25 October 2009
I have three numbers, two that should be helpful, sitting about three feet away from me right now. All of them recommended by my last psychologist, all of them accepted by my insurance. All I have to do is pick up the phone and dial.
Luckily, it is 7:22 on a Sunday. But, that is no excuse. I have been not-calling-them for over a week now. It took me two months just to bother to take five minutes to look up insurance-friendly psychologists in my area. It sickens me that it has taken me so long.
Paul tells me that I have defined myself as depressed. Can someone do that to themselves? But it's kind of true, isn't it? I mean, I can tell myself I "don't have energy" but how much energy does it really take to pick up a phone and dial a number?
Paul is a "cognitive behaviorist" meaning that he tells me to "be happy" and expects me to be. It's very annoying. The theory is, if you do what makes you happy, then you will be happy. For minor cases of depression, that is all it takes. From there, more therapy can be done. Paul doesn't take me seriously. He's convinced that it really will just take me "trying" to be happy. I can see it on his face every time I start to cry, every time I try to talk to him-- it crushes me. How can people be so unsympathetic? But then, I'm the one not calling the psychologist. I'm the one not helping myself. So, it seems hard to hate him for it.
What does it mean to "make onself happy?" How can we ever really know in advance what will make us happy? I'm unhappy here. So, I've been thinking about something that might solve that problem, graduating early. But will that really do anything, or just open up a whole different can of worms?
Ugh. It's depressing to think that the time that should be the "best time of my life!" is really not... But, I have enough credits to graduate a semester early. This would leave me with a semester to do whatever I want. But... it would also mean I would have a semester shorter than the "typical" college experience. Am I cheating myself? Would this be letting my depressive tendencies get the better of me, and in fact be setting myself up for spiraling further out of control?