08/29/14

Permalink 07:01:17 am, Categories: General, 553 words

I noticed that I've been writing since January 2007! Oh my! That's many years. And I'm sure if I read all the posts there would be no change in how I Feel or see Life and that I've grown more Ill in my head! It's OK, I've learned a lot and I think I feel better in my illness (!). I've been on vacation this week and see that I'm hiding when I can and that the Fear is keeping me housebound. I bought a new turntable and it's nice. I've listened to some of my music for the first time in yrs. Cool. I have been uncomfortable unpacking and have been forcing myself to least do a little and it's OK to stop. I'm just overwhelmed with how to organize it all. There is not a lot of storage space although it will all work if I use the space I do have well. I think it will be OK in time. The Fear is keeping me from being "at home" here and I see that's because of the past 4 plus yrs. at that horrid townhome. I want to allow myself to be at home and I'm afraid that if I do, something will happen if I let my guard down as I've only been here a month. I don't want to look at how this all came about as signs it's the right choice and place to be. It would be so nice to allow myself to let go. Maybe as time goes by. The woman downstairs brought me cookies. She make them. They were not that good and ended up throwing them away. Still that was a nice thing to do. We had a nice talk last week. I talk to much! But, I understand more of what I'm hearing and we talked about the TV and her music. It made me feel better that I did talk to her and that I wanted to have a good relationship with her. She seems to want that to. She doesn't smile. I guess we all are just weird in the world as people. I'm no different, are you? I didn't think so. I also got to spend time with my Nephew at his second job and I told him of my situation at work. He doesn't come from a Fear place and he has helped me the past yr. or so and just to be able to say stuff to him is a healthy thing for me. He's safe. He is a grounding force, I see that now. I'm still scared of the work thing. But it's not something that will have a time cut off. I'll just go and do it and maybe in time I will just let go if nothing happens. Anyway. I pushed my Retirement up to Oct. 2 2017. It's the date and I'll work out whatever I need to make it happen. If nothing happens till then I'll be OK. I won't be traveling, but didn't plan on all that Retirement crap that people say in TV commercials anyway. If nothing comes back with work next Summer, I'll buy the new car and I'll be ready to stop working. I do have a plan regardless of how sick it may be. I'll be able to get high. Talk soon.....

08/23/14

Permalink 04:47:28 am, Categories: General, 256 words

I didn't get anything done I said I would. I did clean however. I was just home. I did't unpack anything either. I watch movies, I rented Noah. It was OK. This is the first time I have vacation since I've moved back in Feb. the first time. Anyway, The Turntable I ordered is suppose to be here today. I'll be able to listen to my albums. I'm worried about my future that I won't have the income. I know I'm just having thoughts and my concern may not happen as I see it. I can retire at 60. I won't get much and it will be a fixed amount. I'm still trying to not fall to far in the Depression. I feel bad about the amount of money I spent on this place. I would like to finish but I can't rely on the money being there and have to keep what I have. It's hard to have my Fantasy as who will like me for what I've done. I'm just being stupid. Anyway, I'm going to spend the day with my Nephew and his family. I will go with him on his second job and most likely play with the kids for awhile. then on Monday I'll go to my sister's in the morning and be home in the afternoon. And I'll be home till Thursday Yoga class. That's it till I go back to work. O boy, how much fun will that be. I'm so ruled my the Fear, I'll never rise up again.

08/20/14

Permalink 04:39:29 pm, Categories: General, 499 words

I've been in my Thoughts about the work situation. Best case, worse case, even worse case...I just feel so bad that I have lied and worse, I am so engulfed with the Fear at this point in my life that I made this mistake because I'm afraid. Even worse then that...I've been like this always. The Scared 13 yr. old. I have all these Spiritual thoughts about Karma or Fate or whatever you want to call it. We make our own Hell or Haven etc. You get my thoughts. I have been needing to Hide forever and I've always thought I would be able to hide at home. Don't know what that looks like. I've been living here almost a month now and it just doesn't feel like home. I have to talk to my neighbor downstairs after all. I was hoping I wouldn't have to. I hear the music, tv and what ever she has plugged in that Hummmmmmmssssss most the time. I have just laughed that I actually tried with this place on all levels...Yeah like that worked. At least I can say I tried. I am trying to keep myself from falling to far into Depression about all this. I tell myself that I need to unpack and that it will make it feel more like a home. I can keep the boxes as that will make me feel better. I'm not moving, but the boxes will help. I don't know how she'll take to my conversation....I have a game plan that maybe will help. I really am sorry about how I handled work. A part of me would just like to Retire now. I don't think long term and even if I don't want to live, I need to remember that not unless I kill myself (a real possibility at this point) I have not control over how long I'm stuck here and I have to have enough money to pay the bills AND if I want to get high everyday, how do I pay for that? Long term, I won't make it very well if I'm here for 15 or 20 more yrs. God forbid that! I think that when they finish that house there building across the street, it might be a quiet place to be(?). I've always have had Fantasies of Men "helping" me and it started with them saving me, now I will do anything to have them like me. No hitting, but I'll do what ever you want. I really like the "rough" type more and more, remember these are just in my head! I don't have contact with men at all. But, I watch how through the yrs. it has progressed to this stage. It's a good thing I don't act out in real life. They would hit me....Especially when I don't feel good about myself, Scary...Anyway...I have a short vacation and I hope to just let Life go for a while...Thanks for listening....

08/15/14

Permalink 09:30:39 am, Categories: General, 497 words

Hi. How are you? I'm better, sort of...End game is that I'd lied at work last Feb. Yeah, I know...Anyway, I can't explain to much as I don't talk about what I do. It came back on Monday. Didn't look good and I had to continue with the lie at that point. I had to wait for the judgement. I did contact "people" about the situation. Wed. I was going to spill the beans with my supervisor. But she had the paper work that said it was not on me. I still know that it might not be done. I lied, he lied. I'm not seeing how it can continue, however I don't trust this situation as I know what happened. I need to just let it go for now and at least mostly, it is over. I was so freaked out, my thoughts were dire and it went from buying the gun and killing myself to having to figure out how I would live money wise if I were to lose my job. I went to the Retirement site and I'm leaving on 10-01-2017, that's 3 yrs. early. I don't care about the Ins. I just need 3 yrs. to Medicare. I'm just having a hard time with the Fear and how to live with it at this point in my age. It's just getting worse and somehow I need to work through it at work and at home. I'm not moving and I have to be aware that I will have conversations with the woman downstairs, who brought me home make cookies last week. It will be OK as I'll make it that way. I'll get used to some of what it sounds like here. and I see that I'm just have Fear about the when it's going to happen. I hope to at some point be sensitiveness to the situation. Not so Fearful and jumpy about it. I'm very lonely and I know that not unless I change how I see Life, that I'll be alone and on some level Depressed. The truth is that I won't be different and i'll Retire and be alone and mostly in the house. I will get stoned everyday and that's where most of my money will go every month. I do want to Die early and I'll help my Nephew and his family while I wait to go. I'm just so scared and I make it worse with my thoughts. I'm fighting to urge to just not unpack my stuff and make this my home. It just doesn't feel that way and I see that no place will be that for me. My turntable doesn't work and will try to fix it or buy a new one as I will have my music. It's only been almost 3 weeks since I moved here and i'll get it together and will be comfortable because I'm never moving again. Anyway, as always, I'm horny and lonely...that fits....Thanks....

08/05/14

Permalink 05:53:13 am, Categories: General, 234 words

Of course I've been in my thoughts. And of course they are not good. The more I try to have nothing, there is something. The garbage eater doesn't work. I will have it replaced with the facet, do one, do the other. Of course I bought the wrong one and have to take it back. Duh, why didn't look to see what power it was. I'm so in tuned to the downstairs apt. that I look for it. If I just lived here and let it go. It has not been as bad as I think it is, at least so far. It's not everyday, at least so far. I watch so much Sh^& happen out there in the world, I'm sure you see it on the news, it's just gotten so bad and no it's not because it was better when I was younger. I don't see "us" as nice people. I'm not. I'm sure you are and do nice things and help people, I know it's not everybody. But, generally I see really stupid, angry, rude actions. And just to add to the I can't take it anymore, the coffee press broke. WHAT! Tomorrow is cocktail Friday, not that really makes it better, just takes a little away for a little while. Just a side note...What's up with the guy I see on Saturdays? Find out and let me know....

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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them

Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.

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