18 November 2008
With 16 days left until my 40th birthday my life couldn't be in a worse place. Every thought I have is consummed with either the thought of when I will take my next Vicodin or the heavy thoughts of not having any money to buy groceries, or pay our bills. I pace around my house day after day. Walking back and forth. Wishing I was doing something proactive to change my situation, but never being able to muster up the energy or motivation to do so. I don't even know if I feel anymore. I am just numb.
I am continually bashing myself for the bad choices I have made and where they have gotten my family. Our financial difficulties all lay on my shoulders. It is all my fault! I go over and over in my mind how things could be different, but nothing ever changes. Never in my life did I think that my life would be so worthless. The only thing that keeps me alive are my children. They are the only thing I love. They are the only reason I don't swallow a whole bottle of pills right now. They in essence are my savior to this hell hole of a life.
You see a few years back I tried to open a business, I ended up using my dads credit cards with out his knowledge. Once it was found out, my entire family abandonded me, we had to sel our home to pay it all off and now we have moved to another city. I am very alone and I feel isolated. I don't talk to ANY of my family anymore for the exception of one cousin and one aunt. I guess you could say I have a very judgemental family who hold grudges. I am now, as my dad told me, "a piece of shit" Inspiring words aren't they? It really sucks.