I don't know why, but I'm driven to write today. I don't even know what to write about!
I realize that there's something terribly incorrect about my view of myself and the world. I know that I am as deserving of life and happiness as anyone, but I don't feel it emotionally. I feel disconnected, as though I'm in a cocoon that insulates me from the universe. I know that this isn't true; there is nothing that separates me from others -- I'm not a different sort of human that is uniquely deserving of sadness. Yet, I feel that there's something about me that just isn't right and that somehow I deserve the loneliness and pain that I feel.
What is this... this conflict between knowing and feeling? Apparently, knowing and feeling arise from different sources and don't necessarily have much to do with one another. When I walk into a room that's dark, I know it's dark. How I feel about the darkness is an opinion. Perhaps knowledge comes from without and feeling from within? If so, my feelings are self-generated... I create these thoughts. If that's the case, I'm the thinker... I should be in control of my feelings. Yet, it seems so difficult... the feelings just seem to come out of nowhere and tear me down.
I tell myself that my feelings are thoughts... just thoughts... and that I can think anything I want. Thoughts come and go, and uncomfortable thoughts will pass away like any others.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not making sense to me... the "yeah, but..." voices are screaming for attention. If I create my feelings, why do I create feelings that hurt so badly and make me feel so miserable? Shouldn't my sense of self-preservation reject these feelings immediately as self-destructive, uncomfortable and unpleasant? When I'm cold, I bundle up to feel warm. When I'm hungry, I eat to feel satisfied. But, when I feel self-destructive, I don't know what to do to turn the situation around. How does one go about feeling their own value? Not knowing their own value, but feeling it?
I'm not even making sense to myself right now, so I'll return to this later.
Well, I said I'd come back to this, so here I am!
The more I think about this, the less clear it becomes. I am the thinker of my thoughts, right? What is there within me that could possibly benefit from from all the negativity I create? Shouldn't my instinct for self-preservation kick in? I feel a fairly intense anger at myself right now -- I feel as though I've dug my own grave and have been shoveling furiously to fill it back in on top of me! How did I ever learn to do this? What possible benefit can I hope to achieve from all this?
I guess it doesn't make any difference how I learned to do this -- the important thing is to stop it, dead in its tracks. I feel frustrated and disgusted and really, really bored with the whole damned thing. It's funny, because there's a really good feeling behind the anger and frustration and disgust... a feeling that I have the power to change all this. If I don't fight it, the only thing I have to look forward to is my own eventually self-destruction... and if I do fight, the only thing I have to lose is that same self-destruction. There's a lot of energy in anger -- can I harness this energy and use it constructively?
My mind is spinning at warp speeds right now and I doubt my ability to keep writing intelligently. I need to meditate, pray and sleep. Good night, dear friends!
It's a new day. I woke up and as usual, I slowly felt the darkness creeping up on me. For some reason, I'm refusing to cooperate with it today. It's still there, but I don't like it... I don't have to accept it... I don't have to believe in it.
I think that in my case, depression is as much a bad habit as anything else. Please don't misunderstand me; I know that biochemistry, genetics and experience all contribute to depression. However, I'm beginning to feel that I don't have to allow it to control me. I don't have to believe the messages that come from the darkness. I don't have to sit back and passively allow it to destroy me.
My choice for today is to control my own thoughts to the best of my abilities. Even when I can't control a given situation, I can control my opinions of it. I create my own beliefs, and to surrender to my own opinions is like a baker surrendering to a loaf of bread. I've formed many opinions of myself over the years, and only I can change them. I believe that I have much to offer, and I choose to continue to offer those things. It's a gamble, but as my father taught me years ago, "If you don't gamble, you'll never lose. You'll never win, either."
So, I'm keepin' on keepin' on. I don't know what it will bring me or when, but I DO know that if I surrender to the darkness, nothing will ever come of it. Other people can make me feel better temporarily, but only I can truly make myself feel good for the long run. I believe that feeling good is our birthright as sentient beings and that I deserve it as much as anyone. I'm not sure how to get there, but I know that I'll never get there if I don't keep trying.
So, I choose to continue. I smile at people even if they don't smile back. I greet people even if they ignore me. I'll continue to share my talents not because others appreciate them but because that's what I do. It may be sheer stubbornness on my part, but the rewards (whatever they may be) are too important for me to be anything other than stubborn.
I really don't know what I expect to do with this blog. I write as an exercise nearly every day in hopes of finding some peace with myself and perhaps obtaining some insight. I'm going to try blogging as a new way of expressing myself. As such, it's a process that is internal to me and I have no idea if it will benefit anyone else. If it does, I'm grateful. If it doesn't, please just click to another page.
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