11/24/11

Permalink 12:12:26 pm, Categories: General, 585 words

Well we're at the end of November and at Thanksgiving. I realized that I have isolated myself from everyone. I have not interest in seeing "Family" or being social anymore. I'm going late and leaving early and will make small talk. I just would rather be home and in my own world. I'm starting to drink more. Cocktails I call them. I don't do it all the time but look forward to have a couple on my Friday night. That means I'm doing it every week at this point. I won't say anything to the Med. Doc. or to anybody else either, of course. The medication leaves me with no energy and a I don't care attitude which I've mentioned here before. My weight is up to over 170 and that's fat for me. I barely get in to my pants and I just don't really care anymore. I'm not going to be with anybody and I don't see any reason to do it for myself. I am pretty much gone at this point and it's funny to see how fast it happened and that I don't see my future, just that I don't want to be out in the world today. The energy out there is to much for me to handle and work just drains everything away, I'm left devastated and exhausted. I don't see my making it to retirement and don't see much to the future. What do I want? I don't want to work anymore. Or at least doing what I do now. But, it would be stupid to give up what I have on many levels except for my mental health and well being. I see what I've done and how could it be worse the choices I make at this point. So, I see the next 3 yrs. and don't see beyond it. Whatever choices I make then won't be towards any long time seeing ahead. I don't how to explain it. I don't see what my future is. I don't want to live so I come from that place and I don't see myself needing anybody as I don't see myself being sick. I just see myself dieing. I tell myself that I don't have to stay alive and am seeing it as a possibility again and look for the opportunity to make it happen again. I don't care about my "family" as they will carry on regardless if I'm here or not. I'm starting to feel that just being here for them is crazy as I don't really want to be around them anyway. Look at how I'm playing the day out. Go late leave early. What's the point. I don't want to talk. I'm just not seeing that it's working just to be around because they will be hurt it I leave. Who's life is it anyway? Not there's. So, I'll see how it goes. I won't be here long if I come off the Meds. I know that for sure as they keep me here. But, I guess that if I didn't really care I would have come off them and offed myself by now. I don't know anymore. I just don't see a future or plans or goals that make any sense. I just hate. My job, house, me, the cats we're all just a bunch of fools. Well I'm the fool. Again I've said all this here for the past few years now and I understand it all just don't feel it and I'm tired....

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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them

Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.

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