Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
This took a long time to load(?). Anyway, had a problem with the painter. I had many thoughts about it all. I went over everything and I didn't do anything wrong. I did call and tell him what my thought was. He's just weird. He was pissed and then he wasn't. I did the right thing and I do the walk through today after work. I did see some if it yesterday and it looks great. It's Simonhenry eclectic. It will look nice. I'm still not sure of the furniture placement. I'm also not sure of the noise from downstairs. It's all happening. I'll write once more before I take this apart.
I guess I've been busy or whatever with this whole Condo, moving thing. The flooring is down. It all looks nice and at least I can feel OK that I did something about noise with the carpet. I'm not looking that it will help, I did do something and that's something that Simonhenry did, active participant. I didn't just sit back. I followed the prompt and followed through. I'm so tired at this point. I started this whole thing last Nov. and I have this last push. The painters are starting on Monday, I'll meet with them tomorrow for a walk through. The locksmith and cleaning crew are coming next Thursday. The movers are coming the following Monday morning. They will make both stops so I won't have to get the rest of my stuff from my friends basement. I have all the lighting ready to go. I need to buy a shower rod and curtain and install the shower head I bought. This whole process has just seemed to just work. I have my Thoughts and they have been torturing me. But, there mine and they are not what is happening. I am aware that I'm just second guessing my choices and would do that with whatever choice I made. I'm trying to just step aside and let what I'm putting together happen. I'm also not looking at how this is all coming together as it should as a sign that it's the right place, right anything. It would be bad for me to look at it as it how the Universe sees this all for me. I could move and find that I still will have to deal with noise from the woman downstairs or interact with folks. I know that however this works, I still have my thoughts and I still just want to Die and most likely the Depression will return....
Just to add to all the fun for me. My upper back molar broke off at the gum line. I went sick one day at work and will call the dentist at 9. I have to go to the Apt. to get some of the Good Will stuff. The folks left a whole set of pots and pans in the drawer in the oven. I need to get them out as the floor folks are coming on Wed. to do the cork. I did go on Friday and clean the bathroom. I guess it will be a nice place to live if I don't have the Woman downstairs making to much noise. I will try to get some of the lighting maybe today. I don't think they will do my mouth. I think it can wait till I'm moved and somewhat settled. They will have to extract it, they won't be able to fix it. I'm very tired and I'm not sure of things. I guess I just will let it pile on and know that some things will settle down and some things will take it's place and that my Dream of nothing will never happen. There will always be something and I'll take the moments when I can just relax.
Part of the situation for me is that my Fear is so much and I've given it to it so much that any thing I might want to do or how I see 'Life' is shot. I Feel bad as I just run with my tail between my legs. I'll just get Depressed when this living thing is done. Just the thought of 'trying' makes me tired and the Hopelessness of that makes it pointless to even try. At least I see the truth and know that I'm just giving into the Fear. Maybe that helps as I see it and understand after all this time. I just want to Die easily and not be one of these old people I see around everyday. I don't want to be in a wheelchair or have to use a walker or have to deal with all that. Yet, my tooth is just a sign of what is. I create the suffering with my Thoughts and if I see it as bad then it will be. I feel guilty that I don't exercise anymore and don't think about the food I eat either. And that it's pointless to be healthy when I'm going to die anyway and it always comes back to Why? Being healthy just means I have to be here longer. I think that I'll walk when I move and settle down, yeah, I don't see that happening either. Why? I thought is would be fun to buy the things for the Apt. I thought it would be fun to make my own and pick colors and get new things. It's not. Thoughts again...I just feel that it's all a mistake, that my experience with my living situations will be the same. I'll not see this place as a Home and that it's someplace to relax and breath. Maybe not, I'm going to do what I have to. I'm just tired and Life has told me it's Hopeless anyway. I'm tired....
It's looks like we're on the way to move in day. I went with the underlayment for hard surface and a nice felt pad with a heavy weight carpet. I don't know. I guess I made an effort in this. Is it perfect? Will it work? Is this just another Simonhenry mistake? I'm getting real cork flooring in the entry, bath, kitchen. The same underlayment will be there. Actually, the whole place will have this underlayment. I picked the colors for my accent walls and next week I'll buy the lighting fixtures. I looked at some and I'll look at more. I'm going today to clean the bathroom and maybe the kitchen. I need a toilet seat, shower rod and curtain. I'm also going to buy a nice shower head as I think I have a nice water pressure. I guess I'm just doing what ever I want this time around. I'm not really thinking of the money. Sorry. It will be just a place I made for myself. I'll deal with the lady downstairs if I have to. I'm just scared as always. The schedule is in place. Cork on the 9th. Carpet on the 16th. Paint on the 21st. Move in 28th. I have that week off so it will be a good transition for the Big Girl Citty. It will make it more relaxed for me. I have to deal with the cable. I've done most things. I have to pack this place up. So even though I'm scared and stressed and tired, this whole Fix it thing that I started in Nov. has been just working out along the path. I won't label that or look for Faith or Hope in the situation. I'm just making it happen the best way I can. I've not come in to this blind or without thought. Even if I think I could've done more research and interviewing of Co's. I did the best a 13yr. old can do. I've gained a ton of weight and at some point if I want to continue to eat I'll need to do something. I think it would be nice to walk. The area I live in will have some nice streets to walk on. I know when this is all over, I'll be lonely and Depressed again as I'm to Fearful to have a life. I also need to stop talking so much. Going and cleaning today will make it feel more like my place to live. I would like to call it Home, I've never had a place like that.
I went to the carpet store. The pad is really thin. It's made for a hard surface. Was the testing numbers done with a hard surface? She didn't know. What would it be with carpet and pad. It just seems like on paper it works the best. I picked a thick felt pad instead of soft rubber. I'm concerned that it is a mistake. But, I know that any choice I would make is a mistake. So, I'm doing this because on paper and the numbers say that this will be a good acoustical barrier. I won't have trust of faith or hope in the situation, it will be just another Simonhenry thing and I won't be surprised when I'm sitting in my living room and listening to the people downstairs. It is nice carpet and the felt seems firm and would work well. I just don't know if any of the other products would be better? It's also going to cost a mint. I basically don't trust myself at all. I have no faith in myself, no hope in myself. 13 yr. old kids are not prepared to make choices and decisions like this. It just doesn't work. How can a kid do this kind of stuff? At least I can see how I am in this and maybe I won't blame myself as much knowing that I'm not old enough to make choices in this manner. So when it all falls apart, I can say that we tried. I just am going to let go of it at this point. I am however going to put the cork down in the entry way because that's what I want and it's OK to do that.
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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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