20 April 2013
Written by
metaLarsllica (
)
Published on April 20th, 2013 @ 09:27:44 am, using 314 words, 42 views
Isn't it funny how sometimes were just so invisible. Kinda like the phrase "to be seen, but not heard". Then when you do try with all your might, to say something, do something, it means nothing. So you go back to the way it was, and start to believe it is better to be seen and not heard. Why continue to fight, why continue to struggle. Take 2 steps forward, and get pushed back 500. Sometimes its just best to let things be the way they were meant to be. Sometimes I wonder what ever made me think I could make a difference. How have I even made one, and why I tried to believe I did. I feel useless, I feel I've been in the way more than I have tried to help. It's clear to me now, I just need to shut up sit down, and be invisible again.
Creep:
By: Radiohead
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here
She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs runs
Runs
Runs
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
23 March 2013
Written by
metaLarsllica (
)
Published on March 23rd, 2013 @ 07:52:06 pm, using 312 words, 80 views
I want to really give up. I want to be here no more. I don't want to keep fighting. More than anything I want life to give me a break. I want to know why I can't ever get one. When I hurt the most there is no one, When I need the help, none is given. I get taken advantage of all the time. I give and give and give. When do I get? When is it my turn? When will someone care???? I just want someone to hear me when I can't speak. I want someone to notice when I struggle. I want someone to help me. Why is it so damn hard all the damn time!!!!! Please just once I want a break...... Maybe I want to much, because I can't have a damn thing.
Hollow by Godsmack
One more step and I could fall away
If it happened would it matter?
And I can't tell if I should go or stay
Same old picture feels so hollow
How can anybody know what's best for me?
Another page I turn in shame
And my decisions brought me to my knees
I needed someone to blame
I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
Time to do what's best for me
I believe I can change
Once upon a time in broken dreams
Reflections that I can't face
So hold your breath and make a wish for me
Take me to a better place
Time always seems to be passing by
It never waits for me
If I could do it all one more time
I wouldn't change a thing
I feel so hollow
(Feel so hollow)
I feel so hollow
(Feel so hollow)
I feel so hollow
(Feel so hollow)
I feel so hollow
(Feel so hollow)
Time to do what's best for me
I believe I can change
12 January 2013
Written by
metaLarsllica (
)
Published on January 12th, 2013 @ 01:51:36 pm, using 569 words, 96 views
I think I can't deal with anymore changes. Seems those in my life or the way things have been are constantly changing. Yet the one thing that doesn't, is I must deal with them on my own now. I am starting to feel that talking about it is actually becoming pointless. I am finding no solutions anymore. Idk... people talk to you back and make you feel better in the moment, but that's just a moment, it to comes and goes. I important day for most is coming, and I will wake up alone for that day. Why do I let it bother me. It's not important to anyone, never has never will. Idk, I hate when I feel hopeless. Just with a lot of things changing in my life, I am not handling it well. To much uncertainty. Only thing that doesn't seem to change is the bad things. I now know I will never truly get better. I will never truly feel hole. I will never truly feel needed or loved. The reason, is because I will never truly love my self or like myself. I try and do the right thing, and good things for others. I make sure they are safe and cared for... but it's for them. Sometimes when I do I get hell for it. That ok though, cause I know deep down, the intentions are not to harm anyone but to help. At least I'm good at something. I'm good to be walked on and taken advantage of. Everyone needs one person in their life like that. So I am here to be that person, I know that now. Anytime anything good happens it doesn't last... It's not meant for me I guess. At least that's the one thing that won't change. Funny how when you start to write your mind just lets it all come out. It's like you can't stay on what your trying to say. I have so much going on and I have to keep it hidden. There is no one to show it to. To many get tired of hearing you. They just wish you would hush already, even if they don't tell you. You can always tell if you bug people by their actions. They don't have to actually say it. Maybe one day this will all be over for me, and in that one moment I can get peace. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere, like it's the right place for me... there is only one place I feel I could be at that would give me the feeling of peace and belonging, yet I can't do that. I have to wait. I need help and no one truly see's it.
Sick of life by Godsmack
Paralyzed. Nothing's getting through to me.
Hypnotized from all my surroundings.
I wanna be something I could never be.
I wanna say things that I could never say.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!
Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.
Dragged down. Rubbing my face in the ground.
No time for the undecided.
I wanna know why I've always felt alone,
I wanna love. Why am I untouchable?
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!
Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.
I never wanted to be sick of my life.
I'm tired of everything in my life.
16 December 2012
Written by
metaLarsllica (
)
Published on December 16th, 2012 @ 02:57:03 pm, using 218 words, 122 views
Where do you go or who do you turn to when you know your alone. If you have no one, it's hell. Pure hell. Your left alone with you own thoughts. You can't make them stop. Is it self pity, is it loneliness or is it true. Seems reality can get obscured easily. You try and convince yourself it's not true. You try and make yourself think it's because of depression or bipolar or any other disorder you may have. When in reality it's probably true. Is it the worse form of denial. To convince yourself everything will be all right, when you know deep down inside you, nothing will be. Nothing will truly be OK, because no one is there for you and you know there is a reason. You just don't know the reason, but you know it's because your a bad person inside and you've hidden that reality to yourself, but others can see it. Others can always see what we can't. So where do you go???
Insert:
Remember Everything by FFDP
It's a long and lonely road, when you know you walk alone
If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain?
'Cause I remember everything.
If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets?
'Cause I remember everything.
07 December 2012
Written by
metaLarsllica (
)
Published on December 7th, 2012 @ 01:30:46 pm, using 408 words, 231 views
Doug
I went and visited with Kelly again this week. I think she might work out. She moved into your office. It was hard to meet with her there. It was weird and upsetting. I kept looking for your stuff and for some reason not seeing your plant there kept making me cry. I am actually realy upset right now. One of these girls (you know which one) called to say, that all the other kids were getting there rings and she was just standing there. It was mean for to hve done that honestly. She knows i'm trying. So yeah, why bother. Even trying doesn't make a difference. I'm so tired. Tired of "trying" to be ok all the time. Tired of "trying" to do the right things. It's getting pointless. I "try" and do the best job I can at whatever I do, nd it's just not good enough, because i'm not good enough. Never have been and never will be. Idk, wish I could be honest with people. Wish I could tell them what I really feel or how I am. I just tell them i'm ok or not so well. I wish i could just say that i'm falling apart on the inside. You once said "When you hit bottom, there is no place to go but up, however you can hit that bottom again" It is so true. I just wish there was someone that could save me. Better yet, I wish there was someone that would "want" to save me. There is no one, no one is even "trying".
Save me by Shinedown
I got a candle
And I've got a spoon
I live in a hallway with no doors and no rooms
And under a window seal
They all were found
A touch of concrete within the doorway
Without a sound
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these
And please just save me, if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland
How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn't handle forgiveness
Now I'm far beyond gone
And I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How could I love this,
My life so dishonest
It made me compromise
Jump in the water
Jump in with me
Jump on the altar
Lay down with me
My hardest question
To answer is why
Why
Someone save me
Somebody save me
Please don't erase me
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