Or the nights that we die
Our two arms are open
To show that we care
Yet sometimes we are left standing
Facing a door where no one is there
Inside my soul is screaming
Please tell me that I'm dreaming
I've lost count on all the times
I've cried myself to sleep
From a voice left unheard
Every time I would try to speak
I've done everything
That one human being can do
You know people like me bleed more then our share
For others to see us through
The day someone tells another
That your life means nothing
Can make you lose your mind
How can some people have that right ?
Why do some have to be so blind ?
Our heart is put on the line
Just for others to see
So why is it so much when we ask
To please be more kind to me
This time you can't turn the other cheek
Because we all have a voice worth hearing
Now let us be heard when we speak
Some are down on our knees
And always seem to be put last
When others mess with our heart and our mind
And then expect us to easily overcome the past
For those who are wrongly seen
As the clown on a corner
Who are never given' a second glance
For those who lost their whole world
And are now just a victim of circumstance
If you would ever happen
To someday pass us on the street
Would you still walk by refusing to know
The miles of heartbreak we must walk
Through the holes of the shoes on our feet
Isn't there someway to someday make people see
When they cross the yellow line
The hearts that are being held down
And the dreams they kill are yours and mine
I wouldn't be down here on my knees begging
If I only had the chance to speak
Because they cut me and watched me bleed to death
And then bitched at me for being weak ............
Help Me Build A Chain Against Abuse And Bullying
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Help Me Build A Chain Against Abuse And Bullying
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Tue Sep 09, 2014 10:27 am, edited 7 times in total.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I want to try something I know it sounds crazy but I HOPE with all my heart it works ...
I'd like to start a chain but with this certain chain the links will be made up of everyone's personal abuse stories and comments about what happened to them. Making it a " story chain " Because things like this can happen to anyone. Your abuser can be your friend , or one of your family members. It can be by your boyfriend or girlfriend, your husband or your wife or your boss or co workers. It can even be the bully at school.
Cry if you need to , be angry if you need to , if your afraid , if you've been made fun of , humiliated, bullied , told you were never good enough , taken advantage of , never appreciated , stepped on , pushed around , if your fed up or just lost and don't know who to talk to RIGHT HERE is your chance to get it out....
Let's please keep this story chain going so we can let more people be aware of how much this kind of thing happens everyday.
And how when it happens people can read everyone's stories and comments and know they aren't facing this all alone.
So for everyone who reads this and has felt like you were emotionally or mentally abused or ( EVEN physically abused ) too , please leave your comment/story of what happened to you on this post. With every different , personal story I hope that the chain grows LONGER and STRONGER.
I'd like to start a chain but with this certain chain the links will be made up of everyone's personal abuse stories and comments about what happened to them. Making it a " story chain " Because things like this can happen to anyone. Your abuser can be your friend , or one of your family members. It can be by your boyfriend or girlfriend, your husband or your wife or your boss or co workers. It can even be the bully at school.
Cry if you need to , be angry if you need to , if your afraid , if you've been made fun of , humiliated, bullied , told you were never good enough , taken advantage of , never appreciated , stepped on , pushed around , if your fed up or just lost and don't know who to talk to RIGHT HERE is your chance to get it out....
Let's please keep this story chain going so we can let more people be aware of how much this kind of thing happens everyday.
And how when it happens people can read everyone's stories and comments and know they aren't facing this all alone.
So for everyone who reads this and has felt like you were emotionally or mentally abused or ( EVEN physically abused ) too , please leave your comment/story of what happened to you on this post. With every different , personal story I hope that the chain grows LONGER and STRONGER.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Sat Sep 06, 2014 11:38 am, edited 2 times in total.
Hi JonsDragonEyes,
You've come up with a great idea, and it's definitely not a "crazy" thing to start this abuse chain! There are many, including myself, who would like to add our voices (or "links") to this chain.
My primary issue is not knowing how or where to begin. There is also a lot to share...
Maybe, I could share one thing at a time. So, my links will have to be scattered throughout the whole length of the chain! Ugh...Sorry!
Before I begin, I want to convey how sorry I am for any and all forms of abuse you've endured yourself. Your well-written poem revealed the depths of pain and turmoil as you cried from your heart. I felt it, and I can relate to so much of this type of hurt...
No, no one deserves to be treated like trash...like something worthless...to be used, abused and discarded. Human beings have souls; the very spirit of a person can be wounded by the cruel and callous deeds/words of another. Our purpose and mission here is to LOVE...
When I was only fourteen, I was molested by my cousin. He was about 20.
My grandmother took my sister and I on a road trip vacation, where we'd stop at some cool landmarks, including two theme parks, before arriving at her sister's house for a two week stay.
My sister and I met some distant family we didn't even know we'd had. For a few days, there was a guy staying at my great aunt's house who was a distant cousin I'd never seen before. Judging from little tidbits of troubling conversation I'd overheard, he had a major drug problem, was prone to major outbursts of violence, and had come at his father with a baseball bat just days prior to them showing up that Summer for a visit. His father seemed like he didn't know how to handle him anymore, as his son was obviously dangerous to even his own family.
If my grandmother had known all of this beforehand, I know she wouldn't have brought my sister and I over that summer...She seemed pretty nervous after their arrival. (when it was discussed what was going on with his drug/alcohol use) She gave adequate warnings to my sister and I to make sure our bedroom door was locked, etc. etc.
One evening, everyone in the house piled up in separate vehicles to go somewhere. I forget where...On the way back home, my male cousin was in the backseat between my younger sister and I. His dad was driving, and his mother in the passenger seat.
Thank God, my distant cousin left my sister alone!
But, when he first tried messing with me, I told his father that he was trying to touch me. His father was furious and yelled at him to keep his hands off of me!
However, every time he got his hand in my shirt and I told his father, while trying to move his hand away, his father would only yell, cuss and threaten to pull over. This went on and on...
until I painfully realized that nothing would truly be done. I was only 14. There were two middle-aged adults within only feet of me, my younger sister was asleep, and I was in a situation of helplessness.
When finally we were home, my childlike mind learned, for the first time, that two grown adults were too fearful to make the son of a bitch stop molesting me.
There is something that I'll never forget...When I'd realized that despite his dad yelling at him, that nothing would be done to stop it? I had still told his father that he wasn't stopping. The shouts and threats he made weren't working. Eventually, when I would complain to his father, my pleas for rescue fell on deaf ears. They had given up. They were afraid of their son. They resigned to the point where not even one word was said in response to me...Nothing but F****** silence!!
This hurt me just as much.
I was violated by my cousin.
I was essentially abandoned by adults who had become fearful of their son.
And, the tension filled silence that had ensued when it was evident he wasn't going to stop...my words no longer responded to...my shock in being suddenly ignored???
I have to say that I've forgiven them. They were so afraid of their son, following the baseball bat incident. His father must have frozen up with fear. Who knows?
But, I didn't deserve this shame and heartache.
Soon, I will write a new link. Right now, I'm emotionally drained.
Thank you for prompting me to share one of my stories. I believe there is healing to be found.
You've come up with a great idea, and it's definitely not a "crazy" thing to start this abuse chain! There are many, including myself, who would like to add our voices (or "links") to this chain.
My primary issue is not knowing how or where to begin. There is also a lot to share...
Maybe, I could share one thing at a time. So, my links will have to be scattered throughout the whole length of the chain! Ugh...Sorry!
Before I begin, I want to convey how sorry I am for any and all forms of abuse you've endured yourself. Your well-written poem revealed the depths of pain and turmoil as you cried from your heart. I felt it, and I can relate to so much of this type of hurt...
No, no one deserves to be treated like trash...like something worthless...to be used, abused and discarded. Human beings have souls; the very spirit of a person can be wounded by the cruel and callous deeds/words of another. Our purpose and mission here is to LOVE...
When I was only fourteen, I was molested by my cousin. He was about 20.
My grandmother took my sister and I on a road trip vacation, where we'd stop at some cool landmarks, including two theme parks, before arriving at her sister's house for a two week stay.
My sister and I met some distant family we didn't even know we'd had. For a few days, there was a guy staying at my great aunt's house who was a distant cousin I'd never seen before. Judging from little tidbits of troubling conversation I'd overheard, he had a major drug problem, was prone to major outbursts of violence, and had come at his father with a baseball bat just days prior to them showing up that Summer for a visit. His father seemed like he didn't know how to handle him anymore, as his son was obviously dangerous to even his own family.
If my grandmother had known all of this beforehand, I know she wouldn't have brought my sister and I over that summer...She seemed pretty nervous after their arrival. (when it was discussed what was going on with his drug/alcohol use) She gave adequate warnings to my sister and I to make sure our bedroom door was locked, etc. etc.
One evening, everyone in the house piled up in separate vehicles to go somewhere. I forget where...On the way back home, my male cousin was in the backseat between my younger sister and I. His dad was driving, and his mother in the passenger seat.
Thank God, my distant cousin left my sister alone!
But, when he first tried messing with me, I told his father that he was trying to touch me. His father was furious and yelled at him to keep his hands off of me!
However, every time he got his hand in my shirt and I told his father, while trying to move his hand away, his father would only yell, cuss and threaten to pull over. This went on and on...
until I painfully realized that nothing would truly be done. I was only 14. There were two middle-aged adults within only feet of me, my younger sister was asleep, and I was in a situation of helplessness.
When finally we were home, my childlike mind learned, for the first time, that two grown adults were too fearful to make the son of a bitch stop molesting me.
There is something that I'll never forget...When I'd realized that despite his dad yelling at him, that nothing would be done to stop it? I had still told his father that he wasn't stopping. The shouts and threats he made weren't working. Eventually, when I would complain to his father, my pleas for rescue fell on deaf ears. They had given up. They were afraid of their son. They resigned to the point where not even one word was said in response to me...Nothing but F****** silence!!
This hurt me just as much.
I was violated by my cousin.
I was essentially abandoned by adults who had become fearful of their son.
And, the tension filled silence that had ensued when it was evident he wasn't going to stop...my words no longer responded to...my shock in being suddenly ignored???
I have to say that I've forgiven them. They were so afraid of their son, following the baseball bat incident. His father must have frozen up with fear. Who knows?
But, I didn't deserve this shame and heartache.
Soon, I will write a new link. Right now, I'm emotionally drained.
Thank you for prompting me to share one of my stories. I believe there is healing to be found.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Thank you for being the " first link " in the chain 4EverMe. Your links can most definitely be scattered throughout the whole length. It will just make it more stronger.
And thank you for the warm words. Without this place I don't know what I would do.
My heart bleeds for everything you have been through. It's so awful !! I just can't understand how they could let something like that happen to you and do absolutely nothing.. I have so much respect for you because I know that took a lot of courage to tell. You are right when you said you didn't deserve what happened. And I am so sorry you had to go through what you did.
I look forward to reading more of your comments. Anytime you need to.
Love and Hugs Always
And thank you for the warm words. Without this place I don't know what I would do.
My heart bleeds for everything you have been through. It's so awful !! I just can't understand how they could let something like that happen to you and do absolutely nothing.. I have so much respect for you because I know that took a lot of courage to tell. You are right when you said you didn't deserve what happened. And I am so sorry you had to go through what you did.
I look forward to reading more of your comments. Anytime you need to.
Love and Hugs Always
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I sure agree with you when you say this site is helpful. It's the first time I've ever been so open about everything I've went through.
I've kept so much hidden inside me with no one to talk to and no place to go. When I started opening up here it was like a tidal wave of pain inside me finally let loose.
I was so nervous writing this at first. I must have made a million typo's because my hands were shaking as I typed. I couldn't even figure out a right title to name it. But I think I really like this one.
I've seen the face of Emotional and Mental abuse. I've had people telling me how I feel isn't important or that I didn't have a right to hurt this much or for this long. The thing that hurt me the MOST and something that I will never be able to forget its they yelled at me because I always hurt so much yet they NEVER did anything to help me.
But I don't want this to reflect on just me. If people are suffering from physical abuse ,mental abuse or even sexual abuse I want them to be a part of this chain too. I really hope more people comment here with what happened to them. Because when it comes down to it ALL forms of abuse is wrong.
I've kept so much hidden inside me with no one to talk to and no place to go. When I started opening up here it was like a tidal wave of pain inside me finally let loose.
I was so nervous writing this at first. I must have made a million typo's because my hands were shaking as I typed. I couldn't even figure out a right title to name it. But I think I really like this one.
I've seen the face of Emotional and Mental abuse. I've had people telling me how I feel isn't important or that I didn't have a right to hurt this much or for this long. The thing that hurt me the MOST and something that I will never be able to forget its they yelled at me because I always hurt so much yet they NEVER did anything to help me.
But I don't want this to reflect on just me. If people are suffering from physical abuse ,mental abuse or even sexual abuse I want them to be a part of this chain too. I really hope more people comment here with what happened to them. Because when it comes down to it ALL forms of abuse is wrong.
Another thing about physical abuse is that it usually accompanies mental and emotional abuse. In a relationship, for example, where a man is extremely jealous and possessive, there comes the constant accusations of cheating, and accompanied threats, name-calling, yelling, belittling...and then being made to feel like you deserved it! When the persons jealousy and possessive nature are extremely intense, the abuse matches in it's intensity. It's the CONSTANT feeling of walking on egg shells until you literally feel your sanity is on the line. This is why I left my ex a little over a year ago...
Dave was the third abusive relationship I've ever been in. (I'm only referring to highly abusive ones).
He and I fell for eachother at first glance; our chemistry was dynamite! Dave was charming, kind, thoughtful, a gentleman,...and the tough biker all wrapped into one. He was also efficient in 4 different types of martial arts. He was protective of me, and I felt safe with him.
Not to mention, he and I not only fell in love, but became best of friends. We shared about 95% of things in common. This made us extremely compatible, and we were inseparable! It was honestly a dream come true for the both of us.
An added bonus was his Harley Davidson. It was the sixth one he'd built himself. I love Harley Davidson motorcycles, and we'd ride in sun, sleet and rain. As it came to the bike, there was but one thing left undone on it. Well, I'll leave this one to the imagination. Haha.
As our relationship grew, I began to notice more and more Dave's growing jealousy. In the beginning, I was a bit flattered...until it became far-fetched. It grew into a monster that was wildly delusional, and there was nothing I could do to stop the accusations. I gave no reason for him to be insecure. But, he'd watch other men...
I made it clear to Dave that I only had eyes for him. And, it was the truth. Although he was flattered when other men looked at me, it also sparked some deep-seated rage/insecurity within him.
To make a much longer story short, I fell victim to his paranoid delusions...The first time he attacked me came out of nowhere. (as was usually the case) He came at me full-force and jumped on me like alinebacker. My back, which is already screwed up, hit the floor with such an intense impact that I was momentarily paralyzed. My head hit the wall at a crooked ankle near the bottom of the wall. He dragged me away from the wall and mounted me, all the while screaming accusations into my face. Then he began crushing down upon my throat with his forearm, choking me with his weight. Afterward, he started pinching the muscles in the side of my neck, and searching for what I assumed to be my juggler vein, squeezing so hard it was just excruciating!! He would alternate between this and choking me.
When I could, I would be screaming for him to get off of me! It was all such a frightening and painful shock to me. It's like he had become someone else. Finally, he got off of me. All I could do was lay on the floor and cup my mouth while trying to stifle my wracking sobs. I cupped my mouth with both hands, for fear that if I were too loud, he'd come at me again. But, he did anyway.
He jumped on me again, repeating the whole thing! He then began punching the floor right next to my head. Suddenly, someone was punching on the front door! The cops! Strangely, Dave became calm as though nothing had happened.
The neighbor heard what was happening and had called...
Dave stood there while I got up, and shook his head from side-to-side, saying quietly, "Don't answer it."
My sobbing response was, "Like hell!"
He was arrested for the highest degree of assault, with asphyxiation included. He spent 3 1/2 months in jail, received a fine, and anger mgmt classes. The state also brought a ten year protective order against him. Here, it is almost unheard of that someone even gets a 5 yr one! But, the cop had seen a part of the assault because the blinds in my kitchen weren't fully shut...
Never did I dream of ever taking him back. But, his sweet persuasion, tearful apologies, and my knowing he'd been drinking on the night of the assault, gradually changed my mind. Over time, things grew worse. The accusations and his delusional jealousy only worsened with each time I left him to only take him back. There were times when he'd leave sweet msgs on my voicemail. (attempting to get me back) These would be followed by endless tirades of shouted obscenities and abusive name-calling, followed by only more sick accusations. The things he said to me were so hateful, vulgar and threatening. I'm not exaggerating to say that he would easily leave around 100 msgs in a period of four hours. This was devastating! My mind/emotions were so messed up that I literally felt that my sanity was on the line! I cry to write this part. I've had panic disorder as it is, and on top of the anxiety attacks, Dave had me constantly walking on eggshells. I was so high strung and distraught that I couldn't walk out my front door! It was a hell on earth that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy!
What might have messed with my mind the most was his jeckyl and hyde personality. He could switch on the drop of a dime, without so much as a hint of a warning.
He could buy me roses, make me gourmet breakfasts in bed- just because...
I was an extremely loving and faithful partner to Dave. I was the complete 100% opposite of what he accused me of! There were times when he'd admit that he knew I wasn't cheating. He would say he was just insecure because he was terrified of losing me...
But, the abuse (esp the constant mental/emotional aspect of it) continued. I ended it completely when I knew my sanity was literally pushed to the proverbial edge of the cliff. It was so bad that I fear not ever fully recovering...and I am one who's always been pretty tough.
I know I can't expect to be fully understood, when I can only share parts of what I'd been through. It
would be impossible to reveal every single situation I had experienced when things were going terribly wrong...So, I digress...
Our wedding night was a nightmare.
Maybe, I'll share that soon.
Dave was the third abusive relationship I've ever been in. (I'm only referring to highly abusive ones).
He and I fell for eachother at first glance; our chemistry was dynamite! Dave was charming, kind, thoughtful, a gentleman,...and the tough biker all wrapped into one. He was also efficient in 4 different types of martial arts. He was protective of me, and I felt safe with him.
Not to mention, he and I not only fell in love, but became best of friends. We shared about 95% of things in common. This made us extremely compatible, and we were inseparable! It was honestly a dream come true for the both of us.
An added bonus was his Harley Davidson. It was the sixth one he'd built himself. I love Harley Davidson motorcycles, and we'd ride in sun, sleet and rain. As it came to the bike, there was but one thing left undone on it. Well, I'll leave this one to the imagination. Haha.
As our relationship grew, I began to notice more and more Dave's growing jealousy. In the beginning, I was a bit flattered...until it became far-fetched. It grew into a monster that was wildly delusional, and there was nothing I could do to stop the accusations. I gave no reason for him to be insecure. But, he'd watch other men...
I made it clear to Dave that I only had eyes for him. And, it was the truth. Although he was flattered when other men looked at me, it also sparked some deep-seated rage/insecurity within him.
To make a much longer story short, I fell victim to his paranoid delusions...The first time he attacked me came out of nowhere. (as was usually the case) He came at me full-force and jumped on me like alinebacker. My back, which is already screwed up, hit the floor with such an intense impact that I was momentarily paralyzed. My head hit the wall at a crooked ankle near the bottom of the wall. He dragged me away from the wall and mounted me, all the while screaming accusations into my face. Then he began crushing down upon my throat with his forearm, choking me with his weight. Afterward, he started pinching the muscles in the side of my neck, and searching for what I assumed to be my juggler vein, squeezing so hard it was just excruciating!! He would alternate between this and choking me.
When I could, I would be screaming for him to get off of me! It was all such a frightening and painful shock to me. It's like he had become someone else. Finally, he got off of me. All I could do was lay on the floor and cup my mouth while trying to stifle my wracking sobs. I cupped my mouth with both hands, for fear that if I were too loud, he'd come at me again. But, he did anyway.
He jumped on me again, repeating the whole thing! He then began punching the floor right next to my head. Suddenly, someone was punching on the front door! The cops! Strangely, Dave became calm as though nothing had happened.
The neighbor heard what was happening and had called...
Dave stood there while I got up, and shook his head from side-to-side, saying quietly, "Don't answer it."
My sobbing response was, "Like hell!"
He was arrested for the highest degree of assault, with asphyxiation included. He spent 3 1/2 months in jail, received a fine, and anger mgmt classes. The state also brought a ten year protective order against him. Here, it is almost unheard of that someone even gets a 5 yr one! But, the cop had seen a part of the assault because the blinds in my kitchen weren't fully shut...
Never did I dream of ever taking him back. But, his sweet persuasion, tearful apologies, and my knowing he'd been drinking on the night of the assault, gradually changed my mind. Over time, things grew worse. The accusations and his delusional jealousy only worsened with each time I left him to only take him back. There were times when he'd leave sweet msgs on my voicemail. (attempting to get me back) These would be followed by endless tirades of shouted obscenities and abusive name-calling, followed by only more sick accusations. The things he said to me were so hateful, vulgar and threatening. I'm not exaggerating to say that he would easily leave around 100 msgs in a period of four hours. This was devastating! My mind/emotions were so messed up that I literally felt that my sanity was on the line! I cry to write this part. I've had panic disorder as it is, and on top of the anxiety attacks, Dave had me constantly walking on eggshells. I was so high strung and distraught that I couldn't walk out my front door! It was a hell on earth that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy!
What might have messed with my mind the most was his jeckyl and hyde personality. He could switch on the drop of a dime, without so much as a hint of a warning.
He could buy me roses, make me gourmet breakfasts in bed- just because...
I was an extremely loving and faithful partner to Dave. I was the complete 100% opposite of what he accused me of! There were times when he'd admit that he knew I wasn't cheating. He would say he was just insecure because he was terrified of losing me...
But, the abuse (esp the constant mental/emotional aspect of it) continued. I ended it completely when I knew my sanity was literally pushed to the proverbial edge of the cliff. It was so bad that I fear not ever fully recovering...and I am one who's always been pretty tough.
I know I can't expect to be fully understood, when I can only share parts of what I'd been through. It
would be impossible to reveal every single situation I had experienced when things were going terribly wrong...So, I digress...
Our wedding night was a nightmare.
Maybe, I'll share that soon.
I know my post was long and rambling, and poorly written, but thank you for taking the time to read it.
After my having reread what I wrote, I noticed that my writing seems all over the place, and that some things weren't explained efficiently or comprehensively.
At the very least, though, a part of it is off my chest.
As for the read? I can only thank those of you who managed to stick with it. Lol.
After my having reread what I wrote, I noticed that my writing seems all over the place, and that some things weren't explained efficiently or comprehensively.
At the very least, though, a part of it is off my chest.
As for the read? I can only thank those of you who managed to stick with it. Lol.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I am so , so glad he is your ex now and you are away from that horrible person. What a nightmare of terror you had to go through.
Your post was not poorly written at all 4EverMe and it wasn't too long or rambling either.
I want people to write as long and as much as they need to. They can even ramble on and on.
Your post was not poorly written at all 4EverMe and it wasn't too long or rambling either.
I want people to write as long and as much as they need to. They can even ramble on and on.
Thanks jonsdragoneyes,
Yeah, I'm a stickler for details- whether or not I'm requiring them or divulging them. If I do decide to write a book about my life, though, writing in detail would serve to benefit me. So, for every negative there's a positive.
Yeah, I'm glad to finally be FREE!
But, in fairness to my ex I must be honest and say that all in all, he was actually a great person in many ways. Because of his crazy upbringing, and then his constant use of marijuana/alcohol, he was prone to distrust, and the drugs only added to his paranoid delusions. When I say "delusions," there is no exaggerating here.
What sparked his violent outburst that night was a long-running insecurity of my next door neighbor...
My neighbor was married, with two little girls. He would smoke on his front porch while reading, so as not to subject them to cigarette smoke.
Well, Dave's paranoia gave rise to the delusion that my neighbor sat on his porch for the sole purpose of watching me come and go so that he could stare at my ass. Thus, followed Dave's conclusion that I must be sleeping with him! AND, having sexual orgies with he and his wife! How utterly insane!
The problem with paranoid delusions is that they feed upon themselves and will only worsen with time. They override all reasoning and logic...
If I'd remained with him, my sanity isn't the only thing I would have lost, but quite possibly my life. Although he did truly love me the best way he knew how, he might have just snapped one day. He might have killed me while in the throes of a jealous rage- during a temporary blackout. It's scary to consider, esp knowing that his training in 4 different martial arts would have rendered any attempts at defending myself futile.
At the very least, I could have been hurt badly enough to wind up in ICU.
The physical attacks were obviously frightening and painful. But, do you know where I suffered the most? In my mind and inside my heart. It truly breaks your heart when someone you've bonded with so closely could do this to you. I couldn't have even fathomed hurting him in such a way. Just the thought of it would have hurt me!
There is something else that will forever haunt me. If he hadn't had those particular problems, our relationship would have been the most perfect I'd ever known...I had to give everything up that was so extremely wonderful about our relationship, to escape what was so crazily abusive.
But, I can honestly say that I've forgiven him. In this, there is a kind of freedom in itself.
Yeah, I'm a stickler for details- whether or not I'm requiring them or divulging them. If I do decide to write a book about my life, though, writing in detail would serve to benefit me. So, for every negative there's a positive.
Yeah, I'm glad to finally be FREE!
But, in fairness to my ex I must be honest and say that all in all, he was actually a great person in many ways. Because of his crazy upbringing, and then his constant use of marijuana/alcohol, he was prone to distrust, and the drugs only added to his paranoid delusions. When I say "delusions," there is no exaggerating here.
What sparked his violent outburst that night was a long-running insecurity of my next door neighbor...
My neighbor was married, with two little girls. He would smoke on his front porch while reading, so as not to subject them to cigarette smoke.
Well, Dave's paranoia gave rise to the delusion that my neighbor sat on his porch for the sole purpose of watching me come and go so that he could stare at my ass. Thus, followed Dave's conclusion that I must be sleeping with him! AND, having sexual orgies with he and his wife! How utterly insane!
The problem with paranoid delusions is that they feed upon themselves and will only worsen with time. They override all reasoning and logic...
If I'd remained with him, my sanity isn't the only thing I would have lost, but quite possibly my life. Although he did truly love me the best way he knew how, he might have just snapped one day. He might have killed me while in the throes of a jealous rage- during a temporary blackout. It's scary to consider, esp knowing that his training in 4 different martial arts would have rendered any attempts at defending myself futile.
At the very least, I could have been hurt badly enough to wind up in ICU.
The physical attacks were obviously frightening and painful. But, do you know where I suffered the most? In my mind and inside my heart. It truly breaks your heart when someone you've bonded with so closely could do this to you. I couldn't have even fathomed hurting him in such a way. Just the thought of it would have hurt me!
There is something else that will forever haunt me. If he hadn't had those particular problems, our relationship would have been the most perfect I'd ever known...I had to give everything up that was so extremely wonderful about our relationship, to escape what was so crazily abusive.
But, I can honestly say that I've forgiven him. In this, there is a kind of freedom in itself.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I envy you for being so strong. Thankfully I've never seen physical abuse like you have but I was pretty much torn apart by emotional and mental abuse.
When it happened and I tried to explain to people how much it hurts they treated me like I'm being ridiculous and they can't understand how it could possibly hurt me that bad.
They say things like , " It's not fists it's just words and actions " so how can that really hurt you so much ???
Sometimes they say things like stop being so " thin skinned " , " Snap out of it " , " It can't be that bad. " , " It's all in your head." or " Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
As crazy as it sounds emotional/mental abuse can sometimes break your heart so much that it never does fully heal. And in a small way your never quite the same person that you used to be.
I wish I could be as strong as you are 4EverMe. I swear to God I'm trying. I got both hands wrapped around life holding desperately to hope but I feel myself slipping. Sometimes it hurts to even breathe.
When it happened and I tried to explain to people how much it hurts they treated me like I'm being ridiculous and they can't understand how it could possibly hurt me that bad.
They say things like , " It's not fists it's just words and actions " so how can that really hurt you so much ???
Sometimes they say things like stop being so " thin skinned " , " Snap out of it " , " It can't be that bad. " , " It's all in your head." or " Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
As crazy as it sounds emotional/mental abuse can sometimes break your heart so much that it never does fully heal. And in a small way your never quite the same person that you used to be.
I wish I could be as strong as you are 4EverMe. I swear to God I'm trying. I got both hands wrapped around life holding desperately to hope but I feel myself slipping. Sometimes it hurts to even breathe.
For so long, people have used the phrase: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. However, we both know how huge of an impact words can truly deliver.
From my own experiences, I've learned that sometimes when we think we're healed, our subconscious minds can prove otherwise. For example, we may consciously recover from years of bullying, but we may feel self-conscious throughout life. Perhaps, the subconscious mind causes us to feel that people are talking behind our backs. So, we are self-conscious and/or hyper-vigilant of what people say around us, or how they look at us, etc. I'm sure the possibilities are enormous...
But, if words weren't such a big deal, why would the Bible caution us about the 'power' of words?
Words DO have power. They can either heal or wound us.
And, who's to tell us that we shouldn't carry the scars of mental/emotional abuse? It's not like we can help that we developed wounds that would later leave their scars!
You ARE strong. When a person who's been hurt takes the time to comfort others who've experienced the same, that's love. And, strength is found in the power of love.
From my own experiences, I've learned that sometimes when we think we're healed, our subconscious minds can prove otherwise. For example, we may consciously recover from years of bullying, but we may feel self-conscious throughout life. Perhaps, the subconscious mind causes us to feel that people are talking behind our backs. So, we are self-conscious and/or hyper-vigilant of what people say around us, or how they look at us, etc. I'm sure the possibilities are enormous...
But, if words weren't such a big deal, why would the Bible caution us about the 'power' of words?
Words DO have power. They can either heal or wound us.
And, who's to tell us that we shouldn't carry the scars of mental/emotional abuse? It's not like we can help that we developed wounds that would later leave their scars!
You ARE strong. When a person who's been hurt takes the time to comfort others who've experienced the same, that's love. And, strength is found in the power of love.
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