04/05/12

Permalink 08:24:02 pm, Categories: General, 612 words

Hello today. I had my trip to L.A. and it was interesting. I ate way to much and will be in trouble big time. They took my cousin out to some fondue place. Oh my God, it was OK but the fat! Then there was the other meals. I'm just not hungry at this point. I was able to have a good conversation with my 98 yr. old Aunt. I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm still SimonHenry. I presented my self in a way that left it open for her to talk to me. I understand alot more about her and her situation. I also checked in with where she is with her age and mortality as much as she would let me, I didn't push it. She is still a Angry, Bitter old woman and I know she has two good personal companions thanks to her daughters. She can't see or hear worth anything and can't even watch TV anymore. I tried to see if I could help her go someplace good when she was laying down not doing anything. I at least have my Fantasy world to go to, I will if I'm ever in her place. But, I know I won't be. I have just a hard time with my sister's energy these days. It's just all emotion and I can't take it thrown at me all the time. I did let people know that I'm checking into moving to the Desert Southwest and will going to Tucson to start in June. It gives me a little Hope and maybe it will work out? I will do what I can to be comfortable and the Hot Dry of the Desert sounds wonderful. I felt better coming home from L.A. knowing that I can move if I want to. The new baby is doing great and all the test come back great. I know I won't have much of a relationship with him, but , I'm still sure that he is the Special Baby and I know that he is my replacement. I'll see how it goes. I have been thinking about what the move would mean as I don't really have much of a social life and if I don't go and meet people now why would I necessarily do it then. But, I see a picture and maybe it will be different if the picture there is different. At least I see something and can see a fraction of Hope. Maybe. I have tried to make contact with a couple of men there and so far it hasn't proved good. I just know that at least I did something and that it's not a big deal or that I'm wrong or bad. It is just what it is and maybe there will be someone to connect with when I go. I have to do this. So, if I can work it out, 5 yrs. I'll leave work early and collect S.S. early also. My income will be less. I've been looking at the different ways that I can have income. I'll work part time for sure. I might even find that renting my condo here would supply me with income. I do have enough money to put a down payment on someplace that I might be able to pay off and live in rent free using the money, if any from this place when I retire. I can see options and maybe that gives me some Hope and it doesn't feel so Hopeless. It would be easier if I could just die. I still don't think it will work out but, I will at least tried....

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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them

Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.

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