08/21/11

Permalink 10:22:31 am, Categories: General, 436 words

The world sucks and I hate myself. Of course I'm just giving the same info. I always do and have for the time I've been doing this. My visit with my cousins was OK till I got drunk one night and opened my mouth. I caused problems and don't remember much. What I do remember is not good and I'm embarrassed by my behavior and can't hide enough. I know that will change my relationship with my cousin. I won't say anything to any body about anything any more. I'm such a fool. My neighbors are horrid and I can't stand it anymore. They fought the other night and I had to bang on the wall to shut them up. Then they had a party last night and it was awful. I hate it here. I can rent it out any time after November. But I'll have to live in it at least two years out of five to not have to declare the sale money as income. But then I'll have to pay rent and show the income from the rent. It just sucks. How could I be so stupid? I agreed to travel with my cousin in 2013. I'm trying to find a way out of it. I just should not say anything that I can't get out of. No commitments. Again I'm so foolish. I just need to not say anything. I see the Doctor tomorrow to get referrals for Med. Docs. as I won't go back to the jerk I've been seeing. But, I've already talked about that situation and I'm putting out energy to fix it. That's all the energy I have with work and the neighbors. My ears went up the scale, it's so high pitched at this point. It seems to happen when the people next door fight and I have to deal with it. I keep thinking that it can't get worse and sure enough they do. I wouldn't be able to handle it if I wasn't medicated. I still don't plan on being around and have enough sleeping pills to end it all. I just need to get to the place that I'm done. The Meds. keep me from getting that low. But, I will be off the Meds. when I retire and it won't be long after that that I'll take my own life. Not unless Cancer comes first. I talked about that too. I have a few days off from work and have a couple of things I have to do, other than that I'm just at home in my own world. It's better that way.

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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them

Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.

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