22 June 2010
My boss says one day I'll realize that everything about who I am goes back to my parents. I smiled at him, because I think about that a lot, actually.
Am I a girl with daddy issues? I think I might be. I've been raised as an investment, and if what I do isn't approved of then I completely lose heart. But I'm not that easy-- I lashed out, not just at myself, but at my dad, too. I have this theory that everything wrong with my family will be fixed once my dad is happy. Right now, he's convinced that he's happy, but he secretly hates himself and he lashes out at everyone around him because of it (not unlike me). Once he can solve his own problems, all of the problems in our family will go away.
I don't know if that's true, or if that's just wishful thinking. It's equally possible that I'm the source of all the problems in the family. At least, that's probably what he would say. I certainly was a problem as a child.
He hated me then. When I was 15, we got into a gigantic fight because I wanted to visit my friend, who was in the hospital, and he refused to drive me. The football game was on. I was furious and I yelled at him. I'm sure I said terrible things. He completely lost his temper and he started screaming at me. We were the only two in the house, so he could yell really, really loud. His whole face turned bright red and I could barely understand the words he was saying-- I didn't want to understand the words he was saying. I ran away. Upstairs, to the loft. He chased me, still yelling. Cornered me by the desk and grabbed me by the shoulders, thrusting his face into mine and spitting all over me. He's shaking me back and forth, yelling about what a horrible person I am and how everyone at school thinks I'm so great and nobody knows who I really am. He made me write two letters, one to my headmaster, one to my mother, telling them what an awful person I am, even though they believe I'm really good.
I put one letter on my mom's side of the bed. She still has it in her nightstand. The other one, my dad took. I don't know if he ever sent it.