Their My Thoughts, I Made Them

I started the new temp. job yesterday. I sit at the Court House and answer questions about where this or that would be. They just through me into it. I haven't done the paper work or anything. "Here use this computer directory, here is the phone number for dispatch, good luck with breaks yada yada.." I met some of the people and they each gave me some info. There is no system, there understaffed. It's part of the security folks. It's not fun as I hate answering q's. I do this at my "real" job also, hate it. People don't give you all the info. I have to fish for it. It's like just what I try to avoid at work, that's why I don't go downtown because it's just a bunch of q's. I can have magazines at my desk and will be able to get caught up. I'm figuring out the buses and what stops would work. I have to allow for security check point to get in the building. My leg hurts just sitting and am just going back into the boot. I'll put it on when I leave the house and take it off when I get home. I need it to heal and although I'm Depressed and feel it's Pointless and Hopeless, I need to do the exercises. I do alittle and still have my two physical therapy sessions. I need to end this. I try to understand that it's going to get better even if it feels like it won't. I'll at some point go back to my real job. I just feel it's just Hopeless, there is nothing there. I don't like being with my Family and do what ever little I "have" to. Anyway, the whole situation is tiring and I don't have much energy. I'm tapped out with the Adult part of life and am having problems as I don't know what to do, I'm only 13 and there is nobody to help. I have to many "what do I do" q's about how to deal with all this, Doc's, money, I just run around making a Fool out of myself...

I'm done working with the Dept. of Lic. and will move to the Customer information desk at the Court house, God forbid...Really?! I know it could be a lot worse as I've talked about my options with the person who is in charge of detailing L&I folks like myself. What a Nightmare this position will be. But, it fits with how this whole situation is a huge Nightmare. I'm so Depressed about the whole thing. I woke up just Depressed, Hopeless, Beaten. I did some of the exercises that I do with the physical therapy, but why? My leg hurts and I ended up wearing the "boot" on the way home on the bus. You know, TV has become commercials with a touch of programs mixed in. Sucks...I'm at 3 shots for Friday Cocktails, works for me...There is so much that I'm just closing down and bottom line is that I'll get my job back at some point and will give up how that looks. It could be bad as far as the shifts are concerned. The money at this point is also Depressing as I'm making so much less AND, I'm getting paid my sick leave at more then half of what I made to earn it in the first place, how sick is that?! I'm just slammed against the wall and just can't fight anymore. Yet, I have to be the "Adult" and take care of what I have to deal with. I can't trust others to do there job and took control this morning as to where I was to go and to do. Gee, no you didn't send me the info. from last week....I thought about my drinking on the bus coming home and I realize that I have a problem, just a thought, as I don't really care in the big scheme of things..Cancer would be nice at this point. However, with all that doom and gloom and Screwed Thoughts...I had a nice encounter on the elevator. I was going down, stopped at his floor and it was just me and him, I may be slow and unaware, but he "check" me out... I think it's called "curzeing" (I can't spell). I had to say something, it was just to out there for me to not notice. I made some comment about it being Friday, he said something about not for everyone. We caught off on the same floor and we went our way. I'm sorry, he was checking me out. I was moved by this and it made me feel better while I ate my lunch. Funny, I of course imagine all sorts of ways it could go, one is that I see him on the way up as I go back to work. Of course it's Simonhenry's mind working. So, I think it's a nice feeling to be looked at in that manner and head on back to the elevator to go up to work. My leg is broken and I'm not running for elevators, right before it closed I was able to see, there he was...I smiled and he returned the same. The whole situation was nice for me, yeah, he was cute, about my age, yada yada...It was nice to have that. Will I see him again? Who knows. I'll be in the buliding across the street for the next six weeks at least who knows. I think he was a building facilities worker. Like I'm worth anything or have anything to offer....A little light in the darkness.....

Just came back from the Doc. Not good actually. He banged on it with his hammer and it hurt. I needed to check in yet it would have been better news if I just didn't go early. I know that in the big scheme of things, it's better to get it healed. It just adds so much it the Stress. I was able to pick my work for Summer, but what does that mean if I'm not able to go back sooner then later. And to add to it all, I have tickets to go to L.A. in July that are nonrefundable. I haven't checked in about how any of this mess will play out. I'll call my Supervisor on Monday and see what some of it looks like. I don't know where I'll be working as I don't think I'll be where I am, I've mentioned the Union thing. I'm just left with a bunch of Unknowns that I don't do well with. Gee, Life lessons? The money is not going to work real well, however my automatic savings and retirement deductions will happen and that makes me feel a little better. I will not be able to put other money away. The money I have to have each month is there as I don't really need that much a month. I just have to be more mindful of what I'm doing. This whole situation is turning bad. I tried to not have any shots as tomorrow is Cocktail Friday, didn't make it. I'll have at least one as I'm half way through. Might have a second one, but that's all as I have to work tomorrow, not that I have to do anything hard, it would just be a better day if I don't have a hang over. I've never done anything like this in the middle of the work week and would never on my regular job. They are going to work on getting me a "bone stimulation" Spelling on that one. I'll just have to let this play out the best I can and Trust(?), yeah not so much at the moment...I just don't see what it looks like and have 6 weeks till I can see the Doc. again, his orders! I just need to know that I'll be able to keep picking my work and able to work it when I return. I don't really want to lose the airline ticket money, but I'm not really to upset about the possibility of not going. I really don't want to anyway. I will be bummed about not being able to see my 99 yr. old Aunt. I'll see her for her 100th. in January, maybe(?), Hopefully(?). I don't know. It all just Sucks and of course Cancer would solve my situation for sure....

I'm keeping my Doc. appointment on Thursday to check on my leg. I'll feel better to know that what I think might me the break is nothing but soreness from not doing anything for so long. I've been back and forth with the physical therapist about what is the break and the muscle. I have this weekend from the world and I don't have to be an adult. I've had 3 shots as it's Friday cocktails. I don't think I'll be able to keep this temp job I've got as it's a Union job and I'm already a Union member with my regular job. I'll be shipped out to some other envelop stuffing position. I just want to be able to know what is, as in hrs. and such. However, this next week is all set and I just have to deal with each day as it comes. I can pick my Summer work on Monday afternoon. I feel better about that for sure. As a side note, I never really see myself as having high sonority, but as of this shift change, I pick on the First day! I would say that counts for something regardless of what I think...I'm still burned out however and I don't know what this "break" will make me see my job when I go back. I'm sorry, I really want to feel someone next to me. I'm so lonely. Forget the Sex part. I just don't know how to do the Gay online Sex thing. It's there for me, I just don't know how to play the game. They are all the some people, not that it's a bad thing, I just don't know how to develop that online relationship. As I don't know how to do it anyway, which is why I can't do it online...So, I don't. I don't care for a relationship as I don't even know what that looks like anyway. But, some physical contact would be really nice. I know it won't happen and it's something that I just will accept. I know that it's just my thoughts that keep me from having a normal life. I was on the bus with another worker from my real job and he was talking about doing what gives you Happiness in life and to just go for it as life is short. He has no Fear that freezes him....It kills me who I am....I really just want to go. What is the point at this point? I'm not going to change as I'm just so Scared, always have been. I'm so upset about my lack of support in my life and that nobody was there for me as a child when I needed someone. Yet, I'm almost 58. At what point do I let go of it. I just am unable to do it. I don't know what a "normal" life looks life and I just second guess myself. I judge myself as being wrong in all aspects of my dealings with the world. I'm best home and alone. I'm just Scared of everything. It's sort of safe at home. I had to go next door to let them know I'm needing to sleep as they sand something in there bedroom 4 inches from me. What a dump I live in. I think that it would be good to stop in at the HOA meeting on Wednesday night and make contact as I guess it's the best thing for what ever investment I have left here. See, I step into adult people situations even though I know it will just stress me out and cause me huge Fear...Just take me away from it all. I'll make sure I push the right button to save this entry.....

My leg is really hurting. Some of it is just the muscles, or that's what I'm told. Some of it is not, or at least I think. I feel that I did to much on Friday as I had to walk fast to the bus. I haven't wore the boot since last Tuesday. I like not using it and I've been just carrying on as if it didn't happen. Maybe not a good idea. I go to physical therapy this morning and it usually feels better after. I have to go to that temp job all week and the following week I'll pick my work and see the Doc. Hopefully I'll be able to work back in to my real job. I just want to get back on track with the money. I still want to leave and I know that it won't be long that I won't like my job. It will just be the same and I'll just be the same. I've done nothing on this brake that would lead me to be different. It's just been a brake. I'm huge and not really caring to much about it. I'll just buy a bigger pair of pants and be done with it. I'll just try to get by. I do however pick my shifts on the first day, if I haven't mentioned that yet. It would appear even to me that I have a high seniority. It's been a long road and although it went fast, it's been nothing that brings me pleasure to look at. It's been a F^@)ed life the future doesn't look that good either. Yes, I know I made it that way and yes, it doesn't have to be that way, it's just my thoughts and Fear and I can change them if I was to start over trying. I don't have the energy and besides, it's Hopeless that even if I try, it won't be different, yes again they are just thoughts. I will put on a happy face and continue like Life's wonderful. I would rather have Cancer and die....