Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
I've pushed over the first piece. It would seem that I can indeed sell this place and buy another. I've looked enough to know that it can be fixed. There is lots of things that need to be worked out and I tell myself to just take it as I need to to move to the next step. I have some things to fix and I need to clean. But, I can start looking for Realtors. It's a big part of this process. I've learned from the past 'experiences' and will remember these things as I move on. I am looking for the home that I'll live in for the most part of my life. I'll try to make it with a 15 yr. mortgage and hopefully I'll be able to pay it off early. I am 'banking' on that it will not restrict me to much money wise. I don't really have 'big' plans and I don't really spend money. I think it will be tight. But, I need to do this and I've looked at renting and it's cheaper to just buy. At least I'll know what my monthly payments will be as rents tend to go up more then HOA,taxes,ins. I spoke with my Nephew about all this and he thinks it is the best and that I'm not a Fool. I know what I want and I'll do month to month rent on a apt. till I find the right place. It will cost money, but in the end I'll have a place that I can breath in and unpack. I will listen to my gut and I'm already telling myself that just do what's in front of me and not hurry the process because I want it done. And, I need to walk through the Fear in this whole situation. Remember this Simonhenry!
I'm back. I need to fix this. It will just cost money. I'm not sure I care because at the end of the day, I don't want to live and don't see me living long and what do I need the money for? Again, I'm sorry to those that don't have any thing. I have to do for Simonhenry at this point. I need to live somewhere else. I have learned so much that I won't make the same mistake again and will spend what ever I have to to make it right. It's my last chance for ever. I will get answers to my questions, I'll buck it up and put the energy out to fix this mess. I will have what I've wanted for yrs. now that I know what this life is about, I'm #1 and what ever anyone thinks or that I think they might think, well screw that...I just need to be comfortable. I think that all makes sense.
As a side note....I won't say what I do for work, I will say that I'm out in the world and I feel bad when I speak about my financial situation as I do understand and in some ways have been there myself when I was younger and in some ways it was easier then, then it would be now. I do have this awareness. I've messed things up and I've done my share of 'using' and I believe that I've gotten what I desired up to now in this life. I try, but not enough. I'm sorry.
Happy Thanksgiving(?) to those it matters. I will go to my sister's tomorrow. It will be OK. I have next week off from work and that will make things better. So, It's been a bad time here at the 'ranch'. Last Saturday was a nightmare. I worked 9 1/2 hrs. to come home to the 'child' 'playing' upstairs. It went on for over 2 hrs without stopping. Really! I was just Shit holed. I'm so filled with Fear that I just couldn't deal with it in any way. I'm not going to go over there as I don't know how to deal with them or anybody, anyway, it finally backed off as it does. I was not able to calm down and didn't sleep much. I had to go to work the next morning and was so upset. Before I continue with the living situation tale, My old man cat who weighs a whole 6 lbs. and is not well...I'm so sorry, you have no idea....took a dump in the bathtub just before I went in there that morning. I just couldn't deal... again, I"m so sorry...I have to write it, I grabbed him by the scruf of the neck and threw him down the stairs. I don't ask for forgiveness.. I just couldn't take another thing. He his, well old and sick and just as he's always been only worse. I don't think I hurt him, but I can tell it wasn't a thing that didn't effect him. And I still had 9 1/2 hrs. to work. It was a really bad situation overall. Anyway...I just can't take this place any longer and I had to really look at what the Hell I'm doing at this point living here. Is it Money? Is it that people will think worse thoughts then I think? I needed to look. I did. What this 'blog' allows me to do is write what I really think and Feel(if I have those) about stuff. Well I wrote what I see as the rest of my life if I have to be here. Well, I Eat, Watch TV, I'm alone. What's missing is someplace quiet and of course, not working and getting high. Well Shit....I can have the quiet while I "Wait" to die or retire, which ever comes first. I'll never recover the money that's lost already by buying this place, it's gone. So that's not a reason to stay. Yada, Yada, end game, It will be better to sell and buy with a mortgage then to rent something for ever. I need to do some home work, need to see what's the best way and of course when. The kickker is that I'll be 86ing the money I put in to my differed compensation account that I feed almost $900 a month into. So, please to those of you that read this, if there is people that do, that don't have the income or funds that I do, I'm not rich, but I do have some money in the bank. This is a big part of my basket of income when I'm retired. If I take away from it at this point, it will bring down my income then. What's more inportant? Money or some comfort? The mistake has been made, the Fool has been shown. I'll save and be right back.....
I'm going to try to make it the whole week at work. I say I won't take Sunday off if it's offered. It would help my A/C bank if I just work it. I have the week after Thanksgiving off. I just find it hard by the mid week as the days are just to long. I pick in January for the next cycle and will try something different. There are just some things I don't want to do, but I'm burnt out on the 'cycles' I have been on for the last few yrs. I just have to tell myself to keep going and what ever is bad 'maybe' won't continue. I can look in to different living situations next year as I can find a quiet rental or maybe even buy if it's right. I tell myself that at some point this place would sell. I just need to take advantage of the money situation as long as I can. The more money, the sooner I can put this all behind me. I have my goal, I just need to fund it. Pot, Quiet, TV, Food, Walking, maybe some music. I'm done. I just need to save. Just keep going. I have a nice house and nice Man to use and a sort a different Fantasy to be played. It's not banging next door at the moment. I have the next week off and I can hold on to that for now.
It worked out for me to have today off to register for Yoga class on line first thing. It would have worked out anyway. It's nice to have the day off and not have to stress it. I also, shockingly enough, had yesterday off too. I'm running empty on my A/C bank but will put more hrs. in as the next week and the rest of this week will be hrs. in. I also get 2 days for Thanksgiving. It's just nice to not have to be out in the world regardless of this horrible apt. Today is also my 31st. yr. without a cigarette. Wow. I did something and stuck to it. It's nice not to have to do anything to 'self improve' anymore. I can just coast till I die. I have good food today and taped programs plus movies. Anyway, there is so much to worry about, but not today as much. I just push it aside and deal with it later.
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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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