Tears and Rain!

I'm surronded by darkness!

21 May 2009

I just want to...

Written by rain ( Contact the author of this post )
Published on May 21st, 2009 @ 08:20:16 pm, using 79 words, 918 views
Categories: General

My life feels like a whirl pool. Going in circles and drowning. Dizzeness, everything blurring together. I love my boyfriend, he's incabable of loving someone, I believe that there's forever and he believes everything ends. I feel so hurt and betrayed. Why do people say they love you if they don't. Why be with someone when you believes it's going to end. It hurts so much. The endless crying, the shaking, feeling the end of the world is coming.

16 May 2009

Pregnant!

Written by rain ( Contact the author of this post )
Published on May 16th, 2009 @ 11:56:20 pm, using 354 words, 3266 views
Categories: General

I recently found out I'm pregnant. I'm having mood swings, crying a lot and horrifying nightmares. I don't know why I'm having nightmares. The father is my boyfriend and he's had six kids. This would be my first. He doesn't want to go to doctors appointments, be in the delivery room or do lamaze classes. He says he's already been through it. He says he's happy about it and plans to be around, but I feel like I'm going to do it by myself. I don't have friends or family that will be there and help me through this. In fact I haven't told them because I know one will offer me money to have an abortion, two will say how disappointed there are, four friends will tell me how stupid I am and one will tell me you don't need this. I didn't want to be pregnant. I was so scared because the women in my family get pregnant and there moods change. They go from hot to cold in seconds. They go from loving to yelling insults. My sister was a really nice person and than she got pregnant and now her moods swings just like my mothers do. I didn't want to have a baby cause I was so scared that I'd become like them. I see the pain my sisters cause her children and I just didn't want to be like that. I don't want to hurt my child or ever cause a child pain. It's one in the morning and my boyfriend called really mad and was yelling because his cell phone got shutoff (it was suppose to be shut off a month ago and they didn't, I guess they finally realized it was still on). He said he couldn't deal without a phone, everyone contacts him on it. I'm sitting on the other end of the phone listening to him yell and thinking I wish that was the only thing I had to worry about. I wanted to ask him why he was yelling at me, knowing I was going to cry half the night because of it.

09 May 2009

Brokenheart!

Written by rain ( Contact the author of this post )
Published on May 9th, 2009 @ 09:24:00 pm, using 424 words, 440 views
Categories: General

Recently my highschool sweetheart came back into my life. He was a really nice guy in highschool. I was really scared of having a relationship and for the first week I did everything I could to scare him away, It was just better that way I thought. He stuck around and I decided well this isn't so bad. If it's going to work with anyone it would work with him. People change in 12 years. He turned into someone who hates the world and everything in it. He says whatevers on his mind witch can be hurtful. He doesn't seem to see that he hurts others. The first two times he did it to me, it really hurt, but I let him know it wasn't ok with me and he stopped. He has mood swings every 3 days, never fails. I learned how to counter those so that they only last 15 mins, instead of hours. My friends and family hate him and want him to go away. It's my fault! When something goes wrong I need to talk about it and it goes from a couple relatives to the whole family. I talk to friends once in a while. No one ever hears the good. Which is my fault! He snuggles with me, holds me, kisses and hugs me, he helps when I need it or ask for it, he asks if I need anything when he goes to the store, he asks if I need money when I say I'm going to the store, he cooks, takes showers with me (I love that), I can tell him anything and he opens up to me as well, he compliments me, if I have a problem with something about him he tries to change it, and he can tell me if he wants something from me that I'm not giving him or he would like and I try to do it, I can cry and he'll hold me(no ones ever done that for me before), he brings me the paper everyday, and he says he loves me all the time. His mood swings bug me, he's racist and I hate that, plus he says whatevers on his mind which sometmes isn't nice. It drives me crazy! People are really mad at me because I haven't thrown him out of my life. No ones perfect and people are the way they are for a reason usually cause they've been hurt in there life. I believe people can change. However I'm wondering if I'm being blind and foolish.

07 May 2009

Blah!

Written by rain ( Contact the author of this post )
Published on May 7th, 2009 @ 02:14:13 pm, using 98 words, 351 views
Categories: General

Tired and drained of life. I feel like I'm walking around like a mummy. Not really seeing what's around me. Stopped fighting. To many feelings. So much bad and very little good. I catch glipses of the good from time to time. I don't want to feel anymore or care. I keep thinking maybe I can sleep till I feel better. There seems to be a lot of people around me, yet I feel alone. Never feel understood, never feel cared about, always feel alone, I feel like I can't do anything right or ever be good enough.

01 May 2009

Grrr!

Written by rain ( Contact the author of this post )
Published on May 1st, 2009 @ 12:49:22 pm, using 359 words, 499 views
Categories: General

I am so agitated and sad at the same time. I don't know weather to throw something or curl into a ball and cry. My life has been turned upside down. My highschool sweetheart came back into my life about a month ago. He's here all the time. He's sleeps most the day, doesn't do anything to help around my apartment, except once and a while he cooks. He's a great cook. He seems depressed. He takes a shower every three days. I have to take a shower everyday or it drives me crazy. He sweats a lot when he works for four hours at night. He seems angry at everyone and everything in the word. He's very racists, which I can't stand. He seems to have to attitude that men are better than women. I hate it when people look down on others especially if it's because of there sex, race, age,and/or size. I like my alone time and I've lost that because he's here except when I'm sleeping. That's another thing I hardly get any sleep. I'm so tired. I fall a sleep in the shower most nights. My apartment is a mess, cause he makes messes and doesn't pick up after himself. I'm not a compulsively neat person, but I do like my apartment to look for the most part nice and some what organized. It looks like a tornado went through it. I am back to eating large amounts of food. I lost almost 30 pounds in the last 7 months because I was watching what I ate and watching my portions. Now I just want to shove food in my mouth. On top of that because my boyfriend being here all the time, he eats my food without contributing, I ran very low the last five days of April. Today is May first. I got money for groceries, but no car. My sister said she'd come and take me and than she blew me off. I had surgery on April 20th to clear my nose, so my nose will clear on it's own and my nose is still stuffed up. I am so grrrr!

Tears and Rain!

I feel like no one understands me, I'm alone and have to hide how I feel!


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