Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
My Mother always answered the phone by saying "I'm Here". Well I'm here. It is nice for the most part. The desk is against the wall not the FP. The furniture I have will work just fine. I'm surprised that as the movers brought the stuff in the Apt. got a little larger. It didn't really, just seems that way. The Cat is upset. I've kept my bedroom open for her the last two nights. Last night she mostly slept with me on the bed. I don't want her to get used to that as the Cats have never slept with me regularly. She is just meowing and is unsettled. Maybe I'll give her a small dose of Meds. The humming is in the bedroom and the bathroom. I'm just trying to see it as just part of the living experience here. It's a constant sound. I'm bummed but came here knowing it. I heard her music the day I moved in. I'm not sure that the carpet and padding I used is making a difference. Again, I did do something. I'm bummed about it, but hey, I did do something and I will also have my music, I won't play it to loud, and if there is something down the road that brings us together to talk about our living experience, it might make it all good. I'm just scared of the not knowing when or how loud. Here we go again....#3. The movers were great just like the last time. I tipped them well. They are nice guys. I haven't decided if I'm going to tip the Apt. folks. I know that it was my thoughts that made me upset about there "pre-inspection" notice in my door. I am going this morning to finish that chapter and give the keys back. Then, for the most part, I have Fixed it. 9 months it took. I came in to this place with my eyes open, I made it what I liked. I will unpack and rearrange as I go. Maybe it will work out.....
The condo is all ready. The Locksmith and Cleaning crew is coming tomorrow. I went by today after work I wanted to check on the last of the paint and get the key from under the mat. I have to say, it turned out really nice. WOW! is more like it. I thought of what I would like and it actually happened for the most part. I could knit pick about some things. But, it is really nice and it's mine, how I want it, cork floors and all. The flip side is that I'm Scared about the noise. The humming wasn't there, however, I now it will something that will be on going. I'm just Scared and I'm Scared of going there. I know I want to see it all differently. The Fear is just so big. I just Feel that I "need to, should" connect with the people that live there and connect with the Woman under me. With all that said....It's come together well. It really turned out nice and I like it, a lot....I want it to be OK. I'm Afraid to have Hope or Faith in the situation because I'll be disappointed and worse devastated if I'm not going to be comfortable living there. I'm sorry, I need this to be. Because after all is said and done, I just want to be alone and have my Houses, and my Fantasy Men and Dream. I need to have somewhere comfortable to Hide. I'll be so Depressed if this doesn't work. I have to look at the situation and know that I did what I could do to make it a Home for Simonhenry. I tried......They tend to end up as I Failed again....That's my life experience of things I try. OK...Next time I write I'll be living there! I'll let you know how the move went....
This took a long time to load(?). Anyway, had a problem with the painter. I had many thoughts about it all. I went over everything and I didn't do anything wrong. I did call and tell him what my thought was. He's just weird. He was pissed and then he wasn't. I did the right thing and I do the walk through today after work. I did see some if it yesterday and it looks great. It's Simonhenry eclectic. It will look nice. I'm still not sure of the furniture placement. I'm also not sure of the noise from downstairs. It's all happening. I'll write once more before I take this apart.
I guess I've been busy or whatever with this whole Condo, moving thing. The flooring is down. It all looks nice and at least I can feel OK that I did something about noise with the carpet. I'm not looking that it will help, I did do something and that's something that Simonhenry did, active participant. I didn't just sit back. I followed the prompt and followed through. I'm so tired at this point. I started this whole thing last Nov. and I have this last push. The painters are starting on Monday, I'll meet with them tomorrow for a walk through. The locksmith and cleaning crew are coming next Thursday. The movers are coming the following Monday morning. They will make both stops so I won't have to get the rest of my stuff from my friends basement. I have all the lighting ready to go. I need to buy a shower rod and curtain and install the shower head I bought. This whole process has just seemed to just work. I have my Thoughts and they have been torturing me. But, there mine and they are not what is happening. I am aware that I'm just second guessing my choices and would do that with whatever choice I made. I'm trying to just step aside and let what I'm putting together happen. I'm also not looking at how this is all coming together as it should as a sign that it's the right place, right anything. It would be bad for me to look at it as it how the Universe sees this all for me. I could move and find that I still will have to deal with noise from the woman downstairs or interact with folks. I know that however this works, I still have my thoughts and I still just want to Die and most likely the Depression will return....
Just to add to all the fun for me. My upper back molar broke off at the gum line. I went sick one day at work and will call the dentist at 9. I have to go to the Apt. to get some of the Good Will stuff. The folks left a whole set of pots and pans in the drawer in the oven. I need to get them out as the floor folks are coming on Wed. to do the cork. I did go on Friday and clean the bathroom. I guess it will be a nice place to live if I don't have the Woman downstairs making to much noise. I will try to get some of the lighting maybe today. I don't think they will do my mouth. I think it can wait till I'm moved and somewhat settled. They will have to extract it, they won't be able to fix it. I'm very tired and I'm not sure of things. I guess I just will let it pile on and know that some things will settle down and some things will take it's place and that my Dream of nothing will never happen. There will always be something and I'll take the moments when I can just relax.
Part of the situation for me is that my Fear is so much and I've given it to it so much that any thing I might want to do or how I see 'Life' is shot. I Feel bad as I just run with my tail between my legs. I'll just get Depressed when this living thing is done. Just the thought of 'trying' makes me tired and the Hopelessness of that makes it pointless to even try. At least I see the truth and know that I'm just giving into the Fear. Maybe that helps as I see it and understand after all this time. I just want to Die easily and not be one of these old people I see around everyday. I don't want to be in a wheelchair or have to use a walker or have to deal with all that. Yet, my tooth is just a sign of what is. I create the suffering with my Thoughts and if I see it as bad then it will be. I feel guilty that I don't exercise anymore and don't think about the food I eat either. And that it's pointless to be healthy when I'm going to die anyway and it always comes back to Why? Being healthy just means I have to be here longer. I think that I'll walk when I move and settle down, yeah, I don't see that happening either. Why? I thought is would be fun to buy the things for the Apt. I thought it would be fun to make my own and pick colors and get new things. It's not. Thoughts again...I just feel that it's all a mistake, that my experience with my living situations will be the same. I'll not see this place as a Home and that it's someplace to relax and breath. Maybe not, I'm going to do what I have to. I'm just tired and Life has told me it's Hopeless anyway. I'm tired....
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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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