Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
I'm all worked up about my window coverings. I created in my head that the measuring is all off. I rechecked the paper work and the dining is the same as the living which is bigger. I think. I sent a e-mail to the sales woman, however there done and will be installed on Thursday. I can't believe that they are wrong yet I've made thoughts about the situation. I don't trust anything about this home stuff anymore as I've either been Foolish or people just don't care or I'm sick enough to think they are my friends. I don't know how to explain that. It doesn't pay to be nice and I find that I trust it's right and don't read through very well. Then I make a Fool out of myself by doing what I do best by freaking out to the people. I'm not making sense. Anyway, I have today off and then I don't have anytime off planned till Vacation in Feb. which isn't really on the books yet but I can't see that it wouldn't work out with work. I might try for something in the middle of Jan. So that's it for now i guess....
Here we are the Holidays. Yuk! Soon it will be the quiet time for me at work. No school and people will have done the shopping thing. I'm not going to Bitch today. I've had some drinks and tomorrow I have the "family" thing. Didn't quite turn out the way my Sister wanted. My Nephew is getting better and that's good. Anyway, lesson learned for next year. I thought about it and my Sister has nothing to complain about as I go to LA and to her house for Thanksgiving. Gee, I guess you all now know I don't live in LA. That just dawned on me after all these yrs. Anyway, It will be different. I'm really seeing that my Thoughts are really putting me in a bad place as I get lost in them. I'm getting the window coverings put in on Thursday and I'm already stressing that the woman messed up and they will be wrong and not want I wanted. Based on how things have gone so far and forgetting nothing is Perfect, yes, they will be wrong. Yet, nothing has happened yet! I can't write anymore. I have a new man and don't have a house but will use different one for now. He is someone I saw in a "movie", very Hot. Don't forget that i"m sick.....
It would appear that i'm not writing as much. I've been trying to hold on the the agreement I make with myself and the commitment to it. It's been hard as I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm waiting for the window coverings to come and I'm using that to not due much around here. I just don't feel like doing anything for whatever reason. I keep changing things here and am not sure that I like it or not. I'm driving my Kat crazy. I just want it to be done so I can unpack (maybe) and live here. My nephew has been real sick with bronchitis. He was in the hospital for a time and I've been there and helping the family out as much as I can. That's part of the agreement with myself. Anyway, I'm trying to stick to it as I will keep me from falling into that deep Depression again. I see my Thoughts and I can look at some of them and see that I am looking long term as a short time period. And what if I get ill. I have the plan with work and some Retirement options as I get closer. I can look and say that I have 33 months left before I take my state pension. If I have to work, I'll work part time. The money will work out regardless because I don't have "real" retirement plans, I'm not traveling anywhere and I have not hobbies. That kind of stuff. I just need money for Pot. I have a lot of EE bonds that will last 13 yrs. or more and they have grown in value. But, when I get down I now can look at some of this plan and it makes me feel better as I'm doing this on me not on what others see as "retirement" and the money stuff. I'll have ins. with the US thing and whatever that is, it's more then what would have been a option a few yrs. ago. It's just nice to have a plan that will be good whatever my Thoughts are about it. I weighed myself at the Doc's office and I'm up to 197. That's about 25 or more lbs. in the past few yrs. Funny! There has been a lot of porn and watching stuff on the computer however I try to limit that as I don't want to have to take my computer in because of sickness. I ordered a couple more cd's and they will be here tomorrow and there is one coming at some point. Oh well...that's what happens when you don't have a balanced life or have sex. Just to let you know. So, no bitching this post. Been there, done that.
It's been nice to just be home. I've been OK with downstairs lady. I just have machines and TV on. She isn't that loud and I'm, maybe, just adjusting to what is the "norm" here. I have to go to my nephew's house for breakfast with my sister will be there also. I've been lost in my Fantasy and designing a house. I have a new theme and it's nice to click into one. I think about unpacking and sorting and getting rid of stuff and maybe putting the Apt. together. I just am fighting with it all. I know that I made a commitment to this. I use the excuse that I'm waiting for the curtains or that the second bedroom is unheated and I'll wait for Spring. Really? I just think "why?". I just don't feel like doing anything. I did clean however.
So here I am saying the same junk again. I'm just not sure what to say. I just bitch about the same stuff and I'm not moving forward or letting go even with the understanding. It always comes down to the Fear. And yet again I'm giving you the same thing again. I'll think of something else.
I've been looking at men on the computer. I'm getting addicted to it. I ordered some new dvd's also. I guess i'll get a hold of it(?). Anyway. I have the week off and I don't have to leave the house till Sunday to have Family breakfast. Sweet. I'm not sure what to say any more. I've just repeated the same junk for yrs. now. I can see that I'm not healthy and i'm just getting more closed in as time goes on. I'm going to be home for 2 days and in the house, it's not like I'm going out and doing stuff. I'm not going to do much but Dream, design houses, watch tv. I'll get nothing productive done. What kind of life is that. I see that I'm going down. At least I'm conscious of what I'm doing. So, I'll work on my new house and have a Dream and then go to bed and masturbate, it does feel good, and just do nothing tomorrow.
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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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